...because I forget stuff...
ONE OF THE TIMES I NOTICED THE CRAZY
by Wife
MIMI: I thought you sent nice, respectful emails to him. And your requests aren't unreasonable.
WIFE: thanks, mama.
MIMI: Do you know why he's not wanting to change the schedule? Is it because he's concerned that he would go two full weeks without seeing your son?
WIFE: I don't think so, mama. He gets two full weeks with our son all the time.
MIMI: I just don't understand why he wouldn't agree to alter the schedule so that you and your family could take a vacation together.
WIFE: I'm pretty sure it's a control thing, mama. He wants to control me and our youngest, and it's probably not much more than that. Whenever he can interfere with our youngest's time with me, he will. He always has.
MIMI: Well, the way you worded your emails, there's no way for him to know that I won't be there, too!
(pause)
WIFE: What... I'm not sure what you mean.
MIMI: Well, the way that you worded those emails, I might be at the ranch, too! So for him to not allow your youngest to come to the ranch might be denying me of seeing your youngest! It's too bad he's behaving this way!
WIFE: So, is it too bad he's behaving this way because you wouldn't get to see our youngest, or because our youngest is being controlled out of a vacation with his mother?
MIMI: Well, that's not the point, daughter. It's just too bad he's unwilling to work with you. Especially after I've taken him to the buffalo ranch many times at my own personal expense!
ONE OF THE TIMES I NOTICED THE CRAZY
by Zon
MIMI: Well, I know how to play this game.
WIFE: This isn't a game, mama. And I'm not interested in playing with it.
MIMI: Well, I looked into helmets for your youngest, because all the helmets they have at the ranch for riding 4 wheelers are too small for his head, and I don't even want to ask dad if we can borrow youngest's football helmet, because he's just going to say no so he can try to control that situation, too. I know him. I know what he's like. So I'm not even going to ask him. So I looked into custom made helmets, and they're not that expensive, and I'd like to have a custom helmet made for your youngest so that he can ride the 4 wheelers, because that's something he's really enjoyed doing but he can't do it without a helmet. And I'd buy your oldest a helmet, too, so that everybody would have a helmet. And I'd give you money so that you don't have to worry about filling up your car with gas, so that you can feel comfortable driving up to the ranch on Wednesday night and drive back to town on Friday night to get your youngest back to his father on Saturday, and then you can drive the three hours back to the ranch to finish up the weekend with your husband and your oldest without worrying about the money it would take to fill up your gas tank.
She knows about how controlling he is... yet she still supports him as he works to hurt her daughter and her grandson?
ANOTHER TIME I NOTICED THE CRAZY
by Wife
MIMI: I really can't believe he's behaving this way! Unwilling to change the schedule to allow youngest a vacation with you. And then making up mandatory football practice so that this weird schedule we came up with doesn't work for youngest at all. It's just really too bad! And I can't believe that youngest is saying that he wants to go to this made up football practice rather than come to the buffalo ranch. Because I had a talk with them, all of them-- your youngest, his father and father's new wife, father's sister and her two children-- I told them all about how it was very important for me to take you on this vacation. And I had a talk with your youngest, alone, about how I was very sad that I hadn't been able to take you on vacations. (realizing she's said too much, and begins trying to backpedal) It was a very serious talk. So I'm surprised that he's saying that and acting that way. It's really too bad.
I didn't understand this story when Wife related it to me, and I still have to work really, really hard to understand it, even after she's explained it to me many times. From my perspective, my mother could have said that she was very sad because she hadn't been able to take me on vacations and it wouldn't have meant anything nefarious or devious. Those words didn't set off any warning sirens for me. But then my wife explained that what her mother was saying wasn't that it wasn't something like a scheduling conflict, but rather, Wife hadn't behaved according to the Rules Mimi had set up for her to live by, and because of that reason alone, Mimi felt like she wasn't able to gift Wife with vacations. I still struggle with this concept, too, and my wife has to tell me a little more about what this means before I get it. Because, again, when I'm bad, I don't expect to be gifted by my folks. And bad, for me, means that I steal something or kill somebody or do something horrible like that. In my Wife's mother's world, being bad means that you don't perform Gifts of Service on her time schedule. In reality, what this looks like is my wife and oldest go over to Mimi's house on mother's day to give her a flower and say "happy mother's day", at which time Mimi tells oldest that he needs to do yard work for her, then move furniture, then my wife needs to take her to the grocery store. If for any reason they can't, even if there are other plans that have already been established, this means that both oldest and Wife have been "bad" and she is unable to gift either of them with anything, like vacations. So what Ex did was to go to Mimi and ask for her blessing after his divorce from Wife, her daughter, which made him "good", then he told her that Wife had an affair and wouldn't be able to do anything for Mimi, which made Wife "bad", and then Mimi didn't even ask for Gifts of Service from Wife, because you're "good" if you give gifts of service, and it's selfish to actually ask for things so Mimi wouldn't actually ask for Gifts of Service. And because Wife wasn't