I am angry most of the time.
I have become better at covering it up, though.
The people I'm around have grown tired of me and my anger.
So I don't show them who I am most of the time.
I am angry at the Abuser.
I am angry at what he did, how he did it, how he continues to do it.
I am angry that his Son makes him more powerful by not saying anything.
"Well, dad says it's mandatory, so...."
I am angry at his Son for making his life, my wife's life, my life, my mother and step-father's lives harder for not speaking up, for lying in an attempt not to rock the boat, to avoid conflict which ultimately created more conflict.
I am angry that he didn't deal with problems while they were small enough to be dealt with.
I am angry at the Step, who supports Abuser, aids in abusing Son, and continues to help make my life, my wife's life, my mother and step-father's lives harder.
I am angry at Court, Lawyers, and Advisers who supported and fought for Abuser, many of whom said they were fighting for my wife but didn't.
I am angry that this is just accepted.
I am so very, very, very angry at myself for being angry about this still.
I am angry about the choices I made as a child that I see reflected in my son's choices.
I am angry that I hurt people.
I am angry that I was stupid.
I am angry that I was selfish.
I am angry that I will never be able to fix any of it. Ever.
I am angry that I will never be able to go back and undo it.
I am angry that I cannot say I'm Sorry enough to make up for all my foolishness.
I am angry that I cannot help my wife not be abused.
I am angry that I cannot help my wife become stronger to sustain more abuse.
I am angry that I cannot build a fortress around my wife to protect her from abuse.
I am angry that I cannot separate my wife from everyone to protect her from abuse.
I am angry that I cannot protect my wife.
I am angry that my wife needs to be protected from anything.
I am so very angry that my wife hurts. Ever.
I am so very angry that my mother hurts. Ever.
I am so very angry that I cause my wife and mother to hurt. Ever.
I am so very, very, very angry about all of this.
I am angry that I have been a burden and not a buoy.
I am angry that we do not have an infinite supply of energy.
I am angry that we all just accept things and have stopped fighting for what is right because of our lack of energy, or because we have spent our energy paychecks, spent our energy savings, and have no more plasma to sell for just a wee bit more energy.
I am angry that we are tapped.
I am angry at all the people who do things wrong on purpose because they know that people will become fatigued and cannot fight everything, so they must slip through the cracks somewhere.
"It's far too expensive to pay for your health care, so we would like to propose a middle-man system for paying for health care called Health Insurance." You have never heard of a system where a middle-man was involved and the price was reduced, because price is never reduced when you add people, services, or middle-men. Never. Period. Even if you cloak it in the The More People Pay Into The System argument. Middle-Men still make it more expensive.
I am angry that we do things for money.
I am angry that we do not work for the things we actually need. You don't just get food. You get a job to get money to get food. I would rather work to climb a tree to get food than to sell somebody a clock radio in order to get a paycheck to buy a Hot Pocket.
I am angry that those who fought to get money out of our politics were silenced because they couldn't afford to pay for it.
I am angry that those public parks were paid for by 100% of us but only 1% of us can dictate who can practice their First Amendment Rights in them.
I am angry that there are people who believe they are part of the 1% who can't afford to pay their cell phone bills.
I am angry that a corporation makes a billion dollars, while a man makes a dollar, a woman makes half that, and an immigrant makes five cents until somebody throws him out of the country for taking all the job money away from everyone else.
I am angry that the definition of what is good and what is bad have changed impossibly since I was taught their meaning.
I am angry that good now means profits, investments, payoffs, dividends, agendas, partnerships, and Strongly Held Personal Beliefs.
I am angry that bad now means poor, immigrant, poverty, child, teenager, abused, molested, raped, woman, girl, black, Hispanic, urban, inner-city, progressive, enlightened, liberal, educated, disabled, sick.
I am angry that good is a gun.
I am angry that bad is being the victim of that gun.
I am angry that good is putting more guns into the system which makes you bad if you're the family of a victim of those guns who wants to make sure no more people are killed by that goodness.
I am angry that we cower from those who bark loudly about there being no other way to protect and serve our citizens than with a weapon.
I am angry that the voices of those who explain and teach about how we can live without weapons are the first to be silenced with those weapons.
I am angry that those who wield the weapons cannot wield their brains and words as well.
I am angry that forgotten are the voices of the mothers who cry for their dead babies, drowned out by the cries of the paranoid and delusional who scream about 2nd Amendment Rights.
I am angry that those who fight strongest for our 2nd Amendment Rights completely ignore those who were stripped of their Right To Life by the people who fight strongest for our 2nd Amendment Rights and not our Right To Life.
I am angry at those who get offended by my words because they feel attacked.
I am angry that they see the world as a war ground rather than living room and insist I live there with them.
I am angry at those who kill others unjustly.
I am angry that people support these actions.
I am angry that we don't recognize the difference between supporting a person and helping them make a better choice. I support my kid, but when he fails a test in school because he didn't study I don't loudly proclaim that he has done the best he can because that doesn't help him. I support my kid by helping him make better choices in the future without lying to him and telling him what he did was okay.
I am angry that the Right To Life movement doesn't consider the mother's right to life.
I am angry that residents of Denton, TX voted to ban fracking within their city, and then Big Oil helped create a law that banned the banning of fracking.
I am angry that the residents of Texas are all about local government control until the residents of Denton, Texas try to maintain local government control.
I am angry that more people don't recognize the connection between need and fear and advertising and money. Advertisements make you believe something that's not real, that you "need" something, by making you afraid, which makes you give them your money. It doesn't make you safer because there was nothing you needed in the first place, and there was no reason to be afraid except that somebody wanted to take your money.
I am angry that the act of making love is vilified while the act of making war gets a parade.
I am angry that Original Sin was sex and not Cain's murder of Abel.
I am angry that people quote the Bible to admonish homosexuality but they do not admonish anything else that Leviticus says is an abomination, like getting your haircut, eating crab, menstruating, wearing clothes made from different fabrics, or playing football on Sunday.
I am angry that there are people who are willing to kill because they believe the Bible is the actual word of God but they can't tell me which version of the Bible contains God's actual words.
I am angry that all the different religions teach different things and no matter what I believe, at most only one will tell me I'm right while everyone else will condemn me to hell.
I am angry at bullies who push people down.
I am angry at teachers who don't correct that behavior.
I am angry that we are all so dumb.
I am angry that we do not think.
I am angry, angry, angry.
That's my secret, Captain: I'm always angry.
That's right, Bruce. So Am I.
Thursday, June 4, 2015
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