You wanted to fly
I told you to try
As I reached out to help
But then you said no
Start stopping the go
And became everyone else
What's everyone else
Special sells
Til money melts you down
With everyone else
Where everyone else
Compiling faults
Pop smelling salts or drown
Like everyone else
Hate everyone else
Staring at you
Sharing a view of the ground
Everyone else
There's nothing new
One thing's special about everyone else
It once was u--nique
Now it's everyone else
All everyone else
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Tissue Castle
Daughter called Mother.
“My attorney advised me,” Daughter started, calmly, “to contact you and see if you were planning on testifying on my ex-husband’s behalf in our current custody case.”
“No,” Mother said, dryly, with her standard dramatic flourish, “I’m not planning on testifying at all. I’m going to be out of town when you go to court. And I felt really thrown under the bus the last time around.”
Of course, the “last time around” was when Daughter’s ex-husband listed Mother as a witness for him, and she was interviewed by the Guardian ad Litem, lawyer for the children, who had based her decision on Mother’s statements. None of those statements were officially contained in the Guardian ad Litem’s report. But the Guardian ad Litem had not made it a secret that Mother was the main reason why she had decided the case the way she had. From there, Daughter’s attorney stated that she might have to depose Mother. And from that statement, Mother and ex-husband stated that Daughter was attacking family members and threatening them. These statements, that Daughter was attacking family members and threatening them, were recorded officially. When Daughter’s attorney deposed ex-husband, he was asked if he understood that the statements about deposing Mother came solely from her and not from Daughter. He said he understood. She said that the only reason why she was being deposed was because Mother was on ex-husband’s witness list. He said he understood that. She asked him if he understood that, because of these two things, Daughter could not be considered to be making threats, as these were official legal actions taken in response to his witness list and had originated from the attorney, and not Daughter. Of course, ex-husband understood that. But he hadn’t said those things about Daughter because he thought they were truthful, or even because he thought they would help his case or his boys. He had said them to hurt Daughter. That’s always been his reason. To hurt Daughter. And when he told Mother that Daughter was attacking her, she believed him. She didn’t check on it. She didn’t think about it. She just believed him. He said Daughter was attacking her and threatening her, then it must be so. And even when attorney asked ex-husband if he understood that Daughter wasn’t attacking him, he didn’t straighten that out with Mother. He left her blindly believing that Daughter had attacked her. If he had gone to Mother and said that Daughter wasn’t actually attacking her, it would have lessened the tension between Mother and Daughter. And he would not be doing that. So Mother blindly believed him. And she continued to blindly believe the ridiculous story that she had been put on ex-husband’s witness list, and then Daughter had threatened and attacked her.
“Last time around, I was really thrown under the bus,” she repeated, coldly. She, too, was trying to hurt Daughter for all the things Daughter had done wrong. Of course, Mother couldn’t actually list anything that Daughter had done wrong. In all fairness, Daughter had not done anything wrong. But Mother didn’t like facts. Mother didn’t like thinking for herself. Mother operated on feelings, and her feelings told her that Daughter had thrown her under the bus.
“Okay,” Daughter responded, “but are you planning to testify on ex-husband’s behalf?”
“No. I’m going to be out of town when you go to court. Besides, I told you I wasn’t getting involved in all this. Why would you think I would testify on his behalf?”
“Well,” Daughter steadied herself, “my attorney told me that, while it hadn’t been officially reported, one of the deciding factors for the Guardian ad Litem was that you had told her that my ex-husband was a better parent than I am.”
There was a deep silence. The kind of silence you can feel. And within that silence, it was obvious that Mother had said those words: My Daughter is not as good a parent as her ex-husband, my ex-son-in-law. It was obvious by the lack of apology. It was obvious by the lack of shock. It was obvious by the extended silence. And it was obvious by the lie that calmly slid out of her mouth, ending the silence.
“I don’t remember saying those words,” Mother said.
And as Daughter said goodbye to her Mother, she knew that Mother did, in fact, remember saying those words. And Mother’s silence was because she was being confronted with words she had intended to be kept secret. Words that were supposed to be kept between her and the Guardian ad Litem. Words that should have been printed in an official report, but were kept secret, and were used as the biggest reason for that report being written with favorable words towards ex-husband. It’s impossible for Daughter to respond to allegations she doesn’t know exist. It’s impossible for Daughter to defend herself against things she doesn’t know have been said. It’s close to impossible for Daughter to win a case when that happens. And that’s why Mother had told the Guardian ad Litem to keep that secret. Those silent attacks were standard for Mother and ex-husband. The silent attacks are impossible to defend against because you don’t know where they’re coming from, how many things are being said, or what exactly is being said of you so there’s no way to know what to do or say as a response. All you know is you’re being attacked, and you will never know why, from whom, or what about. They are the attacks of cowards. The attacks of people who cannot attack you publicly, because everything they could say would wilt in the face of any kind of public scrutiny. So they are said as whispers, secrets. They are said under false intimacy. “I trust you enough to tell you this, that my Daughter isn’t fit to mother those boys. Her ex-husband is much better. And it pains me to say that about my own Daughter, but it’s true. Please don’t put that in your report. I wouldn’t want to hurt my Daughter. I am a loving Mother, after all.” You almost don’t even think about it when it’s said like that. Of course you’re going to keep that out of the report, because you don’t want to damage the relationship between Mother and Daughter. And of course you’re going to think horrible things about the Daughter, because it’s been left entirely to your imagination what Daughter could have possibly done to have her own Mother say she was not as fit as her ex-husband. And of course you’re not going to question Mother about it, because she’s upset that she has been forced to say these words against her own Daughter. And so, the investigation stops there. The report is based on words as thin as tissue paper. All you need to do is ask the simple question why—“why is Daughter not as fit as ex-husband?”—and the whole thing falls apart. But Why doesn’t get asked. And Why doesn’t go in the report. And so a report is based on empty words, said by an empty Mother, given to her by an ex-husband who is trying to hurt his ex-wife, her new husband, and his son because they are proof that he wasn’t the Perfect Father-Husband he had presented himself to be. They could even possibly be proof that he’s gay. And the more he bashes them into the ground, the more he bashes those unholy and indecent imperfections into places where people won’t look. And from that place of repression, ex-husband lashes out, fills Mother with thoughts she’s eager to believe, and Mother feeds them to the Guardian ad Litem, who writes a report stating that the father has done nothing wrong.
“I don’t remember saying those words.” The words seemed to echo in the emptiness that followed them. Daughter knew that Mother was lying. Daughter knew that Mother would continue to lie. And as she hung up the phone, Daughter knew the silent attacks would continue forever.
“My attorney advised me,” Daughter started, calmly, “to contact you and see if you were planning on testifying on my ex-husband’s behalf in our current custody case.”
“No,” Mother said, dryly, with her standard dramatic flourish, “I’m not planning on testifying at all. I’m going to be out of town when you go to court. And I felt really thrown under the bus the last time around.”
Of course, the “last time around” was when Daughter’s ex-husband listed Mother as a witness for him, and she was interviewed by the Guardian ad Litem, lawyer for the children, who had based her decision on Mother’s statements. None of those statements were officially contained in the Guardian ad Litem’s report. But the Guardian ad Litem had not made it a secret that Mother was the main reason why she had decided the case the way she had. From there, Daughter’s attorney stated that she might have to depose Mother. And from that statement, Mother and ex-husband stated that Daughter was attacking family members and threatening them. These statements, that Daughter was attacking family members and threatening them, were recorded officially. When Daughter’s attorney deposed ex-husband, he was asked if he understood that the statements about deposing Mother came solely from her and not from Daughter. He said he understood. She said that the only reason why she was being deposed was because Mother was on ex-husband’s witness list. He said he understood that. She asked him if he understood that, because of these two things, Daughter could not be considered to be making threats, as these were official legal actions taken in response to his witness list and had originated from the attorney, and not Daughter. Of course, ex-husband understood that. But he hadn’t said those things about Daughter because he thought they were truthful, or even because he thought they would help his case or his boys. He had said them to hurt Daughter. That’s always been his reason. To hurt Daughter. And when he told Mother that Daughter was attacking her, she believed him. She didn’t check on it. She didn’t think about it. She just believed him. He said Daughter was attacking her and threatening her, then it must be so. And even when attorney asked ex-husband if he understood that Daughter wasn’t attacking him, he didn’t straighten that out with Mother. He left her blindly believing that Daughter had attacked her. If he had gone to Mother and said that Daughter wasn’t actually attacking her, it would have lessened the tension between Mother and Daughter. And he would not be doing that. So Mother blindly believed him. And she continued to blindly believe the ridiculous story that she had been put on ex-husband’s witness list, and then Daughter had threatened and attacked her.
“Last time around, I was really thrown under the bus,” she repeated, coldly. She, too, was trying to hurt Daughter for all the things Daughter had done wrong. Of course, Mother couldn’t actually list anything that Daughter had done wrong. In all fairness, Daughter had not done anything wrong. But Mother didn’t like facts. Mother didn’t like thinking for herself. Mother operated on feelings, and her feelings told her that Daughter had thrown her under the bus.
“Okay,” Daughter responded, “but are you planning to testify on ex-husband’s behalf?”
“No. I’m going to be out of town when you go to court. Besides, I told you I wasn’t getting involved in all this. Why would you think I would testify on his behalf?”
“Well,” Daughter steadied herself, “my attorney told me that, while it hadn’t been officially reported, one of the deciding factors for the Guardian ad Litem was that you had told her that my ex-husband was a better parent than I am.”
There was a deep silence. The kind of silence you can feel. And within that silence, it was obvious that Mother had said those words: My Daughter is not as good a parent as her ex-husband, my ex-son-in-law. It was obvious by the lack of apology. It was obvious by the lack of shock. It was obvious by the extended silence. And it was obvious by the lie that calmly slid out of her mouth, ending the silence.
“I don’t remember saying those words,” Mother said.
And as Daughter said goodbye to her Mother, she knew that Mother did, in fact, remember saying those words. And Mother’s silence was because she was being confronted with words she had intended to be kept secret. Words that were supposed to be kept between her and the Guardian ad Litem. Words that should have been printed in an official report, but were kept secret, and were used as the biggest reason for that report being written with favorable words towards ex-husband. It’s impossible for Daughter to respond to allegations she doesn’t know exist. It’s impossible for Daughter to defend herself against things she doesn’t know have been said. It’s close to impossible for Daughter to win a case when that happens. And that’s why Mother had told the Guardian ad Litem to keep that secret. Those silent attacks were standard for Mother and ex-husband. The silent attacks are impossible to defend against because you don’t know where they’re coming from, how many things are being said, or what exactly is being said of you so there’s no way to know what to do or say as a response. All you know is you’re being attacked, and you will never know why, from whom, or what about. They are the attacks of cowards. The attacks of people who cannot attack you publicly, because everything they could say would wilt in the face of any kind of public scrutiny. So they are said as whispers, secrets. They are said under false intimacy. “I trust you enough to tell you this, that my Daughter isn’t fit to mother those boys. Her ex-husband is much better. And it pains me to say that about my own Daughter, but it’s true. Please don’t put that in your report. I wouldn’t want to hurt my Daughter. I am a loving Mother, after all.” You almost don’t even think about it when it’s said like that. Of course you’re going to keep that out of the report, because you don’t want to damage the relationship between Mother and Daughter. And of course you’re going to think horrible things about the Daughter, because it’s been left entirely to your imagination what Daughter could have possibly done to have her own Mother say she was not as fit as her ex-husband. And of course you’re not going to question Mother about it, because she’s upset that she has been forced to say these words against her own Daughter. And so, the investigation stops there. The report is based on words as thin as tissue paper. All you need to do is ask the simple question why—“why is Daughter not as fit as ex-husband?”—and the whole thing falls apart. But Why doesn’t get asked. And Why doesn’t go in the report. And so a report is based on empty words, said by an empty Mother, given to her by an ex-husband who is trying to hurt his ex-wife, her new husband, and his son because they are proof that he wasn’t the Perfect Father-Husband he had presented himself to be. They could even possibly be proof that he’s gay. And the more he bashes them into the ground, the more he bashes those unholy and indecent imperfections into places where people won’t look. And from that place of repression, ex-husband lashes out, fills Mother with thoughts she’s eager to believe, and Mother feeds them to the Guardian ad Litem, who writes a report stating that the father has done nothing wrong.
“I don’t remember saying those words.” The words seemed to echo in the emptiness that followed them. Daughter knew that Mother was lying. Daughter knew that Mother would continue to lie. And as she hung up the phone, Daughter knew the silent attacks would continue forever.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Trying To Find a Healthy Focus
I went on Facebook today and saw that one of my friends had a good weekend, so I checked out his page to see if I could find out more about his good weekend. I always want to hear more about good things. What I found on his page, in the “About” section that tells a little about the person, was the following:
Seeking my Joy in the Jesus of the Bible.
My purpose in life is to glorify God BY enjoying Him forever.
The entire point of the Bible is the cross. There is much misunderstanding regarding what the Gospel is. It only makes sense, however, when we know what the bad news is.
The bad news is that by nature and choice we are sinners- we aren’t good people who do bad things, we are bad people. That’s why we do bad things. (See Matthew 7 where Jesus talks about good trees bearing good fruit and bad trees bearing bad fruit.) We have committed cosmic treason against the God who is the judge of all the earth, upholding everything by the word of His power. Since we have shown our rebellion and hatred against such an awesome and just God, we rightly deserve equal punishment. That is Hell. I should be under the wrath of God right now because I’ve sinned against Him my entire life.
The Good News: YHWH God looks at us and sees us in our sin and says, “Yes, you deserve my wrath, but I’m going to choose to love you in spite of that. So I will send my son to bear the punishment that you deserve.” Because of this He can still be “just [it wouldn’t be just to let the guilty go unpunished] and the justifier of the ungodly.” Jesus takes the full wrath of all Christians past, present, & future on the cross Himself for our sake. And because He lived a perfect life only ever doing what the Father asked Him, the pain and death of the God-man, Jesus, was more than valuable enough to pay our sin-debt. It was shown that this was acceptable when He came back to life 3 days later, and now sits at the right hand of the God Father, as The Sacrificial Lamb, our advocate before Him, the Prophet, Priest, and King. We will all physically rise again from death when He returns very soon and we will either be judged by our own deeds or by His perfect life.
I am committed to [the name of his church]. My aim is to see my grandchildren hearing the word of God there and serving. They are a community that is very genuine, very messy, and very much relying on Jesus as their righteousness and hope in all things.
So, being the kind of guy I am, I looked up Matthew 7... cuz that seemed like the first place to start. After all, there was a lot to digest, and being a sinner, I wanted to see how, by "nature and choice" I was a sinner and how, hopefully by choice, I could stop. I started with Matthew 7:17. The New International Version of the Bible has Matthew 7:17 reading, “Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit.” English Standard Version of the Bible reads, “So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit.” International Standard Version: “In the same way, every good tree produces good fruit, but a rotten tree produces bad fruit.” King James Bible (Cambridge Ed.): “Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.” American King James Version: “Even so every good tree brings forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree brings forth evil fruit.” Darby Bible Translation: “So every good tree produces good fruits, but the worthless tree produces bad fruits.” Weymouth New Testament: “Just so every good tree produces good fruit, but a poisonous tree produces bad fruit.” Young’s Literal Translation: “so every good tree doth yield good fruits, but the bad tree doth yield evil fruits.” And, last but not least, Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary regarding Matthew 7:15-20: “Nothing so much prevents men from entering the strait gate, and becoming true followers of Christ, as the carnal, soothing, flattering doctrines of those who oppose the truth. They may be known by the drift and effects of their doctrines. Some part of their temper and conduct is contrary to the mind of Christ. Those opinions come not from God that lead to sin.”
