On Being A Parent

Just read something about Ryan Andresen, who was approved to receive his Eagle Scout award from the Boy Scouts of America, then was denied the recognition because he’s openly gay, and the Boy Scouts have a no-gay policy. What I read struck me, not because Ryan is gay, or that the Boy Scouts denied his Eagle Scout achievement simply because of this, because of what Ryan’s parents did. His mother sent a letter and called some news organizations to make sure that people knew about what was going on. Ryan’s father stood by his son and gave his words of support for his son when interviewed.




And what really struck me was this question: Would I be reading about this if Ryan’s parents had abandoned him?



If your folks support you, you automatically have a group, and you’re all pointing your focus in one direction. In Ryan’s case, he focused on Eagle Scout, and then was supported by two more people who brought a lot more attention to his case.



I wonder, had Ryan’s parents not supported him like they did, would we even know about Ryan’s case. I’d like to think we would. But just recently I discovered that there had been another public shooting in Portland, OR, that I didn’t know about, and I try to stay pretty informed and our country is hypersensitive to gun violence these days, and this most recent shooting—more recent than Newtown—had slipped by me (and most news outlets, it would seem, too). Would Ryan’s discrimination story have also slipped by had his parents not drummed up some noise in support of their son? I’m guessing that it would have been really tough for me to hear about Ryan without his parents. And without his parents, I would have stayed ignorant. His parents helped a lot of people, gay and straight. And, most importantly, Ryan’s parents helped Ryan.



And all of these thoughts ran through my head in seconds. It took me much longer to put words to those thoughts so I could share them here with you. And in those seconds, I thought about my wife’s parents. In her story, my wife’s parents didn’t come out and vocally support her, they didn’t even keep quiet and say nothing. They were vocal against her, in opposition to her. For no reason. My wife isn’t gay, she hasn’t broken any laws, is a great mother, a beautiful person, the best wife and best friend I could ever hope for. She’s respectful, kind, funny, intelligent, thoughtful, caring, loving, talented, compassionate. She has the best heart of anyone I’ve ever met. Yes, I’m biased in favor of my soul mate. And part of your job as somebody’s parent is to be biased in favor of your child. It’s part of the job.



What would I be reading about if Ryan’s parents rallied their friends at his home or church to publicly ridicule Ryan’s “choice”, and try to cure him with judgment, shame, and boot camps to cure the disease of his homosexuality?



I didn’t read anything about how a local church publicly ridiculed one of its parishioners, stripping the church member of her status and job with the church. I didn’t read anything about when they all turned their backs on her when she got divorced from an abusive husband. I didn’t read anything about when they supported the attacks of this abusive ex-husband and father of two as he continued to abuse her and her children. This was my wife. This is my wife. And I get so furious about it, mostly because I can’t fix it.



And almost as soon as those thoughts go through my head, I feel the unconditional support of my mother and stepfather. And I feel so lucky that I felt supported in my life, even when I stupidly decided not to live with my mother anymore. She didn’t stop. My stepfather didn’t stop. And they never have. And they continue to support my stupidity, intelligence, silliness, depression, schizophrenia, and everything else. They make me happy and angry. They are my family. They have worked through the transitions of being a family by marriage, being in-laws, being step-grandparents. They have dropped all those stupid technical words that create distance, and have made it a priority to make sure that we are one, simple FAMILY. And they support. And they support my wife. And this helps so, so, so very much. They help us both when we’re dealing with all of it. And while they cannot replace the emptiness and hurt that my wife feels when she thinks about her parents rejecting her repeatedly and supporting those who continue to try to hurt her and her children, they provide shoulders to cry on, and smiling faces and comforting, helpful, and supportive words and deeds that are appreciated beyond measure. They are the example to be followed.



Ryan Andresen is incredibly fortunate to have the parents he has. I know.