Spine Shocks

I get these electric shocks sometimes. They feel like somebody has just hooked a battery up to my body. Most of the time I get them up and down my spine and in my neck. Sometimes they shoot out to my shoulders and even into my arms and fingers.

They happen when I remember things.
Things that I don't want to remember.
It's like my body is judging behavior that I have deemed unacceptable.
I was bad, and now my body continues to punish me for it.

I see this picture in my head of an ex-girlfriend and I feel guilty that I broke up with her. No, I feel guilty that I ever went out with her. I feel like I was lying when I told her that I wanted to go out with her. I obviously didn't want to go out with her, because we broke up. And so I feel like I lied. Or even-- a more sane thought-- I changed my mind about her. I initially thought I wanted to go out with her, but then I decided that I didn't want to anymore. I didn't like her enough to continue seeing her. And then I feel stupid, like, "Why didn't I see that sooner?" And now I have to hurt her. And I don't like hurting people. And then her friends write me emails telling me about how bad I am. Like they're confirming what I'm already thinking. They tell me I'm evil and a horrible monster. And even though I know in my head that they are going over the top, I just really hate hurting people, so I feel guilty. It's my fault that she's hurting, and so I must have done something bad.

And that was back in 2006.

And now I think about it and think that there's something wrong with me because I can't let it go. Because it still sends electric shocks up my back. And my wife tells me that I must be getting something out of it, and she tells me this because that's what I tell her. And I believe that's true. But I don't know what I'm getting out of it. And I don't know how to get rid of it. It feels like a sickness that I can't shake. I don't have medicine for it. I don't always remember it, but when it comes back, it's really hard to shake.

And I don't know when it's going to happen or what's going to set it off. And I don't know how to get rid of it.