Dr. C: I'm looking at a claimant right now, she's five foot three, three hundred and fifty pounds.
Dr. A: Wow... she's a large... she's built to withstand a storm, huh?
Dr. C: Yeah, she's built to withstand an F5.
Dr. Midas: No. She's built... you know that bridge, those bridges, the bridge they're putting in?... she's built like... she could be a support.
These are doctors talking about a person who has applied for disability.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Actual conversation just now...
Dr. Midas (calling over his cubicle walls so that Bicky, and the rest of the office, can hear): if you feel good, then you've lost touch with reality.
Bicky (slowly, each word carefully placed, as if he wasn't sure about what he was saying): that is to say that you imagine that I was touch with reality, am, to begin with.
Dr. Midas (very quickly): okay. You're right.
...where in the fuck am I...?
Bicky (slowly, each word carefully placed, as if he wasn't sure about what he was saying): that is to say that you imagine that I was touch with reality, am, to begin with.
Dr. Midas (very quickly): okay. You're right.
...where in the fuck am I...?
Best And...
In improvisation, we work with the concept of "Yes, and...". Essentially, this is a phrase that improvisers say often to incorporate the ideas of acceptance and then adding a piece of yourself to the established circumstances. The word "yes" is a quick way to accept the given, which is essential when working with others, and the word "and" is a quick way to make room for what you have to add. It could look something like this.
1: I am your father.
2: Yes, and you have a hat on.
1: Yes, and you gave me this hat for by bar mitzvah.
2: Yes, and I want to talk with you about being Jewish.
This scene was built pretty effortlessly because both players accepted what had come before-- the given circumstances-- and then added their own ideas to what had already been established. This is a scene, we know who the players are (father and offspring), we know at least the father is Jewish and has a hat that was gifted to him by his child on the Jewish holiday celebrating a boy's religious rite of passage into manhood... which, to me, has comic potential, if it isn't already funny. How many 13-year-olds are gifted hats by their children?
One of the key concepts I used when teaching improvisation was that every answer you gave was correct. Every one. There wasn't a wrong way to add to the scene, so no matter how you added something to the mix, you were right. The only thing you could do that would be considered wrong, in my classes, was to not play with your partner at all, not add anything. That would be the antithesis of what I was teaching.
I really, really enjoyed improvisation, and I enjoyed the concepts it presented. And at one time, I decided that, while every response to a given circumstance was correct, it was possible to happen across the Best response, the response that was the best according to the given circumstances. Since this came from Yes And, I deemed this concept the Best And. Some people latched on to the idea, thinking it was an amazing concept. I liked the concept, but wasn't blown away by it, because it's a passive concept in that it's not something you can actually apply to a situation but something you realize after the fact. In the moment, the most you can do with the concept of Best And is search for the best possible response, to know that it's there and look for it. But that moment is quick and fleeting, and it's rare that you will be able to find the Best And in that moment you're given to play, so really all you're left with is a concept of something that is out there and waiting for you, and you don't know what it is or where it is until you achieve it. Like trying to make a homerun in pitch blackness using only the light from your glow-in-the-dark ball. You know that a homerun is possible, but because you can't see the fence, you don't know how far to hit the ball, and the only time you know you've actually hit a homerun is when the light from your ball briefly illuminates the fence and you watch the ball sail over it and then you know you've achieved your goal. But it is something to keep swinging for. The Best And.
Recently, the Best And was brought back into my conciousness.
Along with everything else my family is dealing with.
And it made me wonder if there was an opposite of Best And.
The Best And is the best possible response when working towards a common goal with a partner.
The opposite of that would be the worst response when working against dissimilar goals with a partner.
Maybe it could be called the Worst Shut The Hell Up? Not very catchy. I'll keep working on it.
And yeah, I already have a player in mind... my wife's ex. He already works this way.
He has no common goals with anyone, unless somebody else's goal is to help him. Only then is there a common goal. Everything else is him against everyone.
My wife tells a story about how he's always been very controlling. The story is about how my wife and her then-husband were sitting in the backseat of a car, with her mother and father in the front. Her father asked her husband a simple, non-probing, non-threatening question, something like "what do you like most about your job?" And then-husband didn't respond. At all. And my wife says that it was pretty obvious that then-husband was upset by the question, as his face became very stern and red, but he refused to respond to the question in any way. And father tried to see if he had heard the question, and he didn't respond. And father tried to see if there was something wrong, and he didn't respond. He sat in the backseat, motionless, voiceless, and refused to comment or say anything.
This just made me think of something. That was the behavior our youngest displayed when he was caught lying about his password on his phone and was then told, by his father, to say nothing to his mother. "Don't say anything, don't do anything, tell her nothing..." were the words I heard him say. And then our youngest sat silently in the backseat while we asked him questions. He, eventually, said things. But that behavior is very similar.
And it's always confused me immensly that ex would be so controlling over such petty issues, like "what do you like most about your job".
But then I was recently faced with this Buffalo Ranch issue.
A vacation was gifted from Wednesday to Sunday, and my wife asked for time to be added or shifted so our youngest could go on this vacation with us, and ex said no.
Then after attempts to communicate with him failed, somehow he got word that the vacation was going to be altered (because he had said "no") to Wednesday to Friday.
At which point, he said that there were mandatory activities during that time, and youngest wouldn't be able to go.
And that's the mentality I don't understand, but he lives with and, seemingly, always has.
Every little bit of information people have about you presents an opportunity for somebody else to control you.
He stopped the vacation by saying no the first time.
Then, when he realized the vacation was altered, he made adjustments to stop it a second time.
I have latched on to this memory.
It's confusing to me, but it makes me feel good.
My wife and I and both our kids arrived at our youngest's soccer game.
Ex came over and started berating my wife, in front of the boys, about how she had arrived late and because she had arrived late they had missed pictures and now youngest wouldn't have pictures of his soccer team. I saw wife in tears, and I approached her and asked what was wrong. Ex was still there as she repeated to me what he had said.
Immediately, I walked quickly towards the coach of the soccer team.
Ex immediately stopped berating my wife and started chasing after me, trying to say something, but they were just incoherent mumbles and attempts at words.
I got to the coach with ex beside me, and I asked if we were late, and he said no, we hadn't even taken the field yet. I asked if we had missed pictures, and he said no, they weren't scheduled for that day. I asked when they were scheduled, and he told me. I thanked him.
Then, with ex next to me, I yelled at my wife that we weren't late, we hadn't missed pictures, and everything was okay.
Ex walked off.
I have latched on to that memory mostly because it was a time when I quickly got ex away from abusing my wife and kids. I did something and he just stopped and was unable to do anything at all except mumble half-words.
It's confusing to me because I don't understand the mentality behind somebody who is terrified of What Is, or somebody who must control everything in such a negative and abusive way.
We hadn't missed anything, so he was lying in order to abuse.
If I'm going to lie about something, it's going to be for, like... financial reasons. I was in court once, where a judge was going through people who had been ticketed for driving without insurance. One after another, the people got up, the judge asked if they knew they were driving without insurance. The ones who said they knew they were driving without insurance had to pay a ticket for, like, $300. Those who said they didn't know they were driving without insurance had to pay a ticket for $200ish. Since I was driving without insurance because I didn't have the money to pay for insurance in the first place, it didn't take me long to make the decision that I was going to tell the judge that I didn't know I was driving without insurance and only pay $200. A lie got me a $100 discount.
But lying in order to abuse somebody?? That's really so far out of my realm of reality that I almost shut down. I don't know how to handle that. I'm not bent for abusing others in the first place, but making up reasons to engage in abuse is... beyond words...
So, yeah... Best And.
And it's antithesis... ... ... [no response]...
There's no catchy title for the No Response.
Probably because it's diseased.
I can't believe this actually is happening on this planet.
I feel so stupid that I can't believe it.
And I feel so confused.
1: I am your father.
2: Yes, and you have a hat on.
1: Yes, and you gave me this hat for by bar mitzvah.
2: Yes, and I want to talk with you about being Jewish.
This scene was built pretty effortlessly because both players accepted what had come before-- the given circumstances-- and then added their own ideas to what had already been established. This is a scene, we know who the players are (father and offspring), we know at least the father is Jewish and has a hat that was gifted to him by his child on the Jewish holiday celebrating a boy's religious rite of passage into manhood... which, to me, has comic potential, if it isn't already funny. How many 13-year-olds are gifted hats by their children?
One of the key concepts I used when teaching improvisation was that every answer you gave was correct. Every one. There wasn't a wrong way to add to the scene, so no matter how you added something to the mix, you were right. The only thing you could do that would be considered wrong, in my classes, was to not play with your partner at all, not add anything. That would be the antithesis of what I was teaching.
I really, really enjoyed improvisation, and I enjoyed the concepts it presented. And at one time, I decided that, while every response to a given circumstance was correct, it was possible to happen across the Best response, the response that was the best according to the given circumstances. Since this came from Yes And, I deemed this concept the Best And. Some people latched on to the idea, thinking it was an amazing concept. I liked the concept, but wasn't blown away by it, because it's a passive concept in that it's not something you can actually apply to a situation but something you realize after the fact. In the moment, the most you can do with the concept of Best And is search for the best possible response, to know that it's there and look for it. But that moment is quick and fleeting, and it's rare that you will be able to find the Best And in that moment you're given to play, so really all you're left with is a concept of something that is out there and waiting for you, and you don't know what it is or where it is until you achieve it. Like trying to make a homerun in pitch blackness using only the light from your glow-in-the-dark ball. You know that a homerun is possible, but because you can't see the fence, you don't know how far to hit the ball, and the only time you know you've actually hit a homerun is when the light from your ball briefly illuminates the fence and you watch the ball sail over it and then you know you've achieved your goal. But it is something to keep swinging for. The Best And.
Recently, the Best And was brought back into my conciousness.
Along with everything else my family is dealing with.
And it made me wonder if there was an opposite of Best And.
The Best And is the best possible response when working towards a common goal with a partner.
The opposite of that would be the worst response when working against dissimilar goals with a partner.
Maybe it could be called the Worst Shut The Hell Up? Not very catchy. I'll keep working on it.
And yeah, I already have a player in mind... my wife's ex. He already works this way.
He has no common goals with anyone, unless somebody else's goal is to help him. Only then is there a common goal. Everything else is him against everyone.
My wife tells a story about how he's always been very controlling. The story is about how my wife and her then-husband were sitting in the backseat of a car, with her mother and father in the front. Her father asked her husband a simple, non-probing, non-threatening question, something like "what do you like most about your job?" And then-husband didn't respond. At all. And my wife says that it was pretty obvious that then-husband was upset by the question, as his face became very stern and red, but he refused to respond to the question in any way. And father tried to see if he had heard the question, and he didn't respond. And father tried to see if there was something wrong, and he didn't respond. He sat in the backseat, motionless, voiceless, and refused to comment or say anything.
This just made me think of something. That was the behavior our youngest displayed when he was caught lying about his password on his phone and was then told, by his father, to say nothing to his mother. "Don't say anything, don't do anything, tell her nothing..." were the words I heard him say. And then our youngest sat silently in the backseat while we asked him questions. He, eventually, said things. But that behavior is very similar.
And it's always confused me immensly that ex would be so controlling over such petty issues, like "what do you like most about your job".
But then I was recently faced with this Buffalo Ranch issue.
A vacation was gifted from Wednesday to Sunday, and my wife asked for time to be added or shifted so our youngest could go on this vacation with us, and ex said no.
Then after attempts to communicate with him failed, somehow he got word that the vacation was going to be altered (because he had said "no") to Wednesday to Friday.
At which point, he said that there were mandatory activities during that time, and youngest wouldn't be able to go.
And that's the mentality I don't understand, but he lives with and, seemingly, always has.
Every little bit of information people have about you presents an opportunity for somebody else to control you.
