We're Really Moving... Aren't We?

Last night I was talking with my 18-year-old.  He said he wished he could make video games.  I told him that I wished he could, too.  I told him I wished I could, and that I was looking into going to school to see about doing that.

"Why?" he asked with a tone that clearly said I Can't Think Of Anything I Would Enjoy Less Than Going To School For Any Reason Ever.
"Because," I explained, "I don't like my current job.  I can't support our family right now being an actor here.  I can't support our family being an actor in Oregon.  So my choice is to continue doing what I hate doing in order to support our family, or try to find something else I might enjoy more.  Doing something computer related seems like it might be a good option, as it's something I could do here while we're still living here, and it should transfer well to something I could do in Oregon when we move there.  I'm planning ahead for our move.  And it's not for five years, but I need to take steps now in order to do what I'd like to do in the future."
His face got... something.  Surprised?  Shocked?  Scared?  Some other word that starts with "S"?
"We're really moving, aren't we?" he asked, still with that look on his face.
"That's what I'm planning on.  Now, it's not for five years yet, and a lot can happen in five years.  Making sure that my parents are well cared for is really the only thing I can think of right now that might prevent me from moving, but other than that, I don't see anything right now that would stop me from moving.  But, as I said, it's five years away and a lot can happen in five years."
He was still looking at me, not blinking.  It was odd.
"Does that scare you?" I asked.
"Scare me?  No.  I don't think so."  He wiped his eyes, and I was still having a hard time understanding what he was going through.  He continued.  "I guess it's hard for me to imagine things happening.  I guess I'm still used to when I lived at [my father's] house.  A lot of things were said but none of them happened."

My 18-year-old has taken to calling his father by his father's first name in a conscious effort to separate himself.  He is able to think about his time with his father, while it is painful, but it's still too painful for him to think about actually being related to the man.  He doesn't get the title of father.  He gets his first name.

I don't understand fully what it was like over there, for my wife or her boys.  I've heard them often speak about how things would be said and never happen, and I saw how traumatized they were and, to some degree, continue to be.  But the things that I was told about were things like going to see the Batman movies.  [Father] would say that he was going to take the boys to see Batman, because Batman was his favorite super hero.  This was a big enough deal for both boys to say that they didn't want to see the Batman movies without their [Father], because he would be upset if they went to see the movies without him.  My wife even said that she didn't want to take the boys to see Batman because she knew it was something [Father] wanted to do with the boys.  But Batman came and left the theatre, and the boys didn't see it.  It was released on video, and still there were no plans to see it.  The boys' patience was worn out, and they didn't understand why their father wouldn't take them to Batman and why their mother and I were not allowing them to see Batman.  Obviously, they ultimately said to us, if he wanted to take us to Batman, he would have taken us to see Batman.  So finally, we purchased The Dark Knight, and we watched it with the boys.  And [Father] got upset with me, my wife, and the boys. 

And that's the first story that comes to mind when I think about Things Being Said That Didn't Happen At [Father's] House: the boys didn't see Batman in the theatre.

When you tell somebody else that story, even when I read it, it's hardly cause for alarm.  Fathers have been not taking their children to movies long before Harry Chapin recorded the 1974 Dead Beat Dad Anthem "Cat's In The Cradle", and while it's disappointing, it shouldn't be cause for trauma, unless something else happened.  There shouldn't be trauma unless [Father] getting upset means something other than what I think of, and what I'm guessing is most of the rest of the world thinks of, as "getting upset", where one or all of the following happens:
eyes are cast downward
face mildly crinkles with pained expression
no harsher words than "damn" are expressed, as in, "You saw the movie without me?  Damn."
[Father] goes to bed without supper

These are the most severe actions that are expressed when I hear the words "get upset", and when you say "Dad got upset," I think of these actions as the most that could happen. 

