You wanted to fly
I told you to try
As I reached out to help
But then you said no
Start stopping the go
And became everyone else
What's everyone else
Special sells
Til money melts you down
With everyone else
Where everyone else
Compiling faults
Pop smelling salts or drown
Like everyone else
Hate everyone else
Staring at you
Sharing a view of the ground
Everyone else
There's nothing new
One thing's special about everyone else
It once was u--nique
Now it's everyone else
All everyone else
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Tissue Castle
Daughter called Mother.
“My attorney advised me,” Daughter started, calmly, “to contact you and see if you were planning on testifying on my ex-husband’s behalf in our current custody case.”
“No,” Mother said, dryly, with her standard dramatic flourish, “I’m not planning on testifying at all. I’m going to be out of town when you go to court. And I felt really thrown under the bus the last time around.”
Of course, the “last time around” was when Daughter’s ex-husband listed Mother as a witness for him, and she was interviewed by the Guardian ad Litem, lawyer for the children, who had based her decision on Mother’s statements. None of those statements were officially contained in the Guardian ad Litem’s report. But the Guardian ad Litem had not made it a secret that Mother was the main reason why she had decided the case the way she had. From there, Daughter’s attorney stated that she might have to depose Mother. And from that statement, Mother and ex-husband stated that Daughter was attacking family members and threatening them. These statements, that Daughter was attacking family members and threatening them, were recorded officially. When Daughter’s attorney deposed ex-husband, he was asked if he understood that the statements about deposing Mother came solely from her and not from Daughter. He said he understood. She said that the only reason why she was being deposed was because Mother was on ex-husband’s witness list. He said he understood that. She asked him if he understood that, because of these two things, Daughter could not be considered to be making threats, as these were official legal actions taken in response to his witness list and had originated from the attorney, and not Daughter. Of course, ex-husband understood that. But he hadn’t said those things about Daughter because he thought they were truthful, or even because he thought they would help his case or his boys. He had said them to hurt Daughter. That’s always been his reason. To hurt Daughter. And when he told Mother that Daughter was attacking her, she believed him. She didn’t check on it. She didn’t think about it. She just believed him. He said Daughter was attacking her and threatening her, then it must be so. And even when attorney asked ex-husband if he understood that Daughter wasn’t attacking him, he didn’t straighten that out with Mother. He left her blindly believing that Daughter had attacked her. If he had gone to Mother and said that Daughter wasn’t actually attacking her, it would have lessened the tension between Mother and Daughter. And he would not be doing that. So Mother blindly believed him. And she continued to blindly believe the ridiculous story that she had been put on ex-husband’s witness list, and then Daughter had threatened and attacked her.
“Last time around, I was really thrown under the bus,” she repeated, coldly. She, too, was trying to hurt Daughter for all the things Daughter had done wrong. Of course, Mother couldn’t actually list anything that Daughter had done wrong. In all fairness, Daughter had not done anything wrong. But Mother didn’t like facts. Mother didn’t like thinking for herself. Mother operated on feelings, and her feelings told her that Daughter had thrown her under the bus.
“Okay,” Daughter responded, “but are you planning to testify on ex-husband’s behalf?”
“No. I’m going to be out of town when you go to court. Besides, I told you I wasn’t getting involved in all this. Why would you think I would testify on his behalf?”
“Well,” Daughter steadied herself, “my attorney told me that, while it hadn’t been officially reported, one of the deciding factors for the Guardian ad Litem was that you had told her that my ex-husband was a better parent than I am.”
There was a deep silence. The kind of silence you can feel. And within that silence, it was obvious that Mother had said those words: My Daughter is not as good a parent as her ex-husband, my ex-son-in-law. It was obvious by the lack of apology. It was obvious by the lack of shock. It was obvious by the extended silence. And it was obvious by the lie that calmly slid out of her mouth, ending the silence.
“I don’t remember saying those words,” Mother said.