He stopped the vacation by saying no the first time.
Then, when he realized the vacation was altered, he made adjustments to stop it a second time.
I have latched on to this memory.
It's confusing to me, but it makes me feel good.
My wife and I and both our kids arrived at our youngest's soccer game.
Ex came over and started berating my wife, in front of the boys, about how she had arrived late and because she had arrived late they had missed pictures and now youngest wouldn't have pictures of his soccer team. I saw wife in tears, and I approached her and asked what was wrong. Ex was still there as she repeated to me what he had said.
Immediately, I walked quickly towards the coach of the soccer team.
Ex immediately stopped berating my wife and started chasing after me, trying to say something, but they were just incoherent mumbles and attempts at words.
I got to the coach with ex beside me, and I asked if we were late, and he said no, we hadn't even taken the field yet. I asked if we had missed pictures, and he said no, they weren't scheduled for that day. I asked when they were scheduled, and he told me. I thanked him.
Then, with ex next to me, I yelled at my wife that we weren't late, we hadn't missed pictures, and everything was okay.
Ex walked off.
I have latched on to that memory mostly because it was a time when I quickly got ex away from abusing my wife and kids. I did something and he just stopped and was unable to do anything at all except mumble half-words.
It's confusing to me because I don't understand the mentality behind somebody who is terrified of What Is, or somebody who must control everything in such a negative and abusive way.
We hadn't missed anything, so he was lying in order to abuse.
If I'm going to lie about something, it's going to be for, like... financial reasons. I was in court once, where a judge was going through people who had been ticketed for driving without insurance. One after another, the people got up, the judge asked if they knew they were driving without insurance. The ones who said they knew they were driving without insurance had to pay a ticket for, like, $300. Those who said they didn't know they were driving without insurance had to pay a ticket for $200ish. Since I was driving without insurance because I didn't have the money to pay for insurance in the first place, it didn't take me long to make the decision that I was going to tell the judge that I didn't know I was driving without insurance and only pay $200. A lie got me a $100 discount.
But lying in order to abuse somebody?? That's really so far out of my realm of reality that I almost shut down. I don't know how to handle that. I'm not bent for abusing others in the first place, but making up reasons to engage in abuse is... beyond words...
So, yeah... Best And.
And it's antithesis... ... ... [no response]...
There's no catchy title for the No Response.
Probably because it's diseased.
I can't believe this actually is happening on this planet.
I feel so stupid that I can't believe it.
And I feel so confused.
A Few Things I Want To Make Note Of...
...because I forget stuff...
ONE OF THE TIMES I NOTICED THE CRAZY
by Wife
MIMI: I thought you sent nice, respectful emails to him. And your requests aren't unreasonable.
WIFE: thanks, mama.
MIMI: Do you know why he's not wanting to change the schedule? Is it because he's concerned that he would go two full weeks without seeing your son?
WIFE: I don't think so, mama. He gets two full weeks with our son all the time.
MIMI: I just don't understand why he wouldn't agree to alter the schedule so that you and your family could take a vacation together.
WIFE: I'm pretty sure it's a control thing, mama. He wants to control me and our youngest, and it's probably not much more than that. Whenever he can interfere with our youngest's time with me, he will. He always has.
MIMI: Well, the way you worded your emails, there's no way for him to know that I won't be there, too!
(pause)
WIFE: What... I'm not sure what you mean.
MIMI: Well, the way that you worded those emails, I might be at the ranch, too! So for him to not allow your youngest to come to the ranch might be denying me of seeing your youngest! It's too bad he's behaving this way!
WIFE: So, is it too bad he's behaving this way because you wouldn't get to see our youngest, or because our youngest is being controlled out of a vacation with his mother?
MIMI: Well, that's not the point, daughter. It's just too bad he's unwilling to work with you. Especially after I've taken him to the buffalo ranch many times at my own personal expense!
ONE OF THE TIMES I NOTICED THE CRAZY
by Zon
MIMI: Well, I know how to play this game.
WIFE: This isn't a game, mama. And I'm not interested in playing with it.
MIMI: Well, I looked into helmets for your youngest, because all the helmets they have at the ranch for riding 4 wheelers are too small for his head, and I don't even want to ask dad if we can borrow youngest's football helmet, because he's just going to say no so he can try to control that situation, too. I know him. I know what he's like. So I'm not even going to ask him. So I looked into custom made helmets, and they're not that expensive, and I'd like to have a custom helmet made for your youngest so that he can ride the 4 wheelers, because that's something he's really enjoyed doing but he can't do it without a helmet. And I'd buy your oldest a helmet, too, so that everybody would have a helmet. And I'd give you money so that you don't have to worry about filling up your car with gas, so that you can feel comfortable driving up to the ranch on Wednesday night and drive back to town on Friday night to get your youngest back to his father on Saturday, and then you can drive the three hours back to the ranch to finish up the weekend with your husband and your oldest without worrying about the money it would take to fill up your gas tank.
She knows about how controlling he is... yet she still supports him as he works to hurt her daughter and her grandson?
ANOTHER TIME I NOTICED THE CRAZY
by Wife
MIMI: I really can't believe he's behaving this way! Unwilling to change the schedule to allow youngest a vacation with you. And then making up mandatory football practice so that this weird schedule we came up with doesn't work for youngest at all. It's just really too bad! And I can't believe that youngest is saying that he wants to go to this made up football practice rather than come to the buffalo ranch. Because I had a talk with them, all of them-- your youngest, his father and father's new wife, father's sister and her two children-- I told them all about how it was very important for me to take you on this vacation. And I had a talk with your youngest, alone, about how I was very sad that I hadn't been able to take you on vacations. (realizing she's said too much, and begins trying to backpedal) It was a very serious talk. So I'm surprised that he's saying that and acting that way. It's really too bad.
I didn't understand this story when Wife related it to me, and I still have to work really, really hard to understand it, even after she's explained it to me many times. From my perspective, my mother could have said that she was very sad because she hadn't been able to take me on vacations and it wouldn't have meant anything nefarious or devious. Those words didn't set off any warning sirens for me. But then my wife explained that what her mother was saying wasn't that it wasn't something like a scheduling conflict, but rather, Wife hadn't behaved according to the Rules Mimi had set up for her to live by, and because of that reason alone, Mimi felt like she wasn't able to gift Wife with vacations. I still struggle with this concept, too, and my wife has to tell me a little more about what this means before I get it. Because, again, when I'm bad, I don't expect to be gifted by my folks. And bad, for me, means that I steal something or kill somebody or do something horrible like that. In my Wife's mother's world, being bad means that you don't perform Gifts of Service on her time schedule. In reality, what this looks like is my wife and oldest go over to Mimi's house on mother's day to give her a flower and say "happy mother's day", at which time Mimi tells oldest that he needs to do yard work for her, then move furniture, then my wife needs to take her to the grocery store. If for any reason they can't, even if there are other plans that have already been established, this means that both oldest and Wife have been "bad" and she is unable to gift either of them with anything, like vacations. So what Ex did was to go to Mimi and ask for her blessing after his divorce from Wife, her daughter, which made him "good", then he told her that Wife had an affair and wouldn't be able to do anything for Mimi, which made Wife "bad", and then Mimi didn't even ask for Gifts of Service from Wife, because you're "good" if you give gifts of service, and it's selfish to actually ask for things so Mimi wouldn't actually ask for Gifts of Service. And because Wife wasn't performing the Gifts of Service that she hadn't been asked to do, she was more "bad" than before. And then the guardian ad litem comes along and asks her which parent she thinks is a better parent... and suddenly it doesn't take a genius to figure out why she said what she said... that Wife was a "bad" parent and Ex was a "good" parent. And those words mean different things to the rest of the world, and it takes time and patience to understand that this woman isn't speaking the same language as everyone else. Yes, she's using the same words, and so often it isn't even questioned. Ex is good, Wife is bad. And you need to KNOW to ask a question that really shouldn't need to be asked: WHAT makes somebody a good or a bad parent? In Mimi's world, a good parent is somebody who performs Gifts of Service for Mimi, as well as asks her opinions about spiritual issues, and a bad parent is somebody who doesn't perform Gifts of Service that haven't been requested, and who didn't help her take care of her sick mother in the way that she thought she should be receiving help over a decade ago. And now the guardian ad litem goes back to the court with that information: even Wife's own mother believes that Ex is a better parent than Wife, and that gets used like it's supposed to mean something. And once you get to that level of comprehension (it takes me a long time and a lot of work... I don't really understand why it's always so difficult for me to get it...), suddenly the game is super easy to manipulate. Once I get there, I can start thinking of very easy ways to get Mimi to support me, if that was something that I wanted. I would start with faith-- I'm having a crisis of faith because of all the ugliness of this divorce, for example-- and I really wanted to talk with her, because I know she's a well-respected member of the community. It doesn't matter that what I've said is total bullshit, but I've used the right words. Once I sit down with her, then I will tell her about whatever ugliness I can come up with, and somehow tie it in to Jesus-- it's been really difficult lately, because I haven't felt Jesus in my life, and I really could use His help right now. Can you help me get him back into my life? Once that's done, I move a couch for her, then leave. I'm now "good", and will reap the benefits. Occasionally, I may have to do more things for her, but if I'm looking to build a support group or looking for her acceptance, for any reason, I have just gotten it. It's a super easy system to manipulate, and it's much more difficult to live a responsible life where logical consequences happen. And once you know the system and how to manipulate it, going back to the story above, it doesn't matter how you treat Wife or youngest or oldest, because none of those people have anything to do with the system. Mimi has already planned activities for the "good" parent, is taking him golfing, is doing other things with him because he has played the system, as I described above. And if questioned about "why did you behave in a certain way about this whole thing?" all he needs to do is saying something like this: "Mimi, you don't have all the information. You don't know what it's like dealing with Wife. She doesn't create a safe place for anyone." And suddenly, everything is back to normal, because none of that really mattered in the first place because it wasn't ever about Wife, youngest, oldest, or even Ex... it was only about Mimi. And all I need to do is ask her advice occasionally, and then move a couch, and I can pretty much prison rape the world and Mimi will still tell people I'm "good", while Wife is "bad"... and unless you think to ask her what makes somebody "good" and "bad", you won't ever know what kind of insanity you're dealing with. And since she had a husband who left her over a million dollars in life insurance-- meaning she's now got money-- you probably would look at her and say, "well, she's got money, so I know she's not crazy...".
EPILOGUE
by Zon
WIFE tells BOSS about what's happening, and gets to the story above.
WIFE: And then my mother said that she told my youngest that she was very sad that she wasn't able to gift me.
BOSS: "Wasn't able"?! Are you kidding?!
WIFE: No, I'm not, and I'm actually kinda surprised that you understand what that means. Nobody else seems to.
BOSS: No, I get it! She's withholding things from you! And it's not because of anything you did, but because she's punishing you for some made up reason.
WIFE: yeah, most people don't really get that.
BOSS: I get it! And I don't care what my kids have done or what their spouses have done, I'm still going to invite them to family vacations! I'm still going to call them up and ask them to come to dinner! Because we're family and we talk it through, even if we're fighting or mad at each other!
WIFE: Exactly.
BOSS: That's abuse.
WIFE: My husband would love you so much right now.
BOSS: I know that's a strong word to use, but that's just abusive.
WIFE: I really cringe at that word, because it is so strong, but my husband has used it for years now about this situation, and he still says it's abusive.
BOSS: Because it is.
WIFE: But nobody besides you two seems to see it. And there's nothing that can be done about it. I can't show a lawyer bruises, because they're not there. And I don't know how to explain it to people so they get it. So what I'm left with is the abuse that happens, and then everybody saying that it's okay. It's fine. That I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, or that I'm overreacting. All the men in my life, outside of my husband, have always sung that song: you're overreacting.
BOSS: I'm really sorry.
WIFE: So am I.
