What Is Mean?

I'm not trying to belabor an issue, but my wife thinks that I can be mean sometimes.

Now she would tell you that she doesn't think I'm mean. She and I have talked about this before. And I usually start by saying, with a grin, that she thinks I'm mean. And she tells me that she doesn't think I'm mean. Last night, she clarified (again) that she thinks I have the capacity to say mean things on occasion. So I'm not mean, obviously. I just have the capacity to say mean things on occasion.

She has said that the only time I may have said anything mean to her is in the heat of some heightened state we were in at one point, but she cannot remember any specifics. I'm pretty sure there was a time when she felt I was being mean, and I backed down rather quickly after realizing that I was being taken as being mean.

But I think that's what I've come to understand "mean" as being in my life. It's not something that I do on purpose. It's something that happens as a result of something I've done which causes me to apologize to the hurt party, letting them know that I did not intend any malice or harm.

I wouldn't classify myself as a mean person. I would classify a mean person as somebody who intentionally tries to hurt somebody. And I don't think that I try to intentionally hurt people. Ever. I have tried to intentionally annoy somebody recently by shushing him when he was trying to talk. I have intentionally cut-down a person who was intentionally trying to cut me down. I have verbally tried to shut down people who are attempting to bully me. But I am not intentionally trying to hurt anyone. Ever. Even Crusty Shitface. I have not nor will I attempt to hurt him intentionally.

And I'm not even going to say that verbally shutting down people who are attempting to bully me or cutting down somebody who is trying to cut me down would be classified as intentionally trying to hurt somebody.

If somebody throws a punch at your face and you are able to, judo-style, wrestle them to the ground without putting them in significant pain yet neutralizing the threat of physical violence, would you call that person mean? I would not. If somebody throws a punch at you and you absorb the punch and say, "that's not okay," and then they throw another punch at you, are you supposed to repeat your words? I believe that if you say, "That's not okay," and the action persists, it is appropriate for some consequence to occur, say, you shut down the personal verbally without actually harming the person. They have been warned, yet they persist. You either do nothing and victimize yourself or you stand up for yourself.

I will chose to stand up for myself.

I am not mean. I do not go around intentionally hurting people. Ever. Not once have I tried to hurt another person. Nor do I believe I ever will. I also will not tolerate people trying to pick on me or those I care about. That is not okay. And what I mean by that is that I will do something should the picking continue. I will do something, and you have the choice to continue your actions and see what I'll do, or you can stop, and my contemplations will not become actions. It's your choice. And I will not feel badly should you continue to pick on me or those I love.

I don't walk into your cube and tell you that you need to act a certain way in my presence. I don't tell you that your life is over because you're married with kids. I don't tell you your ideas about sports aren't right because you don't appreciate amateur football. And if I did, you can bet I would expect a reaction of some kind.

You wouldn't punch a wall and then tell the wall that it's mean because you hurt your hand. Don't prod me and then tell me I'm mean when I react. It doesn't work like that.

Now, it would seem that this topic has gotten under my skin more than I thought it would.

I don't want my wife to think ill of me. Out of everybody in the world, it hurts most to think that she believes I have the capacity to say mean things upon occasion.

And I don't expect her to change her opinion.
And I don't expect me to change my actions. In fact, I feel like a pussy when I don't react to people pushing me. It feels bad, as if I'm allowing people to walk on me. To walk on my family. And I do not like that.
But I don't want her to ... oh, whatever.
It doesn't really matter what I say.
She's going to continue feeling the way she feels.
And that sucks. Cuz I don't want her to think of me as mean. Sorry, as having the capacity to say mean things upon occasion.
And I'm going to continue to stick up for my boundaries and the boundaries of my family, even when she sees it as being mean.