And as Daughter said goodbye to her Mother, she knew that Mother did, in fact, remember saying those words. And Mother’s silence was because she was being confronted with words she had intended to be kept secret. Words that were supposed to be kept between her and the Guardian ad Litem. Words that should have been printed in an official report, but were kept secret, and were used as the biggest reason for that report being written with favorable words towards ex-husband. It’s impossible for Daughter to respond to allegations she doesn’t know exist. It’s impossible for Daughter to defend herself against things she doesn’t know have been said. It’s close to impossible for Daughter to win a case when that happens. And that’s why Mother had told the Guardian ad Litem to keep that secret. Those silent attacks were standard for Mother and ex-husband. The silent attacks are impossible to defend against because you don’t know where they’re coming from, how many things are being said, or what exactly is being said of you so there’s no way to know what to do or say as a response. All you know is you’re being attacked, and you will never know why, from whom, or what about. They are the attacks of cowards. The attacks of people who cannot attack you publicly, because everything they could say would wilt in the face of any kind of public scrutiny. So they are said as whispers, secrets. They are said under false intimacy. “I trust you enough to tell you this, that my Daughter isn’t fit to mother those boys. Her ex-husband is much better. And it pains me to say that about my own Daughter, but it’s true. Please don’t put that in your report. I wouldn’t want to hurt my Daughter. I am a loving Mother, after all.” You almost don’t even think about it when it’s said like that. Of course you’re going to keep that out of the report, because you don’t want to damage the relationship between Mother and Daughter. And of course you’re going to think horrible things about the Daughter, because it’s been left entirely to your imagination what Daughter could have possibly done to have her own Mother say she was not as fit as her ex-husband. And of course you’re not going to question Mother about it, because she’s upset that she has been forced to say these words against her own Daughter. And so, the investigation stops there. The report is based on words as thin as tissue paper. All you need to do is ask the simple question why—“why is Daughter not as fit as ex-husband?”—and the whole thing falls apart. But Why doesn’t get asked. And Why doesn’t go in the report. And so a report is based on empty words, said by an empty Mother, given to her by an ex-husband who is trying to hurt his ex-wife, her new husband, and his son because they are proof that he wasn’t the Perfect Father-Husband he had presented himself to be. They could even possibly be proof that he’s gay. And the more he bashes them into the ground, the more he bashes those unholy and indecent imperfections into places where people won’t look. And from that place of repression, ex-husband lashes out, fills Mother with thoughts she’s eager to believe, and Mother feeds them to the Guardian ad Litem, who writes a report stating that the father has done nothing wrong.
“I don’t remember saying those words.” The words seemed to echo in the emptiness that followed them. Daughter knew that Mother was lying. Daughter knew that Mother would continue to lie. And as she hung up the phone, Daughter knew the silent attacks would continue forever.
“My attorney advised me,” Daughter started, calmly, “to contact you and see if you were planning on testifying on my ex-husband’s behalf in our current custody case.”
“No,” Mother said, dryly, with her standard dramatic flourish, “I’m not planning on testifying at all. I’m going to be out of town when you go to court. And I felt really thrown under the bus the last time around.”
Of course, the “last time around” was when Daughter’s ex-husband listed Mother as a witness for him, and she was interviewed by the Guardian ad Litem, lawyer for the children, who had based her decision on Mother’s statements. None of those statements were officially contained in the Guardian ad Litem’s report. But the Guardian ad Litem had not made it a secret that Mother was the main reason why she had decided the case the way she had. From there, Daughter’s attorney stated that she might have to depose Mother. And from that statement, Mother and ex-husband stated that Daughter was attacking family members and threatening them. These statements, that Daughter was attacking family members and threatening them, were recorded officially. When Daughter’s attorney deposed ex-husband, he was asked if he understood that the statements about deposing Mother came solely from her and not from Daughter. He said he understood. She said that the only reason why she was being deposed was because Mother was on ex-husband’s witness list. He said he understood that. She asked him if he understood that, because of these two things, Daughter could not be considered to be making threats, as these were official legal actions taken in response to his witness list and had originated from the attorney, and not Daughter. Of course, ex-husband understood that. But he hadn’t said those things about Daughter because he thought they were truthful, or even because he thought they would help his case or his boys. He had said them to hurt Daughter. That’s always been his reason. To hurt Daughter. And when he told Mother that Daughter was attacking her, she believed him. She didn’t check on it. She didn’t think about it. She just believed him. He said Daughter was attacking her and threatening her, then it must be so. And even when attorney asked ex-husband if he understood that Daughter wasn’t attacking him, he didn’t straighten that out with Mother. He left her blindly believing that Daughter had attacked her. If he had gone to Mother and said that Daughter wasn’t actually attacking her, it would have lessened the tension between Mother and Daughter. And he would not be doing that. So Mother blindly believed him. And she continued to blindly believe the ridiculous story that she had been put on ex-husband’s witness list, and then Daughter had threatened and attacked her.
“Last time around, I was really thrown under the bus,” she repeated, coldly. She, too, was trying to hurt Daughter for all the things Daughter had done wrong. Of course, Mother couldn’t actually list anything that Daughter had done wrong. In all fairness, Daughter had not done anything wrong. But Mother didn’t like facts. Mother didn’t like thinking for herself. Mother operated on feelings, and her feelings told her that Daughter had thrown her under the bus.
“Okay,” Daughter responded, “but are you planning to testify on ex-husband’s behalf?”
“No. I’m going to be out of town when you go to court. Besides, I told you I wasn’t getting involved in all this. Why would you think I would testify on his behalf?”
“Well,” Daughter steadied herself, “my attorney told me that, while it hadn’t been officially reported, one of the deciding factors for the Guardian ad Litem was that you had told her that my ex-husband was a better parent than I am.”
There was a deep silence. The kind of silence you can feel. And within that silence, it was obvious that Mother had said those words: My Daughter is not as good a parent as her ex-husband, my ex-son-in-law. It was obvious by the lack of apology. It was obvious by the lack of shock. It was obvious by the extended silence. And it was obvious by the lie that calmly slid out of her mouth, ending the silence.
