Stupid

I hear that the lawyer has made contact with my wife sooner than expected.

I try not to let this get to me, but the only time we hear from the lawyer is when we have to deal with Fucker.

Our lawyer said that she would not contact my wife until after this Friday. Our lawyer emailed today.

My muscles feel like there are razor points inside of them. Every move I make feels like metal scraping on metal scraping on my bones. My eyes blur and seeing becomes difficult. My breath becomes shallow. My ideas become a swarm of bees right below my hair. And my heart-- shit, my heart-- it's tight and refuses to beat. My body wants to cold sweat and my skin tightens as if to push out moisture, and I can feel the tiny sweat glands under each pore push out sweat that doesn't come. My skin becomes cool in anticipation, followed by the realization that there is not cool, so it's hot, and then another pseudo-push comes from my sweat glads, and the cool-hot see-saw begins again.

I am starting to have a panic attack.

I can rationalize my way through this, and my functionality doesn't disable me. I'm able to write this now. But the symptoms are still there. And now the sides of my stomach are hurting.

I don't know if my wife has talked with our lawyer. I'm guessing she hasn't. My wife has told me that she will contact me as soon as she hears from our lawyer.

I hate this process.
I hate my body.
I hate these feelings.
I hate these thoughts I have about the people involved in this court battle.
I hate having these panic attack thoughts and feelings about the thoughts about the battle.
I hate writing like this.

I am powerful and I can control my actions.
My feelings have no foundation.
Currently, what I know is that I don't know anything.
I am not in danger.
My wife is not in danger.
My boys are not in danger.
My mother is not in danger.
My step-father is not in danger.
If any of them were in trouble, I would know about it.
My wife is safe.
Even if she is sad, crushed or crumbled by life, she is safe.
And when she is not safe, she will call me.
I am powerful and in control of my actions.

I feel slightly more focused now.

Stupid body.