bad memories

having a hard time with negative memories today

a man yells in my face because he said something on a public stage.  he agreed that what he said should be written on the wall.  a friend of his got hurt because he read what the man said.  the man yells in my face because he said something on a public stage and his friend was hurt.  i stand there and let him yell at me, sticking his nose in my face.  screaming.  i was certain i was going to get punched.  many years later, that man sent me a facebook message.  "let's make up."  i don't believe i have anything to make up to anyone, other than taking responsibility for writing what someone else said on the wall.  whatever the case, the man is hurt and his friend is hurt.  i don't like it when people are hurt.  and there was a lot of anger pointed at me.  that makes me feel like i've done something wrong.

nobody in my cast stood up for me.  nobody in my cast told me about the incident.  they all denied that they had anything to do with the incident, even though they all had something to do with the incident.  i feel badly that all those people have prooven themselves to be fairweather friends.  not particularly loyal.  i wish they were.  it makes me sad that some of them i was friends with for over 10 years, and now we don't speak at all. 

i lived in that state for over ten years.  i speak to only one person from that state on any kind of regular basis.  i have had a handful of conversations with the rest of the folks from there since i moved away about five years ago.  that's one person each year.  that makes me sad. 

what kind of asshole am i that i leave a state with only one friend after being there for over ten years?  i feel like a really big asshole.  not deserving of any real kindness.  not deserving of friends.  cuz even though i don't believe i did anything wrong, i do believe that the people i once thought were my friends turned out to be something different than what i thought they were.

somebody yells at me means i did something wrong
somebody turns their back on me means i wasn't worthy
somebody doesn't want to be my friend means i am shitty
facebook people hurt by the election indirectly accuse me of lacking morals and integrity because i want to see the nation turn into hell.  that means i'm a horrible person, cuz i want to nation to be a horrible place for everybody

i can intellecutalize a lot of this away.
but my feelings aren't intellectual.
it hurts.