“I don’t remember saying those words,” Mother said.
And as Daughter said goodbye to her Mother, she knew that Mother did, in fact, remember saying those words. And Mother’s silence was because she was being confronted with words she had intended to be kept secret. Words that were supposed to be kept between her and the Guardian ad Litem. Words that should have been printed in an official report, but were kept secret, and were used as the biggest reason for that report being written with favorable words towards ex-husband. It’s impossible for Daughter to respond to allegations she doesn’t know exist. It’s impossible for Daughter to defend herself against things she doesn’t know have been said. It’s close to impossible for Daughter to win a case when that happens. And that’s why Mother had told the Guardian ad Litem to keep that secret. Those silent attacks were standard for Mother and ex-husband. The silent attacks are impossible to defend against because you don’t know where they’re coming from, how many things are being said, or what exactly is being said of you so there’s no way to know what to do or say as a response. All you know is you’re being attacked, and you will never know why, from whom, or what about. They are the attacks of cowards. The attacks of people who cannot attack you publicly, because everything they could say would wilt in the face of any kind of public scrutiny. So they are said as whispers, secrets. They are said under false intimacy. “I trust you enough to tell you this, that my Daughter isn’t fit to mother those boys. Her ex-husband is much better. And it pains me to say that about my own Daughter, but it’s true. Please don’t put that in your report. I wouldn’t want to hurt my Daughter. I am a loving Mother, after all.” You almost don’t even think about it when it’s said like that. Of course you’re going to keep that out of the report, because you don’t want to damage the relationship between Mother and Daughter. And of course you’re going to think horrible things about the Daughter, because it’s been left entirely to your imagination what Daughter could have possibly done to have her own Mother say she was not as fit as her ex-husband. And of course you’re not going to question Mother about it, because she’s upset that she has been forced to say these words against her own Daughter. And so, the investigation stops there. The report is based on words as thin as tissue paper. All you need to do is ask the simple question why—“why is Daughter not as fit as ex-husband?”—and the whole thing falls apart. But Why doesn’t get asked. And Why doesn’t go in the report. And so a report is based on empty words, said by an empty Mother, given to her by an ex-husband who is trying to hurt his ex-wife, her new husband, and his son because they are proof that he wasn’t the Perfect Father-Husband he had presented himself to be. They could even possibly be proof that he’s gay. And the more he bashes them into the ground, the more he bashes those unholy and indecent imperfections into places where people won’t look. And from that place of repression, ex-husband lashes out, fills Mother with thoughts she’s eager to believe, and Mother feeds them to the Guardian ad Litem, who writes a report stating that the father has done nothing wrong.
“I don’t remember saying those words.” The words seemed to echo in the emptiness that followed them. Daughter knew that Mother was lying. Daughter knew that Mother would continue to lie. And as she hung up the phone, Daughter knew the silent attacks would continue forever.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Trying To Find a Healthy Focus
I went on Facebook today and saw that one of my friends had a good weekend, so I checked out his page to see if I could find out more about his good weekend. I always want to hear more about good things. What I found on his page, in the “About” section that tells a little about the person, was the following:
Seeking my Joy in the Jesus of the Bible.
My purpose in life is to glorify God BY enjoying Him forever.
The entire point of the Bible is the cross. There is much misunderstanding regarding what the Gospel is. It only makes sense, however, when we know what the bad news is.
The bad news is that by nature and choice we are sinners- we aren’t good people who do bad things, we are bad people. That’s why we do bad things. (See Matthew 7 where Jesus talks about good trees bearing good fruit and bad trees bearing bad fruit.) We have committed cosmic treason against the God who is the judge of all the earth, upholding everything by the word of His power. Since we have shown our rebellion and hatred against such an awesome and just God, we rightly deserve equal punishment. That is Hell. I should be under the wrath of God right now because I’ve sinned against Him my entire life.
The Good News: YHWH God looks at us and sees us in our sin and says, “Yes, you deserve my wrath, but I’m going to choose to love you in spite of that. So I will send my son to bear the punishment that you deserve.” Because of this He can still be “just [it wouldn’t be just to let the guilty go unpunished] and the justifier of the ungodly.” Jesus takes the full wrath of all Christians past, present, & future on the cross Himself for our sake. And because He lived a perfect life only ever doing what the Father asked Him, the pain and death of the God-man, Jesus, was more than valuable enough to pay our sin-debt. It was shown that this was acceptable when He came back to life 3 days later, and now sits at the right hand of the God Father, as The Sacrificial Lamb, our advocate before Him, the Prophet, Priest, and King. We will all physically rise again from death when He returns very soon and we will either be judged by our own deeds or by His perfect life.
I am committed to [the name of his church]. My aim is to see my grandchildren hearing the word of God there and serving. They are a community that is very genuine, very messy, and very much relying on Jesus as their righteousness and hope in all things.
