Yesterday I was doing ok. My wife was having a hard day for many different reasons. The boys were not helping her. Our 14-year-old was being a downright asshole to her. But I was able to hold myself up above the emotional waves and I was able to take care of myself and, ultimately, help my wife feel better.
I wish it could always be like that.
Today, she was supposed to go see a therapist to see if she could learn to communicate better with her ex. This is a therapist that our guardian ad litem recommended, so I'm already suspicious of the talents of aforementioned therapist. I also am imagining my wife sitting in a room alone with her Monster Ex as he lies to the therapist about who-knows-what, and dominating the conversation and preventing her from presenting her side of the story and the end of the therapy session would be just like it has been in the past: she's hurt and in tears and Monster feels like he's won another round, making him even more likely to behave like this, or worse, in the future. And I never know what to say when my wife is like that. There's really nothing I can say. I can't make it better. All I can do is hold her and pet her and tell her that I love her, which doesn't make her feel any better. It doesn't help. I don't help.
I've been preoccupied with these thoughts today. Even after receiving the text from my wife that the Monster Ex wasn't at the appointment today, I was unable to shake those horrible feelings. I feel unable to concentrate on my work.
I'm also a government employee who is looking to my government to make a decision as to the federal budget before the end of the week or else the government will shut down and I will be forced out of work without pay for as long as the government is closed.
I am trying every day to stay above water, and some days it almost seems impossible.
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