How Did You Sleep?

I could've answered her this morning.

She typically asks me this question when we wake up. "How did you sleep?" And I usually get a little frustrated with the question. I don't know how I slept. I was asleep. I don't remember how I slept. And then she explains that she's asking if I feel rested. I don't know. I'm just waking up. Of course I don't feel rested. I wanna go back to bed. I wanna snuggle with you. I don't want to be up. Do I feel rested? If I answer "no" can we go back to sleep?

She asks me these questions a lot. And we go through this same dance a lot. And I don't get, like, real real frustrated. I just want to have an answer for her, and I don't. I feel like I'm not doing it right because I don't have an answer for her. And I never remember that she's asking if I feel rested. Probably because I haven't really rested and so I'm still asleep, but she always explains herself calmly, as if she knows that I'm not upset with her. As if she knows about this dance, too.

Maybe she's just talking to me. We like to talk to each other. Maybe she's trying to find something to say first thing in the morning and has nothing else to say so she asks how I slept. Maybe she's asleep, too, and this is like a morning stretch for us: we go through this same thing in order to get our brains working. Maybe. I don't know.

But through my frustration, I like it. I like that she's talking to me. I like that she's snuggling up next to me. Sometimes, she asks me right in my ear so that I can feel her hot breath on my neck. I like feeling her that close to me. I like feeling her arm over me. Her feet tucked into my knee pits. I like her. More than I've liked anyone else. Ever. She was made for me.

But she didn't ask me today. "How did you sleep," did not come out of her mouth.

Because she was asleep herself. And I had to gently pet her head and kiss her chin before she took that deep breath in that signals her rising.

Had she asked me, "how did you sleep," I could have answered her today: like shit. I woke up several times during the night and looked at the clock with tired eyes that shouldn't be looking at a synthetic green-blue digital readout that's trying really hard to be welcoming and soothing but falls short of the mark. I couldn't find a good snuggle with her last night. And I woke up with aches and pains like I'm a geriatric. I had a hard time walking this morning. I felt like a large dude whacked me with a rubber mallet over and over again. All over. I feel awful.

I'm kinda glad she didn't ask me this morning. I wouldn't have had a good answer for her. And I only want to give her good things. Good answers. Good kisses. Good feelings. Good things.

Yeah, yeah, I know that I can't always give her good things, you Contradictory Asshole. I know that life is good AND bad. It's not like I was born yesterday and I certainly don't need you jumping in and giving advice which is not asked for and beside the point.

The point is, I WANT something, and that something is to give my wife the best of the world that I can give her. And today, my world wasn't very good, and had she asked about my world, it wouldn't have been very good.

Instead of asking the question, she groggily put her arms around my neck, and sleepily returned the kisses I flitted on her face. And she told me she loved me.

And some days that's all I really need. I'm so glad to have my wife in my life. It's the best thing ever.