Now that we've identified the problem... how do we best move forward? How do we correct things? Are we able to correct things, and if we're not, how do we leave them be and keep moving forward without allowing them to hold us back?
ONE OF THE TIMES I NOTICED THE CRAZY
by Wife
MIMI: I thought you sent nice, respectful emails to him. And your requests aren't unreasonable.
WIFE: thanks, mama.
MIMI: Do you know why he's not wanting to change the schedule? Is it because he's concerned that he would go two full weeks without seeing your son?
WIFE: I don't think so, mama. He gets two full weeks with our son all the time.
MIMI: I just don't understand why he wouldn't agree to alter the schedule so that you and your family could take a vacation together.
WIFE: I'm pretty sure it's a control thing, mama. He wants to control me and our youngest, and it's probably not much more than that. Whenever he can interfere with our youngest's time with me, he will. He always has.
MIMI: Well, the way you worded your emails, there's no way for him to know that I won't be there, too!
(pause)
WIFE: What... I'm not sure what you mean.
MIMI: Well, the way that you worded those emails, I might be at the ranch, too! So for him to not allow your youngest to come to the ranch might be denying me of seeing your youngest! It's too bad he's behaving this way!
WIFE: So, is it too bad he's behaving this way because you wouldn't get to see our youngest, or because our youngest is being controlled out of a vacation with his mother?
MIMI: Well, that's not the point, daughter. It's just too bad he's unwilling to work with you. Especially after I've taken him to the buffalo ranch many times at my own personal expense!
ONE OF THE TIMES I NOTICED THE CRAZY
by Zon
MIMI: Well, I know how to play this game.
WIFE: This isn't a game, mama. And I'm not interested in playing with it.
MIMI: Well, I looked into helmets for your youngest, because all the helmets they have at the ranch for riding 4 wheelers are too small for his head, and I don't even want to ask dad if we can borrow youngest's football helmet, because he's just going to say no so he can try to control that situation, too. I know him. I know what he's like. So I'm not even going to ask him. So I looked into custom made helmets, and they're not that expensive, and I'd like to have a custom helmet made for your youngest so that he can ride the 4 wheelers, because that's something he's really enjoyed doing but he can't do it without a helmet. And I'd buy your oldest a helmet, too, so that everybody would have a helmet. And I'd give you money so that you don't have to worry about filling up your car with gas, so that you can feel comfortable driving up to the ranch on Wednesday night and drive back to town on Friday night to get your youngest back to his father on Saturday, and then you can drive the three hours back to the ranch to finish up the weekend with your husband and your oldest without worrying about the money it would take to fill up your gas tank.
She knows about how controlling he is... yet she still supports him as he works to hurt her daughter and her grandson?
ANOTHER TIME I NOTICED THE CRAZY
by Wife
MIMI: I really can't believe he's behaving this way! Unwilling to change the schedule to allow youngest a vacation with you. And then making up mandatory football practice so that this weird schedule we came up with doesn't work for youngest at all. It's just really too bad! And I can't believe that youngest is saying that he wants to go to this made up football practice rather than come to the buffalo ranch. Because I had a talk with them, all of them-- your youngest, his father and father's new wife, father's sister and her two children-- I told them all about how it was very important for me to take you on this vacation. And I had a talk with your youngest, alone, about how I was very sad that I hadn't been able to take you on vacations. (realizing she's said too much, and begins trying to backpedal) It was a very serious talk. So I'm surprised that he's saying that and acting that way. It's really too bad.
I didn't understand this story when Wife related it to me, and I still have to work really, really hard to understand it, even after she's explained it to me many times. From my perspective, my mother could have said that she was very sad because she hadn't been able to take me on vacations and it wouldn't have meant anything nefarious or devious. Those words didn't set off any warning sirens for me. But then my wife explained that what her mother was saying wasn't that it wasn't something like a scheduling conflict, but rather, Wife hadn't behaved according to the Rules Mimi had set up for her to live by, and because of that reason alone, Mimi felt like she wasn't able to gift Wife with vacations. I still struggle with this concept, too, and my wife has to tell me a little more about what this means before I get it. Because, again, when I'm bad, I don't expect to be gifted by my folks. And bad, for me, means that I steal something or kill somebody or do something horrible like that. In my Wife's mother's world, being bad means that you don't perform Gifts of Service on her time schedule. In reality, what this looks like is my wife and oldest go over to Mimi's house on mother's day to give her a flower and say "happy mother's day", at which time Mimi tells oldest that he needs to do yard work for her, then move furniture, then my wife needs to take her to the grocery store. If for any reason they can't, even if there are other plans that have already been established, this means that both oldest and Wife have been "bad" and she is unable to gift either of them with anything, like vacations. So what Ex did was to go to Mimi and ask for her blessing after his divorce from Wife, her daughter, which made him "good", then he told her that Wife had an affair and wouldn't be able to do anything for Mimi, which made Wife "bad", and then Mimi didn't even ask for Gifts of Service from Wife, because you're "good" if you give gifts of service, and it's selfish to actually ask for things so Mimi wouldn't actually ask for Gifts of Service. And because Wife wasn't performing the Gifts of Service that she hadn't been asked to do, she was more "bad" than before. And then the guardian ad litem comes along and asks her which parent she thinks is a better parent... and suddenly it doesn't take a genius to figure out why she said what she said... that Wife was a "bad" parent and Ex was a "good" parent. And those words mean different things to the rest of the world, and it takes time and patience to understand that this woman isn't speaking the same language as everyone else. Yes, she's using the same words, and so often it isn't even questioned. Ex is good, Wife is bad. And you need to KNOW to ask a question that really shouldn't need to be asked: WHAT makes somebody a good or a bad parent? In Mimi's world, a good parent is somebody who performs Gifts of Service for Mimi, as well as asks her opinions about spiritual issues, and a bad parent is somebody who doesn't perform Gifts of Service that haven't been requested, and who didn't help her take care of her sick mother in the way that she thought she should be receiving help over a decade ago. And now the guardian ad litem goes back to the court with that information: even Wife's own mother believes that Ex is a better parent than Wife, and that gets used like it's supposed to mean something. And once you get to that level of comprehension (it takes me a long time and a lot of work... I don't really understand why it's always so difficult for me to get it...), suddenly the game is super easy to manipulate. Once I get there, I can start thinking of very easy ways to get Mimi to support me, if that was something that I wanted. I would start with faith-- I'm having a crisis of faith because of all the ugliness of this divorce, for example-- and I really wanted to talk with her, because I know she's a well-respected member of the community. It doesn't matter that what I've said is total bullshit, but I've used the right words. Once I sit down with her, then I will tell her about whatever ugliness I can come up with, and somehow tie it in to Jesus-- it's been really difficult lately, because I haven't felt Jesus in my life, and I really could use His help right now. Can you help me get him back into my life? Once that's done, I move a couch for her, then leave. I'm now "good", and will reap the benefits. Occasionally, I may have to do more things for her, but if I'm looking to build a support group or looking for her acceptance, for any reason, I have just gotten it. It's a super easy system to manipulate, and it's much more difficult to live a responsible life where logical consequences happen. And once you know the system and how to manipulate it, going back to the story above, it doesn't matter how you treat Wife or youngest or oldest, because none of those people have anything to do with the system. Mimi has already planned activities for the "good" parent, is taking him golfing, is doing other things with him because he has played the system, as I described above. And if questioned about "why did you behave in a certain way about this whole thing?" all he needs to do is saying something like this: "Mimi, you don't have all the information. You don't know what it's like dealing with Wife. She doesn't create a safe place for anyone." And suddenly, everything is back to normal, because none of that really mattered in the first place because it wasn't ever about Wife, youngest, oldest, or even Ex... it was only about Mimi. And all I need to do is ask her advice occasionally, and then move a couch, and I can pretty much prison rape the world and Mimi will still tell people I'm "good", while Wife is "bad"... and unless you think to ask her what makes somebody "good" and "bad", you won't ever know what kind of insanity you're dealing with. And since she had a husband who left her over a million dollars in life insurance-- meaning she's now got money-- you probably would look at her and say, "well, she's got money, so I know she's not crazy...".
EPILOGUE
by Zon
WIFE tells BOSS about what's happening, and gets to the story above.
WIFE: And then my mother said that she told my youngest that she was very sad that she wasn't able to gift me.
BOSS: "Wasn't able"?! Are you kidding?!
WIFE: No, I'm not, and I'm actually kinda surprised that you understand what that means. Nobody else seems to.
BOSS: No, I get it! She's withholding things from you! And it's not because of anything you did, but because she's punishing you for some made up reason.
WIFE: yeah, most people don't really get that.
BOSS: I get it! And I don't care what my kids have done or what their spouses have done, I'm still going to invite them to family vacations! I'm still going to call them up and ask them to come to dinner! Because we're family and we talk it through, even if we're fighting or mad at each other!
WIFE: Exactly.
BOSS: That's abuse.
WIFE: My husband would love you so much right now.
BOSS: I know that's a strong word to use, but that's just abusive.
WIFE: I really cringe at that word, because it is so strong, but my husband has used it for years now about this situation, and he still says it's abusive.
BOSS: Because it is.
WIFE: But nobody besides you two seems to see it. And there's nothing that can be done about it. I can't show a lawyer bruises, because they're not there. And I don't know how to explain it to people so they get it. So what I'm left with is the abuse that happens, and then everybody saying that it's okay. It's fine. That I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, or that I'm overreacting. All the men in my life, outside of my husband, have always sung that song: you're overreacting.
BOSS: I'm really sorry.
WIFE: So am I.
Now that we've identified the problem... how do we best move forward? How do we correct things? Are we able to correct things, and if we're not, how do we leave them be and keep moving forward without allowing them to hold us back?
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Death
Christians believe that when we die, we have a good chance to go to Heaven.
Different faiths believe there are different criterion for entering Heaven, but all Christian faiths believe that when we die, if we have met those criterion, we will go to Heaven.
Heaven is paradise, filled with love and goodness. It is a great place where everybody agrees they want to go. Never mind that it's impossible to get every member of a family of four to agree on one restaurant they all want to go to, because Heaven is different. It's where EVERYONE agrees, and EVERYONE wants to go, it's that awesome. It's better than all vacations and experiences you could ever have on this world. It's bitchin'.
I used to work on a cruise ship where, every week, I would watch families say goodbye to each other. "Have a great cruise! See you in a week!" There was a party as people left their families and loved ones on the shore.
I have seen teenagers go away to college. Their parents, often with tears in their eyes, will talk about how wonderful it is that their teen is getting this opportunity. Then the parents say goodbye, and the teen goes away, often for months or years at a time, leaving the parents alone. Have you seen this happen? Have you experienced this?
Please compare and contrast the tears of a parent sending off their child to college with the tears of a Christian at a funeral.
Are they the same? No. They aren't.
The parents know their child will have a great experience at college.
The Christian knows he will never see the dead person again.
The Christian wants to believe, really, really hard the Christian wants to believe.
But the Christian doesn't actually believe.
I observed one Christian force herself into a happy place when her husband died.
She wasn't happy.
In fact, she was verbally mournful after the funeral and for years to come.
Mostly about her loneliness at not having her husband around.
But at her husband's funeral, she jumped up at one point, stern, stern face, and started clapping with the music being played.
She was trying to celebrate.
But you could tell she didn't really believe what she was trying to get everybody else to believe she believed.
Like when you see a kid eating vegetables because they get ice cream if they do, they're working too hard.
Or when you see a professional soccer player or wrestler trying to make the referee believe that something happened that didn't.
It's a lie, and we all know it when we see it. Even if we can't put words to it.
I observed this woman wrap herself up in her lie, and then show off her lie to the other Christians around her.
