Today I Ache

Today I ache. My body is yelling at me, but I can’t understand anything more than “I’M IN PAIN!” My neck and shoulders hurt when I move them. My back feels like it’s done a thousand sit-ups. My stomach feels like I ate a plate of poop. So does my mouth. My head is covered in a thick gauze. My feet feel like I’ve been waiting tables for a triple shift at Waffle House for the past three days. My legs and butt have been beaten up by midgets with brass knuckles. I try to remind myself that this would be a positive feeling if I had just started a workout program. I would welcome these feelings. “Ah yes,” my body would sigh, “these are the feelings of a body that has been worked out and is on its way to getting stronger.” I think the biggest part that’s missing from this equation is that I didn’t start a workout program.




I remember liking Waffle House. I also liked Village Inn pancake house. And IHOP. Jimmy’s Egg… not so much. Beverly’s… nah. And, to this day, never eat at Ann’s Chicken Fry, if for no other reason than adherence to tradition. I also liked Furr’s cafeteria. My wife doesn’t think they’re around anymore, though. Shame. They had great chess pie. I love chess pie.



If my fat body could comfortably fit into a booth or chair at Waffle House, I might go there soon. My physical discomfort with restrictive seating is helping me maintain my budget. Thank you, Enorm-ass!