Snake On A Porch

There was a fucking snake on my front porch this morning!

My wife said something like, "garter snakes don't bite," and, "there's nothing to be worried about," and, "it's a small one, everything's okay." But I know better! That snake was waiting to eat me! Anybody else see "Snakes On A Plane"??? I rest my case! And he had the perfect time of day, too: when I've just awokened and am groozy and woggy from an unproductive night's (non) rest. That's the best time to jump me and eat me! Like the perfect killing machine that he is! All three inches of him ready for dinner at 7 am!

But my wife handled the situation perfectly.
"Would you like to leave through the side door?"
Yes I would, Brilliant Wife!

She totally saved my life today.