Things I Like

In no particular order:

• my wife
• Barack Obama
• Marilyn Manson
• ice cream
• iPods
• my computers and the Internet
• free things from Craig's List
• the feeling of my wife's feet on me... anywhere on me
• our boys
• my rad Civic
• my mother
• making movies
• watching movies
• feeling the sun on my face
• Fire!
• the smell of pinon wood burning
• finding a frog in the street on a rainy night and putting it next to a tree
• touch-typing
• thinking about speaking Spanish fluently one day
• opening my own entertainment venue with my wife
• LaBatt Blue draft beer in tall, frosty mugs!
• playing rock music
• listening and singing along with rock music
• walking
• stroking my wife's hair
• hearing the boys tell me that they love me
• taking off my shoes after a long day at work
• letting go of that one, enormous fart that's been trapped in my colon and I've been squeezing it in all day
• air conditioning
• swimming
• watching horses eat and play with each other
• George Carlin
• Nine Inch Nails
• the movie "Up"
• eating my wife's cooking, no matter what she makes
• snuggling my wife at the end of the day
• talking with my wife about whatever
• laying in my hammock
• knowing that my wife will know if it's "laying" in a hammock or "lying" in a hammock, because she's got some kind of school-girl rhyme that tells her which is which
• pancakes
• Collin's liquor store, not because his prices are the best or he's got the best liquor selection, but because we like Collin himself
• my wedding ring
• sodas from Taco Bell because they give you a straw that makes you gulp your drink and it's really fun
• playing with bubbles in the summer time with my youngest
• listening to all the boys jumping on the trampoline
• the painted deer in our backyard
• our lawnmower
• my wife's eyes
• the sound of my wife's laughter
• the touch of my wife's fingers on my back
• a brand new pair of sweat socks
• sand on a beach on my bare feet
• draft beer
• my wife's... parts
• music, music, music
• the original Star Wars trilogy (1977, 1980, and 1983)
• the Daily Show with Jon Stewart
• performing
• prime rib from Outback Steakhouse
• sushi from Gai Jin!
• watching my wife get excited
• feeling like I'm taking care of my family financially
• feeling like I'm taking care of my family emotionally
• the smell, look and feel of shopping for and wearing antiperspirant/deodorant
• Monty Python
• the dream book that my wife got for me that lets me interpret my dreams
• our bed-- it's the Best Bed In The World
• the song "Lose Yourself"
• Eminem
• french-kissing my wife
• laughing
• making people feel good
• my sunroof
• the tiny tree in my front yard
• the goofy-ass walk that my 13 year-old does when he's feeling particularly happy
• hearing my 9 year-old laugh sincerely
• Robert Rodriguez
• Michael Jackson
• Michael Jordan
• National Trivia Network (NTN), especially when played at Buffalo Wild Wings
• pickles
• drinking beer with my wife
• the jerky dances my wife does when she's feeling spunky and happy
• over-sized hoodies
• knowing that someday very soon I will have a great, fulfilling workout again
• those markers you used when you were in school that smell like cherry and lemon and you couldn't wait to use them so that you could smell them and you would always put them too close to your nose and get a little marker-stain on the bottom of your nose
• the phrase "it's like driving with your eyes closed"
• starting a path
• the sound of the wind
• some kinds of incense, but I don't know their names
• Gandhi
• fall and winter
• really warm and firm brownies
• puppies
• my comforter
• sitting with my wife in the rain
• sitting with my wife on our back porch in the rain
• sitting with my wife on our back porch and making a fire
• sitting with my wife on our back porch
• grilling hamburgers
• making food for my wife
• Tilex
• the pictures of the frog that was in our toilet on our honeymoon!
• my wife's fingers in my hair
• watching my wife eat
• hearing my 9 year-old scream my name when I walk in the door after work

That's just a few that I could think of now.

What do you like?

Lies

There's something about lying that really chokes my monkey.

I was raised, like most people I think, to be honest. My parents told me that I should tell the truth always and instilled in me a deep sense that lying was bad. Like most people with religion, I didn't think about it much. I just did what I was told.

