finding it hard to concentrate.
i keep thinking about Him.
i'm giving Him a lot of power over me.
i don't know how to stop, though.
i don't know if i'm supposed to stop right now.
isn't there some kind of time period that you get where you can feel angry without feeling guilty about giving negative people power in your life?
and if there is, then there must also be a time when i should be allowed to stop feeling angry. right? logic.
so i want these definites.
it would help in terms of taking care of myself.
if my temperature is over 98.6, i know that i'm running a fever and i can take some medicine.
what is the appropriate amount of time to feel angry about shit happening on a legal level regarding the health and well-being of my two boys and my wife, not to mention myself, as i continue to deal with these issues as well. but i don't really count. they have to deal with him. the boys have to live with him still. i just get to pay the bills. buy him christmas gifts. birthday gifts. i work so that his children can buy him shit. and then he can hurt the people i love. something seems so completely wrong with that.
so how long do i have to feel pissed about that? a day? a month? three years? how long until i know that i'm sick and i need to take medicine?
and how long until i get better? you get a fever, they give you medicine, and tell you to call them in the morning. so how long until i should call somebody? a week? a couple fortnights?
seems to me like this is all kinds of fucked up. i don't get to if i'm sick. i don't even really get a guide as to if i'm sick. okay... if you have problems getting up in the morning, caring for personal hygiene, relating with others. these are symptoms of depression. what if the others you relate to are wanting to hurt you, and you know that they are because they write legal documents saying that you shouldn't be allowed as much time with their children because you're too much of a playmate to them (like that's a bad thing???). i guess the conclusion of that thought is that i'm too much of a playmate, and not enough of a father. i guess i figured that they already had a father, but i really shouldn't have figured that. he's only there, taking my money, taking my boys, taking my wife, and then saying that he has issues with his kids being at our house for reasons THAT HE'S NEVER TALKED WITH US ABOUT! if they're such big issues, shouldn't you say something? it leads me to believe, as my wife wonderfully stated, either they're not important enough issues to talk about, or they're fabricated.
but those fabrications continue to be listened to and acted upon!
so when do i get to move on?
and when can i go to a doctor and say, "i need meds." i mean, if i go to a doctor, it is sure to be brought up in court as a weakness. "This man has a mental impairment which requires medication and, therefore, is not a healthy influence for my children." and he will get listened to. or, i don't go to a doctor, which will be brought up as a negative. "This man has refused to care for his mental health issues by seeking professional treatment and, therefore, is not a healthy influence for my children."
there's no escape.
for any of us.
fuck this shit.
there's gotta be a way out. something to hold on to and say, "this, i can look forward to. there is an end to it all."
i used to joke, when the theatre was closing and we were all losing our jobs and none of us knew if the theatre was going to re-open and none of us knew what we were going to do or where we were going to go, i would joke that this period of limbo wasn't so bad. it had a bright side, just like prison rape: at some point, it has to end.
i still think that's funny. not many others do. i think shawn thinks it's funny. dustin might think it's funny. pat thought it was funny. i'm pretty sure those are the only people who thought it was funny. and me. i thought it was funny.
still do. i think it's fucking funny as shit.
except this prison rape doesn't feel like it's going to end.
so, i guess, it's becoming less funny.
i keep thinking about Him.
i'm giving Him a lot of power over me.
i don't know how to stop, though.
i don't know if i'm supposed to stop right now.
isn't there some kind of time period that you get where you can feel angry without feeling guilty about giving negative people power in your life?
and if there is, then there must also be a time when i should be allowed to stop feeling angry. right? logic.
so i want these definites.
it would help in terms of taking care of myself.
if my temperature is over 98.6, i know that i'm running a fever and i can take some medicine.
what is the appropriate amount of time to feel angry about shit happening on a legal level regarding the health and well-being of my two boys and my wife, not to mention myself, as i continue to deal with these issues as well. but i don't really count. they have to deal with him. the boys have to live with him still. i just get to pay the bills. buy him christmas gifts. birthday gifts. i work so that his children can buy him shit. and then he can hurt the people i love. something seems so completely wrong with that.
so how long do i have to feel pissed about that? a day? a month? three years? how long until i know that i'm sick and i need to take medicine?
and how long until i get better? you get a fever, they give you medicine, and tell you to call them in the morning. so how long until i should call somebody? a week? a couple fortnights?
seems to me like this is all kinds of fucked up. i don't get to if i'm sick. i don't even really get a guide as to if i'm sick. okay... if you have problems getting up in the morning, caring for personal hygiene, relating with others. these are symptoms of depression. what if the others you relate to are wanting to hurt you, and you know that they are because they write legal documents saying that you shouldn't be allowed as much time with their children because you're too much of a playmate to them (like that's a bad thing???). i guess the conclusion of that thought is that i'm too much of a playmate, and not enough of a father. i guess i figured that they already had a father, but i really shouldn't have figured that. he's only there, taking my money, taking my boys, taking my wife, and then saying that he has issues with his kids being at our house for reasons THAT HE'S NEVER TALKED WITH US ABOUT! if they're such big issues, shouldn't you say something? it leads me to believe, as my wife wonderfully stated, either they're not important enough issues to talk about, or they're fabricated.
but those fabrications continue to be listened to and acted upon!
so when do i get to move on?
and when can i go to a doctor and say, "i need meds." i mean, if i go to a doctor, it is sure to be brought up in court as a weakness. "This man has a mental impairment which requires medication and, therefore, is not a healthy influence for my children." and he will get listened to. or, i don't go to a doctor, which will be brought up as a negative. "This man has refused to care for his mental health issues by seeking professional treatment and, therefore, is not a healthy influence for my children."
there's no escape.
for any of us.
fuck this shit.
there's gotta be a way out. something to hold on to and say, "this, i can look forward to. there is an end to it all."
i used to joke, when the theatre was closing and we were all losing our jobs and none of us knew if the theatre was going to re-open and none of us knew what we were going to do or where we were going to go, i would joke that this period of limbo wasn't so bad. it had a bright side, just like prison rape: at some point, it has to end.
i still think that's funny. not many others do. i think shawn thinks it's funny. dustin might think it's funny. pat thought it was funny. i'm pretty sure those are the only people who thought it was funny. and me. i thought it was funny.
still do. i think it's fucking funny as shit.
except this prison rape doesn't feel like it's going to end.
so, i guess, it's becoming less funny.
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