A Few Good Men

You remember that famous scene in A Few Good Men where Jack Nicholson gives that "You can't handle the truth" speech? You remember what happens right after that speech? Cruise, essentially, asks if Jack is responsible for ordering a murder. Jack starts to flounder a bit, and Cruise, again, asks if Jack is responsible for ordering a murder, but he yells at his face. And Jack responds by yelling back, "You're goddam right I did!" The courtroom falls silent and Cruise looks stunned, because this guy just admitted to ordering a murder, believing it was the right thing to do.

Nicholson's character in that movie is fantastic. Somebody so flawed that he believes he is entirely above reproach or mistake. He believes that he is so infallible that he just admits to having done something as reprehensible as ordering another human to be murdered without fear of rebuke. In fact, a few moments later, he's saying to the courtroom that he has done something valiant. His actions-- ordering U.S. Marines to take actions against a fellow U.S. Marine which resulted in murder-- were to be lauded. This character is sick. He is psychotic. And he's fun for me to watch because he's a bad, bad, bad guy and you know it from the beginning of the movie that he's a bad, bad, bad guy. And he tries to hide it for the whole movie, but ultimately, he decides that he doesn't need to hide from anybody, least of all Tom Cruise in his "faggoty white uniform", and just says to the world, "I did my job and I'd do it again," referring to killing another marine. And I like that character, probably, because I've never had to deal with somebody like that-- that sick and psychotic-- ever before.

Then our lawyer called yesterday.

Our lawyer (who has earned the name Ninja Yoda), deposed Shrimp Dick on Monday. A deposition is a legal matter, with a court reporter and all, where opposing counsel (Ninja Yoda) gets to ask questions of the other side (Shrimp Dick) in a kind of preview for the trial. It's legally binding, the deposition, and you are held to what you say when you appear in court. If you change your answers between the deposition and the trial, you're breaking the law. If you lie at the deposition, you're breaking the law. It's a big deal.

So my impression is that Ninja Yoda was going to ask Shrimp Dick about this new motion he's filed, which is to dissolve joint custody between my wife and his shrimpy-withered-dick-self. He stated, in the motion, that my wife has berated him publicly and in front of their children, she has unilaterally scheduled school and doctor appointments without talking with him about them first, she has involved the boys in the litigation process unnecessarily, and has threatened the boys relationship with family members (which means my wife's mother, who maintains a relationship with Shrimp Dick through this whole mess, and continues to shun my wife at every turn).

Ninja Yoda starts by asking Srimpy about the threats to family members. Ninja Yoda: so what's up with this thing about threatening family members and hurting their relationship with the boys? Shrimpy: well, [my wife's mother] was going to be deposed, and that was a threat that [my wife] made and that hurts the boys. Ninja Yoda: you understand that you put [my wife's mother] on your list of witnesses for trial? Shrimpy: yes. Ninja Yoda: and you know that it is in my client's best interest if I know what your witnesses are going to say, so I'm the one who stated that I would have to depose her mother if we actually went to trial? Shrimpy: yes. Ninja Yoda: so you understand that it's not a threat, but a legal move originated by myself and not [my wife]? Shrimpy: yes. Ninja Yoda: so... how, again, is it a threat from my client when it came from me? Shrimpy: it's not. Point, Ninja Yoda.

Next issue. Ninja Yoda: so tell me how my client berates you. Shrimpy: well, at school and in public and in front of the boys, she berates me. Ninja Yoda: ok, can you give me an example of how she berates you? Shrimpy: well... umm... she just does. Ninja Yoda: does she call you names? Shrimpy: no. Ninja Yoda: is she nasty to you? Ninja Yoda: no. Ninja Yoda: does she do it in front of the children? Shrimpy: well, they come and go. Ninja Yoda: so they're not there? Shrimpy: no. Ninja Yoda: so how does she berate you? Shrimpy: well, you wouldn't understand. You'd have to hear it. Ninja Yoda: oh, I've heard some of it. Can you tell me how she berates you? Shrimpy: well, she talks down to me in her tone. Ninja Yoda: my client berates you with her tone? Shrimpy: yes. Ninja Yoda: so she berates you with her tone? Shrimpy: yes. Point, Ninja Yoda.

