Pulled Muscles and Diet Pepsi

I took a drink of diet Pepsi as I was breathing in.
Diet Pepsi went into my lungs.
I coughed violently, exacerbating a pulled muscle in my stomach.
I pulled a muscle in my stomach when I was sneezing once.
I might have pulled my groin muscle when I was sneezing once, too.
Or I might have pulled my groin muscle when I was getting off the couch.
The point is, I pulled my groin muscle.

I suppose these things are happening because I'm 40.
If I say that, though, I have no control over them.
Which maybe I don't.
Butt... and I mean butt...
Maybe, just maybe... naughty girls need love, too.
And maybe...
These things are happening...
Because Baby Jesus is displeased with me.
Butt maybe...
And here's the real butt here...
These things are happening because I'm out of shape and my mouth forgot that I can't breathe and swallow fluid simultaneously.