So, being the kind of guy I am, I looked up Matthew 7... cuz that seemed like the first place to start. After all, there was a lot to digest, and being a sinner, I wanted to see how, by "nature and choice" I was a sinner and how, hopefully by choice, I could stop. I started with Matthew 7:17. The New International Version of the Bible has Matthew 7:17 reading, “Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit.” English Standard Version of the Bible reads, “So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit.” International Standard Version: “In the same way, every good tree produces good fruit, but a rotten tree produces bad fruit.” King James Bible (Cambridge Ed.): “Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.” American King James Version: “Even so every good tree brings forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree brings forth evil fruit.” Darby Bible Translation: “So every good tree produces good fruits, but the worthless tree produces bad fruits.” Weymouth New Testament: “Just so every good tree produces good fruit, but a poisonous tree produces bad fruit.” Young’s Literal Translation: “so every good tree doth yield good fruits, but the bad tree doth yield evil fruits.” And, last but not least, Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary regarding Matthew 7:15-20: “Nothing so much prevents men from entering the strait gate, and becoming true followers of Christ, as the carnal, soothing, flattering doctrines of those who oppose the truth. They may be known by the drift and effects of their doctrines. Some part of their temper and conduct is contrary to the mind of Christ. Those opinions come not from God that lead to sin.”
With so many translations… how does anybody know what is “contrary to the mind of Christ”? What language did Christ speak in, anyway?! The Language of Confusion?! And how do you get that we’re ALL bad trees from any of that?? Looks like, if I produce good/unevil/unpoisonous/unworthless/healthy/undiseased fruit, I would be considered a good/healthy/worthwhile/unpoisonous tree. Those who produce evil fruit—incidentally, what is evil fruit? Is that a pear that keeps kicking you in the balls, even though you ask it not to? Or maybe a watermelon who keeps prank-calling your mom and telling her you’re dead? Just thoughts on the nature of Evil Fruit. Let’s continue—those who produce evil fruit are then evil. Doesn’t say EVERYBODY produces evil fruit. Just those who do. So… maybe some people aren’t evil trees?
I have an issue with the thoughts that I was born a sinner. Okay, maybe I choose to be a sinner, I can get behind that. But being born a sinner is really hard for me, because that, then, says that there is a god who made me evil before I came out. Who the fuck does that? What kind of god makes his creations evil? That’s just dumb. Really. Dumb. But the dumbness doesn’t stop there. This god, who created me evil so that I don’t even have a choice about it, says that he loves me despite the evil that I cannot help. Of course he does! It’s his fault! He created me evil, and then for him to say, “Fuck you, I don’t give a shit about you because you’re evil,” is a real dick move. But the story gets better. This god cannot remove my evil, I guess because that’s beyond him. He can’t even say that I’m forgiven for him putting the evil in me, because that’s beyond him, too. He MUST punish me for something he did to me, otherwise he wouldn’t be “just” (WTF??!!). "I'm gonna punish you because you're exactly the way I made you, you fucker." So the way he punishes me, is to send his son to my planet, kill his son, and then I’m fully punished for that which I had no control over and now I can go to heaven. Somebody else got spanked because I was created evil. And that's the kind of punishment I can expect from this loving god: when I do something, he'll crucify somebody who isn't me, and it's preferable if it's his kid. It’s like telling your kid, “I know you took the cookies, so I’m gonna kill your sister, and then you will be forgiven.” Or maybe it’s like, “I know you guys over here in Afganistan flew planes into the World Trade Center, so I’m going to declare war on Iraq, and then you’ll be forgiven!” What kind of sick, twisted story is this?? It’s stupidity rolled in a tortilla of willful ignorance, wrapped around cheesy denial and the succulent morsels of lightly seasoned inability to think beyond what you’re told. It’s the Religion Burrito and it tastes like terrorism, apocalypse and Armageddon. And it wouldn’t be so bad, if only I could just remove myself from the same place as these people. You go ahead and believe your wackiness, I’ll just go over here where your uninformed thoughts can’t hurt me or my family. Except there is no place where my family is safe! We're all trapped on this planet that these nutfuckers wanna see end so they can sit next to their perfect Man-God and have a giant circle-jerk and gargle his holy cum.
And right after reading that, I read about how the Oklahoma State Representative Mark McCullough announced plans to file legislation that will allow teachers and principals certified by the Council on Law Enforcement Education and Training (CLEET) to carry firearms at school and at school events. You know, to keep kids and teachers safe from the nuts carrying guns at schools and school events. More Jesus cum gargle, but now it's in the veil of carrying guns so that we can be protected from guns. I know when I want to avoid being bitten by a snake I carry two of them on my hips. Sound Reasoning. And now I've got a mouthful of Jesus Juice. Delish and mind-numbing!
When do I get to get off this crazy Ferris wheel? It’s all just so overwhelming sometimes. So little thought, and so much idiocy.
Gotta do what I tell my 16-year-old: focus on positives.
What’s positive? Gotta focus on the positive or get washed away with negatives.