"Look," she said to them without words, "I am rejoicing, as we all should do, because that's what we believe! There is no reason to believe this! There is no proof that what we believe is actual, and there is all kinds of proof that what we believe is fabrication! But doesn't it stand to reason that since all of us claim to believe this reasonless thing, then we all must be reasonless, which justifies your belief in and admiration of my reasonless behaviors? It sure does! I validate your reasonlessness! Doesn't it feel good to feel validated?! Clap with me, you psychotic nut jobs!"
And the Flock followed the Insane.
If Christians actually believed what they say they do, a funeral would look more like the departure docks before a cruise, and no one would wear black.
Different faiths believe there are different criterion for entering Heaven, but all Christian faiths believe that when we die, if we have met those criterion, we will go to Heaven.
Heaven is paradise, filled with love and goodness. It is a great place where everybody agrees they want to go. Never mind that it's impossible to get every member of a family of four to agree on one restaurant they all want to go to, because Heaven is different. It's where EVERYONE agrees, and EVERYONE wants to go, it's that awesome. It's better than all vacations and experiences you could ever have on this world. It's bitchin'.
I used to work on a cruise ship where, every week, I would watch families say goodbye to each other. "Have a great cruise! See you in a week!" There was a party as people left their families and loved ones on the shore.
I have seen teenagers go away to college. Their parents, often with tears in their eyes, will talk about how wonderful it is that their teen is getting this opportunity. Then the parents say goodbye, and the teen goes away, often for months or years at a time, leaving the parents alone. Have you seen this happen? Have you experienced this?
Please compare and contrast the tears of a parent sending off their child to college with the tears of a Christian at a funeral.
Are they the same? No. They aren't.
The parents know their child will have a great experience at college.
The Christian knows he will never see the dead person again.
The Christian wants to believe, really, really hard the Christian wants to believe.
But the Christian doesn't actually believe.
I observed one Christian force herself into a happy place when her husband died.
She wasn't happy.
In fact, she was verbally mournful after the funeral and for years to come.
Mostly about her loneliness at not having her husband around.
But at her husband's funeral, she jumped up at one point, stern, stern face, and started clapping with the music being played.
She was trying to celebrate.
But you could tell she didn't really believe what she was trying to get everybody else to believe she believed.
Like when you see a kid eating vegetables because they get ice cream if they do, they're working too hard.
Or when you see a professional soccer player or wrestler trying to make the referee believe that something happened that didn't.
It's a lie, and we all know it when we see it. Even if we can't put words to it.
I observed this woman wrap herself up in her lie, and then show off her lie to the other Christians around her.
"Look," she said to them without words, "I am rejoicing, as we all should do, because that's what we believe! There is no reason to believe this! There is no proof that what we believe is actual, and there is all kinds of proof that what we believe is fabrication! But doesn't it stand to reason that since all of us claim to believe this reasonless thing, then we all must be reasonless, which justifies your belief in and admiration of my reasonless behaviors? It sure does! I validate your reasonlessness! Doesn't it feel good to feel validated?! Clap with me, you psychotic nut jobs!"
And the Flock followed the Insane.
If Christians actually believed what they say they do, a funeral would look more like the departure docks before a cruise, and no one would wear black.
The Buffalo Ranch Debacle and Subsequent Breakdown
Texts between me and my wife.
WIFE: I can't remember if I've told you but I don't think I have - we won't be going to the buffalo ranch, so no need to take time off for that. You can divert it to time with [your visiting friend], if you feel like. Or Star Wars. Whatev.
ME: What happened with the buffalo ranch? Wasn't that something your mother gave us? Or did she take it away?
WIFE: No. She didn't. It's been a huge mess. It was offered to us the 26-31. I figured the earliest we could go would be Wednesday evening, the 27. I emailed [ex] about the opportunity presented, the dates, that I have no control over the timing of the offer and availability and that it would be the only trip we would be taking this summer. [Youngest] is officially scheduled to be with us May 22-29 and then June 1-7, leaving a two day gap of May 30-31. I asked if we could please adjust the schedule by two days so that [youngest] could go with us and enjoy the full time at the ranch. He responded "it is best to stick to the schedule we agreed to in the order." I ccd my mother on all email communications with him. Dealing with my mom was awkward and empowering and futile. I emailed him again, how disappointing it is he is unwilling to adjust the schedule two days to allow [youngest] to do something he would like to do with us, since he's always preaching how it's all about what [youngest] wants, worded much more respectfully and politely. No response. I emailed him once more several days later proposing multiple adjustments to the schedule and repeating that I am open to ANYTHING that would make [ex] happy AND allow [youngest] to enjoy the vacation with us. No response. At all. Just the initial "no". In between emailings, I'm communicating with my mother who is very upset by [ex]'s refusal and then non-communication and is offering suggestions and solutions, including buying [youngest] a special order XXL racing helmet so that he can ride the 4-wheelers without having to has his dad permission to bring his football helmet since none of the helmets at the ranch fit his head AND planning to give us money so that I could afford to drive to the ranch on Wednesday, return [youngest] to [ex] on Friday, and drive back to the ranch that night to continue enjoying it with you and [oldest] through the weekend. I had been up and down and sad and furious and had resigned myself to that back and forth plan an making the best of it because it's a great opportunity and experience to have with all my favorite people and it's an adventure no matter what it looks like!! Until. I got an email from [ex] late Friday night telling me that [youngest] has "mandatory" spring football practice May 27-29 that he cannot miss. Of course, it's NOT mandatory. Of course [youngest] believes it is, even when shown the email from his high school coach that he will NOT be penalized in any way if he misses it. Of course, [youngest] wants to do the training with his teammates. And [ex] refuses to adjust the schedule so that we could at least have the weekend for this experience that he's gotten to have with my children countless times. And, of course, I no longer feel it's an adventure that I want to have, even for the weekend with you and [oldest], because I will just feel deeply sad and angry. I'm left feeling stomped and defeated and alone and abused. And trying to process all that while not falling apart and continuing to work and supporting you through your yuck and trying not to set you off and working with [oldest] to find a job and keep the house clean and try to work out and take care of myself and pay bills and budget money and balance unexpected shortages in your paycheck and figure out how to keep smiling and still enjoy all the moments I get with [youngest] and not worry that he hates me or just doesn't love me or about why he has chosen his father over me or if he likes [ex's current wife] better than me or how I've completely failed him or all the mistakes I've made or how he doesn't remember any of the good stuff we did/do together or about how I feel like I've lost him and am a total failure as a mother and force myself to go to his awards ceremony at school and investigate, locate and communicate with coaches and booster club presidents to make sure I'm getting the appropriate info about [youngest]'s football schedule and prep myself and my house for company and for making me feel better and be aware of severe weather and try to calm my youngest's fears about it without disrespecting the idiots who are creating fear in him and deal with repeated and continual bullying by my ex in regards to my time with my son and get dressed and showered and try to have a date with my sexy ass husband that I adore and feel so very far away from and and try to keep up my art journaling and creativity and cut myself slack because I haven't been able to keep up with my new birthday art class and maintain my QOTD with my sons in a lame attempt to stay connected with them and remember to eat and try to sleep and try to not worry about why I'm bleeding off schedule (it's very likely because I started exercising) and keep smiling and being polite and doing the right thing and trying to enjoy any little moment at all while desperately wanting to crumple under the weight of it all. It all really really hard. And there's never any peace.
ME: I'm so sorry lover. What can I do for you?
WIFE: Nothing. You've got your own stuff, babe.
ME: Yes I do. And if you can think of a way I can make your life easier, happier, and more joyful, and you're able to tell me, I will do all I can to make sure you are as happy as possible. I love you.
WIFE: It would make me so happy if you would get all the help you need and can so that you can feel good as much as possible and can squeeze the pulp out of all the happy we can get our hands on. You are my favorite. I'm so glad you're here with me. And if you ever can't be, because it's all just too much, I will completely understand. I'm clinging to any speck of smile or laugh or positivity or hug or bliss I can experience with you. No pressure. I'm not depending on you for my happiness. I'm just enjoying every bit of you.
ME: I will get the help I need. For you babe.
**UPDATE: I found out that emails and plans had been traveling about between the parties since the end of April. On Mother's Day, my wife received the email from ex saying that the schedule couldn't be altered. On Mother's Day.***
WIFE: I can't remember if I've told you but I don't think I have - we won't be going to the buffalo ranch, so no need to take time off for that. You can divert it to time with [your visiting friend], if you feel like. Or Star Wars. Whatev.
ME: What happened with the buffalo ranch? Wasn't that something your mother gave us? Or did she take it away?
WIFE: No. She didn't. It's been a huge mess. It was offered to us the 26-31. I figured the earliest we could go would be Wednesday evening, the 27. I emailed [ex] about the opportunity presented, the dates, that I have no control over the timing of the offer and availability and that it would be the only trip we would be taking this summer. [Youngest] is officially scheduled to be with us May 22-29 and then June 1-7, leaving a two day gap of May 30-31. I asked if we could please adjust the schedule by two days so that [youngest] could go with us and enjoy the full time at the ranch. He responded "it is best to stick to the schedule we agreed to in the order." I ccd my mother on all email communications with him. Dealing with my mom was awkward and empowering and futile. I emailed him again, how disappointing it is he is unwilling to adjust the schedule two days to allow [youngest] to do something he would like to do with us, since he's always preaching how it's all about what [youngest] wants, worded much more respectfully and politely. No response. I emailed him once more several days later proposing multiple adjustments to the schedule and repeating that I am open to ANYTHING that would make [ex] happy AND allow [youngest] to enjoy the vacation with us. No response. At all. Just the initial "no". In between emailings, I'm communicating with my mother who is very upset by [ex]'s refusal and then non-communication and is offering suggestions and solutions, including buying [youngest] a special order XXL racing helmet so that he can ride the 4-wheelers without having to has his dad permission to bring his football helmet since none of the helmets at the ranch fit his head AND planning to give us money so that I could afford to drive to the ranch on Wednesday, return [youngest] to [ex] on Friday, and drive back to the ranch that night to continue enjoying it with you and [oldest] through the weekend. I had been up and down and sad and furious and had resigned myself to that back and forth plan an making the best of it because it's a great opportunity and experience to have with all my favorite people and it's an adventure no matter what it looks like!! Until. I got an email from [ex] late Friday night telling me that [youngest] has "mandatory" spring football practice May 27-29 that he cannot miss. Of course, it's NOT mandatory. Of course [youngest] believes it is, even when shown the email from his high school coach that he will NOT be penalized in any way if he misses it. Of course, [youngest] wants to do the training with his teammates. And [ex] refuses to adjust the schedule so that we could at least have the weekend for this experience that he's gotten to have with my children countless times. And, of course, I no longer feel it's an adventure that I want to have, even for the weekend with you and [oldest], because I will just feel deeply sad and angry. I'm left feeling stomped and defeated and alone and abused. And trying to process all that while not falling apart and continuing to work and supporting you through your yuck and trying not to set you off and working with [oldest] to find a job and keep the house clean and try to work out and take care of myself and pay bills and budget money and balance unexpected shortages in your paycheck and figure out how to keep smiling and still enjoy all the moments I get with [youngest] and not worry that he hates me or just doesn't love me or about why he has chosen his father over me or if he likes [ex's current wife] better than me or how I've completely failed him or all the mistakes I've made or how he doesn't remember any of the good stuff we did/do together or about how I feel like I've lost him and am a total failure as a mother and force myself to go to his awards ceremony at school and investigate, locate and communicate with coaches and booster club presidents to make sure I'm getting the appropriate info about [youngest]'s football schedule and prep myself and my house for company and for making me feel better and be aware of severe weather and try to calm my youngest's fears about it without disrespecting the idiots who are creating fear in him and deal with repeated and continual bullying by my ex in regards to my time with my son and get dressed and showered and try to have a date with my sexy ass husband that I adore and feel so very far away from and and try to keep up my art journaling and creativity and cut myself slack because I haven't been able to keep up with my new birthday art class and maintain my QOTD with my sons in a lame attempt to stay connected with them and remember to eat and try to sleep and try to not worry about why I'm bleeding off schedule (it's very likely because I started exercising) and keep smiling and being polite and doing the right thing and trying to enjoy any little moment at all while desperately wanting to crumple under the weight of it all. It all really really hard. And there's never any peace.