With so many translations… how does anybody know what is “contrary to the mind of Christ”? What language did Christ speak in, anyway?! The Language of Confusion?! And how do you get that we’re ALL bad trees from any of that?? Looks like, if I produce good/unevil/unpoisonous/unworthless/healthy/undiseased fruit, I would be considered a good/healthy/worthwhile/unpoisonous tree. Those who produce evil fruit—incidentally, what is evil fruit? Is that a pear that keeps kicking you in the balls, even though you ask it not to? Or maybe a watermelon who keeps prank-calling your mom and telling her you’re dead? Just thoughts on the nature of Evil Fruit. Let’s continue—those who produce evil fruit are then evil. Doesn’t say EVERYBODY produces evil fruit. Just those who do. So… maybe some people aren’t evil trees?
I have an issue with the thoughts that I was born a sinner. Okay, maybe I choose to be a sinner, I can get behind that. But being born a sinner is really hard for me, because that, then, says that there is a god who made me evil before I came out. Who the fuck does that? What kind of god makes his creations evil? That’s just dumb. Really. Dumb. But the dumbness doesn’t stop there. This god, who created me evil so that I don’t even have a choice about it, says that he loves me despite the evil that I cannot help. Of course he does! It’s his fault! He created me evil, and then for him to say, “Fuck you, I don’t give a shit about you because you’re evil,” is a real dick move. But the story gets better. This god cannot remove my evil, I guess because that’s beyond him. He can’t even say that I’m forgiven for him putting the evil in me, because that’s beyond him, too. He MUST punish me for something he did to me, otherwise he wouldn’t be “just” (WTF??!!). "I'm gonna punish you because you're exactly the way I made you, you fucker." So the way he punishes me, is to send his son to my planet, kill his son, and then I’m fully punished for that which I had no control over and now I can go to heaven. Somebody else got spanked because I was created evil. And that's the kind of punishment I can expect from this loving god: when I do something, he'll crucify somebody who isn't me, and it's preferable if it's his kid. It’s like telling your kid, “I know you took the cookies, so I’m gonna kill your sister, and then you will be forgiven.” Or maybe it’s like, “I know you guys over here in Afganistan flew planes into the World Trade Center, so I’m going to declare war on Iraq, and then you’ll be forgiven!” What kind of sick, twisted story is this?? It’s stupidity rolled in a tortilla of willful ignorance, wrapped around cheesy denial and the succulent morsels of lightly seasoned inability to think beyond what you’re told. It’s the Religion Burrito and it tastes like terrorism, apocalypse and Armageddon. And it wouldn’t be so bad, if only I could just remove myself from the same place as these people. You go ahead and believe your wackiness, I’ll just go over here where your uninformed thoughts can’t hurt me or my family. Except there is no place where my family is safe! We're all trapped on this planet that these nutfuckers wanna see end so they can sit next to their perfect Man-God and have a giant circle-jerk and gargle his holy cum.
And right after reading that, I read about how the Oklahoma State Representative Mark McCullough announced plans to file legislation that will allow teachers and principals certified by the Council on Law Enforcement Education and Training (CLEET) to carry firearms at school and at school events. You know, to keep kids and teachers safe from the nuts carrying guns at schools and school events. More Jesus cum gargle, but now it's in the veil of carrying guns so that we can be protected from guns. I know when I want to avoid being bitten by a snake I carry two of them on my hips. Sound Reasoning. And now I've got a mouthful of Jesus Juice. Delish and mind-numbing!
When do I get to get off this crazy Ferris wheel? It’s all just so overwhelming sometimes. So little thought, and so much idiocy.
Gotta do what I tell my 16-year-old: focus on positives.
What’s positive? Gotta focus on the positive or get washed away with negatives.
1. I’m married to my best friend, my dream girl, my high school sweetheart, and my soul mate.
2. I have food in my belly and a roof over my head.
3. I have a working car that gets me around town nicely.
4. I have an iPod that I love carrying with me so that I can listen to my music whenever I want.
5. I have a supportive and great family.
6. I have performed in 3 shows this past weekend that were really well received.
7. I got to drink beer last night, and I didn’t wake up with any kind of hangover at all!
8. I’m about to get almost a week off from work for the Christmas holiday.
That’s pretty good. Right?
Ima focus on that.
Ima TRY to focus on that.
Seeking my Joy in the Jesus of the Bible.
My purpose in life is to glorify God BY enjoying Him forever.
The entire point of the Bible is the cross. There is much misunderstanding regarding what the Gospel is. It only makes sense, however, when we know what the bad news is.
The bad news is that by nature and choice we are sinners- we aren’t good people who do bad things, we are bad people. That’s why we do bad things. (See Matthew 7 where Jesus talks about good trees bearing good fruit and bad trees bearing bad fruit.) We have committed cosmic treason against the God who is the judge of all the earth, upholding everything by the word of His power. Since we have shown our rebellion and hatred against such an awesome and just God, we rightly deserve equal punishment. That is Hell. I should be under the wrath of God right now because I’ve sinned against Him my entire life.
The Good News: YHWH God looks at us and sees us in our sin and says, “Yes, you deserve my wrath, but I’m going to choose to love you in spite of that. So I will send my son to bear the punishment that you deserve.” Because of this He can still be “just [it wouldn’t be just to let the guilty go unpunished] and the justifier of the ungodly.” Jesus takes the full wrath of all Christians past, present, & future on the cross Himself for our sake. And because He lived a perfect life only ever doing what the Father asked Him, the pain and death of the God-man, Jesus, was more than valuable enough to pay our sin-debt. It was shown that this was acceptable when He came back to life 3 days later, and now sits at the right hand of the God Father, as The Sacrificial Lamb, our advocate before Him, the Prophet, Priest, and King. We will all physically rise again from death when He returns very soon and we will either be judged by our own deeds or by His perfect life.
I am committed to [the name of his church]. My aim is to see my grandchildren hearing the word of God there and serving. They are a community that is very genuine, very messy, and very much relying on Jesus as their righteousness and hope in all things.
So, being the kind of guy I am, I looked up Matthew 7... cuz that seemed like the first place to start. After all, there was a lot to digest, and being a sinner, I wanted to see how, by "nature and choice" I was a sinner and how, hopefully by choice, I could stop. I started with Matthew 7:17. The New International Version of the Bible has Matthew 7:17 reading, “Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit.” English Standard Version of the Bible reads, “So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit.” International Standard Version: “In the same way, every good tree produces good fruit, but a rotten tree produces bad fruit.” King James Bible (Cambridge Ed.): “Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.” American King James Version: “Even so every good tree brings forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree brings forth evil fruit.” Darby Bible Translation: “So every good tree produces good fruits, but the worthless tree produces bad fruits.” Weymouth New Testament: “Just so every good tree produces good fruit, but a poisonous tree produces bad fruit.” Young’s Literal Translation: “so every good tree doth yield good fruits, but the bad tree doth yield evil fruits.” And, last but not least, Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary regarding Matthew 7:15-20: “Nothing so much prevents men from entering the strait gate, and becoming true followers of Christ, as the carnal, soothing, flattering doctrines of those who oppose the truth. They may be known by the drift and effects of their doctrines. Some part of their temper and conduct is contrary to the mind of Christ. Those opinions come not from God that lead to sin.”
With so many translations… how does anybody know what is “contrary to the mind of Christ”? What language did Christ speak in, anyway?! The Language of Confusion?! And how do you get that we’re ALL bad trees from any of that?? Looks like, if I produce good/unevil/unpoisonous/unworthless/healthy/undiseased fruit, I would be considered a good/healthy/worthwhile/unpoisonous tree. Those who produce evil fruit—incidentally, what is evil fruit? Is that a pear that keeps kicking you in the balls, even though you ask it not to? Or maybe a watermelon who keeps prank-calling your mom and telling her you’re dead? Just thoughts on the nature of Evil Fruit. Let’s continue—those who produce evil fruit are then evil. Doesn’t say EVERYBODY produces evil fruit. Just those who do. So… maybe some people aren’t evil trees?
I have an issue with the thoughts that I was born a sinner. Okay, maybe I choose to be a sinner, I can get behind that. But being born a sinner is really hard for me, because that, then, says that there is a god who made me evil before I came out. Who the fuck does that? What kind of god makes his creations evil? That’s just dumb. Really. Dumb. But the dumbness doesn’t stop there. This god, who created me evil so that I don’t even have a choice about it, says that he loves me despite the evil that I cannot help. Of course he does! It’s his fault! He created me evil, and then for him to say, “Fuck you, I don’t give a shit about you because you’re evil,” is a real dick move. But the story gets better. This god cannot remove my evil, I guess because that’s beyond him. He can’t even say that I’m forgiven for him putting the evil in me, because that’s beyond him, too. He MUST punish me for something he did to me, otherwise he wouldn’t be “just” (WTF??!!). "I'm gonna punish you because you're exactly the way I made you, you fucker." So the way he punishes me, is to send his son to my planet, kill his son, and then I’m fully punished for that which I had no control over and now I can go to heaven. Somebody else got spanked because I was created evil. And that's the kind of punishment I can expect from this loving god: when I do something, he'll crucify somebody who isn't me, and it's preferable if it's his kid. It’s like telling your kid, “I know you took the cookies, so I’m gonna kill your sister, and then you will be forgiven.” Or maybe it’s like, “I know you guys over here in Afganistan flew planes into the World Trade Center, so I’m going to declare war on Iraq, and then you’ll be forgiven!” What kind of sick, twisted story is this?? It’s stupidity rolled in a tortilla of willful ignorance, wrapped around cheesy denial and the succulent morsels of lightly seasoned inability to think beyond what you’re told. It’s the Religion Burrito and it tastes like terrorism, apocalypse and Armageddon. And it wouldn’t be so bad, if only I could just remove myself from the same place as these people. You go ahead and believe your wackiness, I’ll just go over here where your uninformed thoughts can’t hurt me or my family. Except there is no place where my family is safe! We're all trapped on this planet that these nutfuckers wanna see end so they can sit next to their perfect Man-God and have a giant circle-jerk and gargle his holy cum.
And right after reading that, I read about how the Oklahoma State Representative Mark McCullough announced plans to file legislation that will allow teachers and principals certified by the Council on Law Enforcement Education and Training (CLEET) to carry firearms at school and at school events. You know, to keep kids and teachers safe from the nuts carrying guns at schools and school events. More Jesus cum gargle, but now it's in the veil of carrying guns so that we can be protected from guns. I know when I want to avoid being bitten by a snake I carry two of them on my hips. Sound Reasoning. And now I've got a mouthful of Jesus Juice. Delish and mind-numbing!
When do I get to get off this crazy Ferris wheel? It’s all just so overwhelming sometimes. So little thought, and so much idiocy.
Gotta do what I tell my 16-year-old: focus on positives.
What’s positive? Gotta focus on the positive or get washed away with negatives.
1. I’m married to my best friend, my dream girl, my high school sweetheart, and my soul mate.
2. I have food in my belly and a roof over my head.
3. I have a working car that gets me around town nicely.
4. I have an iPod that I love carrying with me so that I can listen to my music whenever I want.
5. I have a supportive and great family.
6. I have performed in 3 shows this past weekend that were really well received.
7. I got to drink beer last night, and I didn’t wake up with any kind of hangover at all!
8. I’m about to get almost a week off from work for the Christmas holiday.
That’s pretty good. Right?
Ima focus on that.
Ima TRY to focus on that.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Happy 12/12/12!!
Happy 12/12/12!!
The next time this will happen (month, day and year are all the same number) is on 1/1/3001. I don't plan on being alive then. But you never know.
At twelve minutes after noon today, it will be twelve twleve on twelve twelve twelve.
If you type the word "twelve" a lot, it starts to not look like a word anymore.
Happy Twelve Twelve Twelve!
The next time this will happen (month, day and year are all the same number) is on 1/1/3001. I don't plan on being alive then. But you never know.
At twelve minutes after noon today, it will be twelve twleve on twelve twelve twelve.
If you type the word "twelve" a lot, it starts to not look like a word anymore.
Happy Twelve Twelve Twelve!
Monday, December 10, 2012
Trying To Make It Clear For Me
A few days ago, I asked my mother and step-father if they would be willing to testify that my wife's 16-year-old son has shown improvement in his school work and life since living full time with his mother. Both of them were very quick to answer yes, they would do that.
I told my wife, and as we talked about it for a moment, she said something about how my parent's ease and eagerness to help was a telling sign about my wife's mother. I asked her what she meant. She said, "My mom told me that she wouldn't testify." I quickly snapped, "Your mother's a liar and can't be trusted. And I can almost guarantee that she's going to testify against you." My wife stayed calm as she tried to get me to understand her point. "Your parents were quick to say that they would help me. My own mother was quick to say that she wasn't going to get involved. And she only said that after I found out that she had said my ex was a better parent than me."
There have been some moments recently that hang a weight on the air around a certain thought, like the whole world has just gotten a little heavier, and it's a little harder to stand upright. When my wife explained those thoughts about her mother, that's what happened. It was like I was breathing a thickness that coated my lungs and made even normal breaths laborious.
It's difficult to describe how lucky you feel when you know you had a good mother raising you. And as a kid, it doesn't happen much. With me, it happened slowly over the course of my life. As a child, I probably didn't think much of it. As a teen, my mother became very valuable to me, constantly supporting me, even at times when she couldn't rescue me or when it was more helpful for me to deal with the consequences of my actions on my own. And the older I get, and the more I see of what the world is, the more I get a better understanding of what kind of tremendous gift I was given with my mother. I would like to share her with everyone, so that everyone can know what it's like to have somebody as truly excellent as she is. I'm very fortunate that I get to share her with my wife and our boys.
And at the same time, I wish I could go back and give somebody like my mother to my wife. Cuts heal, but the scars they leave stay forever if the cut is deep enough. Having a mother tell a lawyer that your abusive ex-husband is a better parent than you are is a pretty deep cut. Especially when there is no reason for that statement. Absolutely none. An abusive ex-husband and an abusive mother, and one endless battle, where one side is trying to care for the children involved, and the other side is actively trying to hurt as many people as possible, even the children.
Why in the world are we still going through this?
And how do I help my wife understand and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that her mother and her ex-husband are completely and totally wrong? And even after she knows that, how in the world do I help her heal?
I told my wife, and as we talked about it for a moment, she said something about how my parent's ease and eagerness to help was a telling sign about my wife's mother. I asked her what she meant. She said, "My mom told me that she wouldn't testify." I quickly snapped, "Your mother's a liar and can't be trusted. And I can almost guarantee that she's going to testify against you." My wife stayed calm as she tried to get me to understand her point. "Your parents were quick to say that they would help me. My own mother was quick to say that she wasn't going to get involved. And she only said that after I found out that she had said my ex was a better parent than me."
There have been some moments recently that hang a weight on the air around a certain thought, like the whole world has just gotten a little heavier, and it's a little harder to stand upright. When my wife explained those thoughts about her mother, that's what happened. It was like I was breathing a thickness that coated my lungs and made even normal breaths laborious.
It's difficult to describe how lucky you feel when you know you had a good mother raising you. And as a kid, it doesn't happen much. With me, it happened slowly over the course of my life. As a child, I probably didn't think much of it. As a teen, my mother became very valuable to me, constantly supporting me, even at times when she couldn't rescue me or when it was more helpful for me to deal with the consequences of my actions on my own. And the older I get, and the more I see of what the world is, the more I get a better understanding of what kind of tremendous gift I was given with my mother. I would like to share her with everyone, so that everyone can know what it's like to have somebody as truly excellent as she is. I'm very fortunate that I get to share her with my wife and our boys.
And at the same time, I wish I could go back and give somebody like my mother to my wife. Cuts heal, but the scars they leave stay forever if the cut is deep enough. Having a mother tell a lawyer that your abusive ex-husband is a better parent than you are is a pretty deep cut. Especially when there is no reason for that statement. Absolutely none. An abusive ex-husband and an abusive mother, and one endless battle, where one side is trying to care for the children involved, and the other side is actively trying to hurt as many people as possible, even the children.
Why in the world are we still going through this?
And how do I help my wife understand and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that her mother and her ex-husband are completely and totally wrong? And even after she knows that, how in the world do I help her heal?
