I've Been Thrown Out Of Family Day

I'm furious and I can't hide it nor can I deal with it.
I can't vent. I have no one to talk to. I have nothing to beat up. It's trapped, my fury.
And it's bubbling over onto everybody here.

Today is supposed to be "Family Day".
My wife came up with it as a day when we can all be together and enjoy each other.
Yesterday, my anger was so great that I stayed in bed all day. Literally. I didn't come out at all. I was brought food by my wife, but not until the evening. I felt like my anger had completely pushed any hunger out of my body.
Today, my wife asked me if I was going to join them. She told me how much the boys wanted to spend some time with me.

Now, I find myself not only angry with the situation, but also with them. And my anger with them isn't great. It's just there. I can't ask them what they told the guardian ad litem. I can't ask them what they tell their father. All I know is that they told us that they were unhappy living with their father, they were more comfortable living with us, the 14-year-old told his therapist that he would be happier living with us. But the guardian ad litem doesn't believe the father has done anything wrong and so the custody and visitation schedule should stay the way it is.

So what am I to believe? I haven't been listened to, my wife hasn't been listened to. Either the therapist hasn't been listened to or she's lied to me. Either my 14-year-old hasn't been listened to or he's lied to me. And the day that the guardian ad litem released her report stating that the boys' visitation schedule shouldn't be altered, the boys' father bought them over $100 in gifts. "As a treat." And the 14-year-old even said, "My father bought me this for some reason, and I don't care what it was because it's cool."

So here I am furious.
I feel like the boys and their father went out and celebrated a victory over me and my wife. They celebrated. And there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing my wife or I can say when the 14-year-old threatens to kill himself. Nothing we can say when the 10-year-old is prescribed medication-- that we don't know about-- and he doesn't tell us about it and their father doesn't tell us about it. There's nothing we can do to keep these boys safe.

And I am furious.
But I know they want to spend time with me.
So I try to go out there. I can't take it and I turn around and go back into the room.
But I forced myself out there.
But I don't want to be out there. I don't want to talk to anybody, because all I'm doing is suppressing rage. I have this desire to tear down everything around me. I want to breath fire on everything and watch it consume everything. Including myself. I want fire.
But I'm trying to be with my family.
It doesn't work.
I can't talk, I can't string together anymore than a few words in a sentence. 14-year-old is fighting his mother about doing his homework. Homework, that is, that should have been done while he was with his father. Homework that isn't being done so that his father can tell the guardian ad litem, "Yes, my relationship with my 14-year-old is getting better and it's getting worse with his mother." Which is true. Because his mother makes him do his homework. Even the stuff that he hasn't done while he was with his father. Probably because she's trying to help him. But they're fighting. And the 10-year-old gets to hear them fighting, and he was the one quoted in the guardian ad litem's report saying that the relationship between the 14-year-old and his mother was getting worse because of homework. And I hear this fight going on, and I think that the 14-year-old should fail. That's what he's fighting for. He's fighting to not work, which will lead to failure. And his relationship with the one parent who cares about him is getting worse because she doesn't want him to fail. Everybody else is comfortable with his failure. All I can do is stare out the window. I can barely relate to any of them.
So then the 10-year-old asks me what I want to do. I tell him I don't know. And I hate that question anyway. If I want to do something, I will tell you. I don't need prompting. I don't need you to continue to ask me. In fact, I'm a laid back kind of guy, you tell me you want to do something, I'm probably going to say sure, I'll do whatever you want to do. But if I want to do something, I'll either tell you or I'll just do it. So he asks everybody what they want to do, and nobody knows what they want to do. And I know that they're all taking their cues off me. I'm unhappy and so they're unhappy. My anger is affecting all of them, even my wife. So the 10-year-old asks everybody again what they want to do, and I ask him, "What do YOU want to do?" Quit putting the pressure on everybody else to fill your life with activities. If nobody is doing anything, assume that they are doing what they want to do. Asking them what they want to do isn't going to prompt them into doing something else. So he asks everybody again, and he gets to me.
"What do you want to do?" And I spun on him.
"I want you to figure out what you want to do and stop asking me what I want to do."
It was harsh. And it wasn't his fault.
And the 14-year-old tells me that I should go back to my bed until I feel better. And the 10-year-old tells me the same thing. I ask them if that's what they want. And they say that maybe I should until I'm feeling better. Then, at the same time that I announce I'm going back to bed, my wife pulls me into the room and cries and tells me that I should stay in the room until I can interact with the boys without making them feel like it's their fault that nobody listened to them or her. I told her I would stay in the room.

I continue to be angry.
I feel as if it will never go away.
And I don't want to interact with them, because I know that I will avoid being interacted with until they force me to interact with them, and then I will say a harsh sentence.
This whole fucking things goddam sucks.
And I'm fucking furious.
And I don't know how to make it go away.
And I'm certain that my wife will ask me how I can make it go away, because it's taking me away from them.
And I will say I don't know, because I don't.
And she'll feel upset.
And I will feel upset.
Or she'll tell me how she had three days to do nothing and get over it and I haven't had any days to get over it. But that doesn't make me feel good when it's family day and I'm told that people are wanting me to come and be with them during family day. I'm just going to make it all suck.

I know it's not the boys' fault.
My anger with them is something I can deal with.
But when there is so much more anger, it gets balled up with that other anger.
I'm overwhelmingly angry at life.
Just a little angry with the boys. Not even as angry with them as I've been with them about other things.
I'm probably not angry with them anymore. Just typing has released that.
But I'm still furious that, on Thursday, their father will come over and pick them up for the night and then we will pick them up on Friday. And on Thursday, they will be happy to go back over there because I will have been angry this whole week. They will be eager to get away from me. And I'll be my wife will be eager to get away from me, as well.
And they will get gifts when they go to their father's house. And they will love their gifts. And then they will begrudgingly come back over here on Friday for a week's worth of horror with their awful step-father who ruins life with his uncontrollable anger issues.
I'm staying in the room for the rest of the month.