ME: I'm so sorry lover. What can I do for you?
WIFE: Nothing. You've got your own stuff, babe.
ME: Yes I do. And if you can think of a way I can make your life easier, happier, and more joyful, and you're able to tell me, I will do all I can to make sure you are as happy as possible. I love you.
WIFE: It would make me so happy if you would get all the help you need and can so that you can feel good as much as possible and can squeeze the pulp out of all the happy we can get our hands on. You are my favorite. I'm so glad you're here with me. And if you ever can't be, because it's all just too much, I will completely understand. I'm clinging to any speck of smile or laugh or positivity or hug or bliss I can experience with you. No pressure. I'm not depending on you for my happiness. I'm just enjoying every bit of you.
ME: I will get the help I need. For you babe.
**UPDATE: I found out that emails and plans had been traveling about between the parties since the end of April. On Mother's Day, my wife received the email from ex saying that the schedule couldn't be altered. On Mother's Day.***
The Stressors
Today I'm told that we are not going to the Buffalo Ranch, a trip my wife was extremely excited about. It has just turned 9AM as I write this sentence. She has not told me why we are not going yet. I am fairly certain she is unhappy about not going, whatever the reason is.
Yesterday, I broke down in Walmart, thinking about how long my friend should stay with us and the kinds of stress this upcoming weekend will bring with the arrival of our youngest. I was unfocused at work, as I ruminated on our youngest and how he doesn't talk with us at all anymore, and when he does he just lies about everything. Also, there was extreme weather with tornado activity, flooding my car and reminding me that the last time our youngest was to come over to our house for the weekend he said that he didn't want to come over until the storms had passed... and there weren't any storms... but he didn't want to come over until the rain had stopped because, he said, his father had a shelter and we didn't. When my wife went to pick him up, he was playing games with his aunt and cousins, making her believe that there was no real thoughts about storms, just that he wanted to keep playing games. I made a conscious decision to fuck going to the gym yesterday. At that time, my wife and I hadn't been to the gym in a week and I'm desperately trying to find the motivation to return. Instead, I ate ice cream from the carton.
Monday, I drove to work in the fog and rain. My wife remained upset by something. I have asked her about what is wrong, and she has not told me, saying that if she tells me it will "take me away", and she says she needs me here. She is correct. The more I hear she is upset, the more rageful I get. When I hear about her son or her ex or her mother or her ex-sister-in-law hurting her or making her feel less-than or dismissing her or embarrassing her, I get very angry. I do no get as angry when I don't see my wife get hurt or when I am not told about those issues. Which creates a situation where my wife wants to tell me about her life, but if she does then it does more harm than good because of my reaction. And even if I try to calm myself, sometimes I am unable to do so. My wife insists that she always tells me what's happening, and I trust this is the case, she just chooses not to tell me at times when she needs me to support her, rather than become angry about the situation. I was also told that my work would be initiating background checks, which I am concerned about. I am concerned that they have, somehow, been as a result of my wife's ex and his desire to dig into my past, somehow, and make my job more difficult or less financially sound, or somehow continue the name-calling, character-smearing ugliness that has not stopped since 2007. I, also, have not received an official notice of my promotional pay increase, something I'm also concerned has ties back to my wife's ex.
All of those days, I have had to deal with the doctor who sits behind me.
That's just this week.
Next week will have similar entries.
In thinking about the stressors in my life, I am able to find many on a daily basis. I am unable to shake most of them, or feel relief from the symptoms of them.
I am scheduled to see a shrink today at 4PM.
Her last name is the same last name as the attorney who represented my wife's ex in divorce court since 2007. The same attorney who helped my wife and ex get a divorce, who presented himself as working for both of them as well as working to make the lives of their children as pain-free as possible in the Divorce, and then he presented a pen to my wife to sign the official papers, saying, "you understand that I'm not your attorney?" My wife, based on the amount of time all three of them had spent trying to get the details of the Divorce correct, and based on how easily it had all gone and on her ex's expressed desire to make everything pain-free for all involved, didn't see that there would be any problem at all with this. Just because he wasn't her attorney didn't mean that the work they had done was all a ruse. It just meant there was AN attorney, dedicated to the ideas they had spent months talking about.
Yesterday, I broke down in Walmart, thinking about how long my friend should stay with us and the kinds of stress this upcoming weekend will bring with the arrival of our youngest. I was unfocused at work, as I ruminated on our youngest and how he doesn't talk with us at all anymore, and when he does he just lies about everything. Also, there was extreme weather with tornado activity, flooding my car and reminding me that the last time our youngest was to come over to our house for the weekend he said that he didn't want to come over until the storms had passed... and there weren't any storms... but he didn't want to come over until the rain had stopped because, he said, his father had a shelter and we didn't. When my wife went to pick him up, he was playing games with his aunt and cousins, making her believe that there was no real thoughts about storms, just that he wanted to keep playing games. I made a conscious decision to fuck going to the gym yesterday. At that time, my wife and I hadn't been to the gym in a week and I'm desperately trying to find the motivation to return. Instead, I ate ice cream from the carton.
Monday, I drove to work in the fog and rain. My wife remained upset by something. I have asked her about what is wrong, and she has not told me, saying that if she tells me it will "take me away", and she says she needs me here. She is correct. The more I hear she is upset, the more rageful I get. When I hear about her son or her ex or her mother or her ex-sister-in-law hurting her or making her feel less-than or dismissing her or embarrassing her, I get very angry. I do no get as angry when I don't see my wife get hurt or when I am not told about those issues. Which creates a situation where my wife wants to tell me about her life, but if she does then it does more harm than good because of my reaction. And even if I try to calm myself, sometimes I am unable to do so. My wife insists that she always tells me what's happening, and I trust this is the case, she just chooses not to tell me at times when she needs me to support her, rather than become angry about the situation. I was also told that my work would be initiating background checks, which I am concerned about. I am concerned that they have, somehow, been as a result of my wife's ex and his desire to dig into my past, somehow, and make my job more difficult or less financially sound, or somehow continue the name-calling, character-smearing ugliness that has not stopped since 2007. I, also, have not received an official notice of my promotional pay increase, something I'm also concerned has ties back to my wife's ex.
All of those days, I have had to deal with the doctor who sits behind me.
That's just this week.
Next week will have similar entries.
In thinking about the stressors in my life, I am able to find many on a daily basis. I am unable to shake most of them, or feel relief from the symptoms of them.
I am scheduled to see a shrink today at 4PM.
Her last name is the same last name as the attorney who represented my wife's ex in divorce court since 2007. The same attorney who helped my wife and ex get a divorce, who presented himself as working for both of them as well as working to make the lives of their children as pain-free as possible in the Divorce, and then he presented a pen to my wife to sign the official papers, saying, "you understand that I'm not your attorney?" My wife, based on the amount of time all three of them had spent trying to get the details of the Divorce correct, and based on how easily it had all gone and on her ex's expressed desire to make everything pain-free for all involved, didn't see that there would be any problem at all with this. Just because he wasn't her attorney didn't mean that the work they had done was all a ruse. It just meant there was AN attorney, dedicated to the ideas they had spent months talking about.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Can't Stop Thinking About It All...
http://www.gooddivorcebaddivorce.com/
From that page:
Some days I can't get the abuse and injustice out of my soul.
Some days my white-hot rage won't cool at all.
Some days are mostly years.
From that page:
If you and your spouse disagree on issues involving marital property, assets, or children, then your divorce proceeding could turn into a battlefield over your legal rights: child support, visitation, custody, maintenance (alimony), and the division of assets. All too often, this battle may look more like a dirty street fight than a divorce proceeding. Spouses who play by the rules are not prepared for this kind of dirty fight. Ironically, the spouse who is more aggressive and does not play by the rules can win in court because of system failure. The unsuspecting spouse may slip down a treacherous path in divorce court losing his or her pocket-book, dignity, and maybe even custody of the children-- wrongfully-- along the way.Some days I can't stop thinking about my wife, her kids, my parents, and myself in this world.
Some days I can't get the abuse and injustice out of my soul.
Some days my white-hot rage won't cool at all.
Some days are mostly years.
Background Checks
Background check.
I've worked here over 5 years, and now you're conducting a background check.
Because of a law passed in 2002 that wasn't enforced by you.
And now funding is going to be cut if you don't do what you were supposed to do.
But the bright side is that, if I'm fired for whatever reason, I will at least have had over 5 years of employment to help me keep my house and family and food. How nice to have had a job.
The bright side is awesome!
Makes everything seem so piddly!
Yay bright side!
I've worked here over 5 years, and now you're conducting a background check.
Because of a law passed in 2002 that wasn't enforced by you.
And now funding is going to be cut if you don't do what you were supposed to do.
But the bright side is that, if I'm fired for whatever reason, I will at least have had over 5 years of employment to help me keep my house and family and food. How nice to have had a job.
The bright side is awesome!
Makes everything seem so piddly!
Yay bright side!
Monday, May 18, 2015
QA Stupidity
We have a Quality Assurance (QA) department. They take a look at much of our work to make sure we're doing it correctly. Today I had an exchange with a gentleman (read: prickdickfucker) in our QA department who reviewed one of my cases.
From QA:
Please add a sentence or two to the onset letter.
My response:
dickprickfucker's response:
My response:
At this point, I have asked dickprickfucker TWICE for language that would clear up this issue as I have assessed he is either asking me to explain Social Security procedures to a claimant, or use different language. He has also gone into some detail about how it's important to tell the claimant that they are being allowed because they turned 55, which puts them into a different category of rules and, ultimately, is the reason why they're being allowed when they are.
dickprickfucker's response:
Upon reflection, this exchange was minor. The issue was petty. And, really, the only reason I'm upset is because the case was returned to me and it was unclear, for several email exchanges, how I should change what I had done in order to make it fit with what the QA idiot wanted. Typically, QA will send you something telling you what you did wrong, then they will tell you, specifically, what changes need to be made. "...or something like that..." is never included in the specific changes. Also, when you explain what you want done clearly, it's easier to understand what you want even when you make typos (like this idiot did), and EVERYBODY makes typos at some time.
This stupid fucker has just ruined my day so far. I'm now fighting to get back on track. What a dickprickfucker.
And while I'm at it, I think it's fucking stupid as hell that "proceed" has two "ee"s, and "procedure" has only one "e", and I can't keep the fucking pair separate! I also have a huge problem with "loose" versus "lose", and typically can only figure out which one is which when I think about the song "Lose Yourself", cuz I know that only has one "o", and means "to get lost". English is stupid. People are stupid. Everything is fucking dumb as hell!
From QA:
We should add to the onset letters {letters sent out to the claimant telling them why the date they alleged their disability began is not the date we will be using to start their disability payments} the reason why we allowed the claimant at 03/19/15. The reason is his attaining age 55 but we do not state that in the DDE specifically on the letter. We should add that he is disabled due to his age and that he became disabled when he reached age 55; or something like that. The current letter does not let the claimant know why we chose 03/19/15.
Please add a sentence or two to the onset letter.
My response:
Hi [dickprickfucker],
My previous and current supervisors have both told me
that I should not include the language "...because you turned a specific
age..." in a [letter to the claimant] for change of onset.
One supervisor gave me the language along the lines of "you are being allowed
on this date because that is when you met the requirements of the definition of
disability as it pertains to the Social Security Administration." My current supervisor is asking for a
clarification or a specific example of the correct language to use, or why this
particular case needs to include the language detailing that the claimant
turned a specific age and that's why we're allowing. Can you advise?
