Gun.

Yesterday I had a desire to buy a gun.

I'm a pretty big pacifist-- Gandhi is a rather large influence in my life-- so recognizing the desire to own a handgun was a pretty big shock.

I guess I'm still feeling like buying a gun. If they were any cheaper than they are, I might actually get one. And there are two children in my home. There are so many reasons not to own a gun. And yet...

I found myself feeling like the world was coming to a head-- where people were unwilling to accept that there were other people on the planet, other points of view, other ways of looking at something. And when you apply pressure to an environment that will not flex or accommodate or adjust to changing conditions-- even to ACKNOWLEDGE that other conditions might exist-- it makes for a volatile situation. And I imagined the streets filled with mob-mentality crazies, eagerly shooting anyone they could and eating their flesh. Looting their houses. Then shooting more people. And then raping them, and shooting them again. And my boys' father (reportedly) has a small arsenal of semi-auto and full-auto guns, and that man is crazy. Like dangerous-crazy. And he's not alone in this state. Everyone here has a gun and they're more than eager to use it on anybody. My state legislature passed a law making it LEGAL for licensed concealed gun owners to carry their firearms on college campuses. I live in a place that desperately wants to return to the days of the Wild West, where it's ok to shoot people in the streets. I live in a place filled with dangerous, fundamentalist, gun-owning psychopaths. Gun owners want to kill.

So here I am imagining my family being attacked by crazies with guns. And I suddenly became really protective. And I felt stupid. If I'm able to see into this possible future, why would I not protect my family as best I can against this threat. If I do nothing, when the crazies gun us down it will be because I didn't want to protect us enough. I did nothing because I wanted to stubbornly stick to my beliefs that people can talk about their feelings, and that will be enough to resolve any conflict. But I don't really believe that. I believe when you get a whole bunch of rednecks who don't believe there are any correct thoughts other than their own, and they are ready and willing to kill people, I don't think they would slow down even for a second if I tried to reason with them. They have no reason.

There was a part of me that hoped this desire would go away with time.
It was only yesterday that I wanted to buy a gun.
It's today and the feeling isn't gone.
In fact, I went so far as to ask my gun-loving 15-year-old his personal opinion about the gun that I have in mind to buy: a Glock 19C.
Accepting that I'm a pacifist as he has, his face crinkled with worry as he asked me why I wanted to know, but then said it didn't really matter why, and told me that the Glock 19 was generally considered a good gun: reliable, durable, accurate, easy to handle, and 9mm guns are often thought to be overall better than .45 caliber guns, as a .45 can be unwieldy and tough to shoot and hold, whereas a 9mm has almost as much stopping power as the .45 without the size, bulk, weight and recoil. I could see the concern on his face when I asked, so I didn't pursue the conversation at all after he finished talking and we both let it drop.

That look on my boy's face is another reason not to get a gun.

And yet...