Tips For Life

I've got some tips for life. Let's call them... oh, say... Tips For Life.

1. One of the arguments for preventing homosexual marriage is that we, as a nation, need to protect the Sanctity of Marriage. This would mean, of course, that there is something sacred about marriage, and the institution of husband and wife should be protected. In support of this, I recommend that we make divorce impossible, even in the event of death. That way, we will stand behind our conviction of marriage being something sacred.

2. I think all the people who want to own firearms should be allowed to own them. And I don't think they should be forced to wait to get these guns, too. It is, after all, a Constitutional Right (not originally, mind you... it was the Second amendment... meaning that the founding fathers left it out originally, but when they started realizing just how many idiots were living in this country, they wanted to ensure the right to arm themselves against them... probably... I don't know... I wasn't there... and neither were you, smarty... wait, I'm getting side-tracked). One of the biggest arguments for owning firearms is for protection. So I want to protect the owners of firearms by putting them someplace safe. I say we build a giant wall the size of, say, all the way around the Texas border, and put all the people with guns in this giant Safe Place with all the weapons they want. And we don't let them out. Why would they want to leave the Safest Place on Earth-- Texas? Then, they will be safe with all the other people who own guns. Plus, with the large wall around Texas, we won't have to worry about protecting that border from illegal immigration. Or from Texans, for that matter. This tip kills 3 birds with one stone... and I didn't have to use a gun to kill those birds!

3. I think that abortion should be completely outlawed. Completely against the law for any and all reasons. I think that, prior to the passage of this law, the people who say they believe in the Right To Life should sign a large ballot. Then, when a mother has a baby that she doesn't want or can't afford to care for, the baby will have a family chosen at random from the list of people who want to cherish that baby's life. And that family will become the legal family for that child so that the child can actually have the Right To Life. And should the mother die in the process of giving birth to the baby, a name will be chosen at random from the ballot and that person will have to pay for funeral costs of the mother, as her Right To Life was taken away from her.

4. I think that life begins at conception, and therefore, I believe that we should figure out when everyone was conceived and collect back-taxes from all of us, as we spent, on average, 9 months living in this country, illegally occupying space in our mother's wombs without paying our due to the nation that provided services for us. I also believe we should give current feti Social Security numbers starting immediately, so we can start collecting taxes from them as well. This tip not only helps support our convictions regarding Right To Life, but also helps us balance the budget! I'm multitasking here!

5. Insurance and insurance companies are good, as they have provided us with the best health care system in the world. I suggest we take this philosophy into every aspect of our lives, which, logically, would make every aspect of our lives the Best Aspect of Our Lives In The World. So now, when you go to buy a television, you have to buy insurance, in the event the television breaks and you don't have the money to cover the cost of repairs or replacement. Some people might think of this as a warranty or an extended service plan, but let's just call it insurance. And let's move it into education, too, so that you have to buy insurance in the event that your child doesn't learn or the teacher doesn't teach the correct information. And let's move it into your personal life, so that you can make that better, too. You now have to buy falling in love insurance, in the event that you don't actually love the other person or they break your heart somehow. And let's move it into buying groceries, in the event that the milk is sour when you get it home and you need some more milk. That way, you'll have to prove that there was not a pre-existing condition in your milk, like it came from a warm-blooded cow. Because, hey, if your milk came from a warm-blooded cow, there's no way that milk can be covered from going sour, as we all know that heat makes milk go sour. And this way, our insurance companies will continue to grow and profit and American will be exponentially better!

6. Parents should have the right to prevent their children from partaking in sexual education classes, which they already do, and still have their child receive a passing grade-- meaning that the child has assimilated the information given to him in school. Let's improve on this thought, however (since it's a good thought), and say that parents should have the right to prevent their children from partaking in science, math, English, reading and any other class the parent deems offensive or immoral. We should also brand those parents and children with large, burning pieces of iron, so we know who is responsible for the child when he gets into problems with the law, drugs and cults. We'll also know to charge the parents for financial costs associated with emergency medical costs (for ignorant children who are in gangs because they aren't qualified to do anything else), drug rehabilitation costs (for ignorant children who take drugs because they aren't educated in what those drugs might do to you), and unemployment and welfare benefits (for ignorant children who can't take care of themselves because they, for some reason, can't be prevented from living in the same way that they were prevented from going to classes in school).

7. Currently, American oil companies have made $27 billion in profits over the past decade. That boils down to $2.7 billion every year in money that is not used to improve the company's equipment, pay for overhead costs, insure and pay for every single one of it's employees, buy insurance for, say, environmental disasters that might happen as a result of the business being open, or any other cost associated with every aspect of running the business. Two point seven billion dollars every year for ten years which is over-and-above what they need. Currently, Democrats are trying to get tax reform passed so that these companies will no longer have the tax breaks they are getting, which, say these Democrats, will help balance our budget by bringing in money from a place that can live without it. How dare you, Democrats! If anything, we should give these behemoth companies MORE tax breaks, so they will make more money and, as Reganomics taught us, that money will "trickle down" to the people who need it the most, thus stimulating the economy! Hopefully (and I'm crossing my fingers on this one), we will have nothing in this country that doesn't depend on oil! I'm breathlessly waiting for the day I can eat a petroleum sandwich made from a loaf of congealed oil. De. Licious!

8. Socialism is not American. We should not have socialized health care, because that will destroy the current, Best In The World quality of health care we currently receive. So in that vein, we should outlaw all the current socialized programs in these United States. We need to do away with all the libraries, as they are destroying the quality of book stores in America. We need to get rid of all the public schools, because we all know that they suck. Every child will get a private school education, and every parent will pay for that education. We need to do away with the police force in favor of private security which we would pay for individually, like when you decide what kind of service you want from your cable television. You could pay for home and highway security, or maybe just protection from rapists if you don't want to spend so much money. We need to do away with the fire department, another socialized evil, and rely on our garden hoses to put out fires. That's what I'm paying the water company for! And we certainly don't need an armed military! I think we all can remember the success we had when Haliburton and Blackwater were hired as private contractors to take over for our military actions in Iraq. They had none of the restrictions of the U.S. Armed Forces and all of the weapons! It was brilliant!


I hope you're able to take these tips and use them to help your life. That's why I call them Tips For Life. With this catchy title, you also don't have to think about them much. Just implement them mindlessly into your life and you will have Tips. Tips For Life.

You're welcome.