But take a look around. Idaho Senator Larry Craig tells CNN that he "did nothing inappropriate" and that he's "not gay" only two months after pleading guilty to misdemeanor disorderly conduct charges for soliciting sex from another man in an airport bathroom. Televangelist Jimmy Swaggart attacked his televangelist-competition, Jim Bakker and Marvin Gorman, by exposing their infidelities, effectively destroying their careers, which prompted Gorman to hire a private detective to follow Swaggart to his own infidelious (my word-- you owe me a quarter every time you use it) behavior with a prostitute, and once exposed, Swaggart bawls on television to his sheep, "I have sinned against you, my Lord, and I would ask that your precious blood would wash and cleanse every stain until it is in the seas of God's forgiveness." 3 years later, Swaggart was stopped in California for driving on the wrong side of the road. In his car, a woman who claimed to be a prostitute who had accepted money from Swaggart for sex with her. Bill Clinton lied under oath about having relations with Monica Lewinsky, Richard Nixon lied about his illegal activities while being our 37th president, including wiretapping and harassment of political opponents in the Watergate scandal, then lied famously about it all. Anybody remember "I am not a crook"? In 2004, it was brought to light that USA Today journalist Jack Kelley was nominated for a Pulitzer Prize for news stories that he had created. He was not awarded the Pulitzer. George Bush, Dick Cheney, George Tenet, Condoleezza Rice, Paul Wolfowitz, Colin Powell, Donald Rumsfeld, John Ashcroft, and Tom Ridge told us that we had to go to war with Iraq in 2001 because they were the ones who perpetrated the attacks of September 11th. No? Okay, well, we have to go to war with Iraq because they're sending us anthrax in the mail. No? That's our own guys trying to scare us? Okay, well, we have to go to war with Iraq because they have weapons of mass destruction that we sold to them in... I mean, they simply have weapons of mass destruction. What's that? The weapons of mass destruction that we sold them had an expiration date and are no longer good, even if we could find them? Okay, what about a war with Iraq because they have this horrible leader and he needs to be removed. You say we already removed him and we're still at war? Well, how about a war in Iraq so that they can have democratic elections. They already had those elections and elected a non-American-friendly government? Ummmm... well, if we tell you that we're going to war with Iraq so that we can make money from our private enterprises like oil and weapons, you might not like that and bring us all up on criminal charges, so we're going to continue to confuse you and manipulate you and lie to you until-- oop, term's up, we're no longer in office, you can't impeach any of us, PEACE! And what about all the lies on Fox News, a national broadcasting outlet that claims to be "fair and balanced" news, but then carries almost nothing but opinion disguised as facts? Those kinds of lies make people believe things that end up hurting all of us, like when we believed Bush, Jr., when he told us all that good stuff about Iraq. And now we're in the middle of a financial crisis which was, in part, stimulated by our interactions with Iraq and private businesses that profit from war, and that's making it difficult for you to find a job in this economy.

What's happened to our sense of truth and justice? Is Superman really dead?

If I tell my boys that it's okay to lie to get what they want, then I don't feel like I'm raising them right. If I tell them that they should be wary of people because most people lie and they should protect themselves, then I feel like I'm cheating them out of great experiences with the few people left who are honest and can be trusted with their ideas and hearts and won't use them for money or political gain. How do I guide these little people that I have partial responsibility for into their own life knowing that there are ugly, horrible liars out there waiting?

You can't surf the Internet without being afraid of people taking your identity by lying to you. You can't watch the news anymore without questioning what you see and hear. You really can't listen to anybody anymore. What the fuck?

Whoa. That's a lot, isn't it? I might have been driving with my eyes closed there for a second. I'm feeling a little depressed.

Yeah. Life sucks. Shit gets tough. Not all cookies taste great. And you're fat. It's messy out there.

But you can do something about it. You can buy paper towels to clean up the mess. And you can walk more, which burns off the extra pounds. And you can get double-ply toilet paper. It's stronger than regular-ply bathroom tissue, guaranteeing a cleaner wipe with every handful.

