The ABCs of Psychosis

Today I find myself thinking about A.

1. I hadn't seen M in 2 years, and I called A on the phone, asking for M.  A said that M was in the house, and M was taking a shower and would call me back when M was done.  I told A that I would wait until she was out of the shower.  A laughed and said no, she would take my number and M would call when she got out of the shower.  I left my info and begged A to make sure M got that, because I had been trying to get in touch with M for 2 years.  A said she would.  Many years later, I find out that A did not deliver that message, and even more shocking, M was not in the house and did not take a shower there, so that part wasn't even true.
2. A got angry at M for some reason, and stayed that way for multiple years, allowing those feelings to prompt her to tell the attorney for the boys that M's abusive ex was a better parent than M. 
3. A supported M's abusive ex with gifts of time, love, vacations, furniture, plants and flowers, food, financial assistance, assistance caring for the boys, kind words, emotional support, and companionship.  A gave none of this to M, her own daughter.
4. A actively refused to listen to M when she was trying to tell A about the horrors that were going on during the divorce.  This included refusing to listen to spoken words, cell phone texts, emails, and court documents.
5. A decided that she wanted to give M and her family a vacation, which would include JC.  M said that it would be pointless to ask the ex for JC to join us but she would give it a try.  M asked the ex for some time for JC to spend with us so we could take a vacation, and even offered several options.  Ex not only turned down the request for extra time, but when he found out that the family was going to schedule a trip around that time, he scheduled time for JC to be away from M, then told JC that it was "mandatory" for him to be away, thus shortening JC's already short time.  A heard about this, and spoke with the ex.  She was flabbergasted, not because ex was taking away time JC could spend with his mother, not because her daughter was being bullied out of being a mother to her youngest, but because the ex had denied time that JC could have been spending with A, and that part wasn't okay.  Even after this talk, ex said that he wasn't going to change things.  And A decided that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Now she has given us money to move.  She has specifically said the money is for me, also, and not just my wife.  It was a very kind gesture.


She has started talking with my wife more than she ever has, which is probably nice for my wife on some level to have her mother wanting to be in her life.  It's never easy when a parent doesn't want to be in your life, even if that parent is abusive.


She has spent time with our eldest and given him gifts, some of which he has enjoyed.  And during these times she hasn't actively made him feel bad about himself, like telling him to get over his fears and phobias to the point of traumatizing him.






And last night, I saw my wife get a little excited as she told me about their talk.  It wasn't huge excitement, but it was excitement.  And it very likely could have been excitement over the good things that were happening to us.  She's good at compartmentalizing things, much better than I am, and sometimes that's a great quality.  Perhaps she was focused on the good elements, and her excitement was a result of those good things.  And I suggested that she go to her mother.  She said it was an option, and I said that's where we should start.  And now here we are.


I get very nervous that my wife is going to be pulled into her mother's world of crazy again.  I get nervous that my wife only sees the possibility of moving, and doesn't see that it's being offered by Satan.  I have taken Satan's wares before.  I am well-versed in the ways of taking shit from Satan without welcoming Satan into my home.  My wife believes in etiquette more than I do, which could lead her to see Satan standing outside our house in the rain, and she would open the door to him.  "The weather is horrible out there, there's no reason for you to stand out there.  Come inside now, you silly Prince of Darkness!  I'll make you some tea."


Yeah, I guess I'm drawing parallels between my wife's mother and Satan.  And I don't think I've gone too far with that.  So far, A hasn't done anything to suggest she cares any more for M or me or her grandchildren than she ever did(n't).  What she has done is given a gift a money, and given it without strings (for now), and said it's for all of us, including me.  I worry that my wife will find herself in a situation in the future where her mother does something that she's always done-- hurt my wife-- and my wife will think, "wait, this is my mom... she had been acting so nicely.  What happened?"


Nothing happened.  Nothing changed.
That's important.
Nothing Changed.


The ONLY thing that changed is that I became open to the idea of taking money from her for the gain of my family, myself included.  That's the ONLY thing that has changed.  Everything else remains the same.  So even though it may feel like she's doing something nice for us, saying nice things, she's not.  They're all very selfishly planned things.

1. She decided she was done with X when he wouldn't give JC time with A.  It was all about A being denied time when she wanted it, and because she was denied time, she now doesn't spend time with X.
2. She honestly asked if M would "allow" JC to stay with us if that was what he chose.  M, of course, said "Why in the world would I not allow my son to come and stay with me?"  And A's response was, "Well, X said that JP couldn't stay with him anymore."  She somehow decided that because X demonstrated that he didn't believe in unconditional love that M must also be that way.  Which also shows a total ignorance of how M lives her life and mothers her children.  It's also disturbing to think that A, who is a mother, might say "why aren't you doing something when somebody else is doing that bad thing?"  I would expect A to have a more firm grasp on what is appropriate behavior and not be so easily swayed by the horrible actions of others.  But she never has been that way.  She has always played right into the drama.
3. A started telling stories about X and X's wife P.  Personal stories.  Stories that had been private and not for my wife's ears.  She was not telling my wife these stories because of a sense of what was just or right.  She was telling these stories because she was angry at X for denying time with JC.
4. A said that she hoped JC would find his voice, and then in a couple of years decide he wanted to live with M full time in order to get away from that situation over there with X.  When M said that probably wasn't going to happen, A said, "isn't there anything you can do as a mother?"  My response to that was, "yeah, there is something she can do as a mother, and you totally fucked her, A, by saying that X was a better parent that M, you fucking cunt."