1. I’m married to my best friend, my dream girl, my high school sweetheart, and my soul mate.
2. I have food in my belly and a roof over my head.
3. I have a working car that gets me around town nicely.
4. I have an iPod that I love carrying with me so that I can listen to my music whenever I want.
5. I have a supportive and great family.
6. I have performed in 3 shows this past weekend that were really well received.
7. I got to drink beer last night, and I didn’t wake up with any kind of hangover at all!
8. I’m about to get almost a week off from work for the Christmas holiday.
That’s pretty good. Right?
Ima focus on that.
Ima TRY to focus on that.
Seeking my Joy in the Jesus of the Bible.
My purpose in life is to glorify God BY enjoying Him forever.
The entire point of the Bible is the cross. There is much misunderstanding regarding what the Gospel is. It only makes sense, however, when we know what the bad news is.
The bad news is that by nature and choice we are sinners- we aren’t good people who do bad things, we are bad people. That’s why we do bad things. (See Matthew 7 where Jesus talks about good trees bearing good fruit and bad trees bearing bad fruit.) We have committed cosmic treason against the God who is the judge of all the earth, upholding everything by the word of His power. Since we have shown our rebellion and hatred against such an awesome and just God, we rightly deserve equal punishment. That is Hell. I should be under the wrath of God right now because I’ve sinned against Him my entire life.
The Good News: YHWH God looks at us and sees us in our sin and says, “Yes, you deserve my wrath, but I’m going to choose to love you in spite of that. So I will send my son to bear the punishment that you deserve.” Because of this He can still be “just [it wouldn’t be just to let the guilty go unpunished] and the justifier of the ungodly.” Jesus takes the full wrath of all Christians past, present, & future on the cross Himself for our sake. And because He lived a perfect life only ever doing what the Father asked Him, the pain and death of the God-man, Jesus, was more than valuable enough to pay our sin-debt. It was shown that this was acceptable when He came back to life 3 days later, and now sits at the right hand of the God Father, as The Sacrificial Lamb, our advocate before Him, the Prophet, Priest, and King. We will all physically rise again from death when He returns very soon and we will either be judged by our own deeds or by His perfect life.
I am committed to [the name of his church]. My aim is to see my grandchildren hearing the word of God there and serving. They are a community that is very genuine, very messy, and very much relying on Jesus as their righteousness and hope in all things.
So, being the kind of guy I am, I looked up Matthew 7... cuz that seemed like the first place to start. After all, there was a lot to digest, and being a sinner, I wanted to see how, by "nature and choice" I was a sinner and how, hopefully by choice, I could stop. I started with Matthew 7:17. The New International Version of the Bible has Matthew 7:17 reading, “Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit.” English Standard Version of the Bible reads, “So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit.” International Standard Version: “In the same way, every good tree produces good fruit, but a rotten tree produces bad fruit.” King James Bible (Cambridge Ed.): “Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.” American King James Version: “Even so every good tree brings forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree brings forth evil fruit.” Darby Bible Translation: “So every good tree produces good fruits, but the worthless tree produces bad fruits.” Weymouth New Testament: “Just so every good tree produces good fruit, but a poisonous tree produces bad fruit.” Young’s Literal Translation: “so every good tree doth yield good fruits, but the bad tree doth yield evil fruits.” And, last but not least, Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary regarding Matthew 7:15-20: “Nothing so much prevents men from entering the strait gate, and becoming true followers of Christ, as the carnal, soothing, flattering doctrines of those who oppose the truth. They may be known by the drift and effects of their doctrines. Some part of their temper and conduct is contrary to the mind of Christ. Those opinions come not from God that lead to sin.”
With so many translations… how does anybody know what is “contrary to the mind of Christ”? What language did Christ speak in, anyway?! The Language of Confusion?! And how do you get that we’re ALL bad trees from any of that?? Looks like, if I produce good/unevil/unpoisonous/unworthless/healthy/undiseased fruit, I would be considered a good/healthy/worthwhile/unpoisonous tree. Those who produce evil fruit—incidentally, what is evil fruit? Is that a pear that keeps kicking you in the balls, even though you ask it not to? Or maybe a watermelon who keeps prank-calling your mom and telling her you’re dead? Just thoughts on the nature of Evil Fruit. Let’s continue—those who produce evil fruit are then evil. Doesn’t say EVERYBODY produces evil fruit. Just those who do. So… maybe some people aren’t evil trees?