performing the Gifts of Service that she hadn't been asked to do, she was more "bad" than before. And then the guardian ad litem comes along and asks her which parent she thinks is a better parent... and suddenly it doesn't take a genius to figure out why she said what she said... that Wife was a "bad" parent and Ex was a "good" parent. And those words mean different things to the rest of the world, and it takes time and patience to understand that this woman isn't speaking the same language as everyone else. Yes, she's using the same words, and so often it isn't even questioned. Ex is good, Wife is bad. And you need to KNOW to ask a question that really shouldn't need to be asked: WHAT makes somebody a good or a bad parent? In Mimi's world, a good parent is somebody who performs Gifts of Service for Mimi, as well as asks her opinions about spiritual issues, and a bad parent is somebody who doesn't perform Gifts of Service that haven't been requested, and who didn't help her take care of her sick mother in the way that she thought she should be receiving help over a decade ago. And now the guardian ad litem goes back to the court with that information: even Wife's own mother believes that Ex is a better parent than Wife, and that gets used like it's supposed to mean something. And once you get to that level of comprehension (it takes me a long time and a lot of work... I don't really understand why it's always so difficult for me to get it...), suddenly the game is super easy to manipulate. Once I get there, I can start thinking of very easy ways to get Mimi to support me, if that was something that I wanted. I would start with faith-- I'm having a crisis of faith because of all the ugliness of this divorce, for example-- and I really wanted to talk with her, because I know she's a well-respected member of the community. It doesn't matter that what I've said is total bullshit, but I've used the right words. Once I sit down with her, then I will tell her about whatever ugliness I can come up with, and somehow tie it in to Jesus-- it's been really difficult lately, because I haven't felt Jesus in my life, and I really could use His help right now. Can you help me get him back into my life? Once that's done, I move a couch for her, then leave. I'm now "good", and will reap the benefits. Occasionally, I may have to do more things for her, but if I'm looking to build a support group or looking for her acceptance, for any reason, I have just gotten it. It's a super easy system to manipulate, and it's much more difficult to live a responsible life where logical consequences happen. And once you know the system and how to manipulate it, going back to the story above, it doesn't matter how you treat Wife or youngest or oldest, because none of those people have anything to do with the system. Mimi has already planned activities for the "good" parent, is taking him golfing, is doing other things with him because he has played the system, as I described above. And if questioned about "why did you behave in a certain way about this whole thing?" all he needs to do is saying something like this: "Mimi, you don't have all the information. You don't know what it's like dealing with Wife. She doesn't create a safe place for anyone." And suddenly, everything is back to normal, because none of that really mattered in the first place because it wasn't ever about Wife, youngest, oldest, or even Ex... it was only about Mimi. And all I need to do is ask her advice occasionally, and then move a couch, and I can pretty much prison rape the world and Mimi will still tell people I'm "good", while Wife is "bad"... and unless you think to ask her what makes somebody "good" and "bad", you won't ever know what kind of insanity you're dealing with. And since she had a husband who left her over a million dollars in life insurance-- meaning she's now got money-- you probably would look at her and say, "well, she's got money, so I know she's not crazy...".
EPILOGUE
by Zon
WIFE tells BOSS about what's happening, and gets to the story above.
WIFE: And then my mother said that she told my youngest that she was very sad that she wasn't able to gift me.
BOSS: "Wasn't able"?! Are you kidding?!
WIFE: No, I'm not, and I'm actually kinda surprised that you understand what that means. Nobody else seems to.
BOSS: No, I get it! She's withholding things from you! And it's not because of anything you did, but because she's punishing you for some made up reason.
WIFE: yeah, most people don't really get that.
BOSS: I get it! And I don't care what my kids have done or what their spouses have done, I'm still going to invite them to family vacations! I'm still going to call them up and ask them to come to dinner! Because we're family and we talk it through, even if we're fighting or mad at each other!
WIFE: Exactly.
BOSS: That's abuse.
WIFE: My husband would love you so much right now.
BOSS: I know that's a strong word to use, but that's just abusive.
WIFE: I really cringe at that word, because it is so strong, but my husband has used it for years now about this situation, and he still says it's abusive.
BOSS: Because it is.
WIFE: But nobody besides you two seems to see it. And there's nothing that can be done about it. I can't show a lawyer bruises, because they're not there. And I don't know how to explain it to people so they get it. So what I'm left with is the abuse that happens, and then everybody saying that it's okay. It's fine. That I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, or that I'm overreacting. All the men in my life, outside of my husband, have always sung that song: you're overreacting.
BOSS: I'm really sorry.
WIFE: So am I.
Now that we've identified the problem... how do we best move forward? How do we correct things? Are we able to correct things, and if we're not, how do we leave them be and keep moving forward without allowing them to hold us back?
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