Serenity Please
There is only so much I can do.
There is only so much stress I can accommodate.
There is only so much that I can worry.
About everything.
Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Please grant me the serenity.
There is only so much stress I can accommodate.
There is only so much that I can worry.
About everything.
Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Please grant me the serenity.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
don't like this
don't like this
and not sure what's happening to me
not sure why i can't get it all out
and continue
not able to focus, think about anything, see straight
not sure why
don't like it
not sure what to do
and not sure why it came about all day today.
just a build up of everything?
anxiety attack over the course of 10 hours?
prolonged... something?
i can't do something
it doesn't all make sense to me
and not sure what's happening to me
not sure why i can't get it all out
and continue
not able to focus, think about anything, see straight
not sure why
don't like it
not sure what to do
and not sure why it came about all day today.
just a build up of everything?
anxiety attack over the course of 10 hours?
prolonged... something?
i can't do something
it doesn't all make sense to me
can't think straight
just can't even think straight
superball life dashing in my skull
feel like i keep falling down steps
and falling down steps
superball life dashing in my skull
feel like i keep falling down steps
and falling down steps
treading
i sit here and feel lost
feel like i could use some help
but don't know who to ask to help me
because i don't really know what's wrong with me
except a whole bunch of stuff
piled on top
so i don't reach out
as i don't know who to reach to
and i don't know what to ask for
except some kind of help
all kinds of help
just struggling in it all today
all feeling really, really heavy
and i'm feeling really, really tired
like i've been treading water for years and just want a break
or the shore
or a floaty
something
but i keep treading water without help
and i keep treading so that i don't drown
but it's so exhausting
feel like i could use some help
but don't know who to ask to help me
because i don't really know what's wrong with me
except a whole bunch of stuff
piled on top
so i don't reach out
as i don't know who to reach to
and i don't know what to ask for
except some kind of help
all kinds of help
just struggling in it all today
all feeling really, really heavy
and i'm feeling really, really tired
like i've been treading water for years and just want a break
or the shore
or a floaty
something
but i keep treading water without help
and i keep treading so that i don't drown
but it's so exhausting
Not Logging Absences
A kid gets sick and is taken out of school.
He goes to the doctor, gets medicine, gets better.
Mom takes a doctor's note to the school to show that kid went to the doctor.
Absence is, therefore, excused.
But the doctor note isn't logged properly.
Who knows why.
It just wasn't.
So kid gets sick again. Doesn't go to school. Because that's what you do when you're sick.
The school automatically generates a letter because he's had too many unexcused absences.
Mom calls the school, and finds out the doctor's notes weren't properly logged.
She needs to take them back.
She sends all this information to her ex-husband, who is suing her for sole custody of their children.
She sends all this information to her attorney, who has an intense conversation with her about this.
She anticipates this being used against her and her children.
She anticipates the ex will make an issue of it.
She anticipates the ex's attorney will make an issue of it.
They have in the past.
Why would they change now?
It's not about the kid's education and if he's doing well.
It's not about the kid's health and if he's feeling better.
It's about the failings of the mother and why the kid shouldn't be with her.
And the fight intensifies.
For the wrong reasons.
About the wrong issues.
And the kid gets sidelined again.
This. Is. Too. Much.
It is wrong.
He goes to the doctor, gets medicine, gets better.
Mom takes a doctor's note to the school to show that kid went to the doctor.
Absence is, therefore, excused.
But the doctor note isn't logged properly.
Who knows why.
It just wasn't.
So kid gets sick again. Doesn't go to school. Because that's what you do when you're sick.
The school automatically generates a letter because he's had too many unexcused absences.
Mom calls the school, and finds out the doctor's notes weren't properly logged.
She needs to take them back.
She sends all this information to her ex-husband, who is suing her for sole custody of their children.
She sends all this information to her attorney, who has an intense conversation with her about this.
She anticipates this being used against her and her children.
She anticipates the ex will make an issue of it.
She anticipates the ex's attorney will make an issue of it.
They have in the past.
Why would they change now?
It's not about the kid's education and if he's doing well.
It's not about the kid's health and if he's feeling better.
It's about the failings of the mother and why the kid shouldn't be with her.
And the fight intensifies.
For the wrong reasons.
About the wrong issues.
And the kid gets sidelined again.
This. Is. Too. Much.
It is wrong.
little shits
i hate him and i hate him and i hate her and i hate him and i hate her. i hate them all who stench around me and i hate me for caring about that miserable bile. and i hate hating and hate beering and i hate thinking about what i'm going to say when i hate him. and i hate tired and i hate sleep and i hate tv and i hate money and i hate politics and i hate money and i hate money and i hate not having money. and i hate the knocks in my car and i hate my hair and i hate my lack of hair and i hate my fat and i hate my sedentary and i hate what i've become and i hate where i'm going and i hate the people around me and i hate the people who continue to attack and i hate the backwards and i hate the exposed and i hate the worms who crawl and exploit those who dare to stand. and i hate those who acted surprised and i hate those who judge and i hate those who are insecure and paranoid and fearful and shy and sad and miserable and mewling. and i hate faces and people and music that doesn't fulfill. and i hate spelling and rules and people who correct funner. and i hate people who make rules like shrimp fork and pinky out. and i hate exclusionaries and those who empower exclusionaries. and i hate prenteses and fake and misdirection and deception. and i hate business and finances and mandatory meetings and intentional complexities and rules that prevent assistance from being applied. and i hate what we are as people. and i hate what we've built and what we value. and i hate all the people who don't think about it and make it stronger through their ignorance. and i hate the people who remain willfully ignorant. and i hate the people who encourage ignorance and profit from mass stupidity. and i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate. and i rage and rage and rage in my silent cube with nowhere to go and nothing in the future and all i've got is a singular focus on 5:50ish, pushing everything else out of my mind to the detriment of everything else. fucking people. fucking person. it's not worth all this. it's just not worth it. you're not worth it. and he's not worth it. and she's not worth it. and fuck off. all of you. just fuck the right off. and fucking fuck yourself for denying your own growth. for saying no to yourself. and then asking me to help you. you help you. you get over it. i've given you the path and i've shown you the door. now step through it where i'm waiting for you. and let yourself cry and be scared and terrified of that which you can't even verbalize yet and while you're there keep walking towards me unless you want the fear to consume you and win and then for the rest of your life you'll be asking people for help and they will all eventually come to the same answer "let go" which you won't hear and you won't do because you start with "that won't work". "i'm boring". go fuck yourself. and fuck your older married man. and fuck your business and doorbell and insurance and all your congealed failure wrapped in a success box that people marvel at and say things like "you must really know what you're doing". i am not the only one who sees you, but others with eyes like mine are few and far between and our numbers are not dense enough to change your behavior or make you realize what a fake you really are. you pathetic, sniveling fuckstain. you snack on fecal flecks in your boxers. you're a zit. you've grown because you're an infection. and the other infections don't want you to fall because that might signal that they, too, have been created by the body's need to get rid of them. you little shit. all of you. little. shits. on my dinner plate.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Wardrobe Thoughts
If I could, I would probably incorporate a more regular use of the bandana in my everyday wardrobe.
I would probably wear one on my head regularly. Either in the longer-tail-coming-out-the-back fashion, or as a headband. Think Brett Michaels, Compton gangsta, or Johnny Depp's Jack Sparrow.
I would probably wear one around my wrist, tied tightly without dangling ends.
I would also like to use torn fleece more, like long-sleeved sweatshirt with the sleeves torn off to make them short-sleeved or sleeveless.
I would probably wear bandanas dangling out of the back pocket of my jeans, too. Like The Boss on the Born In The U.S.A. album cover, except exchange the red ball cap for a bandana. I would need to start wearing jeans to make this happen, too. Well, on second thought, maybe I just like the jeans. Maybe they could be ripped a little.
I would like to say that I would wear fingerless gloves more. But I wouldn't. I did that in the 80s. Liked it for a moment. That moment has passed. It would appear that I have arrived at this moment: Gansta GlamRock Pirate Flashdancer.
Or maybe I'll just wear what Michael Jackson wore, circa 1984. That shit was dope.
I would probably wear one on my head regularly. Either in the longer-tail-coming-out-the-back fashion, or as a headband. Think Brett Michaels, Compton gangsta, or Johnny Depp's Jack Sparrow.
I would probably wear one around my wrist, tied tightly without dangling ends.
I would also like to use torn fleece more, like long-sleeved sweatshirt with the sleeves torn off to make them short-sleeved or sleeveless.
I would probably wear bandanas dangling out of the back pocket of my jeans, too. Like The Boss on the Born In The U.S.A. album cover, except exchange the red ball cap for a bandana. I would need to start wearing jeans to make this happen, too. Well, on second thought, maybe I just like the jeans. Maybe they could be ripped a little.
I would like to say that I would wear fingerless gloves more. But I wouldn't. I did that in the 80s. Liked it for a moment. That moment has passed. It would appear that I have arrived at this moment: Gansta GlamRock Pirate Flashdancer.
Or maybe I'll just wear what Michael Jackson wore, circa 1984. That shit was dope.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Here we go again...
Another law suit.
Another sole custody case.
The ex is filing for sole custody stating that the mother, my wife, isn't trying to co-parent.
The exact opposite is true.
But that doesn't stop the case from proceeding.
So...
Our new attorney, our super-expensive attorney, who we hired to try to stop all this, calls my wife.
And my wife comes away from the conversation feeling attacked.
He pointedly asks her why she didn't tell him information on the guardian ad litem's report.
From the previous case.
That she has tried to move past.
He had a phone call with the guardian ad litem, who told him that my wife's mother had stated that the Ex would be a better parent than my wife.
My wife tries to explain that our previous attorney had tried to get to the bottom of this, and neither the guardian ad litem nor the attorney for the Ex said that my wife's mother had said such a thing.
If it was the case that the guardian ad litem had based her report based on my wife's mother stating that the father would make a better parent, we didn't have that information. We had been told my wife's mother had spoken highly of the father, and that he hadn't done anything wrong. But no one would say that she stated that the father was the BETTER parent.
So as she's being grilled about this, again, my wife gets to go through these thoughts, again:
I didn't handle my divorce correctly in the first place.
My ex continues to abuse my children, and I feel partly responsible for that.
My mother continues to abuse my children, and I feel partly responsible for that.
I tried to do what's best, always, and it always turns out to be "the wrong thing".
My first attorney made me feel dumb by pointing out my shortcomings and failures.
"You should have gotten an attorney."
"You should have been represented."
"You should behave in different ways that you have been behaving."
"You should let your ex-husband take advantage of you and your children."
My second attorney made me feel dumb by pointing out my shortcomings and failures.
Replay quotes from above.
The guardian ad litem made me feel dumb by pointing out my shortcomings and failures.
Replay quotes.
My ex's attorney makes me feel dumb by pointing out my shortcomings and failures, as well as compounds issues by lying.
My ex continues to make me feel dumb and exploit these feelings, as well as lies continuously.
My own mother has turned against me and believes that I shouldn't mother my children.
Maybe my own mother was never on my side to begin with.
What kind of a person am I who doesn't have the support of my own mother?
And now my current attorney is making me feel dumb by reminding me of my shortcomings and failures, especially the one about my mother thinking I'm a bad mother.
And even though I cannot clearly give any examples of how I have behaved like a bad person, a bad daughter, a bad wife, or a bad mother, everyone tells me this is so.
Everyone.
Except my current husband, his mother, and his step-father.
Three people against the Rest Of The World.
So either I am right along with these three other people, or the rest of the world is right.
And the weight of the rest of the world is overwhelming.
And this weight makes me feel like I must be a bad parent, daughter, wife, and person.
At the time, no one claimed that my wife's mother had said that the father was the better parent.
Or maybe it just wasn't material.
It's hard to recall why, exactly, she hadn't held on to that piece of information.
At one time, did my mother say that my ex was a better parent than I am? I remember that my attorney hadn't made a big deal out of it, and I remember reading an email asking the guardian ad litem and the opposing attorney for information as to if my mother had said that I wasn't a good mother. I didn't think my mother had said that. I can't remember if she did or not. Or maybe it was a letter from my attorney...
And as my wife is trying to remember why she had put that piece of information out of her mind, our current attorney seemingly attacks her, saying that this IS an important piece of information.
And then she starts feeling like everything she did before was wrong, and she is wrong, and all of this ON TOP OF her mother saying that she's wrong.
And she starts to cry as she responds to our attorney, trying to tell him what she remembers.
And he tells her to stop crying, that the court won't take kindly to this behavior.
And then he continues to prepare her case.
And when she relates all of this to me, she admits, through the tears, that she guesses she's happy that he's on our side, making me feel like our attorney is still a good choice. But despite that, it's tremendously difficult to remember why you forgot that your mother doesn't approve of you. And then to remember that your mother doesn't approve of you. And to know that every move you make is wrong:
If you don't talk to your mother, you're not making an effort to maintain a relationship with her.
If you do talk with your mother, you give her information she will later use against you as she continues to try to prevent you from seeing your children.
And the reason?
I don't think my wife's mother even knows why she doesn't approve of my wife.
Somewhere in the reasons that get thrown around are her marriage to me, something about how she didn't handle her grandmother's illness and death appropriately (according to her mother), something about how she didn't handle her brother's illness and death appropriately (according to her mother), and something about how she didn't handle her father's illness and death appropriately (according to her mother). Maybe something about how she didn't ask her parents for permission before she got divorced.
But what gets said is that my wife isn't a good mother.
What doesnt' get said is that this statement is based on my wife going to the hospital to care for her grandmother, and when she had said goodbye, she left.
Then, my wife informed her parents she was getting divorced.
Then, she went to the hospital and took care of her brother, including bedside care while he convulsed without consciousness, while her parents were out of the state. And she did this for them for several days.
Then, she stayed with her father, and cared for him as best she could, including sleeping in his room with him overnight and being in the room with him as he gasped his final breaths.
And because she does all of this caring for her family-- or maybe in spite of all of this caring--
She gets to answer questions as to why her mother thinks her abusive ex-husband would make a better parent and why her mother would say that.
And she gets to tell the story, all over again, of how she honestly doesn't know how or why her mother is behaving like she is.
Which doesn't make my wife come off like a beacon of information.
Which doesn't help her case at all.
And she knows that.
And has one more thing to feel wrong about.
I try to step back, as best as I can, and look at this.
And what I see is a good mother, a good wife, a good friend, and a good person.
I see her getting attacked as a child by parents who wanted her to be something she wasn't.
And even though she tried to be what they wanted, they attacked her for not being "perfect".
For not getting good enough grades.
For not dating the right boys.
For not having the right interests.
And they continued to attack her into college, where she wanted to be an artist. She wanted to study art.
They attacked her and said that she couldn't study art.
So she dropped out of school, because she had no interest in being who they wanted her to be.
And she got attacked because she got pregnant with a man she wasn't married to.
She was paraded in front of her church and removed from her leadership position until she admitted her sin. Her Wrong.
And she was attacked for not waxing her mother's car while she was pregnant.
While she was sick with pregnancy.
And she was attacked for putting balloons on the getaway car at her wedding.
And she was attacked for wanting her husband's attentions.
Attacked for wanting his help parenting their children.
Attacked for trying to make her marriage work.
Attacked for ending her marriage.
Attacked for not getting an attorney.
Attacked for allowing her ex-husband to keep the house that her children felt comfortable in.
Attacked for speaking her mind about all these attacks.
Attacked for talking with her folks about her feelings.
Attacked for trying to work on that relationship.
Attacked for trying to get what she had agreed to in her initial divorce decree.
Attacked by her ex-husband, her former friends, and her parents.
Almost without mercy.
Without end.
Seemingly endless attacks.
And then February 2012 happens.
And there is another signed legal agreement.
And for nine months, she starts to feel like the attacks have stopped.
She is able to focus on her family.
On her kids' smiles.
On her husband's love.
On the love from her in-laws.
