23 Days

23 days until we go to court.
23 days until something happens.
As it is, nothing has happened except that Fuck has increased his bullying.
He has filed for sole custody without any reason, evidence or provable case.
Our attorney is baffled that his attorney is allowing this to continue.
She believes that his attorney is milking Fuck, trying to get as much money from him as possible.
That, or they are both monumentally stupid.
In either case, it's disturbing that this kind of behavior takes place in our world.

I try not to think about it.
But my hands still get charged with electricity. They are tingly with my anger and anxiety.
I try to vent it.
But it doesn't ever get out of my system.
Something brings it back, either me or some new piece of information.

Right now, they boys are happier than they've been in quite some time.
They don't know that Fuck is pushing for sole custody.
They don't know that he's trying to sue us for money that he has never asked for and has refused when we've offered it.
They don't know that he's not listening to them.
They don't know that he's told the court that our 14-year-old isn't mentally capable of deciding where he wants to live because of his severe Asperger's Syndrome. I fear that, one day, our 14-year-old will discover his father has said this about him, and it will crush him that his father used a falsified diagnosis as the reason for ignoring what his son has stated time and time again.
And even though the boys would care if they did know, what they're aware of right now is that Fuck is not yelling at them anymore.
He's not making their lives harder anymore.
And that's good for them.
And that makes me feel good on some level.
But it makes me super uncomfortable, knowing that it could come back at any time. Knowing that it WILL come back at some point. And even if he was to get everything that he wanted from this court settlement, which he simply cannot, this peaceful time in his life will end. At some point, the boys will ask for something or say something or behave in some way that isn't appropriate in his crazy world, and then they will, once again, be victims to his insane mood swings and abuse. It will not be better. It's a disguise for the court. A lie while people are looking.

I've got to trust our lawyer.
I've just got to.
It's too much for me to handle or think about if I don't.

And my mother made a good point to me yesterday at our weekly lunch: I can't take care of everybody all the time. I take on far more responsibility for those boys than I should sometimes, because I feel the need to make up for their father's failings. I want them to know that they are valuable people in a way that their father should be doing but never has. That's not my responsibility. It is my responsibility to take care of myself. Like a lifeguard, I have to guard my life first so that I'm able to help others. No matter what I do, it will not change the fact that those boys have an abusive father who lies and manipulates them to their own detriment. I will never be able to change that.

Those thoughts don't help me, either.
I've just gotta trust our lawyer.
And think about it being "over" in 23 days.
Please, let it be over in 23 days.