My wife agreed to see her 13-year-old on a very limited schedule. She went from seeing him every week for seven days, to seeing him every other week for a weekend (3 nights, 2 days).
The last weekend he was with us, he came to our house extremely late in the evening (around 10), because he was at a party with friends. Saturday, he spent the day with us at an aquarium celebrating his brother's 18th birthday. Sunday, he went to church in the morning, then went to band practice in the afternoon. I feel like he did something in the evening, also, but I can't remember. We didn't see him much that weekend. That was the first weekend of this limited schedule. My wife had a hard time with that. But she pushed through. That's kinda how she does.
On Monday, she went to his middle school and took our 13-year-old out for lunch. She had a good lunch with him, a little less than an hour, and I could see her relax a little as she told me about their time. It wasn't much, but it was really important to her.
Later that day, or maybe it was later that week, she received a text from our 13-year-old. She stated that it didn't seem like it was from him, as it used punctuation, words and greetings that he never used, and said things atypical of his tone and style. This might not be an issue of much consideration, except that his phone is routinely accessed by his father, and it's used and altered by his father and step-mother, according to our 13-year-old. His father, of course, refuses to say anything. Won't respond to the question except to say he doesn't need to respond to the question and it's none of my wife's business. So the 13-year-old's text to her said that if he was going to go have lunch with her in the future during school, permission would need to be asked of his father. My wife responded saying that she figured he had asked his father for permission, then asked if there was a problem going to lunch with his mother. He responded no, and the texting ended for that day.
Last night, around 10pm, he texted again. He stated that his cousin (his father's sister's son) had broken his collar bone, and his aunt and cousin were moving into a different house on Saturday, and they would need his help. My wife asked why he needed to go help, and he responded that his older male cousin had broken his collarbone, his younger female cousin had broken her wrist, and they needed his help to move. My wife responded that she wanted to see him during his extremely limited time with us. He responded, "I know. But I want to." To which, my wife responded that she would talk about it with him when he got to our house on Friday. Neither my wife nor I believe that these texts were sent by him ("...or if they were, he was being told what to say," said my wife last night).
I imagine that I'm my wife. What would I do?
Well, I'm not supposed to speak poorly of his father, so I can't tell him not to listen to his father because he's manipulative and abusive. I can't prove abuse because, when asked, the 13-year-old will say what the father tells him to say because he's afraid of "the fallout" (his words, describing what would happen if the 13-year-old were to leave the father's house to sit inside a vehicle his mother was test driving and thinking about buying, and wanted to see if her very tall 13-year-old son would fit comfortably in it... causing the 13-year-old to lie and tell us he wasn't at home and couldn't come sit in the car... because he didn't want to deal with "the fallout" from his father "and stepmother", who was also telling him to ignore the texts and not go outside to his mother).
He doesn't see this as a problem, as he's doing what his parent tells him to do, which is what he's supposed to do.
My initial response seems really, really incorrect: I would let him go. I wouldn't fight anything at all. And in doing so, I would most certainly lose my son to his father who wants nothing more than to forget I exist, paint me as a horrible person and mother, and make everyone hate me as much as he does.
[side note: my wife's mother came over recently to bring gifts from her trip to Colorado. Her boyfriend stayed in the car as she made multiple trips into the house with food. This is the same boyfriend who sprained my wife's wrist and elbow the first time he met her by shaking her hand violently. He applied the same pressure to my arm and hand, and I squeezed back, which is probably the main reason I didn't sustain injury. He was obviously hostile to us when he met us. This kind of behavior is typical for my wife's family. Her ex-husband has said something which makes everybody hate us prior to having met us. Whatever gets said also makes people not want to talk with us, check out the veracity of the stories they've been told, or watch how we behave so that they might check to see if we're as horrible as we're being painted to be. What in the world is being said to turn all those people against us? And can you imagine how it tinges our attitude when we're introduced to somebody new who might know my wife's mother and who might already have a heated, hateful opinion of us without knowing it's us? Really, really makes us not want to meet anyone new around this part of the world.]
How am I supposed to be a mother to my son when he's doing what his father is telling him to do, which is cut out his mother from his life? Am I supposed to punish him for being obedient to his father? I can't rightly tell him to simply ignore his father. And there are moments when he says things like, "I don't like how mean dad is to you." He also noticed when his stepmother and aunt stood up and shouted at mother and stepfather at a football game, and he didn't know why they had behaved in such an embarrassing way. Those moments make me feel like he sees what's going on. But with his father limiting contact with mother, father and stepmother can say anything they want and present it as truth, because there's nothing else to go on.
And, now back to being me, I get uptight. I feel myself get angry. Last night, as this texting was going on, I kept suggesting to my wife that she tell him that they would talk about it when he came home. She didn't want to do that, because she wanted to end it then and not think about it. It didn't take her long to realize it wasn't going to end and she wasn't going to be able to not think about it, and she told him that they would talk about it when he arrived. In my head, that would help for several reasons. Texting is a really imperfect way of communicating. In stressful situations, texting doesn't help anyone or anything. Plus, the main reason, if our 13-year-old is being coerced or his texts weren't being sent by him, talking about it when he arrived would alleviate this issue entirely.
And there's a part of me that wants to put this into the Parenting Teenagers category. But it's different. Parenting Teenagers is tough. Parenting Teenagers who do what their abusive, manipulative father tells them to do is dangerous.
I am just like my wife.
I want it to stop.
I remember when I was taking swimming lessons, and we would be forced to swim long distances, followed by treading water. It was exhausting, and there were times when I didn't think I could go on without resting. There was absolutely no resting. It was constant movement, expenditure of energy, and my body was crying out for some kind of break. I feel and have felt the same way with this situation. For a week, about, my wife and I have been resting. Recovering. And we believe we will need A LOT of recovery time. But then it starts up even before the 13-year-old arrives, and the tension returns, and we both start treading water.
Treading Water.
Good analogy.
We're not going anywhere. We're not doing anything.
But we have to keep expending energy just to stay above water.
Meanwhile, just about everyone around us is trying to push us under.
Absolutely exhausting.
Fuck everything now.
And now my wife is texting me, asking me if I'm okay.
I'm ignoring it, because if I answer, I will tell her I'm not okay.
And I don't want to tell her about this.
She doesn't need to deal with me and her son and her ex-husband.
It will make her tense and angry and mad and stupid.
Just like me.
Fuck.
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