Thank you.dickprickfucker's response:
The case was returned to you because I do not think the
claimant or the SSA Rep can understand why the Onset date is 03/19/15.
Do You?
It is more than one year after the [alleged onset date]. It is not the claimant birthdate.
SSA writing is supposed to be understood by a person of
6th grade education level.
The Commissioner
Broadcast memo of 11/13/14 states we are supposed to promote clear
understanding and in accordance with the Plain Writing Act of 2010; " that the public can understand and
requires all Federal agencies to use plain language in documents that provide
information to the public. "
My response:
I understand using clear language and Plain Writing
Act. The language I've used in the [letter]
is language I've always used, and my feeling is that it is clear according to
the guidelines set forth for clear language.
In terms of presenting a clear understanding as to the concepts of why
3/19/15 was selected for the allowance date, this would require explaining the
workings of medical vocational allowances including that Social Security deems
an individual their next chronological age the day prior to their actual
birthday. It was my understanding that
these conceptual issues were complex enough to warrant the language I've used
without going into a fairly comprehensive explanation as to how medical
vocational allowances are determined. Of
course, I will do whatever I need to do in order to adjudicate and dispose of
this case in an accurate and timely fashion.
However, since I've always used this language, I would love an example
of how to clearly write the [letter] so that I can adjust my language for the
future.
At this point, I have asked dickprickfucker TWICE for language that would clear up this issue as I have assessed he is either asking me to explain Social Security procedures to a claimant, or use different language. He has also gone into some detail about how it's important to tell the claimant that they are being allowed because they turned 55, which puts them into a different category of rules and, ultimately, is the reason why they're being allowed when they are.
dickprickfucker's response:
I did not state we should try to explain medical vocational evaluation processes to the claimant.
Just that the decision letter should be understandable to a normal person.
I would add this sentence; Or something similar.
We considered the starting date of disability that you alleged but we did not find you to be disabled under
our rules for disability evaluation before 03/19/2015; when we reviewed your
age, education and medical records.
Upon reflection, this exchange was minor. The issue was petty. And, really, the only reason I'm upset is because the case was returned to me and it was unclear, for several email exchanges, how I should change what I had done in order to make it fit with what the QA idiot wanted. Typically, QA will send you something telling you what you did wrong, then they will tell you, specifically, what changes need to be made. "...or something like that..." is never included in the specific changes. Also, when you explain what you want done clearly, it's easier to understand what you want even when you make typos (like this idiot did), and EVERYBODY makes typos at some time.
This stupid fucker has just ruined my day so far. I'm now fighting to get back on track. What a dickprickfucker.
And while I'm at it, I think it's fucking stupid as hell that "proceed" has two "ee"s, and "procedure" has only one "e", and I can't keep the fucking pair separate! I also have a huge problem with "loose" versus "lose", and typically can only figure out which one is which when I think about the song "Lose Yourself", cuz I know that only has one "o", and means "to get lost". English is stupid. People are stupid. Everything is fucking dumb as hell!
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Purely Hypothetical
This is a purely hypothetical situation.
Let's say that a man says to his wife, "I would take off work to go see the new Star Wars movie."
To which his wife gets upset and says, "You'd take off work for Star Wars, but you won't take off work to spend extra days with me at the Buffalo Ranch?!"
Hypothetically, it took me a day to come up with this response, which I think is pretty good:
"Star Wars has never given me attitude about taking time off work."
Hypothetically, that's a pretty good response.
But, hypothetically, the man didn't say that.
So it's all just hypothetical.
Meaning it didn't happen.
Let's say that a man says to his wife, "I would take off work to go see the new Star Wars movie."
To which his wife gets upset and says, "You'd take off work for Star Wars, but you won't take off work to spend extra days with me at the Buffalo Ranch?!"
Hypothetically, it took me a day to come up with this response, which I think is pretty good:
"Star Wars has never given me attitude about taking time off work."
Hypothetically, that's a pretty good response.
But, hypothetically, the man didn't say that.
So it's all just hypothetical.
Meaning it didn't happen.
Language
In Spanish, "vaya con dios" means "go with god", while "vaya con dio" means "go with gave".
The plural of moose is moose.
The plural of mouse is mice.
The plural of goose is geese.
Loose louse lose is an actual sentence.
Apple is a fruit, a computer, and a human baby.
Sugar and honey are both sweeteners as well as terms of endearment, while syrup is just a sweetener.
Pudding is a dessert, while puddin' is a term of endearment.
Dessert is food.
Desert is a land mass.
A deserter deserts, or leaves.
A desserter doesn't dessert, or eat desserts, because "desserter" is Danish for "desserts" and not an English word meaning "one who eat desserts", which it obviously should be.
If you have more than one person, you have people.
Many people create a crowd.
In America, one crowd IS correct.
In Britain, one crowd ARE correct.
"Go over there", "Go over their", and "Go over they're" all sound identical, yet only the first one is an actual sentence. The second is, at best, incomplete. The third is nonsense and pisses off my wife.
"Dogs" can refer to animals or human feet.
"Cats" can refer to animals or cool humans, often associated with jazz.
"...cats and dogs" means "a lot of rain" when coupled with the phrase "it's raining...".
**Time out. It would appear that the assignment of "cats and dogs" to the phrase is purely arbitrary, and could just as well be any other coupling of anything, which, by virtue of being said after the words "it's raining..." would come to mean "a lot of rain". We might as well just say any of the following combinations of words.
"It's raining..."
...babies and yarn.
...saddle bags and day terrors.
...homies and poop.
...yak sushi and pie.
...purple und admonish.
...men and hallelujah.
...Time in.***
Tommy's bike is the bike belonging to Tommy, and we know that because of the apostrophe, while the tires belonging to the bike are its tires, sans apostrophe.
Blind people read Braille.
Hay comes in bales.
Criminals make bail.
So Christian Bale bails the baler reading Braille is something that might actually happen.
A train is a means of transportation, a length of dress or veil that drags on the ground behind the wearer, and a verb meaning to prepare for something.
A plain plane on the plains is a no-frills, aerial means of transportation located in a place where the topography is generally flat and dusty.
We are taught that no mammal lays eggs.
Then we are taught a platypus is a mammal that lays eggs.
And we did ALL of this to ourselves!!!
What were we thinking?!
Why didn't we make it easier?!
We're in control! It's not like we can't say, "okay, we fucked up. What we meant was..."
How in the world have we managed to communicate with each other at all?!
And why the fuck do we care?!
Why do we subject our children to years of torture under teachers who are instructing them in insanity?!
Do we hate our children that much?!
And are we so monumentally fucked up that we seriously can't make up our minds about shit?!
Everything's gotta have an exception, nothing can be consistent!
All we're really saying is that we are grandly inconsistent and nobody's got the balls to straighten it all out.
We're all doomed.
-or-
We're awl doomed.
-or-
We is all doomed.
The plural of moose is moose.
The plural of mouse is mice.
The plural of goose is geese.
Loose louse lose is an actual sentence.
Apple is a fruit, a computer, and a human baby.
Sugar and honey are both sweeteners as well as terms of endearment, while syrup is just a sweetener.
Pudding is a dessert, while puddin' is a term of endearment.
Dessert is food.
Desert is a land mass.
A deserter deserts, or leaves.
A desserter doesn't dessert, or eat desserts, because "desserter" is Danish for "desserts" and not an English word meaning "one who eat desserts", which it obviously should be.
If you have more than one person, you have people.
Many people create a crowd.
In America, one crowd IS correct.
In Britain, one crowd ARE correct.
"Go over there", "Go over their", and "Go over they're" all sound identical, yet only the first one is an actual sentence. The second is, at best, incomplete. The third is nonsense and pisses off my wife.
"Dogs" can refer to animals or human feet.
"Cats" can refer to animals or cool humans, often associated with jazz.
"...cats and dogs" means "a lot of rain" when coupled with the phrase "it's raining...".
**Time out. It would appear that the assignment of "cats and dogs" to the phrase is purely arbitrary, and could just as well be any other coupling of anything, which, by virtue of being said after the words "it's raining..." would come to mean "a lot of rain". We might as well just say any of the following combinations of words.
"It's raining..."
...babies and yarn.
...saddle bags and day terrors.
...homies and poop.
...yak sushi and pie.
...purple und admonish.
...men and hallelujah.
...Time in.***
Tommy's bike is the bike belonging to Tommy, and we know that because of the apostrophe, while the tires belonging to the bike are its tires, sans apostrophe.
Blind people read Braille.
Hay comes in bales.
Criminals make bail.
So Christian Bale bails the baler reading Braille is something that might actually happen.
A train is a means of transportation, a length of dress or veil that drags on the ground behind the wearer, and a verb meaning to prepare for something.
A plain plane on the plains is a no-frills, aerial means of transportation located in a place where the topography is generally flat and dusty.
We are taught that no mammal lays eggs.
Then we are taught a platypus is a mammal that lays eggs.
And we did ALL of this to ourselves!!!
What were we thinking?!
Why didn't we make it easier?!
We're in control! It's not like we can't say, "okay, we fucked up. What we meant was..."
How in the world have we managed to communicate with each other at all?!
And why the fuck do we care?!
Why do we subject our children to years of torture under teachers who are instructing them in insanity?!
Do we hate our children that much?!
And are we so monumentally fucked up that we seriously can't make up our minds about shit?!
Everything's gotta have an exception, nothing can be consistent!
All we're really saying is that we are grandly inconsistent and nobody's got the balls to straighten it all out.
We're all doomed.
-or-
We're awl doomed.
-or-
We is all doomed.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Answer The Door?
I don't remember being taught to answer the door. I do remember having safety measures handed down to me from somebody about how to answer the door. Make sure to look and see who is at the door before you open it, if you can. If you don't know the person, make sure the safety chain is latched before you open the door. Don't give out any personal information. Don't have sex with the person at the door more than twice without wearing a condom. Don't eat cheese 30 minutes before getting in the pool, or you might have hair grow on your palms. There were other things, too, that I can't remember.
The other day, I ordered a pizza for dinner. My son was sitting in the front room, and I was tucked away in the bedroom. I heard the doorbell ring, and figured it was the pizza delivery person. I heard the chair in the front room creak, indicating my son was getting up. I figured he was going to answer the door. By the time I got to the front room, I noticed that he had moved away from the door and into the kitchen, almost hiding. I was a bit confused.
After getting the pizza, I asked him why he didn't get the door. He told me that he never got the door. I asked why. He said because it was usually somebody selling something and he didn't want to be bothered with them. That sounded like a decent answer to me. I don't want to be bothered with people selling stuff. He went on to say that he was at home most of the day and there were lots of people who came to the door selling things. If he had known it was a pizza, he would've behaved differently, he told me. I took a stab and said that he had gotten up and moved away from the door so that the person at the door might not see him through the window and stay at the front door longer than needed. He said that was right. Then he asked me if that was a bad thing, and I didn't have an answer for him. I told him I'd get back to him with an answer.
I don't know how long ago that was, but it was a while, and I'm still uncertain how I feel about it.
The other day, I ordered a pizza for dinner. My son was sitting in the front room, and I was tucked away in the bedroom. I heard the doorbell ring, and figured it was the pizza delivery person. I heard the chair in the front room creak, indicating my son was getting up. I figured he was going to answer the door. By the time I got to the front room, I noticed that he had moved away from the door and into the kitchen, almost hiding. I was a bit confused.
After getting the pizza, I asked him why he didn't get the door. He told me that he never got the door. I asked why. He said because it was usually somebody selling something and he didn't want to be bothered with them. That sounded like a decent answer to me. I don't want to be bothered with people selling stuff. He went on to say that he was at home most of the day and there were lots of people who came to the door selling things. If he had known it was a pizza, he would've behaved differently, he told me. I took a stab and said that he had gotten up and moved away from the door so that the person at the door might not see him through the window and stay at the front door longer than needed. He said that was right. Then he asked me if that was a bad thing, and I didn't have an answer for him. I told him I'd get back to him with an answer.