I have an issue with the thoughts that I was born a sinner. Okay, maybe I choose to be a sinner, I can get behind that. But being born a sinner is really hard for me, because that, then, says that there is a god who made me evil before I came out. Who the fuck does that? What kind of god makes his creations evil? That’s just dumb. Really. Dumb. But the dumbness doesn’t stop there. This god, who created me evil so that I don’t even have a choice about it, says that he loves me despite the evil that I cannot help. Of course he does! It’s his fault! He created me evil, and then for him to say, “Fuck you, I don’t give a shit about you because you’re evil,” is a real dick move. But the story gets better. This god cannot remove my evil, I guess because that’s beyond him. He can’t even say that I’m forgiven for him putting the evil in me, because that’s beyond him, too. He MUST punish me for something he did to me, otherwise he wouldn’t be “just” (WTF??!!). "I'm gonna punish you because you're exactly the way I made you, you fucker." So the way he punishes me, is to send his son to my planet, kill his son, and then I’m fully punished for that which I had no control over and now I can go to heaven. Somebody else got spanked because I was created evil. And that's the kind of punishment I can expect from this loving god: when I do something, he'll crucify somebody who isn't me, and it's preferable if it's his kid. It’s like telling your kid, “I know you took the cookies, so I’m gonna kill your sister, and then you will be forgiven.” Or maybe it’s like, “I know you guys over here in Afganistan flew planes into the World Trade Center, so I’m going to declare war on Iraq, and then you’ll be forgiven!” What kind of sick, twisted story is this?? It’s stupidity rolled in a tortilla of willful ignorance, wrapped around cheesy denial and the succulent morsels of lightly seasoned inability to think beyond what you’re told. It’s the Religion Burrito and it tastes like terrorism, apocalypse and Armageddon. And it wouldn’t be so bad, if only I could just remove myself from the same place as these people. You go ahead and believe your wackiness, I’ll just go over here where your uninformed thoughts can’t hurt me or my family. Except there is no place where my family is safe! We're all trapped on this planet that these nutfuckers wanna see end so they can sit next to their perfect Man-God and have a giant circle-jerk and gargle his holy cum.
And right after reading that, I read about how the Oklahoma State Representative Mark McCullough announced plans to file legislation that will allow teachers and principals certified by the Council on Law Enforcement Education and Training (CLEET) to carry firearms at school and at school events. You know, to keep kids and teachers safe from the nuts carrying guns at schools and school events. More Jesus cum gargle, but now it's in the veil of carrying guns so that we can be protected from guns. I know when I want to avoid being bitten by a snake I carry two of them on my hips. Sound Reasoning. And now I've got a mouthful of Jesus Juice. Delish and mind-numbing!
When do I get to get off this crazy Ferris wheel? It’s all just so overwhelming sometimes. So little thought, and so much idiocy.
Gotta do what I tell my 16-year-old: focus on positives.
What’s positive? Gotta focus on the positive or get washed away with negatives.
1. I’m married to my best friend, my dream girl, my high school sweetheart, and my soul mate.
2. I have food in my belly and a roof over my head.
3. I have a working car that gets me around town nicely.
4. I have an iPod that I love carrying with me so that I can listen to my music whenever I want.
5. I have a supportive and great family.
6. I have performed in 3 shows this past weekend that were really well received.
7. I got to drink beer last night, and I didn’t wake up with any kind of hangover at all!
8. I’m about to get almost a week off from work for the Christmas holiday.
That’s pretty good. Right?
Ima focus on that.
Ima TRY to focus on that.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Happy 12/12/12!!
Happy 12/12/12!!
The next time this will happen (month, day and year are all the same number) is on 1/1/3001. I don't plan on being alive then. But you never know.
At twelve minutes after noon today, it will be twelve twleve on twelve twelve twelve.
If you type the word "twelve" a lot, it starts to not look like a word anymore.
Happy Twelve Twelve Twelve!
The next time this will happen (month, day and year are all the same number) is on 1/1/3001. I don't plan on being alive then. But you never know.
At twelve minutes after noon today, it will be twelve twleve on twelve twelve twelve.
If you type the word "twelve" a lot, it starts to not look like a word anymore.
Happy Twelve Twelve Twelve!
Monday, December 10, 2012
Trying To Make It Clear For Me
A few days ago, I asked my mother and step-father if they would be willing to testify that my wife's 16-year-old son has shown improvement in his school work and life since living full time with his mother. Both of them were very quick to answer yes, they would do that.
I told my wife, and as we talked about it for a moment, she said something about how my parent's ease and eagerness to help was a telling sign about my wife's mother. I asked her what she meant. She said, "My mom told me that she wouldn't testify." I quickly snapped, "Your mother's a liar and can't be trusted. And I can almost guarantee that she's going to testify against you." My wife stayed calm as she tried to get me to understand her point. "Your parents were quick to say that they would help me. My own mother was quick to say that she wasn't going to get involved. And she only said that after I found out that she had said my ex was a better parent than me."
There have been some moments recently that hang a weight on the air around a certain thought, like the whole world has just gotten a little heavier, and it's a little harder to stand upright. When my wife explained those thoughts about her mother, that's what happened. It was like I was breathing a thickness that coated my lungs and made even normal breaths laborious.
It's difficult to describe how lucky you feel when you know you had a good mother raising you. And as a kid, it doesn't happen much. With me, it happened slowly over the course of my life. As a child, I probably didn't think much of it. As a teen, my mother became very valuable to me, constantly supporting me, even at times when she couldn't rescue me or when it was more helpful for me to deal with the consequences of my actions on my own. And the older I get, and the more I see of what the world is, the more I get a better understanding of what kind of tremendous gift I was given with my mother. I would like to share her with everyone, so that everyone can know what it's like to have somebody as truly excellent as she is. I'm very fortunate that I get to share her with my wife and our boys.
