Request for Prayers

Dear God,

I work for Social Security and I just received an email requesting I pray for a former co-worker who is undergoing heart surgery as a precursor to heart surgery he is going to undergo next week. 

I never knew this man, nor did I know his heart. 

I do, however, know, and continue to know, the woman who sent the email.  She's not a bad person.  I've certainly met worse.  But, at most, she's a work acquaintance. 

This rather informal email request for me to address the Almighty (or do you prefer "All Mighty"?  I mean, I know almighty comes from all mighty, but I'm just wondering if you've got a preference.  I mean, I know English is a fairly new language, and since you've existed since before time began, one would think anything I could come up with to call you is a pretty new name.  I should research how to type out your hieroglyphic name, seeing as that was probably what you first became accustomed to us calling you.  Anywho, I digress...), in regards to a man I don't know, who has a heart I've never seen, touched, heard, smelled, or tasted, from a woman who doesn't laugh at my good jokes but laughs at my Work Anecdotes Which Aren't Funny But Office People Think Are Hysterical (I'm looking at you, Dilbert), touched me.  Touched me enough to reach out to you.

Before I go any further, please let me know if I should address this to some other form of You.  I thought about addressing this "Dear Jesus", but realized that I was unfamiliar with the hierarchy in heaven.  Which member of the trinity answers prayers?  I know that "lies make baby Jesus cry", but this isn't a lie, it's a prayer.  I also know that, at prom, I need to "make room for Jesus", which I always thought was akin to "there's always room for Jell-O", and since I'm pretty much always hungry, I never thought twice about making room for Jesus, as I was certain I would be able to eat him if asked.  Also, if you're Catholic, this whole prayer thing is pointless, as only a priest can talk with you... which is odd that they make their followers say prayers to you as penance for their sins after confession.  If you're Jewish, as Jesus was, you don't believe in Jesus, as Jesus didn't.  Or if you do believe in Jesus, you didn't really come from a Jewish woman's vagina, as this is the only requirement for being a Jewish person... which, obviously, you're not a person, so you can't be Jewish.  But your son is... so what do you do at Christmas?  Menorah or Christmas tree in December for you guys?  Do you even know what December is?  Do you care?  Do you have a calendar or a date book?  Does Jesus just believe in the Old Testament, like the Jews do, or does he also believe in the New Testament which is the story of his life, as the Jews don't?  And why are we supposed to think the New Testament is actual facts about Jesus, seeing as it was written by nobody who actually knew him, saw him, or had any contact with him, and was written about him over 70 years after he had died by people who hadn't been around 70 years.  And if you celebrate Kwanza... where do you purchase gifts?  I mean, I know it's a celebration of fertility and all, kinda like the pagans and the winter solstice and all of that, but do you, like, want an iPod or a bunch of seeds as a gift?  Or do you want me to slaughter a lamb?  Or Isaac, my only son?  Am I gonna get in trouble for wearing a Santa hat?  And what's the deal with chocolate bunnies to celebrate the rising of Jesus from the dead?  Do chocolate bunnies rise from anything?  And if you're so powerful, why didn't you just open the kingdom of Heaven for us so we could get in instead of allowing your son to be murdered, I mean, since you love the world so much to give us your only begotten son.  And does that mean you have unbegotten sons?  Did you get a vasectomy, and that's how you know you won't have any more begotten sons?  And how, specifically, did you impregnate Mary, seeing as you have no penis, no vas deferens or the plural vasa deferentia, no testes, no spermatozoa?  Look, why don't we do this... if I'm supposed to send a prayer to somebody else, just strike me dead.  No?  Nothing?  Good.  I'll continue.

As I mentioned, there's a dude who wants a prayer.  He's going through a hard time and wants support.  Personally, I would want people to actually support me, you know, like, bring me food that isn't hospital food, tell me jokes, bring in their babies and dogs and crap.  But I guess this guy doesn't like babies or food or whatever and has asked that I support him (even though he probably knows me even less than I know him, 'cause, you know... old people...) by praying to you.  Actually, he has asked a woman, who sent an email which asked me to pray to you to support this man.

So...

Prayer.

Is that what you need?
How many of these do you need before you will spare this man's life?
If you don't get the full amount of prayers you need, will you save him after his first surgery, but kill him after his second?
Will you blame us for not giving you enough prayers to make his heart good again?
Will you take out your blame on us?  'Cause, honestly, I don't really need any more shit in my life right now.  Just lettin' you know, I'm done with shit for a while.  So if you're gonna blame me for not praying enough or hard enough or whatever unknown measure you're using to quantify Prayer, just kill me.  I'd rather you kill me than dangle something over my head for all eternity.
Is there something I can do to make my prayer more meaningful?  Like adding sugar to a recipe makes the resulting food richer, is there something I can add like blood or snacks that will make my prayer more potent to you?
Speaking of snacks, do you have a favorite snack food?  'Cause you're gonna get some extra work because this guy ate too much butter and now needs heart surgeries and asked that this chick at work here send out an email asking for people to contact you... and I just figured, hey, while you're reading prayers, maybe a Pringle would be nice... and what kind of Pringle does god like best?  Honey Mustard?  That's my favorite, personally.  Honey Mustard.  The Xtreme Pickle flavor is really good, too, even though it's a little intense.  Hey, I'll just get a couple of both so you don't have to choose.  Unless you tell me something else.  No?  Nothing?  All right, I'll get a couple of both.  But not until Monday.  I don't get paid until Monday and we're reeeeeealy short on cash right now.
Hey, how far is your commute?  Do you get up, get out of bed, shower, go downstairs and blam, you're at work?  I mean, I know you have to rest, because "on the seventh day, [you] rested", which means you get tired.  Which is weird, cuz you're supposed to be all powerful... which kinda implies that you wouldn't get tired.  Maybe you just don't know your own strength.
Are you seeing anyone right now?  I'm not asking for me, cuz I don't swing that way.  And I'm assuming you don't swing that way, too, because of all the nuns who are married to you.  Or are they married to Jesus?  Or both of you?  You really gotta come and clear that up, because we're going through this whole Let's Let Gay People Get Married Or Not thing here, which is really causing quite the row, and everybody who doesn't want to let gay people get married are invoking your name.  Personally, I think it's rude to talk for somebody, especially when that somebody hasn't weighed in at all.  But the Mormons don't want to let gays get married because, if they do, it will destroy Heaven, which, apparently to them, is populated by men Angels having sex with women.  And if we let gay people get married, then men angels in Heaven won't be able to populate anymore... because being gay is so awesome that EVERYONE will become gay and all the straight men Angels will go wanting, I guess.  I'm not sure how that works for them.  I would guess that, since their Heaven is populated by heterosexuals, maybe all they really need to do is excommunicate the homosexuals from their church, allowing those non-Mormon gays to get married while maintaining an entirely straight congregation, and allowing all others to go to Hell.  I guess.  I mean, that's what I'd do if I were in charge of the Mormons.  You, hey, you might have a different plan.  And if you're a Mormon, you might think about my plan, seeing as it allows people to do what they want (like not be Mormon), while maintaining your core values (celestial Man-Angel dick-poon sex).

Anywho, I think I've done my share for people I don't know who might die soon.

Prayer.

There's another one.  Just in case my last one put him over the top and he get a new set of steak knives now or something.

Toodles, yo.

Sincerely,
me