On helping her children navigate life, and school, and braces, and puberty, and living in a divorced home where mother and father were constantly fighting, but for the moment have stopped.
She can focus on everything that is worth focusing on.
And then she is attacked again.
For no reason.
Again.
Just for being.
Again.
And she accepts the help of her family, even though she wants to be independent.
Because she just wants it to stop.
She wants the attacking to stop.
But it resumes.
Just like before.
And she feels attacked from her attorney,
just like before,
even though she feels he's probably doing his job.
She Still Feels Attacked.
And, in reality, she is being attacked.
Again.
By her Ex.
His attorney.
Her mother.
The guardian ad litem, the attorney for her children.
And by anyone and everyone all of those people can get to and coerce into seeing my wife as somebody worthy of being attacked.
Members of their church families.
Members of the legal system.
They are recruiting people to work against my wife.
Her mother's boyfriend met my wife for the first time, and shook her hand in such a way that she currently has an injured arm because of the force and twisting of his handshake.
She is currently struggling through her job because of this injury.
A physical attack.
And if she tells anyone about it, they will tell her that this was
An honest mistake
He didn't mean to do it
Why hadn't she said something about it then
Why didn't she "take care of herself"
...All of these questions: Attacks.
Again, She Is Wrong.
And my wife feels all of that.
And all she can do about it right now
is cry to me on the other end of the phone.
And continue to be attacked.
And all I can do for her right now
is tell her I love her.
Tell her she is right.
Tell her that I know what she's going through.
And I know that she is right.
Ask her about what she's doing.
Try to get her to actively put her mind anywhere other than where she is
Being Attacked
Again.
Another sole custody case.
The ex is filing for sole custody stating that the mother, my wife, isn't trying to co-parent.
The exact opposite is true.
But that doesn't stop the case from proceeding.
So...
Our new attorney, our super-expensive attorney, who we hired to try to stop all this, calls my wife.
And my wife comes away from the conversation feeling attacked.
He pointedly asks her why she didn't tell him information on the guardian ad litem's report.
From the previous case.
That she has tried to move past.
He had a phone call with the guardian ad litem, who told him that my wife's mother had stated that the Ex would be a better parent than my wife.
My wife tries to explain that our previous attorney had tried to get to the bottom of this, and neither the guardian ad litem nor the attorney for the Ex said that my wife's mother had said such a thing.
If it was the case that the guardian ad litem had based her report based on my wife's mother stating that the father would make a better parent, we didn't have that information. We had been told my wife's mother had spoken highly of the father, and that he hadn't done anything wrong. But no one would say that she stated that the father was the BETTER parent.
So as she's being grilled about this, again, my wife gets to go through these thoughts, again:
I didn't handle my divorce correctly in the first place.
My ex continues to abuse my children, and I feel partly responsible for that.
My mother continues to abuse my children, and I feel partly responsible for that.
I tried to do what's best, always, and it always turns out to be "the wrong thing".
My first attorney made me feel dumb by pointing out my shortcomings and failures.
"You should have gotten an attorney."
"You should have been represented."
"You should behave in different ways that you have been behaving."
"You should let your ex-husband take advantage of you and your children."
My second attorney made me feel dumb by pointing out my shortcomings and failures.
Replay quotes from above.
The guardian ad litem made me feel dumb by pointing out my shortcomings and failures.
Replay quotes.
My ex's attorney makes me feel dumb by pointing out my shortcomings and failures, as well as compounds issues by lying.
My ex continues to make me feel dumb and exploit these feelings, as well as lies continuously.
My own mother has turned against me and believes that I shouldn't mother my children.
Maybe my own mother was never on my side to begin with.
What kind of a person am I who doesn't have the support of my own mother?
And now my current attorney is making me feel dumb by reminding me of my shortcomings and failures, especially the one about my mother thinking I'm a bad mother.
And even though I cannot clearly give any examples of how I have behaved like a bad person, a bad daughter, a bad wife, or a bad mother, everyone tells me this is so.
Everyone.
Except my current husband, his mother, and his step-father.
Three people against the Rest Of The World.
So either I am right along with these three other people, or the rest of the world is right.
And the weight of the rest of the world is overwhelming.
And this weight makes me feel like I must be a bad parent, daughter, wife, and person.
At the time, no one claimed that my wife's mother had said that the father was the better parent.
Or maybe it just wasn't material.
It's hard to recall why, exactly, she hadn't held on to that piece of information.
At one time, did my mother say that my ex was a better parent than I am? I remember that my attorney hadn't made a big deal out of it, and I remember reading an email asking the guardian ad litem and the opposing attorney for information as to if my mother had said that I wasn't a good mother. I didn't think my mother had said that. I can't remember if she did or not. Or maybe it was a letter from my attorney...
And as my wife is trying to remember why she had put that piece of information out of her mind, our current attorney seemingly attacks her, saying that this IS an important piece of information.
And then she starts feeling like everything she did before was wrong, and she is wrong, and all of this ON TOP OF her mother saying that she's wrong.
And she starts to cry as she responds to our attorney, trying to tell him what she remembers.
And he tells her to stop crying, that the court won't take kindly to this behavior.
And then he continues to prepare her case.
And when she relates all of this to me, she admits, through the tears, that she guesses she's happy that he's on our side, making me feel like our attorney is still a good choice. But despite that, it's tremendously difficult to remember why you forgot that your mother doesn't approve of you. And then to remember that your mother doesn't approve of you. And to know that every move you make is wrong:
If you don't talk to your mother, you're not making an effort to maintain a relationship with her.
If you do talk with your mother, you give her information she will later use against you as she continues to try to prevent you from seeing your children.
And the reason?
I don't think my wife's mother even knows why she doesn't approve of my wife.
Somewhere in the reasons that get thrown around are her marriage to me, something about how she didn't handle her grandmother's illness and death appropriately (according to her mother), something about how she didn't handle her brother's illness and death appropriately (according to her mother), and something about how she didn't handle her father's illness and death appropriately (according to her mother). Maybe something about how she didn't ask her parents for permission before she got divorced.
But what gets said is that my wife isn't a good mother.
What doesnt' get said is that this statement is based on my wife going to the hospital to care for her grandmother, and when she had said goodbye, she left.
Then, my wife informed her parents she was getting divorced.
Then, she went to the hospital and took care of her brother, including bedside care while he convulsed without consciousness, while her parents were out of the state. And she did this for them for several days.
Then, she stayed with her father, and cared for him as best she could, including sleeping in his room with him overnight and being in the room with him as he gasped his final breaths.
And because she does all of this caring for her family-- or maybe in spite of all of this caring--
She gets to answer questions as to why her mother thinks her abusive ex-husband would make a better parent and why her mother would say that.
And she gets to tell the story, all over again, of how she honestly doesn't know how or why her mother is behaving like she is.
Which doesn't make my wife come off like a beacon of information.
Which doesn't help her case at all.
And she knows that.
And has one more thing to feel wrong about.
I try to step back, as best as I can, and look at this.
And what I see is a good mother, a good wife, a good friend, and a good person.
I see her getting attacked as a child by parents who wanted her to be something she wasn't.
And even though she tried to be what they wanted, they attacked her for not being "perfect".
For not getting good enough grades.
For not dating the right boys.
For not having the right interests.
And they continued to attack her into college, where she wanted to be an artist. She wanted to study art.
They attacked her and said that she couldn't study art.
So she dropped out of school, because she had no interest in being who they wanted her to be.
And she got attacked because she got pregnant with a man she wasn't married to.
She was paraded in front of her church and removed from her leadership position until she admitted her sin. Her Wrong.
And she was attacked for not waxing her mother's car while she was pregnant.
While she was sick with pregnancy.
And she was attacked for putting balloons on the getaway car at her wedding.
And she was attacked for wanting her husband's attentions.
Attacked for wanting his help parenting their children.
Attacked for trying to make her marriage work.
Attacked for ending her marriage.
Attacked for not getting an attorney.
Attacked for allowing her ex-husband to keep the house that her children felt comfortable in.
Attacked for speaking her mind about all these attacks.
Attacked for talking with her folks about her feelings.
Attacked for trying to work on that relationship.
Attacked for trying to get what she had agreed to in her initial divorce decree.
Attacked by her ex-husband, her former friends, and her parents.
Almost without mercy.
Without end.
Seemingly endless attacks.
And then February 2012 happens.
And there is another signed legal agreement.
And for nine months, she starts to feel like the attacks have stopped.
She is able to focus on her family.
On her kids' smiles.
On her husband's love.
On the love from her in-laws.
On helping her children navigate life, and school, and braces, and puberty, and living in a divorced home where mother and father were constantly fighting, but for the moment have stopped.
She can focus on everything that is worth focusing on.
And then she is attacked again.
For no reason.
Again.
Just for being.
Again.
And she accepts the help of her family, even though she wants to be independent.
Because she just wants it to stop.
She wants the attacking to stop.
But it resumes.
Just like before.
And she feels attacked from her attorney,
just like before,
even though she feels he's probably doing his job.
She Still Feels Attacked.
And, in reality, she is being attacked.
Again.
By her Ex.
His attorney.
Her mother.
The guardian ad litem, the attorney for her children.
And by anyone and everyone all of those people can get to and coerce into seeing my wife as somebody worthy of being attacked.
Members of their church families.
Members of the legal system.
They are recruiting people to work against my wife.
Her mother's boyfriend met my wife for the first time, and shook her hand in such a way that she currently has an injured arm because of the force and twisting of his handshake.
She is currently struggling through her job because of this injury.
A physical attack.
And if she tells anyone about it, they will tell her that this was
An honest mistake
He didn't mean to do it
Why hadn't she said something about it then
Why didn't she "take care of herself"
...All of these questions: Attacks.
Again, She Is Wrong.
And my wife feels all of that.
And all she can do about it right now
is cry to me on the other end of the phone.
And continue to be attacked.
And all I can do for her right now
is tell her I love her.
Tell her she is right.
Tell her that I know what she's going through.
And I know that she is right.
Ask her about what she's doing.
Try to get her to actively put her mind anywhere other than where she is
Being Attacked
Again.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Thankfully
For all you are
For all you will be
For all you were
That brought you to me
For all you bring
And all you leave
And all you share
Trusting me
Thankfully
So Thankfully
Most thankfully
I have you
And every day
In every way
I thank fully
My gift of you
For all the things
That we are
That make us laugh
Future and past
And all the times
You held to me
I held to you
That will last
And thankfully
So thankfully
Most thankfully
We are we
And every day
In every way
I thank fully
The gift of we
For all you will be
For all you were
That brought you to me
For all you bring
And all you leave
And all you share
Trusting me
Thankfully
So Thankfully
Most thankfully
I have you
And every day
In every way
I thank fully
My gift of you
For all the things
That we are
That make us laugh
Future and past
And all the times
You held to me
I held to you
That will last
And thankfully
So thankfully
Most thankfully
We are we
And every day
In every way
I thank fully
The gift of we
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
I Love My Wife So Much!
I'm so happy that I'm married to my wife!
She makes me smile so huge on a daily basis!
I'm so happy we found each other again!
She makes me smile so huge on a daily basis!
I'm so happy we found each other again!
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Thinking About Our 12-Year-Old
Our 16-year-old asks his 12-year-old brother if he’s a Christian. The 12-year-old answers quickly, almost without thinking, “Yes no I don’t know.”
This really pisses me off, because I want our 12-year-old to say what he means, and he hasn’t done that since his father yelled in his face a couple of years ago when our 12-year-old wanted to talk with his father about spending the night at his mother’s house. At that time, father got in his face, pointed a finger at his down-turned eyes, and raised his voice to a yelling level, saying, “This isn’t a discussion. Now, you’re coming with me, and we’re going to have a good night, okay?!” At which point, our 12-year-old nodded his head in agreement.
He’s been nodding his head in agreement ever since.
I can’t say as I blame him.
If I do what dad says, he won’t yell at me. I can say whatever I want at mom’s, and she doesn’t yell, so it doesn’t really matter what I do there. As long as I do whatever dad wants, I’ll be fine.
I don’t know if that’s what he’s thinking, but those words line up with his actions ever since that evening on our porch.
And since that time, our 12-year-old has not said what he means. Almost 100% of the time.
I don’t want to give too much weight to the Father Yelling Incident, as our 12-year-old had a severe habit of Not Rocking The Boat even before he was yelled at for thinking for himself. He would say or do whatever he needed to in order to not cause waves. If he was with dad and dad thought it was a good thing to bad mouth our 12-year-old’s friends, then, by golly, our 12-year-old would bad-mouth his own friends. After all, what are they gonna do, especially since there is little chance that it will get back to them that he’s not speaking favorably about them? They’re not gonna do anything, so he might as well agree with his dad and say that his friends really shouldn’t be playing football because they don’t have the athletic abilities to make them successful, especially this late in their lives.
At this point in his life, I worry about the old parental query, “If your friends jumped off a cliff, would you?” I believe that he would jump off that cliff if it was likely that he would get yelled at by his father if he did not.
Which brings me back to our 16-year-old questioning our 12-year-old’s faith and religion. Our 16-year-old asked what he liked about going to church, and our 12-year-old said that it was fun.
I bought that at the time.
But as I have been sitting here about 24 hours away from that answer, I wonder why he never wants to go to church when he’s with his mother and me. I can really only come up with two feasible answers:
1. He doesn’t want to rock the boat with us, and so he says what he thinks will get the least amount of resistance from us, again doing whatever he needs to do to avoid rocking the boat. Or…
2. It’s not fun enough to make him want to go.
And as I sit here and think about it a little more, I remember times when he told his father that he wanted to play Warhammer, a game which his father continued to say was evil because it had demons and magic involved in it. A game which his father continued to gift supplies for, even though he was saying it was evil. But our 12-year-old said that he wanted to play, and his father continued to supply the Evil Game Pieces so his son could play the Evil Game.
As I type this, I wonder if our 12-year-old was saying what he needed to say in order to not make waves with his brother. Maybe he doesn’t have feelings one way or the other about church and religion. Maybe he doesn’t really want to get up on Sunday mornings, and maybe that’s why he says that he doesn’t want to go to church. And maybe he enjoys the time with his father when they go to church together. He mentioned that his father gets free food, and while that doesn’t mean one little thing to him personally, I wonder if free food makes his father a little less abusive. He’s been mollified by the free food and time with his son becomes more bearable. And maybe that’s all our 12-year-old is looking for: a good time. And maybe his answer of “it’s fun” isn’t in reference to the activities associated with church or Christianity at all. Maybe it’s fun to not have dad angry just for a moment. And maybe it’s fun to see dad in a way that isn’t really difficult to understand or like.
I really would like our 12-year-old to say what he means. And at the same time, I don’t wish our 12-year-old any discomfort or pain that comes from any part of his life. Especially the part of his life that I’m not allowed to be in. That part of his life where I can’t protect him.
Being a parent really fucking blows sometimes.
This really pisses me off, because I want our 12-year-old to say what he means, and he hasn’t done that since his father yelled in his face a couple of years ago when our 12-year-old wanted to talk with his father about spending the night at his mother’s house. At that time, father got in his face, pointed a finger at his down-turned eyes, and raised his voice to a yelling level, saying, “This isn’t a discussion. Now, you’re coming with me, and we’re going to have a good night, okay?!” At which point, our 12-year-old nodded his head in agreement.
He’s been nodding his head in agreement ever since.
I can’t say as I blame him.
If I do what dad says, he won’t yell at me. I can say whatever I want at mom’s, and she doesn’t yell, so it doesn’t really matter what I do there. As long as I do whatever dad wants, I’ll be fine.
I don’t know if that’s what he’s thinking, but those words line up with his actions ever since that evening on our porch.
And since that time, our 12-year-old has not said what he means. Almost 100% of the time.