I don't know how long ago that was, but it was a while, and I'm still uncertain how I feel about it.
Friday, May 8, 2015
Fuck Off Shitty Bitch
i was gonna make some kind of smart, brainy comment about how my wife makes great greeting cards that are cool and great and each one is hand-crafted so each one is lovingly massaged into being by my wife's mind and talented hands. i was gonna then say that her shitty co-worker is shitty, and have some kind of brainy way to scientifically prove her shitty co-worker should be shot.
but i don't wanna work that hard for her shitty co-worker. instead, it's pretty shitty that my wife has been creating cards for years now, and then you, Shitty Bitch, come along with your Crazy and decide, without any kind of go-ahead from the boss, that you're going to make crappy, shitty, ugly, pointless greeting cards for sale in the shop. and i don't give a shit how many people are buying your shitty, ugly, diseased cards. it doesn't mean they're better than my wife's. here, i can think of lots of reasons why your cards might seem like they're selling better than my wife's cards.
1. you have made more cards than my wife, because you just scribble on your cards, and the sheer number of cards you have made covers my wife's cards, so people buy your cards because they don't realize there's something actually good underneath all your shit.
2. you have made more cards than my wife, so mathematically it's probable that you will sell more cards than she does simply because there's more of your shit.
3. you annoy the customers to the point where they just buy your shit in order to shut you up
4. you annoy the customers to the point where they just stop fighting you as you push one of your own cards into their hands
5. you're a flabby bitch with a mammoth labia that's really ugly and scrapes the dirt when you play tennis poorly
6. you know that most people in this state are idiots and you make cards for them, and they, like idiots, come and support the person who understands them
7. you swallow ape jism
8. you're a dumbass cunt
9. nobody likes you
10. your cards are shitty, but not as shitty as you, and you'll always be shitty, because you're shitty
11. you sell more cards because you put drugs in your cards, so all the crack addicts come and buy your crack cards
12. you love hitler
13. your brother was inside you a lot
14. you have no artistic merit and your nose is dumb
15. you sell more cards because you always turn the display rack so that people can't see my wife's cards, like Cinderella's step-mother... except you're much worse and smell like a bad thing
16. you sell more cards because you have made under-the-table deals with everybody in town and your sales aren't based on actual Goodness Of Cards but on illegal deals that will send you directly to hell
17. you're a bloodfart
18. you're an asshole
19. you should break your legs a lot with pain in front of me and I'll fucking laugh and laugh and laugh
20. i've shit better shitty artists than you, you fuck
there.
20 reasons why you're a dildo.
and, coincidentally, 20 reasons why your cards may seem like they're selling better than my wife's cards.
fuck off, Shitty Bitch.
Fuck.
Off.
Shitty.
Bitch.
but i don't wanna work that hard for her shitty co-worker. instead, it's pretty shitty that my wife has been creating cards for years now, and then you, Shitty Bitch, come along with your Crazy and decide, without any kind of go-ahead from the boss, that you're going to make crappy, shitty, ugly, pointless greeting cards for sale in the shop. and i don't give a shit how many people are buying your shitty, ugly, diseased cards. it doesn't mean they're better than my wife's. here, i can think of lots of reasons why your cards might seem like they're selling better than my wife's cards.
1. you have made more cards than my wife, because you just scribble on your cards, and the sheer number of cards you have made covers my wife's cards, so people buy your cards because they don't realize there's something actually good underneath all your shit.
2. you have made more cards than my wife, so mathematically it's probable that you will sell more cards than she does simply because there's more of your shit.
3. you annoy the customers to the point where they just buy your shit in order to shut you up
4. you annoy the customers to the point where they just stop fighting you as you push one of your own cards into their hands
5. you're a flabby bitch with a mammoth labia that's really ugly and scrapes the dirt when you play tennis poorly
6. you know that most people in this state are idiots and you make cards for them, and they, like idiots, come and support the person who understands them
7. you swallow ape jism
8. you're a dumbass cunt
9. nobody likes you
10. your cards are shitty, but not as shitty as you, and you'll always be shitty, because you're shitty
11. you sell more cards because you put drugs in your cards, so all the crack addicts come and buy your crack cards
12. you love hitler
13. your brother was inside you a lot
14. you have no artistic merit and your nose is dumb
15. you sell more cards because you always turn the display rack so that people can't see my wife's cards, like Cinderella's step-mother... except you're much worse and smell like a bad thing
16. you sell more cards because you have made under-the-table deals with everybody in town and your sales aren't based on actual Goodness Of Cards but on illegal deals that will send you directly to hell
17. you're a bloodfart
18. you're an asshole
19. you should break your legs a lot with pain in front of me and I'll fucking laugh and laugh and laugh
20. i've shit better shitty artists than you, you fuck
there.
20 reasons why you're a dildo.
and, coincidentally, 20 reasons why your cards may seem like they're selling better than my wife's cards.
fuck off, Shitty Bitch.
Fuck.
Off.
Shitty.
Bitch.
Speculation As Fact
My office recently was involved with fundraising for the March of Dimes. As part of that fundraising, regular emails were delivered to all of us detailing personal stories of how the March of Dimes affected people in our office personally. Today was the final day, and we received this story today...
***Time out... why is it important to the story you're telling to include your husband "...running around the office, unable to find a supervisor..."? That doesn't add narrative that progress the plot. All it does is take up space and vilify the many people in the office who could be considered supervisors for your husband, and who are allowing you to spread your ignorant, vile, hate-filled message via their email, you fucking cunt. Time in...***
Here's my huge beef with this story: the last line is a total speculation wrapped up as a fact, and this happens all the time in our world. The accurate, honest way to express her sentiments might look like this: "My children benefited greatly because of the research the March of Dimes has done, possibly even owing their lives to this charity. Understandibly, this is very important to me, and I think it should be to you, too."
Going back to the way it's worded, it starts with a speculation-- "Had it not been for the research...". We cannot go back in time and see how things would be right now without the research that was done back then. In fact, her statement is not only speculative but also based on a type of Worst Case scenario where only the March of Dimes is capable of the research they did, and without them, no one else would have done the same research or even seen the need to do this research, making the same or similar research unavailable at the time of the twins' births.
This kind of statement is indicative of dangerously ignorant thinking. Like, "Had it not been for the anti-terrorism measures we took in this country, countless lives would have been taken by more terrorist attacks on domestic soil, perhaps in the form of a mushroom cloud. We must continue to fund and support these measures so that we don't have to face more attacks like 9/11, or worse."
People are the worst.
Our Preemie Story
Many of you know me and my husband [name] as we have been a part of the [office] team [husband] for 6 years and myself for 5. Some of you will remember when [husband] and I announced we were having twins. That pregnancy was very hard on me and I was on emergency medical bed rest at 24 weeks to prevent preterm labor, which we had already experienced with our oldest daughter. In the end we were able to prevent the birth of the twins until I was 35 weeks. For twins that is a good gestation.
The week prior to the birth of our twins I had begged my doctor for the steroid shots to develop the babies lungs as they were scheduled to be delivered via C-section at 35 weeks and 5 days or 04/30/2012. Only we never made it to the scheduled date. The day the twins were born, 04/25/2012, [husband] came home with lunch and then returned to the office, only for me to call him an hour later informing him that I had gone into labor. After running around the office, unable to find a supervisor, he rushed home to pick me up. And we were off to the hospital.
***Time out... why is it important to the story you're telling to include your husband "...running around the office, unable to find a supervisor..."? That doesn't add narrative that progress the plot. All it does is take up space and vilify the many people in the office who could be considered supervisors for your husband, and who are allowing you to spread your ignorant, vile, hate-filled message via their email, you fucking cunt. Time in...***
By the time we got to [the hospital], the contractions were already a minute apart and it was very scary, on my part. We were in an operating room within 45 minutes of walking into the door at the hospital. [The girl twin] and [the boy twin] were born at 4:51 PM within 15-30 seconds apart and have the same time on their birth certificates. In the midst of all the joy there was fear; [girl twin] couldn’t breathe on her own and [boy twin] was having trouble with very labored breathing. Both of our newborns were rushed to the NICU with [husband] on the heels of the NICU team. [Girl twin] was placed on a Ventilator and [boy twin] was placed on a CPAP. We were getting ready for a long haul, but were blessed when they were released from the NICU 11 days later on 05/05/2012. They are now very active, opinionated, and just completely joyous soon to be 3 year olds. Had it not been for the research the March of Dimes has done, [girl twin] wouldn’t be here today and it is ify that [boy twin] would be.
Here's my huge beef with this story: the last line is a total speculation wrapped up as a fact, and this happens all the time in our world. The accurate, honest way to express her sentiments might look like this: "My children benefited greatly because of the research the March of Dimes has done, possibly even owing their lives to this charity. Understandibly, this is very important to me, and I think it should be to you, too."
Going back to the way it's worded, it starts with a speculation-- "Had it not been for the research...". We cannot go back in time and see how things would be right now without the research that was done back then. In fact, her statement is not only speculative but also based on a type of Worst Case scenario where only the March of Dimes is capable of the research they did, and without them, no one else would have done the same research or even seen the need to do this research, making the same or similar research unavailable at the time of the twins' births.
This kind of statement is indicative of dangerously ignorant thinking. Like, "Had it not been for the anti-terrorism measures we took in this country, countless lives would have been taken by more terrorist attacks on domestic soil, perhaps in the form of a mushroom cloud. We must continue to fund and support these measures so that we don't have to face more attacks like 9/11, or worse."
People are the worst.
Thursday, May 7, 2015
I've Been Promoted!!
I'VE BEEN PROMOTED
A Short Dramedy
by Zon
TITLE CARD:
The following is a true story.
Lights up on ZON talking with JUANITA in her office.
JUANITA
We would like to offer you a promotion.
ZON
I accept!
JUANITA
Great. There will be an increase in work, as well as an increase in pay. But the promotion won't be "official" until you receive an email from HR.
ZON
Sounds great!
JUANITA
Now you can go out and buy a new car.
ZON
Well, there are a lot of necessities that need to be taken care of before I can even think about spending money on anything nice. A lot has happened to us, so this promotion isn't so much about getting to play, it's more about paying for tragedies that have already taken place. This is much-needed medicine.
JUANITA
I'm not authorized to talk with you about that.
ZON
(puzzled by this response)
... o... kay....
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD:
1 WEEK LATER
ZON sits in his cubicle, writing an email.
ZON
(voice over)
Amy, I came by your office last week but missed you. I wanted
to thank you for the offer of promotion. Juanita told
me about it on Thursday and I was thrilled, as you might have guessed.
Any ideas when that might take effect? Juanita said she wasn’t sure. Thank you, again.We hear ZON send the email, and almost immediately he receives a response to his email. He opens it and reads the email from AMY.
AMY
(voice over)
DRS – HR establishes the
effective date so we have no ideas regarding the timeframe until we hear from
them. Amy CUT TO:
TITLE CARD:
1 MORE WEEK LATER
ZON sits in his cubicle, writing another email.
ZON
(voice over)
Hi Jeannie. About two weeks ago, 4/2/15, my supervisor, Juanita, told me that I was
being promoted. She said it would be
“official” as soon as I received an email from HR. My supervisor's supervisor, Amy, mentioned the
same thing when I spoke with her, also. I haven’t received that official email yet. It's been two weeks now, and I was wondering if this is something I
should be concerned with. Thanks for any help you can give.ZON smiles, and we hear him send the email. Almost immediately we hear he has received email. He checks his email, and we hear JEANNIE.
JEANNIE
(voice over)
The paperwork is in process. Sonya will be able to give
you the status as she is handling the process.ZON writes another email.
