The Tallest Sunflower

There was a sunflower. Everybody agreed that he was the tallest sunflower that had ever lived. Everybody rejoiced, because it was a great achievement to have the tallest sunflower in the valley. They were proud. They were confident. All of them stood tall because they all felt like winners. All the other sunflowers took the giant sunflower to the measuring wall. He put his back up against the wall, and when he was measured, it was found that he was taller than all other sunflowers who had ever lived. Everybody was happy and they had a big party.

Another sunflower was born, and he worked hard to become the tallest sunflower. People had talked about how great it was to be the tallest, and this sunflower wanted to be great and have a party thrown in his honor. And when he was taken to the measuring wall, he was not as tall as Tallest (as he had come to be known). The Shorter sunflower didn't think that was fair. He had worked really hard, but he still wasn't as tall as Tallest.

Shorter had been told that hard work would pay off, but it didn't seem to work out for him this time. He wasn't ready to believe that he had been lied to. So he knew that he would have to work harder if he wanted to be the tallest sunflower, and then his hard work would actually pay off, just as he had been taught. Shorter found Tallest, and beat the shit out of him, so that Tallest couldn't walk straight anymore.

Shorter went to the other sunflowers and said, "Look, Tallest is now shorter than me! That makes me the tallest!" The other sunflowers agreed, Shorter was taller than Tallest now, even though they weren't quite sure why Tallest was walking as if he had the shit beaten out of him. But some of the children sunflowers noticed that Shorter didn't measure up to Tallest's height on the measuring wall. Sure, Shorter was taller than Tallest now, but Shorter was not the tallest sunflower ever. And the valley of sunflowers decided not to throw a party. Nothing had been achieved.

Shorter was sad that there was no party. And Shorter heard people talking about how Tallest was still the tallest sunflower, because Tallest had the highest mark on the measuring wall. So Shorter knew he would have to work harder to become the tallest sunflower. So Shorter burned down the measuring wall and drowned the children sunflowers who started the rumors that Shorter wasn't the tallest and he made a law that Tallest's new name was going to be Pig Vomit. That would make sure that Shorter's hard work would pay off.

And Shorter was the tallest sunflower around.
People taunted Pig Vomit and urinated on him, for what kind of a failure is named Pig Vomit? Soon, they forgot his name was ever Tallest.
People forgot about the measuring wall.
And Pig Vomit died from a broken stem. He couldn't hold up his flower anymore.
And people made more children sunflowers. They forgot about the ones who had been drowned.

And another sunflower wanted to be taller than Shorter. So he murdered Shorter with a pounding stick.
And a shorter sunflower wanted to be the tallest, so he bashed in the head of the tallest sunflower with a ratchet.
And everyone worked really hard to become the tallest sunflower around.
And their hard work paid off.

Many sunflowers became the tallest sunflower, even though they were shorter than their predecessors. They worked really hard to become the tallest sunflower by bashing, burning, drowning, voting off the island, buying corporate interests, running slanderous advertisements during prime time television, buying news corporations to tell people false information, illegally tapping into people's cell phone conversations and email exchanges, scaring people into believing there are terrorists who have weapons of mass destruction, cutting funding to public schools, refusing to pay teachers an appropriate wage to teach the younger sunflowers how to think for themselves and question everything, or generally becrappenning the tallest sunflower until he didn't even want to stand up anymore. And the tallest sunflower around continued to grow smaller and smaller, shorter and shorter. Until, eventually, the tallest sunflower around was shorter than all the other sunflowers.

And all the sunflowers rejoiced, because their valley had the tallest sunflower around. And that was a real achievement!