It would be nice if everybody had to wear an electric sign which would blink violently every time that person was telling a lie. Then none of us would get fooled as much. But that's not the case. We're still vulnerable to deceits.

Here's what I'll end with: Frank Serpico. Good cop in New York. Wouldn't take bribes. Wouldn't sit by while others did. Was dedicated to protecting and serving. Testified before the Knapp Commission about the illegal activities within the police department. As a result, his fellow officers didn't call for assistance after Serpico was seriously wounded during a drug raid. Serpico left the country to heal from his wounds, and probably to get away from the assholes he worked with. Doesn't sound like a great story, does it? But who do we know from this story? Do we know any of the liars and rats? Or do we know about the honest guy?

It's hard to be honest and good. It's easy to be sleazy. Life is hard. Guess I'll tell my boys that and trust that I've done the best that I can in preparing them for whatever they choose to become.

That wasn't quite as optimistic and hopeful as I wanted it to be. Oh well. Some shit is shit.

Carmen Electra and the Teenager

I was sitting with my 13 year-old in his room when I realized that this was a really good time to talk with him.
"Hey," I told him, patting his knee, "you know how you told me that you went sneaking into the front room to download pictures of Carmen Electra onto your hard drive?"
"Yeah," he told me, looking away. That look away told me that he was already feeling defensive, so I proceeded with caution.
"First, I want you to know that you're not in trouble at all, and second, mom and I don't want you to think you need to sneak anywhere..."
"I'm not going to do that again," he cut me off.
"That's not it at all. It's just when you say that you're sneaking, it tells me that you think you're doing something bad, and mom and I don't think that you are."

My wife and I had talked about it while he and his brother were away at their father's house. She and I had come to the conclusion that we would like him to ask us if he can download pictures, and we would like to say yes, because we like to let the boys do what they want to do and sexy pictures of Carmen Electra aren't going to hurt anyone, especially somebody who just learned how to masturbate. We also talked about what would happen to our 13 year-old if his father found out about any of this-- the pictures, the downloading, the sneaking, the Carmen Electra, oh merciful God! Not Carmen Electra! It's all just too sinful!-- and how he would be punished and made to feel like masturbation was wrong, and downloading pictures made him a bad person, and sneaking around broke some kind of trust between he and his father. At his father's house, this activity would be a gigantic no-no.

I don't truly understand what it's like for the boys. I don't truly understand what it was like for my wife to be married to that man for a dozen years. They have all told me that he's into Hitler and the Nazi army. None of them really know why, but he's got books and collectibles of all of that. And if that wasn't enough to tell you this man is a little unstable, I've heard from all of them that he doesn't communicate, and that he's authoritarian and completely unreasonable. For example, he told the boys several weeks ago that Dungeons and Dragons was evil and the people who play it are evil and will corrupt them. And he knew this not because he had ever played Dungeons and Dragons -- which he hadn't -- and not because anyone had ever become evil from playing Dungeons and Dragons -- which they never did -- but because somebody in his church gossiped about how that game corrupts the youth and turns them evil. It wasn't in a sermon. It wasn't official Church Doctrine. Just gossip amongst Sunday Morningers (my word-- every time you use it you owe me a quarter), and that was all the proof he needed to make his boys feel like they were doing something wrong and were bad people. The rumors of the conservative non-thinkers were the voices in his head telling him how to behave and father his children. Sounds like a quality person, right? But wait, it gets better. So he says that Dungeons and Dragons will make you go to hell, and the boys were slightly scared by that. After all, who wants to be corrupted by a game that will send you to hell? But someplace in their heads, they knew that their father was full of shit, so they kept playing Dungeons and Dragons and found a group of people at the comic book store who were really nice and cool and into those kinds of games. And then the boys found Warhammer, and the guys at the comic books store, again, told them that was a cool game and accepted them and helped them learn a game which is a pretty thinly veiled high school algebra class: it's all about measuring distances with a tape measure and rolling dice and adding up the scores and adding up point values of your pieces and making sure that the guns that are shooting are in the line of vision with their targets (which is a bit high school geometry, too). And the boys' father -- who has never set foot in the store, who has never played the game or even heard of it -- tells the boys that it's wrong that they're playing it. Then, for Christmas, he gives them game pieces that they need to play Warhammer! Then he tells them that it's evil again! Then, when the 9 year-old asks why he thinks Warhammer and the people who play it are evil, father tells 9 year-old that, "it's complicated," and refuses to elaborate! What a mind-fuck, huh?! And then, my 9 year-old decides he's going to get up the courage to tell his father that he wants to go to the comic book store over the weekend, and father says it's not in their schedule. Instead, he ran a few errands and went home. Because going anywhere else other than home would've thrown off his schedule. ...of staying at home... and buying deodorant. He can't even sack-up and say that he doesn't want to go to the comic book store because he doesn't want to encourage the boys to play an evil game, which is what he believes, because if he said that then questions might arise about why he had purchased them game pieces that help them play the evil game. And if he really believes what he's telling them, then why doesn't he try to actively prevent them from playing the evil game, which would save them? Why, instead, does he condemn them, an act which not only doesn't help them, but actively makes them feel bad? It's not only like driving with your eyes closed, it's like being retarded. Fucked. Up.

