Storming Through Insecurities

Feeling super insecure today in regards to performing.

I was a professional entertainer for over 10 years.  I have a bachelor's degree and completed two years in a masters program for performance.  I've been on a stage in some capacity since my age was in single digits.  I know that I was good.

And that's the crack-- the small crack-- "I was good."

I look at all these people who are currently performing, and I start to believe that they're better than me.  That it's pointless for me to even do it, because nobody will want to watch me.  No one will want to be entertained by me.  No one will be entertained by me.  I am not entertaining.  I am not good.  I WAS, but not now.  Keep my head down, do my day job.  Forget anything about what your professional dreams were.  That's over.  Embrace this sweat jacket schlub of a man you've become.  You fat, fat, farty fuck.

And yet, there's some part of me that feels really familiar... really comfortable... a part of me that is confident... and it remains confident in this flurry of insecurity... a part of me that persevered in my early days... a part of me that made my roommate say I was like Rocky, in that life would beat me down and I would pop right back up... it's a part of me that's continuing... it's making me do things like find out what clubs have open mics... it's making me say things like "it's going to happen"... it's the one little bit of me that keeps me standing when all I really want to do is lie down... and it's done this for me before... this part of me has been here before... and it's easier to trust this part of me, because it helped me before...

it sucks feeling beaten down
but i'm not giving up
i'm just super insecure right now
but, to quote Rocky...
"...I didn't hear no bell."