Ass Kick

Scott and Sploogeman are walking along the street after work. It's dusk. Sploogeman is wearing a stick-on name tag: "Hi! My name is Sploogeman". Sploogeman is confiding in Scott about his love life.
"We went out a couple of times, so that means she must be interested in me, right?"
"No," laughs Scott. "It probably means she wants a free dinner. She didn't kiss you, did she?"
"No, but she did pat my hand."
"Yeah, Sploogeman. Patting your hand doesn't mean that she wants you."
"I'm so lonely."
"Of course you are, Sploogeman. You're Sploogeman." Scott laughs half-heartedly at his stupid joke. He turns to walk down a dark alley, and Sploogeman notices and stops.
"Hey, you're not going to walk down that dark alley, are ya, Scott?"
"Yes I am, Sploogeman," Scott scoffs, lightly. "You don't have to follow me if your vagina hurts."
"No, my vagina feels fine."
"Whatever," Scott said, dismissively. Sploogeman stands in fear, watching Scott walk into the dark alley. Finally, he manages to squeeze out a yelp of fear from between terrified lips.
"Did I ever tell you you're my hero?!"
Scott walks carelessly, without a smile or spring in his step, down the dark alley. A man wearing a ski mask comes out to block Scott's path. Scott stops. Ski Mask says nothing. Scott scoffs at Ski Mask.
"What's up, douche?"
Ski Mask is silent. Scott points at Ski Mask, questioningly.
"Pentecostal?"
Ski Mask is silent.
"Peace 'em out, dick-sickle."
Ski Mask whips out a baseball bat and plants it in Scott's sternum, stopping him and knocking the wind out of him slightly.
"Dickman!"
"Owwww."
"Scott Dickman!"
"Owwww."
"Scotticule Pigglestink Dickman!"
Scott looks up at Ski Mask, surprised to hear his full name.
"Scotticule Pigglestink Dickman, you know what you've done!"
Scott continues to look, amazed, at Ski Mask as we flashback to events that Scott has done in the past:
At his office, Scott stands over a co-worker, pointing and laughing an obnoxious laugh.
At his office, Scott pushes a woman out of the way so that he can get to the water fountain before her.
At his office, Scott stands over a second co-worker, pointing and laughing an obnoxious laugh.
At his office, Scott sits at his desk and lets the phone ring continuously without picking it up.
At his office, Scott parks his car in two different handicapped spaces and walks away as a car with a handicapped sticker in it's windshield stops from parking in one of the spaces.
At his office, Scott takes a dump on somebody else's desk.
At his office, Scott jukes somebody as they walk down the hallway past him. The co-worker flinches violently, throwing papers in the air, scattering them everywhere. Scott walks by, scoffing.
At his office, Scott rubs his hand in his pants, and then rubs the soiled hand on the water fountain button.
At his office, Scott's phone is ringing while he's playing Minesweeper on his computer.
At his office, Scott stands over a third co-worker, a fourth co-worker, a fifth co-worker, pointing and laughing an obnoxious laugh.
We return to Scott's face as he realizes what he's done. He starts to tremble.
"I didn't know they were handicapped spaces!"
"Scott Dickman..."
"I have asthma!"
"...you will now pay for your crimes!"
Scott's entire face screams, and we pull back to see that the baseball bat has been shoved almost completely up his ass. Scott's pants are around his ankles and he is bent over a trashcan. Ski Mask is bending down behind Scott. Ski Mask stands up with a clear Solo cup in his hand. It has a lot of red fluid in it. Ski Mask shoves it forward, into Scott's face.
"Now drink your ass blood!"
The title card appears: "Ass Kick".
The credits roll:
Scott Pigglestink Dickman played by Your Boss
Sploogeman played by Your Boss' Retarded Sycophant
The People At Scott's Office played by The People At Your Office
Ski Mask played by You
Congratulations!