I don’t want to give too much weight to the Father Yelling Incident, as our 12-year-old had a severe habit of Not Rocking The Boat even before he was yelled at for thinking for himself. He would say or do whatever he needed to in order to not cause waves. If he was with dad and dad thought it was a good thing to bad mouth our 12-year-old’s friends, then, by golly, our 12-year-old would bad-mouth his own friends. After all, what are they gonna do, especially since there is little chance that it will get back to them that he’s not speaking favorably about them? They’re not gonna do anything, so he might as well agree with his dad and say that his friends really shouldn’t be playing football because they don’t have the athletic abilities to make them successful, especially this late in their lives.
At this point in his life, I worry about the old parental query, “If your friends jumped off a cliff, would you?” I believe that he would jump off that cliff if it was likely that he would get yelled at by his father if he did not.
Which brings me back to our 16-year-old questioning our 12-year-old’s faith and religion. Our 16-year-old asked what he liked about going to church, and our 12-year-old said that it was fun.
I bought that at the time.
But as I have been sitting here about 24 hours away from that answer, I wonder why he never wants to go to church when he’s with his mother and me. I can really only come up with two feasible answers:
1. He doesn’t want to rock the boat with us, and so he says what he thinks will get the least amount of resistance from us, again doing whatever he needs to do to avoid rocking the boat. Or…
2. It’s not fun enough to make him want to go.
And as I sit here and think about it a little more, I remember times when he told his father that he wanted to play Warhammer, a game which his father continued to say was evil because it had demons and magic involved in it. A game which his father continued to gift supplies for, even though he was saying it was evil. But our 12-year-old said that he wanted to play, and his father continued to supply the Evil Game Pieces so his son could play the Evil Game.
As I type this, I wonder if our 12-year-old was saying what he needed to say in order to not make waves with his brother. Maybe he doesn’t have feelings one way or the other about church and religion. Maybe he doesn’t really want to get up on Sunday mornings, and maybe that’s why he says that he doesn’t want to go to church. And maybe he enjoys the time with his father when they go to church together. He mentioned that his father gets free food, and while that doesn’t mean one little thing to him personally, I wonder if free food makes his father a little less abusive. He’s been mollified by the free food and time with his son becomes more bearable. And maybe that’s all our 12-year-old is looking for: a good time. And maybe his answer of “it’s fun” isn’t in reference to the activities associated with church or Christianity at all. Maybe it’s fun to not have dad angry just for a moment. And maybe it’s fun to see dad in a way that isn’t really difficult to understand or like.
I really would like our 12-year-old to say what he means. And at the same time, I don’t wish our 12-year-old any discomfort or pain that comes from any part of his life. Especially the part of his life that I’m not allowed to be in. That part of his life where I can’t protect him.
Being a parent really fucking blows sometimes.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
bad memories
having a hard time with negative memories today
a man yells in my face because he said something on a public stage. he agreed that what he said should be written on the wall. a friend of his got hurt because he read what the man said. the man yells in my face because he said something on a public stage and his friend was hurt. i stand there and let him yell at me, sticking his nose in my face. screaming. i was certain i was going to get punched. many years later, that man sent me a facebook message. "let's make up." i don't believe i have anything to make up to anyone, other than taking responsibility for writing what someone else said on the wall. whatever the case, the man is hurt and his friend is hurt. i don't like it when people are hurt. and there was a lot of anger pointed at me. that makes me feel like i've done something wrong.
nobody in my cast stood up for me. nobody in my cast told me about the incident. they all denied that they had anything to do with the incident, even though they all had something to do with the incident. i feel badly that all those people have prooven themselves to be fairweather friends. not particularly loyal. i wish they were. it makes me sad that some of them i was friends with for over 10 years, and now we don't speak at all.
i lived in that state for over ten years. i speak to only one person from that state on any kind of regular basis. i have had a handful of conversations with the rest of the folks from there since i moved away about five years ago. that's one person each year. that makes me sad.
what kind of asshole am i that i leave a state with only one friend after being there for over ten years? i feel like a really big asshole. not deserving of any real kindness. not deserving of friends. cuz even though i don't believe i did anything wrong, i do believe that the people i once thought were my friends turned out to be something different than what i thought they were.
somebody yells at me means i did something wrong
somebody turns their back on me means i wasn't worthy
somebody doesn't want to be my friend means i am shitty
facebook people hurt by the election indirectly accuse me of lacking morals and integrity because i want to see the nation turn into hell. that means i'm a horrible person, cuz i want to nation to be a horrible place for everybody
i can intellecutalize a lot of this away.
but my feelings aren't intellectual.
it hurts.
a man yells in my face because he said something on a public stage. he agreed that what he said should be written on the wall. a friend of his got hurt because he read what the man said. the man yells in my face because he said something on a public stage and his friend was hurt. i stand there and let him yell at me, sticking his nose in my face. screaming. i was certain i was going to get punched. many years later, that man sent me a facebook message. "let's make up." i don't believe i have anything to make up to anyone, other than taking responsibility for writing what someone else said on the wall. whatever the case, the man is hurt and his friend is hurt. i don't like it when people are hurt. and there was a lot of anger pointed at me. that makes me feel like i've done something wrong.
nobody in my cast stood up for me. nobody in my cast told me about the incident. they all denied that they had anything to do with the incident, even though they all had something to do with the incident. i feel badly that all those people have prooven themselves to be fairweather friends. not particularly loyal. i wish they were. it makes me sad that some of them i was friends with for over 10 years, and now we don't speak at all.
i lived in that state for over ten years. i speak to only one person from that state on any kind of regular basis. i have had a handful of conversations with the rest of the folks from there since i moved away about five years ago. that's one person each year. that makes me sad.
what kind of asshole am i that i leave a state with only one friend after being there for over ten years? i feel like a really big asshole. not deserving of any real kindness. not deserving of friends. cuz even though i don't believe i did anything wrong, i do believe that the people i once thought were my friends turned out to be something different than what i thought they were.
somebody yells at me means i did something wrong
somebody turns their back on me means i wasn't worthy
somebody doesn't want to be my friend means i am shitty
facebook people hurt by the election indirectly accuse me of lacking morals and integrity because i want to see the nation turn into hell. that means i'm a horrible person, cuz i want to nation to be a horrible place for everybody
i can intellecutalize a lot of this away.
but my feelings aren't intellectual.
it hurts.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Pledge
Right now, I'm at work.
And I pledge today, while I am here, I will focus on WORK.
I will not cruise Wikipedia.
I will not play games on my phone.
I will not blog about...
...wait...
...shit.
And I pledge today, while I am here, I will focus on WORK.
I will not cruise Wikipedia.
I will not play games on my phone.
I will not blog about...
...wait...
...shit.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Bleecker Street Pizza
Money is the root of all evil.
I’ve heard that phrase bandied about since I was a child, and like many things that are a part of your life since you were a child, I actually thought about this phrase, and the meaning of the phrase, very little.
Until today.
I heard a news story about Bleecker Street Pizza, in New York City. Manhattan is still struggling from the devastation that Hurricane Sandy left behind. Most of New York City has no electricity. Transportation has all but come to a complete stop. Subways, trains, and taxis aren't running, as they are covered in water. And yet, Bleecker Street Pizza is selling pies in the dark, using flashlights and their gas ovens that are still operational. The story I heard was broadcast on NPR, and they said that no other restaurant was open in the area. The owner said that he couldn’t remember a time when they had been as busy. Being as busy as they are, that they are the only supplier of pre-made food in the area, and that many people are in a state of fear and need would have many business owners seeing dollar signs.
You don’t think so? Do you remember the Y2K scare? Do you remember gasoline price gouging at that time, when people were so scared that they were willing to pay $7 and up for a gallon of gas? Do you remember when a bottle of water was being sold for $5, and people paid it because they were scared they would have to hide out in their shelters for months after the computer Armageddon? Or how about the regular price gouging that happens at the movie theatre concession stand? Air port food price gouging? Supply is low, demand is high, and Capitalists would have you believe that price must then also go up. And as we all know, Capitalism is the Best Economic System America blah blah blah.
Bleecker Street Pizza is still selling slices for $2.50, no more than any other day.
If money is the root of all evil, is it possible that the absence of money is the root of all goodness? And if that is a little too much for you, maybe we all should start thinking about what we can do for each other rather than what we can do for our personal bank accounts.
I’ve heard that phrase bandied about since I was a child, and like many things that are a part of your life since you were a child, I actually thought about this phrase, and the meaning of the phrase, very little.
Until today.
I heard a news story about Bleecker Street Pizza, in New York City. Manhattan is still struggling from the devastation that Hurricane Sandy left behind. Most of New York City has no electricity. Transportation has all but come to a complete stop. Subways, trains, and taxis aren't running, as they are covered in water. And yet, Bleecker Street Pizza is selling pies in the dark, using flashlights and their gas ovens that are still operational. The story I heard was broadcast on NPR, and they said that no other restaurant was open in the area. The owner said that he couldn’t remember a time when they had been as busy. Being as busy as they are, that they are the only supplier of pre-made food in the area, and that many people are in a state of fear and need would have many business owners seeing dollar signs.
You don’t think so? Do you remember the Y2K scare? Do you remember gasoline price gouging at that time, when people were so scared that they were willing to pay $7 and up for a gallon of gas? Do you remember when a bottle of water was being sold for $5, and people paid it because they were scared they would have to hide out in their shelters for months after the computer Armageddon? Or how about the regular price gouging that happens at the movie theatre concession stand? Air port food price gouging? Supply is low, demand is high, and Capitalists would have you believe that price must then also go up. And as we all know, Capitalism is the Best Economic System America blah blah blah.
Bleecker Street Pizza is still selling slices for $2.50, no more than any other day.
If money is the root of all evil, is it possible that the absence of money is the root of all goodness? And if that is a little too much for you, maybe we all should start thinking about what we can do for each other rather than what we can do for our personal bank accounts.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
More Than Words Can Express
Today, I celebrate the best day of my life, so far.
It's absolutely lovely being Husband to Wife.
It's absolutely lovely being Husband to Wife.
Election Thoughts
Mitt Romney is a lying fucktard who is only qualified to be elected as the Official Elephant Shiteater at the circus. And I'm talking, like, a local, regional circus where they get cheap elephants and can only afford rotting hay that makes the elephant shit really stinky, runny shit. And Romney can suck it up with a straw. And hold it in his mouth while he breathes hot breath on it in his mouth, and it gets stinkier and more barf-inducing.
That's all.
That's all.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Shoot Yer Gun
I was feeling a little confused about guns today.
I live in Oklahoma, where everybody loves guns.
Personally, I know that guns are tools to hurt or kill animals and people, while shields and force fields are things which protect you.
I understand a difference between killing somebody and protecting myself.
A Kevlar vest protects.
A gun kills.
Therefore, I see little need for guns, as I believe that I'm happier for not having killed another person.
But people in my state love guns.
I remember when I lived in Hell's Kitchen in New York City.
Nobody there wanted guns around.
Very few guns in Hell's Kitchen.
From my window, I watched a man give anal sex to another man for drugs, and then the first man was knifed in his chest and left for dead in a parking lot.
On my way home to my apartment, I saw a group of police surrounding a man who was brandishing a knife against them, as the Knife Man's eye was dangling out of its socket.
But nobody was talking about having a gun around for self defense.
Nobody.
I remember when I lived in the Cass Corridor, in the heart of Detroit's downtown.
Nobody there wanted guns around.
Even the gang members.
There were lots of guns in Detroit.
But nobody was advocating they stay around.
Some nights I would hear gunshots on the streets.
Some nights, it sounded like a war zone.
I woke up one morning to find a street sign by my house had been riddled with bullets during the night.
But nobody was advocating having a gun for home or self defense.
Then Oklahoma happens.
The most dangerous thing that I've been involved with in Oklahoma was when a gaggle of police officers surrounded me and my 16-year-old when we were scouting for locations to shoot one of his school movies. The 5 police cars showed up because, as they said, they were bored and had nothing to do. Oh, and incidentally, the place where we were was noted to be occupied by homeless people. But, really, they had nothing to do. They were bored. Those were the words they told me. They. Were. Bored.
And Oklahoma is where people want guns to protect themselves.... From The Boredom.
So I was confused.
I lived in places where I saw violence and crime happening, but nobody wanted guns.
Then I lived in a place where the cops were bored, and everybody wants guns.
So I did some research.
Seems that in 2010, the 15th best state to live in was New York. Meaning that 35 other states were worse to live in. One of those states was Oklahoma, which was considered the 13th most dangerous state. Meaning that 37 more states were safer to live in than Oklahoma. In this same list, it's noted that Michigan saw one of the biggest improvements in the crime rate in 2010.
I wonder if Oklahoma would be less dangerous if they, too, decided they didn't want to kill everyone?
http://www.dailyfinance.com/2010/04/07/the-15-safest-state-to-live-in-based-on-2010-crime-rankings/
http://www.dailyfinance.com/2010/04/05/most-dangerous-states-crime-rankings-for-2010/
I live in Oklahoma, where everybody loves guns.
Personally, I know that guns are tools to hurt or kill animals and people, while shields and force fields are things which protect you.
I understand a difference between killing somebody and protecting myself.
A Kevlar vest protects.
A gun kills.
Therefore, I see little need for guns, as I believe that I'm happier for not having killed another person.
But people in my state love guns.
I remember when I lived in Hell's Kitchen in New York City.
Nobody there wanted guns around.
Very few guns in Hell's Kitchen.
From my window, I watched a man give anal sex to another man for drugs, and then the first man was knifed in his chest and left for dead in a parking lot.
On my way home to my apartment, I saw a group of police surrounding a man who was brandishing a knife against them, as the Knife Man's eye was dangling out of its socket.
But nobody was talking about having a gun around for self defense.
Nobody.
I remember when I lived in the Cass Corridor, in the heart of Detroit's downtown.
Nobody there wanted guns around.
Even the gang members.
There were lots of guns in Detroit.
But nobody was advocating they stay around.
Some nights I would hear gunshots on the streets.
Some nights, it sounded like a war zone.
I woke up one morning to find a street sign by my house had been riddled with bullets during the night.
But nobody was advocating having a gun for home or self defense.
Then Oklahoma happens.
The most dangerous thing that I've been involved with in Oklahoma was when a gaggle of police officers surrounded me and my 16-year-old when we were scouting for locations to shoot one of his school movies. The 5 police cars showed up because, as they said, they were bored and had nothing to do. Oh, and incidentally, the place where we were was noted to be occupied by homeless people. But, really, they had nothing to do. They were bored. Those were the words they told me. They. Were. Bored.
And Oklahoma is where people want guns to protect themselves.... From The Boredom.
So I was confused.
I lived in places where I saw violence and crime happening, but nobody wanted guns.
Then I lived in a place where the cops were bored, and everybody wants guns.
So I did some research.
Seems that in 2010, the 15th best state to live in was New York. Meaning that 35 other states were worse to live in. One of those states was Oklahoma, which was considered the 13th most dangerous state. Meaning that 37 more states were safer to live in than Oklahoma. In this same list, it's noted that Michigan saw one of the biggest improvements in the crime rate in 2010.
I wonder if Oklahoma would be less dangerous if they, too, decided they didn't want to kill everyone?
http://www.dailyfinance.com/2010/04/07/the-15-safest-state-to-live-in-based-on-2010-crime-rankings/
http://www.dailyfinance.com/2010/04/05/most-dangerous-states-crime-rankings-for-2010/
Thursday, September 27, 2012
More Hate
I also hate the cunts at the church where my wife used to work who told her that she could leave work early to care for her children and that it wouldn't affect her pay at all. Then, after she had done this for a month, was told that the person who told her she could leave without being docked pay (the woman in charge of the program) didn't have the authority to tell my wife this, and therefore my wife would have to work for free for a month to make up for her leaving early but still getting paid for it. My wife put in her two week's notice right then, and they said she didn't need to put in two weeks notice and could leave then. I can't wish all those people enough harm and misery for the rest of their lives. They can't have enough testicular cancer to go around to all the fucking bitches at that fucking cesspool of humanity and morals to really do my hatered justice. If everybody there were to get ten thousand papercuts on their vaginas, clitorises, and scrotums, dip those open wounds in lemon juice, salt, battery acid and shaved glass, and then kicked in the crotch for 85 years, it still wouldn't satisfy the hatred I have for those fuckers. Those fucking fucker fucks. They should get trapped in the building as it catches fire and die.
