Texts between me and my wife.
WIFE: I can't remember if I've told you but I don't think I have - we won't be going to the buffalo ranch, so no need to take time off for that. You can divert it to time with [your visiting friend], if you feel like. Or Star Wars. Whatev.
ME: What happened with the buffalo ranch? Wasn't that something your mother gave us? Or did she take it away?
WIFE: No. She didn't. It's been a huge mess. It was offered to us the 26-31. I figured the earliest we could go would be Wednesday evening, the 27. I emailed [ex] about the opportunity presented, the dates, that I have no control over the timing of the offer and availability and that it would be the only trip we would be taking this summer. [Youngest] is officially scheduled to be with us May 22-29 and then June 1-7, leaving a two day gap of May 30-31. I asked if we could please adjust the schedule by two days so that [youngest] could go with us and enjoy the full time at the ranch. He responded "it is best to stick to the schedule we agreed to in the order." I ccd my mother on all email communications with him. Dealing with my mom was awkward and empowering and futile. I emailed him again, how disappointing it is he is unwilling to adjust the schedule two days to allow [youngest] to do something he would like to do with us, since he's always preaching how it's all about what [youngest] wants, worded much more respectfully and politely. No response. I emailed him once more several days later proposing multiple adjustments to the schedule and repeating that I am open to ANYTHING that would make [ex] happy AND allow [youngest] to enjoy the vacation with us. No response. At all. Just the initial "no". In between emailings, I'm communicating with my mother who is very upset by [ex]'s refusal and then non-communication and is offering suggestions and solutions, including buying [youngest] a special order XXL racing helmet so that he can ride the 4-wheelers without having to has his dad permission to bring his football helmet since none of the helmets at the ranch fit his head AND planning to give us money so that I could afford to drive to the ranch on Wednesday, return [youngest] to [ex] on Friday, and drive back to the ranch that night to continue enjoying it with you and [oldest] through the weekend. I had been up and down and sad and furious and had resigned myself to that back and forth plan an making the best of it because it's a great opportunity and experience to have with all my favorite people and it's an adventure no matter what it looks like!! Until. I got an email from [ex] late Friday night telling me that [youngest] has "mandatory" spring football practice May 27-29 that he cannot miss. Of course, it's NOT mandatory. Of course [youngest] believes it is, even when shown the email from his high school coach that he will NOT be penalized in any way if he misses it. Of course, [youngest] wants to do the training with his teammates. And [ex] refuses to adjust the schedule so that we could at least have the weekend for this experience that he's gotten to have with my children countless times. And, of course, I no longer feel it's an adventure that I want to have, even for the weekend with you and [oldest], because I will just feel deeply sad and angry. I'm left feeling stomped and defeated and alone and abused. And trying to process all that while not falling apart and continuing to work and supporting you through your yuck and trying not to set you off and working with [oldest] to find a job and keep the house clean and try to work out and take care of myself and pay bills and budget money and balance unexpected shortages in your paycheck and figure out how to keep smiling and still enjoy all the moments I get with [youngest] and not worry that he hates me or just doesn't love me or about why he has chosen his father over me or if he likes [ex's current wife] better than me or how I've completely failed him or all the mistakes I've made or how he doesn't remember any of the good stuff we did/do together or about how I feel like I've lost him and am a total failure as a mother and force myself to go to his awards ceremony at school and investigate, locate and communicate with coaches and booster club presidents to make sure I'm getting the appropriate info about [youngest]'s football schedule and prep myself and my house for company and for making me feel better and be aware of severe weather and try to calm my youngest's fears about it without disrespecting the idiots who are creating fear in him and deal with repeated and continual bullying by my ex in regards to my time with my son and get dressed and showered and try to have a date with my sexy ass husband that I adore and feel so very far away from and and try to keep up my art journaling and creativity and cut myself slack because I haven't been able to keep up with my new birthday art class and maintain my QOTD with my sons in a lame attempt to stay connected with them and remember to eat and try to sleep and try to not worry about why I'm bleeding off schedule (it's very likely because I started exercising) and keep smiling and being polite and doing the right thing and trying to enjoy any little moment at all while desperately wanting to crumple under the weight of it all. It all really really hard. And there's never any peace.
ME: I'm so sorry lover. What can I do for you?
WIFE: Nothing. You've got your own stuff, babe.
ME: Yes I do. And if you can think of a way I can make your life easier, happier, and more joyful, and you're able to tell me, I will do all I can to make sure you are as happy as possible. I love you.
WIFE: It would make me so happy if you would get all the help you need and can so that you can feel good as much as possible and can squeeze the pulp out of all the happy we can get our hands on. You are my favorite. I'm so glad you're here with me. And if you ever can't be, because it's all just too much, I will completely understand. I'm clinging to any speck of smile or laugh or positivity or hug or bliss I can experience with you. No pressure. I'm not depending on you for my happiness. I'm just enjoying every bit of you.
ME: I will get the help I need. For you babe.
**UPDATE: I found out that emails and plans had been traveling about between the parties since the end of April. On Mother's Day, my wife received the email from ex saying that the schedule couldn't be altered. On Mother's Day.***
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