I'm Afraid

These are the things that I'm afraid of
I'm afraid of
I'm afraid
These are the things that I'm afraid of
I'm afraid of
These

I'm afraid of getting in trouble with mom and dad
being bad
being sad
being glad
looking dumb
feeling numb
which football team do I cheer for without worrying about somebody keying my car?
I'm afraid of dying
I'm afraid of hell
I'm afraid that heaven isn't going to be so swell, too
I mean, if it's just all your family and loved ones sitting on clouds with harps-- I mean, there's a really good reason why harp music hasn't hit any of the top forty charts in, like, eight hundred years.
I'm afraid of harp music!
I'm afraid of getting my girlfriend pregnant
I'm afraid of STDs
I'm afraid she's cheating on me
I'm afraid of gangs and guns and grotesque violence I see on the news
I'm afraid of the news
I'm afraid of the news
I'm afraid of the news!!
I'm afraid of drowning, that's why I don't swim
I'm afraid of crashing, that's why I don't drive
I'm afraid of heartbreak, that's why I don't kiss
I'm afraid of failure, that's why I don't wish
I'm not good enough
I'm not smart enough
I don't look like Brad Pitt
I'm afraid of my wife, she's going to leave me
She's going to blame me
She's going to take half of what I own
I'm afraid the bank will take the other half
I'm afraid of diseases
I'm afraid of the measles
I'm afraid of getting fired
I'm afraid I won't get hired anywhere else
That's why I stand perfectly still and hope it all goes away

These are just some of the things I'm afraid of
I'm afraid of
I'm afraid of
I'm afraid of ending my sentences with prepositions
That's why these are just some of the things of which I am afeared.