That Mitchell and Webb Look -or- The Hardest I've Ever Laughed At Anything In My Life (Last Night)
[One British Eater, munches crisps from a bag, standing in a kitchen. Another British Man is standing next to him. Light acoustic guitar melody lilts through this idyllic scene.]
Man: Hey, I’ve just noticed. You’ve been eating crisps all morning. Aren’t you afraid you’ll get fat?
Eater: No. I can eat as many of these as I’d like.
[Woman enters]
Woman: I can’t believe you’re stuffing your face with crisps again. You’ll only get fat, and then I’ll have to have another affair.
Eater: No, don’t worry. These won’t make me fat.
Woman: Why not? Are you bulimic?
Eater: No. It’s because these aren’t crisps, they’re Cressps. Peeker’s crisps take ordinary cress, the healthiest food in the world-- and that’s been confirmed-- and then deep fry it in crisp fat, so all the health is retained, which means I can eat as many Cressps as I’d like and just get healthier.
Woman: Wow. I’ll have some Cressps!
Man: I think I’ll pass, actually.
Announcer: Cressps! Once you Cressp, you just can’t splessp.
Man: That doesn’t make any sense.
[Eater spits out a mouthful of chewed Cressps]
Eater: Oh god, they’re horrid!
Man: Hey, I’ve just noticed. You’ve been eating crisps all morning. Aren’t you afraid you’ll get fat?
Eater: No. I can eat as many of these as I’d like.
[Woman enters]
Woman: I can’t believe you’re stuffing your face with crisps again. You’ll only get fat, and then I’ll have to have another affair.
Eater: No, don’t worry. These won’t make me fat.
Woman: Why not? Are you bulimic?
Eater: No. It’s because these aren’t crisps, they’re Cressps. Peeker’s crisps take ordinary cress, the healthiest food in the world-- and that’s been confirmed-- and then deep fry it in crisp fat, so all the health is retained, which means I can eat as many Cressps as I’d like and just get healthier.
Woman: Wow. I’ll have some Cressps!
Man: I think I’ll pass, actually.
Announcer: Cressps! Once you Cressp, you just can’t splessp.
Man: That doesn’t make any sense.
[Eater spits out a mouthful of chewed Cressps]
Eater: Oh god, they’re horrid!
Cancer Bullets and Fucktards
I fucking hate my father's wife because she's a fucking stupid, man-hating, abusive-to-my-brother idiot whore.
I fucking hate my fucking father because he's a fucking silent, abusive, bigoted moron.
I fucking hate my wife's mother because she's a fucking cunt of an abusive fucktard.
And I fucking hate my wife's fucking ex-husband because he's an abusive, controlling, psychotic fuckmess.
And I fucking hate all the motherfuckers who just accept what their selected news outlet tells them and then they go and post idiocies on fucking YouTube and fucking Facebook, and they fucking flood the planet with unconsidered insanity, where television stations garner ratings and revenue from giving fucking lemmings a microphone and a platform for dangerous and decietful proclamations.
And I fucking hate my fucking supervisor and his fucking shiny head.
And I fucking hate my fucking supervisor's supervisor and her fucking stupidity and bullying.
And I fucking fucking fuck!! You fucking fucker! Fuck you all motherfuckers!! You fucking die of cancer of the goddam soul and fucking die!! Eat cancer and fucking let it kill your soul, you fucking fuckers!! Eat a bullet!! All of you eat a fucking bullet!! Put a goddam cancer gun in your fucking pie holes and pull the trigger and eat it! Eat the bullet! Die you fucking bitches!
...there was a commercial recently where a fish from Finding Nemo popped up with his friends and said, "What's up, fishes?!" Funny.
I fucking hate my fucking father because he's a fucking silent, abusive, bigoted moron.
I fucking hate my wife's mother because she's a fucking cunt of an abusive fucktard.
And I fucking hate my wife's fucking ex-husband because he's an abusive, controlling, psychotic fuckmess.
And I fucking hate all the motherfuckers who just accept what their selected news outlet tells them and then they go and post idiocies on fucking YouTube and fucking Facebook, and they fucking flood the planet with unconsidered insanity, where television stations garner ratings and revenue from giving fucking lemmings a microphone and a platform for dangerous and decietful proclamations.
And I fucking hate my fucking supervisor and his fucking shiny head.
And I fucking hate my fucking supervisor's supervisor and her fucking stupidity and bullying.
And I fucking fucking fuck!! You fucking fucker! Fuck you all motherfuckers!! You fucking die of cancer of the goddam soul and fucking die!! Eat cancer and fucking let it kill your soul, you fucking fuckers!! Eat a bullet!! All of you eat a fucking bullet!! Put a goddam cancer gun in your fucking pie holes and pull the trigger and eat it! Eat the bullet! Die you fucking bitches!
...there was a commercial recently where a fish from Finding Nemo popped up with his friends and said, "What's up, fishes?!" Funny.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Don't You Hate It...?
Don't you fucking hate it when stupid people talk?
I do, too.
Especially when they won't shut up.
And then other people start listening to them.
And thinking that what the stupid people are saying is true.
And then you have a gaggle of stupid people.
And none of them will shut the fuck up.
I do, too.
Especially when they won't shut up.
And then other people start listening to them.
And thinking that what the stupid people are saying is true.
And then you have a gaggle of stupid people.
And none of them will shut the fuck up.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Stickers, Football, and Urgent Care
Friday, our 11-year-old told us that it was burning him when he peed.
His mother took him to the urgent care doctor to care for this issue.
She texted our 11-year-old's father to let him know that our 11-year-old said that it burned when he peed and she was taking him to the urgent care facility, which would probably mean that he would be missing football practice on Friday.
Father immediately texted our 11-year-old to ask him if he was really sick. Our 11-year-old said yes, he was really sick. Father asked if he was really, really sick. Our 11-year-old said yes, he was going to the urgent care. Father asked if mom was making it up or if our 11-year-old was really having a problem. Our 11-year-old said he was going to the urgent care because he was sick. Father said that he should call him when he was done with the urgent care doctor. Our 11-year-old said that he would.
Mother took our 11-year-old to the urgent care doctor, who told him that he had some bacteria inside of his penis (probably), and that he should take some antibiotics to clear this up. Nothing big to worry about.
Our 11-year-old, knowing that his father was in the middle of coaching a football practice, texted him to say that it was no big deal, and they were getting medicine and then going home. Father called back, almost immediately. "Why didn't you call me?! I told you to call me!!" Our 11-year-old explained that he had texted because he knew that his father was in the middle of the football practice and didn't want to disturb him. Plus, it wasn't really urgent. Father grilled our 11-year-old some more, asking if his mother told him to text rather than call, and our 11-year-old was agitated and perplexed. Father grilled our 11-year-old about coming to football practice. Our 11-year-old reminded his father that he had just gotten out of the urgent care, was dealing with a sickness, and would be late. Father continued to grill our 11-year-old about coming to practice. Eventually, father's new wife got on the phone, asked if our 11-year-old was fine, and when he said yes, they hung up.
Later that day, father said that he would come by mother's house to put a sticker on our 11-year-old's football helmet. Mother said fine. Then, father said no, 11-year-old needed to come over to his house. Mother said that father was welcome to come over to put on a sticker, but we were staying home, especially since our 11-year-old was dealing with an issue that he was taking medication for. Father arrived at mother's house and was met on the front porch by mother and our 11-year-old. Mother remembered that she owed father some money, and stepped inside, literally two steps from the front porch. Father snapped at our 11-year-old. "Come here!" he hissed as he pulled our 11-year-old further away from the door. Mother heard him saying, "Did she make you... ?!" but couldn't hear what he was saying before she came back out on the front porch, at which point, our 11-year-old, continuing to be perplexed and agitated, said, "What are you talking about, dad?" Father, seeing mother's return, stopped the confrontational body language and said, "Never mind." Mother politely said to father, "Go ahead and finish." Father snorted, signalling that he was not going to finish interrogating our 11-year-old about the horribleness of his mother taking him to the urgent care facility when he was sick in front of his mother.
His mother took him to the urgent care doctor to care for this issue.
She texted our 11-year-old's father to let him know that our 11-year-old said that it burned when he peed and she was taking him to the urgent care facility, which would probably mean that he would be missing football practice on Friday.
Father immediately texted our 11-year-old to ask him if he was really sick. Our 11-year-old said yes, he was really sick. Father asked if he was really, really sick. Our 11-year-old said yes, he was going to the urgent care. Father asked if mom was making it up or if our 11-year-old was really having a problem. Our 11-year-old said he was going to the urgent care because he was sick. Father said that he should call him when he was done with the urgent care doctor. Our 11-year-old said that he would.
Mother took our 11-year-old to the urgent care doctor, who told him that he had some bacteria inside of his penis (probably), and that he should take some antibiotics to clear this up. Nothing big to worry about.
Our 11-year-old, knowing that his father was in the middle of coaching a football practice, texted him to say that it was no big deal, and they were getting medicine and then going home. Father called back, almost immediately. "Why didn't you call me?! I told you to call me!!" Our 11-year-old explained that he had texted because he knew that his father was in the middle of the football practice and didn't want to disturb him. Plus, it wasn't really urgent. Father grilled our 11-year-old some more, asking if his mother told him to text rather than call, and our 11-year-old was agitated and perplexed. Father grilled our 11-year-old about coming to football practice. Our 11-year-old reminded his father that he had just gotten out of the urgent care, was dealing with a sickness, and would be late. Father continued to grill our 11-year-old about coming to practice. Eventually, father's new wife got on the phone, asked if our 11-year-old was fine, and when he said yes, they hung up.
Later that day, father said that he would come by mother's house to put a sticker on our 11-year-old's football helmet. Mother said fine. Then, father said no, 11-year-old needed to come over to his house. Mother said that father was welcome to come over to put on a sticker, but we were staying home, especially since our 11-year-old was dealing with an issue that he was taking medication for. Father arrived at mother's house and was met on the front porch by mother and our 11-year-old. Mother remembered that she owed father some money, and stepped inside, literally two steps from the front porch. Father snapped at our 11-year-old. "Come here!" he hissed as he pulled our 11-year-old further away from the door. Mother heard him saying, "Did she make you... ?!" but couldn't hear what he was saying before she came back out on the front porch, at which point, our 11-year-old, continuing to be perplexed and agitated, said, "What are you talking about, dad?" Father, seeing mother's return, stopped the confrontational body language and said, "Never mind." Mother politely said to father, "Go ahead and finish." Father snorted, signalling that he was not going to finish interrogating our 11-year-old about the horribleness of his mother taking him to the urgent care facility when he was sick in front of his mother.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
This Is What Love Is
Last night, as we were trying to forget everything that had happened in our day, I told my wife that I thought marriage should be outlawed. She laughed, knowing what I meant, and I was glad that she knew what I meant. We then went on to say "this is what love is" in reference to the two of us.
Today, I'm still thinking about that.
This Is What Love Is.
And as I sit here and think about it, I wanted to come up with a way to make Love clear to everyone else who hasn't found it. Here's some stuff that I came up with.
Love is when there are No Voices Pestering You. I've dated people in the past where voices were pestering me about how I didn't love the person I was with. "You're only with her because you're lonely," they would quietly say. And they would be quiet, because it was nice having sex and feeling like somebody wanted to be with me naked and liked me, or maybe they were nice to look at or maybe it was nice not being alone. But I knew that I wasn't in love with them. "You're only with her because she's Asian." And I would know that was right, but I kept going in the relationships. But with my wife, there are no voices telling me that I'm only with her because of something. Probably because the voice would say something like, "You're only with her because she's Her." And then I would nod in agreement, and then snuggle into her.
Love is when the Scale Of What I Get Is Heavier Than What I Have To Put Up With. And this seems to be different with everyone. I once dated a very pretty woman who was a zealous Christian Republican who wouldn't consider that there was any other way than that. What I Got: a very pretty woman. What I Had To Put Up With: complete mindless idiocy. I asked her out because of what she looked like. When I found out the Christian Republican thing, I almost broke up with her then. Being attractive isn't enough to out-weigh being a closed-minded moron.
Love is when There's More Than A Pretty Face. I've dated most of the people I have because I was physically attracted to them. One of them I stayed with because I didn't want to be alone. But I never really Liked most of them beyond their Look. They looked nice. But they weren't nice. And that Nice Look faded after I had sex with them. Quickly faded. And once that faded, there wasn't a reason for me to be with them anymore. It was sorta like masturbating to the same picture again and again: you like it until you cum, and then you wait a week and find a different picture. But with my wife, her Nice Look never faded. Oh! I even know why her Nice Look never faded (it just came to me and I'm super excited to be putting it into words): because she's my best friend (so I groove hanging with her when we're not having sex), and she wasn't like masturbating to the same picture again and again (so I groove having sex with her) because we switch stuff up. Sometimes we're snugly, and sometimes we're rough, and sometimes we're weird. I don't know if I'm misremembering this, but I'm pretty sure there was a time when we couldn't stop farting while having sex, which made us laugh a lot, which made us fart more. That was awesome! Try getting that into your Penthouse beauties. But she's never like masturbating to the same picture again and again. She's definitely much, much more than a pretty face.
Love is Want. I think, most of all, I love my wife because I want to. There was always a time when I didn't want to be with one of my girlfriends. Probably because the Scale Of What I Got did not outweigh What I Had To Put Up With. My wife has two boys. They aren't biologically mine. They were made by a monster. One of the most evil, sick, fucked up, horrible people I've ever known. He makes her life miserable often. He makes my life miserable often. He makes our boys' lives miserable often. He makes my parents' lives miserable often. And I could cut him out of my life completely. All I have to do is divorce my wife. And there's no way I'm gonna do that. Apparently, I Want to be with her. I Want to love her. I Want to stay with her. It's sorta like asking a kid if he wants a cookie or a punch in the balls. It's not a difficult choice to make. My wife is the cookie. I Want her.
That's about it.
I gotta tell ya, when you go through really hard days that should send you to some kind of mental facility or make you call the police or drive you to buy a gun and shoot everyone in sight, it's really, really helpful and nice to have a best friend to lie next to at the end of the day and remember that you love each other, and even if everything falls apart in the next moment you will still love each other, and that makes you both smile and breathe a little deeper and easier.
Today, I'm still thinking about that.
This Is What Love Is.
And as I sit here and think about it, I wanted to come up with a way to make Love clear to everyone else who hasn't found it. Here's some stuff that I came up with.
Love is when there are No Voices Pestering You. I've dated people in the past where voices were pestering me about how I didn't love the person I was with. "You're only with her because you're lonely," they would quietly say. And they would be quiet, because it was nice having sex and feeling like somebody wanted to be with me naked and liked me, or maybe they were nice to look at or maybe it was nice not being alone. But I knew that I wasn't in love with them. "You're only with her because she's Asian." And I would know that was right, but I kept going in the relationships. But with my wife, there are no voices telling me that I'm only with her because of something. Probably because the voice would say something like, "You're only with her because she's Her." And then I would nod in agreement, and then snuggle into her.
Love is when the Scale Of What I Get Is Heavier Than What I Have To Put Up With. And this seems to be different with everyone. I once dated a very pretty woman who was a zealous Christian Republican who wouldn't consider that there was any other way than that. What I Got: a very pretty woman. What I Had To Put Up With: complete mindless idiocy. I asked her out because of what she looked like. When I found out the Christian Republican thing, I almost broke up with her then. Being attractive isn't enough to out-weigh being a closed-minded moron.