ZON
(voice over)
Hi Sonya. On 4/2/15 I was told by my supervisor that I was
being promoted. Neither she nor her supervisor were able to
give me any information about when the pay would take effect. I started receiving the added work at my new promotional levels that would go along with my promotion on April 6th, so I’m hoping that I would see the added pay in April’s check.
However, both my supervisor and her supervisor told me that my promotion status
wouldn’t be official until I received an official HR email, which I haven’t
received. Jeannie told me (see email chain below) that you would be
able to tell me the status of all of this, as it’s all very confusing to me right
now. Thank you. Zon.ZON sends the email.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD:
4 HOURS LATER
ZON gets an email. He opens it.
SONYA
(voice over)
Good morning Zonathon, I apologizes for the late
response, I was out of the office this morning. The paper work was submitted to
main payroll a couple of weeks ago (I believe). I haven’t heard anything from
them at this time, I will send an e-mail and if no response in the next hour I
will call over there to find out the status of your Detail and when will you
see the difference in your pay. Once again I apologizes for the late
response. Thanks, Sonya. CUT TO:
TITLE CARD:
2 DAYS LATER
ZON writes an email.
ZON
(voice over)
Hi Sonya. Have you heard anything? I’m nervous that April’s check
won’t reflect the change, which would be disappointing. Thanks for all your help with this. Zon.ZON sends this email, and almost immediately receives an email. He opens it.
SONYA
(voice over)
Good morning, I apologies for not informing
you that Stephanie (at the main payroll) was out of the office, but I did leave
her a voicemail. Have you looked at you paycheck?
It’s available to view. Please check and advise. ZON writes a response.
ZON
(voice over)
My paycheck does not reflect the change, which is why I was
getting nervous. I think I checked it on the 15th (was it
available that early?) and it showed the same that it always does. I
thought that, since I was told about my promotion and started working increased
levels at the beginning of the month that I would also see an increase in pay
for this month, since it happened at the beginning of the month. ZON sends the email, and immediately receives a response. It's SONYA.
SONYA
(voice over)
They get in the office around
8:30am. I will call and speak to someone and find out something for you this
morning. I understand this is frustrating to you, but I’m really have
been trying to get answers. ZON writes a response.
ZON
(voice over)
Thank you, Sonya. I appreciate all you’ve done and
continue to do for me. I know the process can, sometimes, be slow.
Thank you for all your help.A knock is heard on ZON's door. SONYA walks in.
SONYA
I thought I would just come by and tell you what I found out. Your promotion was accepted by HR on April 22nd, but your paperwork was submitted before that, so that's when it became official. Because you weren't promoted on the exact first day of the month, then your increased pay won't appear on this month's paycheck. You'll get a pro-rated paycheck at the middle pay period, the 12th of the month, for the time you worked during the month of April.
ZON
Oh. Okay, so on May 12th, I'll get a pro-rated check for the amount of time I've worked at my heightened levels, and then by the end of May, my actual paycheck will be at a regular level?
SONYA
Yes.
ZON
Okay. That's too bad, but at least I know now. I guess I'll just wait until May 12th. Thanks.SONYA leaves.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD:
2 WEEKS LATER
ZON writes an email.
ZON
(voice over)
Hi Sonya. Thank you for all your help with my issues. I have another
question for you. I’ve checked my paycheck this morning and it isn’t what
I expected. When you came and talked with me, you told me that my promotion had been made official on April 22nd, even though I was told
about it 4/2/15 and started working at heightened levels 4/6/15. You said
that my mid-month paycheck in May would be pro-rated and that I would get a
full month at the end of May. What I had understood that to mean was that
I would receive a pro-rated pay for the increased work I had done from April 6th
through the end of the month, but I’m guessing that’s not the case based on
what I’m seeing in my check. I’m not sure what timeframe my mid-month
check in May reflects, and what I should expect at the end of the month.
Are you able to clarify any of this for me? I truly appreciate your
help. Zon. ZON sends the email.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD:
2 HOURS LATER
ZON gets an email. He opens it.
SONYA
(voice over)
Good morning. I will come talk with you
shortly. I apologizes for the misunderstanding, but I will try to explain it to
you the way it was explained to me. See you in a few. ZON writes a response.
ZON
(voice over)
Thanks again, Sonya. CUT TO:
TITLE CARD
4 HOURS LATER
ZON writes an email.
ZON
(voice over)
Hi Sonya. I just returned from the bathroom and wanted to
make sure that I hadn’t missed you if you had come by.CUT TO:
TITLE CARD:
6 HOURS LATER
(AT ZON'S HOME)
ZON sits with MRS. ZON.
MRS. ZON
Did you hear from anybody about your paycheck?
ZON
No.Pause.
MRS. ZON
Motherfuckers.Several tornadoes are heard and seen hitting around ZON and MRS. ZON's home. People are seen freaking the fuck out.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD:
THE NEXT DAY
ZON writes an email.
ZON
(voice over)
Hi Sonya, Didn’t hear from you yesterday. Hoping you can explain my
pay situation to me today. Thank you. Zon.SONYA knocks on ZON's cubicle and sits down.
SONYA
So here's what's happened. You're getting paid on the middle pay period because you didn't get promoted on the exact first day of the month.
ZON
Right, I know that part. But the pay that I'm getting is really, really low, and I wanted to know what portion of the month I was getting paid for.
SONYA
So, when did we get promoted?
ZON
I started getting increased work on the 6th. But you told me last time you came by that my paperwork had been officially accepted by HR on the 22nd. So I was told about my promotion on the 2nd, I got increased work on the 6th, the middle pay period ends on the 12th, and HR officially accepted my paperwork on the 22nd. Which of those dates am I getting paid for in this check I'm getting on May 12th?
SONYA
Okay, when was we told about the promotion?
ZON
On April 2nd.
SONYA
And was we told that we would be getting paid then?
ZON
No, I was told that I wasn't officially promoted until I got an email or letter from HR, which I still haven't received.
SONYA
I gave you a letter last time.
ZON
No, you never did.
SONYA
Didn't I?
ZON
No.
SONYA
(doing heavy calculations in her head, under her breath, we can smell her brain burning)
Zonathon... Zon... hmmmmmm... (fully addressing ZON now) Well, if you didn't get your letter, then they didn't get their letter either. Well, there's a letter I need to get to you, which makes your promotion official.
ZON
Okay.SONYA smiles, like she's a guest at a party. Pause.
SONYA
Congratulations!
ZON
So, have I been promoted?
SONYA
Oh yes!
ZON
But I haven't received a letter or email, and that was supposed to be the defining event. Which hasn't happened yet. Plus I'm not getting paid...
SONYA
You're getting paid. You're getting a mid-month check.
ZON
Yes, but I don't know what that's for. There's no time period for that check. I don't know what period of time that check is supposed to cover.
SONYA
Well, your paperwork was accepted on the 22nd.
ZON
Will I get a letter indicating that?
SONYA
Yes, we will get an email telling us about the promotion.
ZON
So at that point, I will officially be made aware that I have been accepted into my promotional position.
SONYA
Yes.
ZON
And what time period does my mid-month paycheck cover?
SONYA
Well, your paperwork was made official on the 22nd.
ZON
So my mid-month pay is only for April 22nd through the 29th, just the last week of the month?
SONYA
Yes. It's pro-rated.
ZON
So I will see the rest of my pay at the end of May?
SONYA
Well, officially, according to the rules, in the book, you can work for a period of six months at your current level.
ZON
Are you saying that I worked for two weeks for free?
SONYA
No! Not at all! According to the rules, you can work for a period of 6 months at increased levels before compensation is required to increase with those levels.
ZON
So, the two-week and two-day period of time that I worked at increased levels will not have increased pay associated with them?
SONYA
Well, we can work for a period of six months...
ZON
No, I feel ya on that. But what you're telling me is that for two weeks and two days I worked without increase in pay or knowledge that I was going without increase in pay?
SONYA
(squinching up her face)
I mean, I don't want to say "yes", but...
ZON
But "yes"?SONYA sheepishly shrugs, meaning "yes".
ZON (cont.)
Okay. Have I been promoted?
SONYA
Oh yes!
ZON
You feel me on this, though? Cuz I want to make sure, cuz what you just told me that I worked for more than half a month thinking I had been promoted when I hadn't been, even though I was getting more work like I had been promoted. I haven't received an official email or letter, and I've been told that is what I need in order to make my promotion official.
SONYA
But you are getting paid, and that's a good indicator that promotions.
ZON
Yeah, I feel ya on that. But there's no indication on my paycheck as to what that extra pay is for, that my level has been increased, what time period it's for, nothing. So as far as I know, I'm just getting extra money for no reason.
SONYA
No, your check tells you what your level is.
ZON
No, it doesn't.
SONYA
Yeah, in the upper right corner, it should tell you what time period it is for and what level you are at.
ZON
(turning to his computer)
Will you stay here with me while I look it up so you can show me? Because I might be looking in the wrong place.
SONYA
Oh sure.SONYA stands next to ZON as he accesses his paycheck on his computer. As he does, SONYA notices a large container of peanut butter filled pretzels.
SONYA
(pointing to the container)
Are these from Sam's?
ZON
I don't think so. They were a gift from my wife for my birthday. But "market pantry" is a Target brand name, so I'm guessing she got them from Target. Would you like some?
SONYA
Oh no! My stomach is all twisted up. My girlfriend, my sister, they all eat whatever they want for breakfast. Me, I can't do that. They eat pizza, spaghetti, fried chicken for breakfast. If I eat that for breakfast I throw up. I can't do it!
ZON
Okay, well maybe you shouldn't have any pretzels for breakfast.
SONYA
(noticing the large container of cashews next to the pretzels)
Oh, I just love these.
ZON
Cashews are awesome. So buttery. So delicious!
SONYA
They're great! Did you get these from Sam's?
ZON
(mildly surprised that he was getting another question regarding Sam's)
Those are all part of the birthday gift, so I don't think so. "Archer Farms" is another Target brand, so...ZON has pulled up his check at this point. SONYA comes closer so that she can see his check. She points to an area on his check.
SONYA
(pointing)
You see here, where it says...SONYA stops. Her finger starts to search around on the paycheck on the screen as she realizes that what she is looking at isn't what she expected to be looking at. Her finger glides over the screen, from one place to another, looking for the information she had said was going to be there. There is no indication regarding ZON's classification level or pay per level.
SONYA (cont.)
That's weird.
ZON
And you see, there's also no indication as to what period of time this pay is for.
SONYA
(pointing)
There it is.
ZON
That say it begins on April 1st and ends on April 30th.
SONYA
That's the pay period.
ZON
Except it isn't. You told me this was a pro-rated check for which I'm only being paid for part of the month.
SONYA
Oh, I get it. The period is for the beginning of the month through to the end of the month. So, since we got promoted in that time, that's what they're paying us for.
ZON
But they're not. I was told on the 2nd I was promoted, I started working at increased levels on the 6th, and this check only represents pay since the 22nd, it sounds like, but there's no way of knowing this pay is only for my work from the 22nd on.
SONYA
Well, that's when your paperwork became official.
ZON
(resigning himself to the fact that SONYA was hired to fill some kind of quota)
Okay. I think I understand.
SONYA
Okay.
ZON
You're going to send me the email or the letter saying that I'm officially promoted?
SONYA
Yes, I'll go get that, and it may take me a second but I'll send that over to you or come by. And then later today, I can come by and get some cashews?
ZON
Sure. Come on by.
SONYA
(laughing)
Okay! I'll see you later!SONYA leaves. ZON doesn't complain, because he's looking on the bright side of life and is grateful to have a job. Lots of people don't have jobs. Lots of people don't have legs and they have to crawl on the floor. Some people don't have floors! ZON was grateful he had a floor. How lucky he was to live in such an honest, wonderful, sunshiny world.
THE END
Pulitzer me now, please.