I've heard everyone talk of "interrogations" that happened over there, where their father would separate them and then question them repeatedly for extended periods of time, 10-45 minutes depending on the subject matter.  I'm certain that interrogations happened over the Batman incident, because I know that interrogations happened when they returned from spending any kind of time with their mother.  The boys spent the week with their mother, and when they returned to [Father], one boy was called into his office and blocked from leaving the room.  What did you do over there?  Did your mother force you to do that?  Why didn't you do this thing?  It's not appropriate for your mother to not have you do that thing that you didn't do.  What else is she doing that's not appropriate?  What did you eat?  Why didn't you eat at this specific time?  Why did you listen to this specific music?  What were you thinking?  Why are you behaving so poorly?  Why aren't you better?  What's wrong with you?  What are you doing to yourself?  Do you know how your actions are making me look?  Do you realize that when you screw up it reflects poorly on me?  I won't allow that to happen. 

It's difficult to understand, because so much of it is outside the realm of reality for most of us.  And why, you ask, did the mother and boys put up with this?  They didn't.  They asked for help.  Mother asked for help from her mother, who later told the boys' attorney that she felt [Father] was a better parent than her own daughter.  Mother asked attorneys for help, and was told that she was a hippy, that she was involved in a "Kramer vs. Kramer" case, where she left and then decided that she didn't want to be without her boys which is entirely not true.  She told attorneys that interrogations go on, that harassment goes on, and they said that she couldn't prove harassment.  She brought audio recordings of the harassment, and nobody used them in court.  She tried to get a job to afford attorneys, and, oddly, no full-time employment was to be found for a 12-year former stay-at-home mother without a college degree, and almost not part-time employment was to be found.  People she once considered friends stopped returning her calls, so she couldn't even talk to somebody about her situation.  She was abandoned, almost entirely.  And the only people who stood by her, me and my family, were unable to make attorneys listen to her, understand her trauma, fight for her and for the boys.  We were unable to do much of anything except watch her and the boys, repeatedly, get turned away.  And the youngest was so traumatized that he refuses to stand up for himself to this day.  When he heard about how North Korea had hacked into Sony Pictures in an attempt to stop the release of The Interview, he said that the best thing for them to do was to go along with the demands of the bullies (North Korea) until they could get away and make their own decisions.  The talk we had about this incident mirrored so much of his life it was hard for me to talk about it without seeing Sony Pictures as him and North Korea as [Father].  And I hope that he is able to recognize that Sony Pictures had support from The President, and with that support, as well as the support of millions more, Sony Pictures went ahead with the release of their film, despite the actions of the bullies/terrorists, and everything turned out okay.  But it's probably difficult for him to see that everything could turn out okay when his mother, brother, and step-father are still being bullied by his North Korea, so it's still in his best interest to keep doing what North Korea wants until he can make his own decisions.  Fuck, I got lost.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, it's hard to get people to understand what the hell is going on with this guy, because it's not rational.  And at our attorney's rate of $350 an hour, it's difficult to make the story affordable.

I hope our family can move.  I hope my son can face his insecurities and take that step with me into a world where his father definitely can't touch him.  I hope my wife can face her insecurities and take that step with me into a world where she is more than capable of holding a job, of being important to others, of being respected, love, appreciated for exactly who she is, faults and all, without trauma.  I hope that I can make enough money to pay for rent for these two people and me so that we can live in a place where we all can be comfortable.  I hope my parents will move with us, because I like spending time with them, and it would be difficult to take care of them if I'm two time zones away from them. 

I hope software developer and engineer is a something I enjoy.
I hope I can go through school quickly.
I hope I can make a lot of money doing that job here and in Oregon.
I hope I can pay for the school that I will enjoy and will challenge me.

Interesting. 
When I wrote "challenge me", it made me think of my son.
He's said that he doesn't like to be challenged in video games, because he plays for enjoyment.
From that, I can assume that challenges aren't enjoyable to him.
I watched him play a game yesterday.  His team of good guys were killing bad guys.  His team started with 200 people, as did the bad guys.  When he was only 10 guys ahead of the bad guys, he didn't like it.  When he was over 100 guys ahead, he said, "Now it's becoming a game I enjoy where the odds are in my favor."
Something else I hope is that my son will know he can face challenges and find success, even in his perceived failure, and that challenges won't prevent him from taking actions that will ultimately make his life better.  I hope my wife, her son, and me can find challenges exciting in the coming years, because we know those challenges won't defeat us. 

...I feel like I got lost again.  What the fuck was I saying?

Oh.  I'd like to move to Oregon in five years with my family.  The End.