Love is when There's More Than A Pretty Face. I've dated most of the people I have because I was physically attracted to them. One of them I stayed with because I didn't want to be alone. But I never really Liked most of them beyond their Look. They looked nice. But they weren't nice. And that Nice Look faded after I had sex with them. Quickly faded. And once that faded, there wasn't a reason for me to be with them anymore. It was sorta like masturbating to the same picture again and again: you like it until you cum, and then you wait a week and find a different picture. But with my wife, her Nice Look never faded. Oh! I even know why her Nice Look never faded (it just came to me and I'm super excited to be putting it into words): because she's my best friend (so I groove hanging with her when we're not having sex), and she wasn't like masturbating to the same picture again and again (so I groove having sex with her) because we switch stuff up. Sometimes we're snugly, and sometimes we're rough, and sometimes we're weird. I don't know if I'm misremembering this, but I'm pretty sure there was a time when we couldn't stop farting while having sex, which made us laugh a lot, which made us fart more. That was awesome! Try getting that into your Penthouse beauties. But she's never like masturbating to the same picture again and again. She's definitely much, much more than a pretty face.
Love is Want. I think, most of all, I love my wife because I want to. There was always a time when I didn't want to be with one of my girlfriends. Probably because the Scale Of What I Got did not outweigh What I Had To Put Up With. My wife has two boys. They aren't biologically mine. They were made by a monster. One of the most evil, sick, fucked up, horrible people I've ever known. He makes her life miserable often. He makes my life miserable often. He makes our boys' lives miserable often. He makes my parents' lives miserable often. And I could cut him out of my life completely. All I have to do is divorce my wife. And there's no way I'm gonna do that. Apparently, I Want to be with her. I Want to love her. I Want to stay with her. It's sorta like asking a kid if he wants a cookie or a punch in the balls. It's not a difficult choice to make. My wife is the cookie. I Want her.
That's about it.
I gotta tell ya, when you go through really hard days that should send you to some kind of mental facility or make you call the police or drive you to buy a gun and shoot everyone in sight, it's really, really helpful and nice to have a best friend to lie next to at the end of the day and remember that you love each other, and even if everything falls apart in the next moment you will still love each other, and that makes you both smile and breathe a little deeper and easier.
Distilled Diseased
without emotion
i think the most pure truth is
he cannot think about anyone other than himself
to a point of being pathological and psychotic
in all manifestations
PATHOLOGICAL
path·o·log·i·cal (pth-lj-kl) also path·o·log·ic (-k)
adj.
1. Of or relating to pathology.
2. Relating to or caused by disease.
3. Of, relating to, or manifesting behavior that is habitual, maladaptive, and compulsive: a pathological liar.
adj.
1. Of or relating to pathology.
2. Relating to or caused by disease.
3. Of, relating to, or manifesting behavior that is habitual, maladaptive, and compulsive: a pathological liar.
PSYCHOSIS
psy·cho·sis (s-kss)
n. pl. psy·cho·ses (-sz)
A severe mental disorder, with or without organic damage, characterized by derangement of personality and loss of contact with reality and causing deterioration of normal social functioning.
n. pl. psy·cho·ses (-sz)
A severe mental disorder, with or without organic damage, characterized by derangement of personality and loss of contact with reality and causing deterioration of normal social functioning.
Crippling Your Children For Personal Gain
Ok, I get it. Not everybody can hold it together 100% of the time. Husbands blow up at wives, mothers blow up at kids. My mother called me a “piss ant” once, probably because I was being a piss ant, but she has remained feeling badly about this, to some degree, ever since. And she is a fantastic mother with fantastic values and is an exemplary person. My point here is that Nobody Is Perfect.
I get it that the law shouldn’t be used to hurt people who slip up. My mother should not be punished in any way for calling me a piss ant. She should not be taken to court because I was being a piss ant and she was telling the truth.
The problem comes when you’re dealing with somebody who isn’t as exemplary as my mother. What if I hadn’t been a piss ant and she still called me a piss ant, and she continued to call me a piss ant every day? I guess my feeling about that is that she would be a jerk. But should the law become involved in that? I guess I believe the law shouldn’t become involved in that. As our lawyer said over and over, it’s not against the law to be an asshole.
But I feel like our specific situation is different. An individual has a history of emotional and psychological abuse towards his ex-wife and his kids.
…but legally, he doesn’t, because the kids said that they wanted to live with him half the time. So, according to the court, he hasn’t done anything wrong. Sure, he bribed them so that they would say that. And it’s unfortunate. But if I can buy you things (pay you) so that you say something (say what I want you to say), then I get my way. And ultimately, you get screwed.
Again, I find myself battling money and what it does to us. There was a point in time where both our boys wanted to be away from him. They wanted to live with us all the time because they both were miserable at their father’s house. We went to court based on what they wanted, at which point, Father started buying things for his boys. The amount of money that Father was dumping into making his boys feel happy when they both said they didn’t want to live with him anymore was outrageous. Both boys were getting $150 worth of Warhammer models every week. Articles of clothing, toys, books, video games, all kinds of Possessions were showered on those boys. I almost called them Gifts, but as we’ve seen recently, they weren’t gifts. They were Physical Things, not actually given to the boys so they could use them as if they were their own. They were Possessions that were given to the boys as long as the boys said and did the right things. If not, they were retained by Father. They were Bribes given to children too young to understand all the consequences of accepting bribes.
So the court believes Father to be fine, because the last time we went to court, the boys, sated with the comfort of Possessions they believed to be Gifts, said he was fine. How could anyone be horrible who gives me Warhammer models and tee-shirts? So the boys, unwittingly, crippled themselves. And their father encouraged them to do so. Over and over again.
Now no one will listen. And that is a horrible shame.
I get it that the law shouldn’t be used to hurt people who slip up. My mother should not be punished in any way for calling me a piss ant. She should not be taken to court because I was being a piss ant and she was telling the truth.
The problem comes when you’re dealing with somebody who isn’t as exemplary as my mother. What if I hadn’t been a piss ant and she still called me a piss ant, and she continued to call me a piss ant every day? I guess my feeling about that is that she would be a jerk. But should the law become involved in that? I guess I believe the law shouldn’t become involved in that. As our lawyer said over and over, it’s not against the law to be an asshole.
But I feel like our specific situation is different. An individual has a history of emotional and psychological abuse towards his ex-wife and his kids.
…but legally, he doesn’t, because the kids said that they wanted to live with him half the time. So, according to the court, he hasn’t done anything wrong. Sure, he bribed them so that they would say that. And it’s unfortunate. But if I can buy you things (pay you) so that you say something (say what I want you to say), then I get my way. And ultimately, you get screwed.
Again, I find myself battling money and what it does to us. There was a point in time where both our boys wanted to be away from him. They wanted to live with us all the time because they both were miserable at their father’s house. We went to court based on what they wanted, at which point, Father started buying things for his boys. The amount of money that Father was dumping into making his boys feel happy when they both said they didn’t want to live with him anymore was outrageous. Both boys were getting $150 worth of Warhammer models every week. Articles of clothing, toys, books, video games, all kinds of Possessions were showered on those boys. I almost called them Gifts, but as we’ve seen recently, they weren’t gifts. They were Physical Things, not actually given to the boys so they could use them as if they were their own. They were Possessions that were given to the boys as long as the boys said and did the right things. If not, they were retained by Father. They were Bribes given to children too young to understand all the consequences of accepting bribes.
So the court believes Father to be fine, because the last time we went to court, the boys, sated with the comfort of Possessions they believed to be Gifts, said he was fine. How could anyone be horrible who gives me Warhammer models and tee-shirts? So the boys, unwittingly, crippled themselves. And their father encouraged them to do so. Over and over again.
Now no one will listen. And that is a horrible shame.
Trying To Get His Stuff
Yesterday, my wife and our 16-year-old went over to his father’s house to get some of his belongings. When our 16-year-old knocked on the front door, his father answered and yanked him inside the house and shut the front door. He began yelling at the boy, my wife described it as “screaming”, so that it could be heard through the door. When she approached the door, the father locked the front door. The screaming continued to be heard through the front door, but my wife couldn’t see anything. She rang the bell. Waited a minute (she timed it). Rang again. Waited a minute. Knocked on the door. Waited a minute. Knocked again. The door was thrown open by the father, yelling at my wife, telling her that he couldn’t believe she would come over without calling or texting first. Our 16-year-old came out with 3 of his shirts and one of his posters. The father then screamed that my wife had ruined our 16-year-old’s driver’s education experience. My wife said nothing. Our 16-year-old said that they had been trying to talk with him for 7 months. He responded with, “No you haven’t! Prove it!” He then screamed that this wasn’t the 16-year-old’s home and he couldn’t just come over here whenever he wanted and this wasn’t the way this should be happening. My wife said, calmly, that he had been trying to get his stuff from 7 weeks, and he had tried every other way. The father then screamed that was a lie, and that my wife had been filling our 16-year-old’s therapist with lies. The father then screamed that it was the 16-year-old’s fault that the most recent meeting with the therapist, father, and 16-year-old wasn’t productive because he walked out of the meeting and that’s why it wasn’t resolved. 16-year-old moved his body like he was going to respond, but my wife urged him to get in the car, at which point the father screamed that she needed to get off his property and that he was going to call the cops.
When my family returned home, my wife was breathing heavily, was incredibly emotional, and coming down from an entirely terrifying experience. And while our 16-year-old was upset, he was not close to being as upset as my wife. He said that he had been grabbed and pushed by his father, but he hadn’t been hit, and he didn’t think he needed medical attention.
Later in the evening, my wife told me something I thought was rather shocking and revealing. Our 16-year-old wasn’t scared. He was upset, but he wasn’t surprised by the reaction of his clearly insane father. My wife reiterated that when she came away from the experience, she had to breathe deeply and repeatedly before she was able to regain control of her emotional state. She had gone through trauma. And while our 16-year-old had gone through the same trauma, he was acting like this was to be expected. “He’s been through this before,” she said to me. And it settled on me that this level of insanity was something that both the boys deal with on a far-too-regular basis.
And, legally, we can’t do anything to keep our children safe. The only legal action we might have is after their father has physically hurt them or killed them. Emotional abuse means nothing. Even physical abuse means nothing if it can’t be seen by others, like being pushed and grabbed.
Why have we created a system where we cannot protect our children? Why haven’t we done something about it? Why are we not changing that right now?
When my family returned home, my wife was breathing heavily, was incredibly emotional, and coming down from an entirely terrifying experience. And while our 16-year-old was upset, he was not close to being as upset as my wife. He said that he had been grabbed and pushed by his father, but he hadn’t been hit, and he didn’t think he needed medical attention.
Later in the evening, my wife told me something I thought was rather shocking and revealing. Our 16-year-old wasn’t scared. He was upset, but he wasn’t surprised by the reaction of his clearly insane father. My wife reiterated that when she came away from the experience, she had to breathe deeply and repeatedly before she was able to regain control of her emotional state. She had gone through trauma. And while our 16-year-old had gone through the same trauma, he was acting like this was to be expected. “He’s been through this before,” she said to me. And it settled on me that this level of insanity was something that both the boys deal with on a far-too-regular basis.
And, legally, we can’t do anything to keep our children safe. The only legal action we might have is after their father has physically hurt them or killed them. Emotional abuse means nothing. Even physical abuse means nothing if it can’t be seen by others, like being pushed and grabbed.
Why have we created a system where we cannot protect our children? Why haven’t we done something about it? Why are we not changing that right now?
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
be good down
put your head down
put you down
put your head down
and be good
put your eyes down
put you down
put your eyes down
be good
right in line
stay in line
be in line
and be good
be good
be good
one
two
three
four
can you take it more?
five
six
sev
eight
will you break?
will you break?
can you break!
keep your eyes down
keep your head down
keep down
keep down
keep down
and be good
be good
be good down
Advice From Our Lawyer Regarding Our 16-Year-Old's Major Change In Circumstances
Begin forwarded message:
From: [my wife]
Date: August 28, 2012 8:24:55 AM CDT
To: [our lawyer]
Subject: [our 16-year-old] and his Dad
[our lawyer]~
[our 16-year-old] and [his dad] had a meeting scheduled with [our 16-year-old's therapist] yesterday at 5pm. [our 16-year-old's dad] called and cancelled it at 3pm. It is rescheduled for next Tuesday, Sept. 4th, at 6pm.
[my wife]
From: [my wife]
Sent: Wednesday, September 05, 2012 8:20 AM
To: [our lawyer]
Subject: Fwd: [our 16-year-old] and his Dad
[our lawyer] ~
After [our 16-year-old's dad] cancelled the meeting last week, stating that he needed "more time to think", [our 16-year-old] contacted his father asking if he could "get some of my stuff". [our 16-year-old's dad] never responded.
Their meeting with [our 16-year-old's therapist] was last night. It ended 30 minutes late with [our 16-year-old] coming out to the car extremely distraught and weeping. I have not heard from [our 16-year-old's therapist] yet (as I imagine she was spent as well) so my info is from [our 16-year-old]'s perspective only. [our 16-year-old] has felt very hurt and angry with his father for a very long time and multiple things have added up to him being very resistant to spending any time with his father at all. [our 16-year-old's therapist] and I have both encouraged him to come up with any little amount of time that he might be willing to spend with his dad, as compromising might hopefully lead to a quicker resolve. [our 16-year-old's dad]'s neglect of and non-response to [our 16-year-old] was not helping. After and hour and a half in the meeting last night, [our 16-year-old] finally agreed to go to dinner with his dad occasionally IF [his dad] would let him come get his stuff. [Dad] said that he ([dad]) needed more time to process things and that [our 16-year-old] could not get his belongings. At that point [our 16-year-old] had had all he could take of the talking in circles and angrily walked out. He was absolutely undone and sobbing. It took until very late last night for him to get calm and be able to rest.
[our 16-year-old's dad] has had 6 1/2 WEEKS to process and think about things. He is stalling and punishing [our 16-year-old]. All of this trauma and unresolved conflict has made it almost impossible for [our 16-year-old] to focus and concentrate in school, which is already a MAJOR challenge for him on good days. [our 16-year-old's dad]'s behavior is neglectful and abusive at best. He has still not communicated with me about any of this.
I am not going to subject [our 16-year-old] to any more meetings with his father unless I am present - assuming [our 16-year-old] would agree to it himself at all. I encouraged [our 16-year-old] to contact [his lawyer and the gardian ad litem] about what has happened and he refuses, believing "it will just be the same thing as with [meetings with my therapist and dad] of taking forever and nothing getting accomplished and she doesn't listen to me and I'm not going through that again!" I don't feel [our 16-year-old] is in a place where pursuing things with [his lawyer] would be good for him.
[our 16-year-old's dad] has submitted doctor and dentist bills to me for reimbursement of about $500. I am disinclined to have any moneys be exchanged between us until the MAJOR changes that [our 16-year-old's dad] has autonomously made to the custody and visitation agreement have been appropriately and satisfactorily settled.
Thoughts?
[my wife]
Begin forwarded message:
From: [our lawyer]
Date: September 5, 2012 11:13:13 AM CDT
To: [my wife]
Subject: RE: [our 16-year-old] and his Dad
I think you need to follow the order of the Court on your portion of medical bills. [our lawyer]
From: [my wife]
Date: August 28, 2012 8:24:55 AM CDT
To: [our lawyer]
Subject: [our 16-year-old] and his Dad
[our lawyer]~
[our 16-year-old] and [his dad] had a meeting scheduled with [our 16-year-old's therapist] yesterday at 5pm. [our 16-year-old's dad] called and cancelled it at 3pm. It is rescheduled for next Tuesday, Sept. 4th, at 6pm.
[my wife]
From: [my wife]
Sent: Wednesday, September 05, 2012 8:20 AM
To: [our lawyer]
Subject: Fwd: [our 16-year-old] and his Dad
[our lawyer] ~
After [our 16-year-old's dad] cancelled the meeting last week, stating that he needed "more time to think", [our 16-year-old] contacted his father asking if he could "get some of my stuff". [our 16-year-old's dad] never responded.