And at the same time, I wish I could go back and give somebody like my mother to my wife. Cuts heal, but the scars they leave stay forever if the cut is deep enough. Having a mother tell a lawyer that your abusive ex-husband is a better parent than you are is a pretty deep cut. Especially when there is no reason for that statement. Absolutely none. An abusive ex-husband and an abusive mother, and one endless battle, where one side is trying to care for the children involved, and the other side is actively trying to hurt as many people as possible, even the children.
Why in the world are we still going through this?
And how do I help my wife understand and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that her mother and her ex-husband are completely and totally wrong? And even after she knows that, how in the world do I help her heal?
I told my wife, and as we talked about it for a moment, she said something about how my parent's ease and eagerness to help was a telling sign about my wife's mother. I asked her what she meant. She said, "My mom told me that she wouldn't testify." I quickly snapped, "Your mother's a liar and can't be trusted. And I can almost guarantee that she's going to testify against you." My wife stayed calm as she tried to get me to understand her point. "Your parents were quick to say that they would help me. My own mother was quick to say that she wasn't going to get involved. And she only said that after I found out that she had said my ex was a better parent than me."
There have been some moments recently that hang a weight on the air around a certain thought, like the whole world has just gotten a little heavier, and it's a little harder to stand upright. When my wife explained those thoughts about her mother, that's what happened. It was like I was breathing a thickness that coated my lungs and made even normal breaths laborious.
It's difficult to describe how lucky you feel when you know you had a good mother raising you. And as a kid, it doesn't happen much. With me, it happened slowly over the course of my life. As a child, I probably didn't think much of it. As a teen, my mother became very valuable to me, constantly supporting me, even at times when she couldn't rescue me or when it was more helpful for me to deal with the consequences of my actions on my own. And the older I get, and the more I see of what the world is, the more I get a better understanding of what kind of tremendous gift I was given with my mother. I would like to share her with everyone, so that everyone can know what it's like to have somebody as truly excellent as she is. I'm very fortunate that I get to share her with my wife and our boys.
And at the same time, I wish I could go back and give somebody like my mother to my wife. Cuts heal, but the scars they leave stay forever if the cut is deep enough. Having a mother tell a lawyer that your abusive ex-husband is a better parent than you are is a pretty deep cut. Especially when there is no reason for that statement. Absolutely none. An abusive ex-husband and an abusive mother, and one endless battle, where one side is trying to care for the children involved, and the other side is actively trying to hurt as many people as possible, even the children.
Why in the world are we still going through this?
And how do I help my wife understand and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that her mother and her ex-husband are completely and totally wrong? And even after she knows that, how in the world do I help her heal?
Serenity Please
There is only so much I can do.
There is only so much stress I can accommodate.
There is only so much that I can worry.
About everything.
Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Please grant me the serenity.
There is only so much stress I can accommodate.
There is only so much that I can worry.
About everything.
Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Please grant me the serenity.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
don't like this
don't like this
and not sure what's happening to me
not sure why i can't get it all out
and continue
not able to focus, think about anything, see straight
not sure why
don't like it
not sure what to do
and not sure why it came about all day today.
just a build up of everything?
anxiety attack over the course of 10 hours?
prolonged... something?
i can't do something
it doesn't all make sense to me
and not sure what's happening to me
not sure why i can't get it all out
and continue
not able to focus, think about anything, see straight
not sure why
don't like it
not sure what to do
and not sure why it came about all day today.
just a build up of everything?
anxiety attack over the course of 10 hours?
prolonged... something?
i can't do something
it doesn't all make sense to me
can't think straight
just can't even think straight
superball life dashing in my skull
feel like i keep falling down steps
and falling down steps
superball life dashing in my skull
feel like i keep falling down steps
and falling down steps
treading
i sit here and feel lost
feel like i could use some help
but don't know who to ask to help me
because i don't really know what's wrong with me
except a whole bunch of stuff
piled on top
so i don't reach out
as i don't know who to reach to
and i don't know what to ask for
except some kind of help
all kinds of help
just struggling in it all today
all feeling really, really heavy
and i'm feeling really, really tired
like i've been treading water for years and just want a break
or the shore
or a floaty
something
but i keep treading water without help
and i keep treading so that i don't drown
but it's so exhausting
feel like i could use some help
but don't know who to ask to help me
because i don't really know what's wrong with me
except a whole bunch of stuff
piled on top
so i don't reach out
as i don't know who to reach to
and i don't know what to ask for
except some kind of help
all kinds of help
just struggling in it all today
all feeling really, really heavy
and i'm feeling really, really tired
like i've been treading water for years and just want a break
or the shore
or a floaty
something
but i keep treading water without help
and i keep treading so that i don't drown
but it's so exhausting
Not Logging Absences
A kid gets sick and is taken out of school.
