Calm and Couch

Feeling better today.
Had some good couch time last night. Good talking. Good friend.
I was glad to relax with my wife. Seems like we don't actually get to relax much of the time when we're together. We did last night.
It made me good to feel like I could show her the pictures of my old friend and not have her get too sensitive about if I had dated this friend in the past. Or maybe she did, but she got over it quickly. Whatever it was, it was nice to actually be able to talk about the friend of mine rather than having it make her feel sensitive, which would turn us to talking about that rather than the friend and the idea of using her for a movie idea. And my wife was honest about her, I felt, when she didn't want to laugh about her bio, but she really was. And when she said that she looked good, but didn't look 18. And those comments didn't sound like she was being caddy or mean, they sounded honest. Like she was able to tell me what she was really thinking. And then we stopped talking about my old friend and went on to talk about other things. And we actually got to be together. I still get nervous that my wife is going to get uptight about other girls, weather or not I find them attractive, weather or not I've dated them. Other girls are a threat to my wife and to the usual peace of my marriage. It felt nice to feel like my wife knew she was tops, like she was the chosen one, and no one else could be a threat. It felt nice to be able to talk about this other person without having it turn too badly into something that it isn't. It makes me more comfortable, and I think it makes my wife more comfortable. She certainly acted more comfortable. That was nice. Really nice. And calming.

It allowed me to open up more, even if that meant doing nothing at all. I could let my metaphorical fist relax a little. There's more calm in relaxing.

I think about last night and how I get nervous when I think I'm going to upset my wife in any way, and how that makes me uptight. I wonder how many other things like that there are in my life that I'm just not aware of. I've even put words to my discomfort about this one area of my life, and I've even talked with my wife about it, but sometimes those things don't hit home with me right away. Sometimes they wait months, maybe years even, before I actually can see them and I think, "wow, I mentioned this years ago, and I'm just now seeing it, or I'm just now able to get over it." Maybe it wasn't me. Maybe it was my wife's reaction. She made one comment, and then moved on. Maybe it was more her than me. Maybe it wasn't. I'm not really sure. But I'm trying to work it out now, in the calm of the next day after something good, so that I can repeat it in the future.

I'm thankful for my last night wife and couch time.
I'm thankful for our talking and giggling and laughing and being together.
I'm thankful for our time and our presence.
I'm thankful for our meal.
I'm thankful for my wife's words that reminded me to be thankful more often.
To actively force myself to remember what's good.
Yes, the broken-shopping-cart-wheel brain may steer you to the ditch
But you can steer it back to the kittens.
And kittens are funner than ditches.
And they're easier to put in your broken shopping cart, too.