The Claimant

I just did something I'm not supposed to do. I cared about a person.

I work for a government agency that determines if people are able to work or not. If they are found incapable of working, the government gives them money. As you might guess, there are a lot of people who are asking for money from their government. Most of the people who ask for money aren't actually incapable of working, so they are rejected. But that doesn't keep them from asking for the money. And it doesn't keep them from calling me and asking me for the money. And it doesn't keep them from being frustrated and angry and mad at me about how long the process takes and how they're going to lose their homes and how really, really sick they are. What I've found in my short time here is that most people who are actually sick don't have the energy to call and bug me. They're sick and unable to work.

There's something that really sucks, though, about being around somebody who is in pain. Especially if it's emotional pain. They cry, and blubber, and in my job these people are strangers, so I don't have any kind of relationship with them when they suddenly break down and start telling me about losing their home and their car and on top of that they are really ill. It's something that I don't really like going through.

One of the people who has asked for money has been in my system for over 230 days. That's a really long time, especially when you think about the fact that I try to get people out of my system in less than 70 days. This lady has been in my caseload for going-on a year, and it's not because of her or us. We had to send her to a doctor to get a test. And the doctor performed the wrong test. So we had to send her to another exam. And the doctor, again, performed the wrong test. So we sent her to a different doctor. This doctor refused to send us the test results. So now, we're sending her to a third doctor to go through a fourth test. In this time, she has lost her car due to financial difficulties, so she can't be driven by her husband to the exam-- which he drove her to the previous three times. I have to send an email to another state to request that this lady get a taxi cab to take her to this exam.

Every time this lady has called me, she ends up crying. She's in horrible pain, she says, and she can't work, and everything is awful. And then I can't hang up the phone, because I don't know how to hang up the phone on somebody who is bawling. And I can already tell that this lady will not qualify for money, but these tests are being ordered by the doctors who make the decisions about these cases, not me. But, more than likely, this lady will receive a letter telling her that she is capable of working someplace and she will not get a check.

When I first started here, I got a long talking-to from my boss, telling me that I was not a social worker. My job was to evaluate people's medical conditions and determine if they were capable of working. I wasn't to care for them, like a social worker would, and it was not to listen to their problems, like a psychologist would. Be impartial. Be fast. Be correct. And remove all emotion from it.

So today, this lady calls me. And she tells me that she's received a letter saying that the taxi will come and pick her up on the day of the exam and take her there. But her question to me is if they cab will allow her husband to come along with her. She tells me that he's driven her to all of her exams, and he doesn't like it when she goes out alone because he's not there to help her out. And she tells me that she likes for him to be there, even if she doesn't need him there, because he's good moral support. And I hear her talking about her ailments, and I know that she's going to start crying, no matter what I tell her.

So I tell her that I'm not in control of the taxi service, as I'm in another state, and I would recommend contacting the taxi service directly and asking them, as I can't help her in that way. She tells me that she has contacted the taxi service and they told her she would be able to take her husband with her in the taxi, and I told her that was a good thing. I tried to remind her that there were good things, like her husband being able to accompany her, and she should focus on the good things. She sighed, and she started telling me about how bad her heart was. And I could tell she was about to cry.

So I asked her if the sun was shining where she was. I know I'm not supposed to do this, but I did it anyway. I know she lives in southern California, so my guess was that the sun was shining where she was and it would be a good thing for her to focus on.

Wouldn't you know, the sun was shining where she was. "It's a beautiful day!" she said, her voice suddenly turning brighter. She talked with her husband in the background. "What's the temperature, do you know? 75? 73?" She came back to me. "It's 75 and just beautiful today." I told her that was a very good thing. "Is it not sunny where you are?" I told her that it wasn't, and she immediately became concerned. I told her it was storming here, and she asked if I was around tornadoes. I told her not at the moment, but some had touched down a little bit ago. She asked if I was alright. She asked if my house was alright. She asked if all my family was alright. I told her everything was fine, but it was important to remember the good things that happen in your life, like having a beautiful day filled with sun. She agreed. I told her to call me anytime if she needed anything. "Well you call me if you need to talk to somebody about tornadoes!" she said to me, laughing, but the concern was still in her voice. And the call ended.

I'm not supposed to ask her if the sun is shining where she is. I'm not supposed to care if she cries. I'm supposed to answer her questions as best as I can and get back to work. I'm supposed to get these cases out as quickly as possible so that people can either get a check or move on to the next step that they're going to take, of which there are many. And the time that I spent with this lady, all told, was less than 5 minutes, sunshine conversation and everything.

But I feel kinda bad that I broke a rule. And I feel kinda bad that there has to be a rule like that. And I feel kinda bad that this lady is in pain, however severe it is. And I feel kinda bad that she's expecting money and probably won't get it.

I'm gonna try to think about what it's like to have a sunshiny day. Maybe that will help.