He goes to the doctor, gets medicine, gets better.
Mom takes a doctor's note to the school to show that kid went to the doctor.
Absence is, therefore, excused.
But the doctor note isn't logged properly.
Who knows why.
It just wasn't.
So kid gets sick again. Doesn't go to school. Because that's what you do when you're sick.
The school automatically generates a letter because he's had too many unexcused absences.
Mom calls the school, and finds out the doctor's notes weren't properly logged.
She needs to take them back.
She sends all this information to her ex-husband, who is suing her for sole custody of their children.
She sends all this information to her attorney, who has an intense conversation with her about this.
She anticipates this being used against her and her children.
She anticipates the ex will make an issue of it.
She anticipates the ex's attorney will make an issue of it.
They have in the past.
Why would they change now?
It's not about the kid's education and if he's doing well.
It's not about the kid's health and if he's feeling better.
It's about the failings of the mother and why the kid shouldn't be with her.
And the fight intensifies.
For the wrong reasons.
About the wrong issues.
And the kid gets sidelined again.
This. Is. Too. Much.
It is wrong.
He goes to the doctor, gets medicine, gets better.
Mom takes a doctor's note to the school to show that kid went to the doctor.
Absence is, therefore, excused.
But the doctor note isn't logged properly.
Who knows why.
It just wasn't.
So kid gets sick again. Doesn't go to school. Because that's what you do when you're sick.
The school automatically generates a letter because he's had too many unexcused absences.
Mom calls the school, and finds out the doctor's notes weren't properly logged.
She needs to take them back.
She sends all this information to her ex-husband, who is suing her for sole custody of their children.
She sends all this information to her attorney, who has an intense conversation with her about this.
She anticipates this being used against her and her children.
She anticipates the ex will make an issue of it.
She anticipates the ex's attorney will make an issue of it.
They have in the past.
Why would they change now?
It's not about the kid's education and if he's doing well.
It's not about the kid's health and if he's feeling better.
It's about the failings of the mother and why the kid shouldn't be with her.
And the fight intensifies.
For the wrong reasons.
About the wrong issues.
And the kid gets sidelined again.
This. Is. Too. Much.
It is wrong.
little shits
i hate him and i hate him and i hate her and i hate him and i hate her. i hate them all who stench around me and i hate me for caring about that miserable bile. and i hate hating and hate beering and i hate thinking about what i'm going to say when i hate him. and i hate tired and i hate sleep and i hate tv and i hate money and i hate politics and i hate money and i hate money and i hate not having money. and i hate the knocks in my car and i hate my hair and i hate my lack of hair and i hate my fat and i hate my sedentary and i hate what i've become and i hate where i'm going and i hate the people around me and i hate the people who continue to attack and i hate the backwards and i hate the exposed and i hate the worms who crawl and exploit those who dare to stand. and i hate those who acted surprised and i hate those who judge and i hate those who are insecure and paranoid and fearful and shy and sad and miserable and mewling. and i hate faces and people and music that doesn't fulfill. and i hate spelling and rules and people who correct funner. and i hate people who make rules like shrimp fork and pinky out. and i hate exclusionaries and those who empower exclusionaries. and i hate prenteses and fake and misdirection and deception. and i hate business and finances and mandatory meetings and intentional complexities and rules that prevent assistance from being applied. and i hate what we are as people. and i hate what we've built and what we value. and i hate all the people who don't think about it and make it stronger through their ignorance. and i hate the people who remain willfully ignorant. and i hate the people who encourage ignorance and profit from mass stupidity. and i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate. and i rage and rage and rage in my silent cube with nowhere to go and nothing in the future and all i've got is a singular focus on 5:50ish, pushing everything else out of my mind to the detriment of everything else. fucking people. fucking person. it's not worth all this. it's just not worth it. you're not worth it. and he's not worth it. and she's not worth it. and fuck off. all of you. just fuck the right off. and fucking fuck yourself for denying your own growth. for saying no to yourself. and then asking me to help you. you help you. you get over it. i've given you the path and i've shown you the door. now step through it where i'm waiting for you. and let yourself cry and be scared and terrified of that which you can't even verbalize yet and while you're there keep walking towards me unless you want the fear to consume you and win and then for the rest of your life you'll be asking people for help and they will all eventually come to the same answer "let go" which you won't hear and you won't do because you start with "that won't work". "i'm boring". go fuck yourself. and fuck your older married man. and fuck your business and doorbell and insurance and all your congealed failure wrapped in a success box that people marvel at and say things like "you must really know what you're doing". i am not the only one who sees you, but others with eyes like mine are few and far between and our numbers are not dense enough to change your behavior or make you realize what a fake you really are. you pathetic, sniveling fuckstain. you snack on fecal flecks in your boxers. you're a zit. you've grown because you're an infection. and the other infections don't want you to fall because that might signal that they, too, have been created by the body's need to get rid of them. you little shit. all of you. little. shits. on my dinner plate.
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