So back to Carmen Electra and my 13 year-old's budding libido. So I try to talk with him about asking to download pictures, and he tells me that he's not going to download pictures anymore. He only wants to download pictures of war and soldiers marching and Nazi shit. I hear him say "Nazi", and I know that something has happened with his father. But I can't ask him about what, because then he'll get even more closed off and I'll never get him to talk to me. So I tell him one last time to ask us before he goes to download pictures and mom and I will probably say yes and we didn't want him thinking that he was doing anything wrong. He blew me off, and I left the room.

The boys stay with us for 6 days in a two week period. Their father gets the other 8 days. Not because that's what the original joint custody decree says and not because that's what the court said the first time we took him to court to get him to share the boys with us for more than every other weekend (yeah, joint custody with "liberal visitation between both parties" and his interpretation is that we should get every other weekend), but because he's decided that's the way it should be and he won't discuss it any further. So we're going back to court to get our 7th day with our kids. Stupid, isn't it. And when they're with us, you can see them relax and enjoy themselves more. You can hear them saying that they're more comfortable with us. They like it with us better. And we aren't the house where they get their allowance. And we make them do chores. And we set guidelines for them. They like being at our house better because we allow them to be themselves. We allow them to express how they're feeling, we listen to them, and we help them deal with the issues that come up. We never, ever make them feel bad about something that they're feeling or thinking. We don't tell them that wet dreams are evil. We don't tell them that their backpacks have to be zipped up a certain way. And we allow them to do things and take care of themselves rather than doing everything for them because they aren't capable of doing it for themselves. They get to be themselves without judgment. They get to figure out how they are going to play the game of life, and frankly, my wife and I play life pretty dang well. So with us they have really good teachers. And you can see them tense up when the time starts to roll around that they have to go back to dad's. They get grumpy, angry. They start to cry even, saying that they don't want to go back to dad's. That he's a jerk. A dick. A shit. That they don't like him. And my heart breaks for them. And my wife and I do our best to keep their self-concept high and their self-esteem high because we know that after being with their father for only a few hours, they will be thinking themselves "idiots" again, and thinking that it's not good to download Carmen Electra pictures, even when we tell them that it is.

I go to my wife and I tell her about the talk. I tell her about how he doesn't want to download girly pics anymore, just war pictures. I tell her how he didn't listen to me. And my wife listened and nodded and told me that everything would be okay.

What can you do when you try to help somebody as best you can, and then they get hurt when they're away from you, and then they come back, and you help them heal as best as you can, and then they leave and they get hurt again, and it keeps happening over and over again? What can you do? I still don't know, and it's frustrating.

So later in the day, my 13 year-old tells me that he's downloaded some girly pictures. I went to my wife and told her that everything was fine. They had settled into living with us for the week. She asked, "Did he download girly pictures?" My wife is smart and awesome.