Rolling Through Past Somebodys

I go looking through the internet for people I haven't thought about in years.

Some thought jumps into my head at work that makes me think of somebody or something, and I'm off looking for any sign of them. What do they look like now? What are they doing? Are they successful? Are they happy? Can they get me a job?

I often find myself stringing people together-- one person reminds me of another person reminds me of another person. And before long, it feels like I've reconstructed a part of my memory that I had willfully broken at some point because I didn't want to deal with it for whatever reason... even if the only reason I broke it a while ago was because it was taking up space and I needed room for new thoughts and newer memories.

I often find myself rooting for the people who aren't successful and silently bitching about the people who are. They shouldn't be successful! What's wrong with this world where that person gets a TV show and I work for the government?! Yeah, I know... my thoughts have nothing to do with their success, but rather, my perceived lack of success. And simply because somebody is successful doesn't limit my opportunities. I'M the one who hasn't done anything. THEY'RE the one who has done something! I know all this... and yet, my broken-wheel-shopping-cart brain takes me back to they suck and life isn't fair.

I found myself looking at a girl I knew on the boat today. She's married but doesn't use her husband's last name and doesn't talk about him. That gets under my skin. Not sure why. Found another friend of mine from a way-long time ago. She doesn't talk about her husband or use his name. I wondered if she was still married. Her blog talked about "tragedies" and "hard times", and I found myself thinking she's divorced, just like everyone else.

Sometimes I find myself counting the years of other people's marriages. I don't want to get divorced. I feel like I've found my person. She deals with my crazy well, it seems, and I like her and she seems to like me and lets me kiss her a lot. I like all of that. But I know that divorce is a thing that happens, and although I don't feel that it's even a remote possibility, it's still a thing. People divorce every day.

I feel like I'm looking for a connection of some kind. But that doesn't even make sense to me. What connection am I trying to find? I used to go on stage and connect with lots of people at a times, sometimes hundreds at a time. That was good. Am I trying to do that now? And part of it makes me feel like I'm not doing a good enough job being married. If I'm trying to find a connection with hundreds of strangers, then I'm obviously not trying hard enough to be a good husband. Isn't my wife all I need to connect with? Is it about a connection at all? What the fuck's wrong with me?!

I've sent a couple of anonymous emails to these past friends to see if they respond. I sent another email to another friend a while ago, but that one was just silly. I haven't really been the type of person to stay in touch very well. Maybe I'll start staying in touch better. Maybe I won't. I don't fucking know! Quit pressuring me, jeez!