Their meeting with [our 16-year-old's therapist] was last night. It ended 30 minutes late with [our 16-year-old] coming out to the car extremely distraught and weeping. I have not heard from [our 16-year-old's therapist] yet (as I imagine she was spent as well) so my info is from [our 16-year-old]'s perspective only. [our 16-year-old] has felt very hurt and angry with his father for a very long time and multiple things have added up to him being very resistant to spending any time with his father at all. [our 16-year-old's therapist] and I have both encouraged him to come up with any little amount of time that he might be willing to spend with his dad, as compromising might hopefully lead to a quicker resolve. [our 16-year-old's dad]'s neglect of and non-response to [our 16-year-old] was not helping. After and hour and a half in the meeting last night, [our 16-year-old] finally agreed to go to dinner with his dad occasionally IF [his dad] would let him come get his stuff. [Dad] said that he ([dad]) needed more time to process things and that [our 16-year-old] could not get his belongings. At that point [our 16-year-old] had had all he could take of the talking in circles and angrily walked out. He was absolutely undone and sobbing. It took until very late last night for him to get calm and be able to rest.
[our 16-year-old's dad] has had 6 1/2 WEEKS to process and think about things. He is stalling and punishing [our 16-year-old]. All of this trauma and unresolved conflict has made it almost impossible for [our 16-year-old] to focus and concentrate in school, which is already a MAJOR challenge for him on good days. [our 16-year-old's dad]'s behavior is neglectful and abusive at best. He has still not communicated with me about any of this.
I am not going to subject [our 16-year-old] to any more meetings with his father unless I am present - assuming [our 16-year-old] would agree to it himself at all. I encouraged [our 16-year-old] to contact [his lawyer and the gardian ad litem] about what has happened and he refuses, believing "it will just be the same thing as with [meetings with my therapist and dad] of taking forever and nothing getting accomplished and she doesn't listen to me and I'm not going through that again!" I don't feel [our 16-year-old] is in a place where pursuing things with [his lawyer] would be good for him.
[our 16-year-old's dad] has submitted doctor and dentist bills to me for reimbursement of about $500. I am disinclined to have any moneys be exchanged between us until the MAJOR changes that [our 16-year-old's dad] has autonomously made to the custody and visitation agreement have been appropriately and satisfactorily settled.
Thoughts?
[my wife]
Begin forwarded message:
From: [our lawyer]
Date: September 5, 2012 11:13:13 AM CDT
To: [my wife]
Subject: RE: [our 16-year-old] and his Dad
I think you need to follow the order of the Court on your portion of medical bills. [our lawyer]
"I'll Think About It"
Yesterday, our 16-year-old met with his psychologist and his father. The goal was to come to an agreement about the boy’s living situation. For 6 weeks now, he’s refused to go to his father’s house. His father has failed to pick up his boy for his visitation time. For 6 weeks, our boy has been without belongings and clothes from his father’s house. The psychologist meeting yesterday was supposed to clear up some issues.
After an hour and a half, 30 minutes longer than the appointment was supposed to go, the psychologist, the boy and his father could not come to an agreement. What’s more, our 16-year-old and his father had come to an agreement that the boy would spend one evening a week with his father for a dinner, as long as he could go over to his father’s house and get his stuff. His father said, “I’ll have to think about it.” This was ultimately reduced to a “no” when asked to define what that meant. This is against the law. But no one cares. And our 16-year-old gets shafted by the legal system again.
After an hour and a half, 30 minutes longer than the appointment was supposed to go, the psychologist, the boy and his father could not come to an agreement. What’s more, our 16-year-old and his father had come to an agreement that the boy would spend one evening a week with his father for a dinner, as long as he could go over to his father’s house and get his stuff. His father said, “I’ll have to think about it.” This was ultimately reduced to a “no” when asked to define what that meant. This is against the law. But no one cares. And our 16-year-old gets shafted by the legal system again.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
The Boat Is Sinking
The Boat springs a leak, which is brought to the attention of the captain. The captain announces to the people that the boat is damaged and we run the risk of sinking in the freezing water if we don’t fix the leak soon. Menlo, a politician, addresses the people.
“This boat has a leak, and we need to work hard to fix it. I can lead you in a way that will allow all of us to continue to enjoy this boat as long as we all work hard!” The people applaud. Lonem, another politician, addressed the people.
“It’s too bad that Menlo has insulted all of us by calling this ship a boat. There’s nothing wrong with boats, but something as mighty as this is quite obviously a ship, and it’s a shame that the man leading us doesn’t see how great, mighty and big we are. And he wants you to work harder. You didn’t make the problems, and Menlo certainly can’t fix them. That’s why you need to vote for me!” And the people applaud. Menlo addresses the people.
“I have made a task force to look into the problems we are facing. These people are trying to figure out how to make things better. And in creating this task force, I have created jobs! Lonem hasn’t worked a day in his life, so he doesn’t’ understand what you and I know, that we have to work to get problems fixed! And together we can do just that!” The people applaud.
“Menlo couldn’t fix the problems himself,” says Lonem. “And that’s why he says we all need to help out. How insulting to think that I have to play clean-up after he breaks everything. You don’t need to clean up your mess and somebody else’s mess, do you? Of course not! And when you vote for me to lead you, you won’t have to clean up after anyone else!”
“Lonem hasn’t cleaned up after anyone, ever! He had a nanny clean up after everything he’s ever done, because he’s super rich and didn’t work for it!”
“Menlo isn’t really a citizen! And he wants us to work together to fix something we didn’t break!”
“Lonem doesn’t know how to build a boat or a ship. In fact, most of us don’t. If you’re enjoying prosperity here, you didn’t build it, somebody else helped create what you’re enjoying with you. No single one of us built this ship, but we’re enjoying it together, and together we can keep it running!”
“Did you hear what he said?! He said that you didn’t build what you’ve built! He said that you aren’t industrious, and he is where the American Dream goes to die! He’s killing all of us! Vote for him and vote for death! Death, I tells ya! DEATH!”
“Are you kidding me? Lonem doesn’t understand what it means to work, so he honestly believes he created everything. He doesn’t understand what you’re going through because he owns a horse!”
About that time, The Boat sank. And as people on The Boat died because nobody took action to fix the leak in time, all the politicians continued to blame each other, as they floated away from the sunken Boat on life rafts made and bought with taxes collected from the people of The Boat, who lay dead and dying on the ocean floor beneath the verbose, impotent politicians.
“This boat has a leak, and we need to work hard to fix it. I can lead you in a way that will allow all of us to continue to enjoy this boat as long as we all work hard!” The people applaud. Lonem, another politician, addressed the people.
“It’s too bad that Menlo has insulted all of us by calling this ship a boat. There’s nothing wrong with boats, but something as mighty as this is quite obviously a ship, and it’s a shame that the man leading us doesn’t see how great, mighty and big we are. And he wants you to work harder. You didn’t make the problems, and Menlo certainly can’t fix them. That’s why you need to vote for me!” And the people applaud. Menlo addresses the people.
“I have made a task force to look into the problems we are facing. These people are trying to figure out how to make things better. And in creating this task force, I have created jobs! Lonem hasn’t worked a day in his life, so he doesn’t’ understand what you and I know, that we have to work to get problems fixed! And together we can do just that!” The people applaud.
“Menlo couldn’t fix the problems himself,” says Lonem. “And that’s why he says we all need to help out. How insulting to think that I have to play clean-up after he breaks everything. You don’t need to clean up your mess and somebody else’s mess, do you? Of course not! And when you vote for me to lead you, you won’t have to clean up after anyone else!”
“Lonem hasn’t cleaned up after anyone, ever! He had a nanny clean up after everything he’s ever done, because he’s super rich and didn’t work for it!”
“Menlo isn’t really a citizen! And he wants us to work together to fix something we didn’t break!”
“Lonem doesn’t know how to build a boat or a ship. In fact, most of us don’t. If you’re enjoying prosperity here, you didn’t build it, somebody else helped create what you’re enjoying with you. No single one of us built this ship, but we’re enjoying it together, and together we can keep it running!”
“Did you hear what he said?! He said that you didn’t build what you’ve built! He said that you aren’t industrious, and he is where the American Dream goes to die! He’s killing all of us! Vote for him and vote for death! Death, I tells ya! DEATH!”
“Are you kidding me? Lonem doesn’t understand what it means to work, so he honestly believes he created everything. He doesn’t understand what you’re going through because he owns a horse!”
About that time, The Boat sank. And as people on The Boat died because nobody took action to fix the leak in time, all the politicians continued to blame each other, as they floated away from the sunken Boat on life rafts made and bought with taxes collected from the people of The Boat, who lay dead and dying on the ocean floor beneath the verbose, impotent politicians.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Postponed Appointment With The Therapist
Our 16-year-old has an appointment to talk with his father today. This appointment is to take place with his therapist. He has said, in the past, that talking with his father is aided when he’s able to do it with the therapist in the room. She helps him express himself and facilitates communication (supposedly).
Recently, he has stated that even talking with his father with the therapist is pointless. Nothing happens, and there’s no point in talking with his father, as no change ever occurs.
Today, our 16-year-old was scheduled to talk with his father about his living schedule. For one month now, his father has not picked up our 16-year-old for his visitation time. He hasn’t told my wife why this is happening. Our 16-year-old believes it’s forever. Now our 16-year-old just wants to go over to his father’s house and get some belongings that are still over there. And his cat.
Prior to this meeting, the father wanted to attack my wife (primarily) and our 16-year-old (secondarily) for not including him in the decision to send our 16-year-old to driver’s education classes. Our 16-year-old and my wife have been attempting to talk with him about this for six months. He has said, literally, nothing to either of them about this subject. Then, when they actually take care of the issue themselves, he sends emails to the therapist—six, in total—regarding this atrocity. The “atrocity”, of course, is that he was circumvented by my wife and his 16-year-old, and his unwillingness to talk about a subject was not successful in making that subject go away or completely stop. Not talking is his biggest weapon. For those who believe in talking, the act of not talking, typically, shuts them down and makes them powerless. His tactic of not talking has worked on my wife, both his sons, 4 lawyers, one mother, one father, and a slew of people who used to identify themselves as friends to my wife. If somebody wants to talk with you, you are in power and remain that way as long as they want to talk with you.
So my wife sent an email to the therapist, saying that the father had 6 months to talk about driver’s education. He refused. This issue is dead. The most pressing issue right now is where our 16-year-old is going to be living, in what capacity, and how will he have access to his belongings and cat. This issue has not been discussed, and needs to be resolved before causing any more distress to our 16-year-old. My wife is not upset about driver education. Our 16-year-old is not upset about driver education. His instructors have told him that he’s performing well-above the average and suggested he take his permit test early. They are not upset about his driver education. The only one upset is the father. It is his problem alone. However, the issue of our 16-year-old’s living situation needs to be addressed.
Today our 16-year-old had an appointment scheduled with his father and his therapist.
His father texted my wife less than 2 hours before the scheduled appointment, stating that he rescheduled the appointment for next Tuesday.
Again, not talking.
I am convinced that if the meeting actually happens, it will not be productive. My wife and 16-year-old continue to talk like it’s a possibility that his cat will come live with us. They continue talking like it’s a possibility to he will get his belongings from his father’s house. If any of this actually happens, it will be completely against all history or knowledge of the individuals involved. In other words, there is no logical reason to believe these things.
And, in all fairness, things have happened that go against all logical reason.
In my opinion, it would be best for our 16-year-old and my wife to forget about the possessions. Either that, or else go over there and have our 16-year-old enter the house and simply take the things and the pet without saying anything. I believe this will be the only way the things come over to our house. And I do not believe this will happen.
It would be nice if I didn’t care about any of this. Really it would.
But I do.
Fuck.
Recently, he has stated that even talking with his father with the therapist is pointless. Nothing happens, and there’s no point in talking with his father, as no change ever occurs.
Today, our 16-year-old was scheduled to talk with his father about his living schedule. For one month now, his father has not picked up our 16-year-old for his visitation time. He hasn’t told my wife why this is happening. Our 16-year-old believes it’s forever. Now our 16-year-old just wants to go over to his father’s house and get some belongings that are still over there. And his cat.
Prior to this meeting, the father wanted to attack my wife (primarily) and our 16-year-old (secondarily) for not including him in the decision to send our 16-year-old to driver’s education classes. Our 16-year-old and my wife have been attempting to talk with him about this for six months. He has said, literally, nothing to either of them about this subject. Then, when they actually take care of the issue themselves, he sends emails to the therapist—six, in total—regarding this atrocity. The “atrocity”, of course, is that he was circumvented by my wife and his 16-year-old, and his unwillingness to talk about a subject was not successful in making that subject go away or completely stop. Not talking is his biggest weapon. For those who believe in talking, the act of not talking, typically, shuts them down and makes them powerless. His tactic of not talking has worked on my wife, both his sons, 4 lawyers, one mother, one father, and a slew of people who used to identify themselves as friends to my wife. If somebody wants to talk with you, you are in power and remain that way as long as they want to talk with you.
So my wife sent an email to the therapist, saying that the father had 6 months to talk about driver’s education. He refused. This issue is dead. The most pressing issue right now is where our 16-year-old is going to be living, in what capacity, and how will he have access to his belongings and cat. This issue has not been discussed, and needs to be resolved before causing any more distress to our 16-year-old. My wife is not upset about driver education. Our 16-year-old is not upset about driver education. His instructors have told him that he’s performing well-above the average and suggested he take his permit test early. They are not upset about his driver education. The only one upset is the father. It is his problem alone. However, the issue of our 16-year-old’s living situation needs to be addressed.
Today our 16-year-old had an appointment scheduled with his father and his therapist.
His father texted my wife less than 2 hours before the scheduled appointment, stating that he rescheduled the appointment for next Tuesday.
Again, not talking.
I am convinced that if the meeting actually happens, it will not be productive. My wife and 16-year-old continue to talk like it’s a possibility that his cat will come live with us. They continue talking like it’s a possibility to he will get his belongings from his father’s house. If any of this actually happens, it will be completely against all history or knowledge of the individuals involved. In other words, there is no logical reason to believe these things.
And, in all fairness, things have happened that go against all logical reason.
In my opinion, it would be best for our 16-year-old and my wife to forget about the possessions. Either that, or else go over there and have our 16-year-old enter the house and simply take the things and the pet without saying anything. I believe this will be the only way the things come over to our house. And I do not believe this will happen.
It would be nice if I didn’t care about any of this. Really it would.
But I do.
Fuck.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
you are wrong
i'm really tired
of feeling tired
the weight of unfair
the weight of uncare
little thoughts
push down
bringing up
the back of my throat
you were wrong
you are wrong
you are so, so wrong
you are wrong
you are wrong
you are so, so wrong
now die!
it's like
petting
cobra
stay calm
stay slow
until
you are wrong
you were wrong
you are so, so wrong
you are wrong
you are wrong
you are so, so wrong
now die
go die
go fucking die!
stabbing is too good for you
bullets are too good for you
torture is too good for you
peeling off your skin
choking off your heart
snapping off your back
ripping out a lung
to watch you grasp
gasp
belch
for help
that's when i laugh
and laugh
and laugh
i fucking laugh
breathing
forcing
and looking
toward
peaceful
serenity
with you
bleeding
dying
crying
behind me
dripping
from me
from me
drained
you were wrong
now you're gone
of feeling tired
the weight of unfair
the weight of uncare
little thoughts
push down
bringing up
the back of my throat
you were wrong
you are wrong
you are so, so wrong
you are wrong
you are wrong
you are so, so wrong
now die!
it's like
petting
cobra
stay calm
stay slow
until
you are wrong
you were wrong
you are so, so wrong
you are wrong
you are wrong
you are so, so wrong
now die
go die
go fucking die!
stabbing is too good for you
bullets are too good for you
torture is too good for you
peeling off your skin
choking off your heart
snapping off your back
ripping out a lung
to watch you grasp
gasp
belch
for help
that's when i laugh
and laugh
and laugh
i fucking laugh
breathing
forcing
and looking
toward
peaceful
serenity
with you
bleeding
dying
crying
behind me
dripping
from me
from me
drained
you were wrong
now you're gone