Next issue. Ninja Yoda: can you tell me how my client unilaterally schedules meetings? Shrimpy: well, she contacts the doctor or teacher, they tell her the times that they have available, and then she tells me when those times are, and I choose which time is best for me. Ninja Yoda: so you get to choose which time is best for you from a selection of times that my client presents to you? Shrimpy: yes. Point, Ninja Yoda. But she continues on this point, as there's more insanity to uncover. Ninja Yoda: I understand that my client contacted teachers recently regarding the boys and that made you mad, is that correct? Shrimpy: well, yeah! She doesn't need to speak for me. Ninja Yoda: she actually didn't speak for you, she contacted the teachers stating that you had not been able to contact the teachers. Shrimpy: she shouldn't be talking to them. Ninja Yoda: can you talk to the teachers? Shrimpy: yes! Ninja Yoda: have you? Shrimpy: no. Double point, Ninja Yoda.

At this point, Ninja Yoda has gone over every point that Shrimp Dick has presented, and he has absolutely no foundation for any of his accusations. None. Ninja Yoda: you understand, to dissolve joint custody, something severe needs to change in the conditions of the children or the parents such that this change is negatively affecting the children. You have stated that my client has a tone that she uses with you when the children aren't around, that she has not threatened any family member or put that family member's relationship with the boys in jeopardy, and that she allows you to choose appointment times from a selection of several times before she schedules them. Are you sure you want to continue with this motion to dissolve joint custody. Shrimpy: I need to talk with my lawyer [who has been sitting next to his client the entire time, saying nothing]. Ninja Yoda says that they should take a five minute recess. After five, they come back and Shrimpy says that he wants to continue with the law suit to dissolve joint custody. Ninja Yoda: can you tell me why you want to dissolve joint custody? Shrimpy: because I don't want to be questioned or criticized by your client and I want to have complete control over the boys' lives. *That, by the way, is a direct quote: "I want to have complete control over the boys' lives." Seems to fly in the face of the joint custody agreement he is currently involved in.*

So Ninja Yoda contacts us yesterday and tells us all of this. She's excited and baffled. The excitement comes from knowing that the opposition has nothing at all that they plan on using to support their arguments, and everything they have been saying is baseless. The bafflement comes from how in the fuck did Shrimpy's lawyer let this get to this point, and how in the fuck does Shrimpy believe he should continue when he has just given testimony that he's, in no uncertain terms, full of shit?? There is, at this point, no chance that the joint custody will be dissolved in Shrimp Dick's favor. There is, however, a chance that joint custody will be dissolved as he has proven himself to be insane.

Shrimp Dick is nothing like Jack Nicholson, or the character he portrays in A Few Good Men. One of the biggest differences is that Nicholson doesn't need to buy tampons every 28 days like Shrimp Dick does. Nicholson doesn't bottle, chill and drink his own urine. Nicholson doesn't squat to pee. I can't take credit for that last one, that's a direct David Mamet quote from Speed the Plow. But it fits. Shrimp Dick is a sick, sick individual who should be removed from the general population and put away for the rest of his life. He's evil and stupid and should be ended.

I love A Few Good Men, but after hearing about yesterday's events, I'm looking at that movie in a different light. It doesn't make me as happy anymore. I know there are monsters worse than Colonel Nathan R. Jessup, and one of them is in charge of caring for my boys more than half of their lives. I don't like thinking about that, or thinking about what he might do if his psychotic delusions come crashing down, like waking up on May 22nd, 2011, and realizing your religious leader has taken you for a ride and you're screwed.

I will choose not to think about that. It hasn't happened. It's not here. There's no need to project fear about things that haven't happened. There's a difference between being prepared for an event and dwelling in it's forecasted tragedies.

I'm gonna live here:

Col. Nathan R. Jessup: I'm gonna rip the eyes out of your head, and piss in your dead skull! You fucked with the wrong marine! You fuckin' people. You have no idea how to defend a nation. All you did was weaken a country today, Caffey. You put people's lives in danger. That's all you did. Sweet dreams, son.

Daniel Caffey: Don't call me "son". I'm a lawyer and an officer in the United States Navy. And you're under arrest, you son of a bitch. The witness is excused.

Fuckin' A. The witness is excused.