What I Should Have Said...

My wife's birthday is coming up, so I pulled our boys into the rumpus room to have a talk about how they wanted to celebrate her this year.

"This year, money's a little tight, so mom and I talked about celebrating each other with a dinner that we all make together," I explained. The 14-year-old broke in.
"Why's money tight?"
"Well, because of court costs, and lawyers, and... court costs. So we don't have as much as we have in the past."
"So it's because of dad," says the 10-year-old.
"Well, court is expensive, and we've bought you both a lawyer and we paid for a lawyer for us, and it's expensive, so we're going to celebrate mom with a dinner this year."

What I Should Have Said...

"So it's because of dad," says the 10-year-old.
"Dad isn't spending our money. Dad doesn't have control over us here. We chose to listen to you and to fight for what we believe in. WE chose to spend our money. Nobody else can make me choose to spend money, least of all your father. So no, it's not dad's fault. He has no control over my money."

What I Would Like To Have Said...

"So it's because of dad," says the 10-year-old.
"Your father is a buttfucking cunt with a dick the size of a garden pea. He shits out his mouth. He's the reason people invented abortion."