Trying to Take Care of Myself

The Man tread water, doing his best to keep his head above water.

He has asked for help a while ago.  But none had come.

So he kept treading water.

He had worked harder for some help.  But none had come. 

So he kept treading water and working harder.

He worked even harder to get help.

And, finally, he was told he would be receiving help.

"We will be sending you help.  Please continue to work even harder so that we can send you help.

The Man, already fatigued, continued to work even harder.

But help didn't arrive.

He asked why help hadn't arrived.

"Help will arrive.  Paperwork.  You know.  Keep working harder and your help will arrive."

The fatigued Man continued to work even harder.




My car broke down on the side of the highway one week ago.
I was able to get it into a parking lot, off the highway.
After many phone calls, I had the issue resolved to a degree.
The repair guy was going to look at my car on Monday (they're not open on the weekends) and would give me an estimate on the repair.  My family had lovingly come to rescue me.  The tow truck guy had come to get my car with a cheaper-than-expected tow.  I had spoken with my wife and, although it really hurt to think about the money we had saved going to fix my car, it was nice to actually have the money, rather than not.

In those moments, I felt really great.
I felt really lucky to have a family that would come and get me, and I felt really lucky that my wife had been able to save as much money as she had.
I felt like, at last, I was at a point where I was able to take care of myself and my family.
It felt good.

Then the repair guy called.
The car worked fine, he said.
He couldn't find anything definitively wrong with it, he said.
There were many things that were needed, he said.
But he couldn't guarantee any of them would fix the issue, because he couldn't make the car duplicate the issue to see what was wrong.
He told me I would need a timing belt.  That, he thought, was probably the issue.  And even if it wasn't, I was way overdue for a new timing belt.  And a timing belt, as I already knew, was vital to the functionality of the car and not something I would be able to repair myself.
A water pump was needed with the timing belt repair.
A cam shaft kit was needed, probably, as the cam shaft sensors had shown something was wrong with them.
And, possibly, this would fix my issues.
And I would need to pay for the tow.
$1,200.
I don't have that kind of money.
Even with all the saving we were able to do, we weren't able to take care of ourselves.
But I would be getting a raise at the end of the month.
So if I took our savings, all of it, and combined it with my raise, all of it, I would be able to fix my car, putting my family back at square one financially.
And, maybe, my car would be fixed.
And if it wasn't, then I would be even more in the shitter.
So I told the man that I would have the money for him in two weeks.
He said he would fix the car.
I told him to work slowly.
He laughed.
Then...
I went to work and checked my paycheck.
It was no different than it had been in previous months.
The money I was expecting, that I told the mechanic I would use to fix my car, was not there.
And then I started writing emails.
"Hi, I got a promotion at the beginning of the month.  I started working at raised levels at the beginning of the month, but my paycheck does not reflect this.  Please tell me why."
I have one lady who is responding to me now, and she always starts with an apology.
"I'm sorry for the delay..."
"I'm sorry it took me a while to get back with you..."
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you what I had done..."
But the bottom line is that my paycheck won't be any different in May than it was in April, despite my promotion at the beginning of April.
And that change in my paycheck was what I was going to use to fix my car.
My wife and I talked about being a one-car family, and we decided that it might be possible for the two weeks we would be without my car, but I would need to pick her up from work.
Next week, I start working overtime.
12-hour days for four weeks.
And I won't be able to come pick up my wife from her work until 7ish.  Roughly 5 hours after she's done with work.
She will need to figure out how to get to and from work.  We may end up spending money on a rental car... which would make the price tag for the 2+ weeks without my car jump to $1,350.
All because I'm not getting the pay for my promotion I was told I was going to get.
It's not like I'm fighting to get paid in a timely manner because I need to buy booze.  Or hookers.  Or cocaine.  Or... model motorcycles that will sit in my fucking closet and never get used (I STILL can't believe I did that... I'm so fucking stupid... and I STILL can't believe that's something that causes me to get angry... fucking let it go, already... fuck, I wish I did that better...).  I'm trying to get my car back so that I can go to work and my wife can go to work so we can pay to almost get by.
And I took these overtime hours because I could count on them coming through in the middle of next month (or so I believe), so maybe that will offset...
And I just had a woman come by my office now telling me that my promotion was officially approved two days ago (22nd), and I would see a partial retro-pay come through on my check on May 12th, and then a full promotional increase at the end of May.
So I may not really be able to take care of myself or my family until June.
All the money my wife saved for paying child support... I spent that.
All the money I worked for to help with child support... I spent that.
All the money that I'm working for now and working overtime for... I've spent that, too.

I'm so fatigued.
And I'll be working 6:30 to 6:30 for four weeks... so making an appointment with a shrink is out of the question for another month.
Another way I'm unable to care for myself.
I'm so fatigued.
And feel like a pussy for feeling fatigued.
I wanna run away.
I just want to leave it all.
I want to get away.
Just let everything fall down.
I'm so fatigued.