Booger Issues

Here's the dealio, yo: I've got a booger stuck in my nose and it's bugging the shit out of me!

Can't pick it out. Can't blow it out. It's just rattling around in my left nostril, like a lose rock in your shoe, except it's a loose booger in your nose. Not quite enough to make me sneeze, but enough to make the left side of my face water. Yup. The entire left side of my face. Watering. At my work desk. At work.

What the hell do you do when you get a loose booger like that?? I'll tell you what I do: I punch a kitten. In the face. Not my kitten, mind you. I like my kitten. No, it should be a small, ugly kitten not affiliated with me or my emotions at all. Let's say... it's your kitten. Your ugly kitten with one, oozing eye. And by "your kitten", I don't mean your kitten, per se, I just mean a kitten that's not mine and nobody really has an emotional attachment to the kitten. A kitten that everyone could claim to be "your" kitten. Not even the kitten's mother claims it. "Who me? No, it's not my kitten. Go ahead and punch it, I don't care. Look, it's got an oozing eye. It's begging to be punched." Even the kitten knows. "Yeah, I'm an ugly, oozing kitten and I should be punched. Oh, no, it's not going to hurt or nothing. Just a way for you to graphically blow off metaphorical steam without any guilt. I actually was made for this purpose: to get punched. In the face. Look at me-- I've got an oozing eye, for chrissake! Punch me already, you pussy!" And when you try to point out that you are not the pussy, but rather, the kitten is the actual pussy, it grabs your hand and forces you to punch it. In the face. At which point, you feel better. And so does the pussy. Pussycat.

/Thuh EH-yund/