I'm Off

I'm feeling a little off today.
I get this way often.
I can't concentrate on work... or anything else, for that matter.
My thoughts bounce around, never settling on one particular thing, not allowing me to focus.
I'm anxious about something.
Waiting for something to happen.
But nothing is going to happen.
Nothing is supposed to happen, but I'm waiting for it.
And I know how stupid it is to feel uptight like this, like I'm missing something or like I'm late for an appointment, but I can't seem to talk myself down from it.
Background noises quickly and easily distract me.
Random passing thoughts quickly and easily pull my attention away from work.
Even from typing this.
Getting my thoughts to calm down enough to be coherent is tough.
Getting my thoughts to come out through my fingers is tough.
Not quite a struggle... but almost.

I hate this feeling.
I haven't felt this way in a while.
I associate this with clinical anxiety.
I'm not certain that's what it is, but that's what I have in my head.
I also associate this feeling with -- court
-- my wife's mother
-- Bastard Ex-husband
-- lawyers
-- domestic disputes
-- my wife or boys being abused by any of the above
-- my boy's football games
-- school meetings where Bastard or wife's mother will be
-- my wife's text tone on her cell phone
(when I hear it, it's normally not me texting, but Bastard)
This feeling produces electricity in my heart and bones, along with electrical shocks in my spine.
My heart races.
My skin gets cold and sometimes goes numb.
My breathing becomes shallow.
My vision works, but nothing that I see really registers initially. It takes a few moments for me to realize what I'm seeing.

I hate this feeling.
I feel as if this is something that is beyond my control.
As if I will always have these physical and emotional symptoms as long as we're dealing with Bastard, Wife's Mother, court, lawyers, football, etc.
I know there are medications.
This feels beyond medication.
This feels unavoidable.
Something that must be.

And I hate it.