There's a famous story of a frog and scorpion.  The scorpion needs to get across a river, and so he asks the frog for a ride.  The frog says, "you're a scorpion.  You're going to sting me and I'm going to die."  The scorpion says, "no, I'm not going to sting you.  If I do that, and you die, then I would drown.  It's in my best interests to keep you alive."  The frog, deciding that sounded logical, agreed to give the scorpion a ride across the river.  The scorpion hopped on the frog's back.  In the middle of the river, the scorpion stung the frog.  Shocked, the frog turned to the scorpion.  "You've killed us both!  Why would you do that?" asked the frog.  "Because I'm a scorpion," said the scorpion.  "That's what I do."


This situation is a lot like that story.  But I'm going to change it around to fit our situation. 


There was a mirror who was obsessed with her glass.  She believed she was pretty, and important, and worthy of grand things.  Other things in the world showed up in her glass, and she believed she had those things, too.  Other people had buffalo ranches, and when the mirror saw them in her glass, she believed they were hers.  And other people said they respected her, and because they said that to her glass, she believed she had respect.  The mirror was aware that her backside wasn't pretty at all.  It was cold, and black, and the wood of hadn't been fully painted even.  But she didn't focus on that side of herself.  She was only concerned with what was in her glass.  She often turned her back on people so that others could not share in her greatness.  She turned her back on those who would not join her in obsessing about the drama that filled her glass, but that was mostly because she was so consumed with the drama that she was turning to face the drama, and not so much turning her back to those not in the drama, although that was an aspect of her actions.  She turned her back on those who told her the truth.  She turned her back on those who said different things than the drama said.  At one point the drama told her glass that her daughter was having an affair, and she believed it despite her daughters pleas to listen to reason.  "Do you understand what it's like, as a man, to have this happen to you?" the mirror spat at her daughter, as if the mirror thought she was a man because a man had showed up in her glass talking of the affair.  And when her husband died, she was sad because she wouldn't have his constant drama in her glass, and she didn't know what to do.  So she looked around that there was another man.  Men are the best, as they can carry heavy things for me, thought the mirror's subconsciousness.  After all, I don't have arms and I need everybody to do things for me.  She found another man to show her drama in her glass, and she was fine with that.  She turned her back on her daughter plenty during this time, because her daughter wanted to take away her man and take away her drama.  Silly daughter.  Then, one day, the man turned the mirror away.  Well!  The mirror was being rejected!  And that hurt the mirror's feelings.  The mirror thought about who would bring the most drama, how she could exact the most revenge against the man who rejected her, and that brought her to his enemy.  "Ah," said the mirror to the man's enemy, "I'm ready for you to look at my grand glass."  "I'm your daughter," said the man's enemy.  "Yes," said the mirror, "let me tell you about the man's secrets."


I don't trust her.  And I'm very grateful for her gift.  And if this ends up hurting my wife in the end-- WHEN this ends up hurting my wife in the end-- I'm gonna lay down a decree that this woman will have no part in our family ever again.


I am not a mirror.
I do not care about anyone's drama, nor do I get caught up in it.
I do not find it difficult not to get caught up in other's drama.
I find it easy to spot other's drama and sidestep it.
I often am able to separate a person's words from his actions.
I believe that people's actions create the person, not the words.  A person who says they love you as they punch you does not love you.  A person who punches you is abusing you, whether or not he says anything about love. 
Trust happens when your actions support your words.  When you say you love somebody, and then you stay with that person when they are sick out of concern for their well-being, your words are supported by your actions and you have helped build trust.  When you say you love somebody and then you stay with that person at the hospital when they are sick and you wear your most revealing, red, shear dress showing off most of your breasts in the hopes that others will comment on your figure and want to have sex with you, your words are not supported by your actions and you have helped destroy trust.
It is easy for me to see when people's actions are not supported by their words.
I am feared by X, in part, because he cannot fool me with his words.  His words have never supported his actions, and thus, his words have zero meaning to me and it's a waste of time to listen to any of them.
A has not apologized to M, JP, or me.  She has not recognized the harm she has done.  She doesn't care about me, M, JP, or even JC.  She cares about herself, the mirror, and all that she can put in that mirror. 
And I have given her the opportunity to put me in her glass.
I will dance this line.
And we'll see what happens.

1. She said that X had to work a second job as a security guard in order to pay for his legal fees.  Every Saturday he works a 12 hour shift as a security guard to pay for his legal debts.
2. X has had to take out a full mortgage in order to pay for his debts.  When he and M were married, they had purchased the home with cash.  When they divorced, M was given part of the home, and X took out a half a mortgage in order to give her the cash equivalent of half the home.  He's now had to take out a full mortgage.
3. A said it was obvious to her that promises had been made by X towards JC and JP which hadn't been fulfilled.  JP told M that when X was getting married, he took JP out to lunch to ask him to be in his wedding.  JP said that he didn't know X's new wife, and didn't want to be in the wedding.  X then said he wanted to tell JP what things would be like JP decided to live with X rather than M: there would be more opportunities for him at X's house than at M's house.  JP asked what kinds of opportunities.  "You know, you'll go to college if you want to if you live with me.  Your mom can't afford to send you to college.  You'll get a car if you live with me.  You'll go on vacations.  You know, opportunities."  JP said that the vacations he had taken with X had been the worst times he'd had in his life, and that was not an opportunity.  He said that college was not an interest, and neither was a car if it meant that he would have to live with X.  And with that, X decided never to speak with JP again.  JC came to M and me and told us that he wanted to live with X more, and one of the biggest reasons he gave was that there would be "more opportunities" at X's house.  When asked what kinds of opportunities, he wasn't able to say what opportunities.  Later, he was able to say that his father had promised to give him his truck when he turned 16.  That truck has long since gone away without any talk of replacement or fulfillment of that promise.  A said it was obvious to her that other promises had been made to JC that had not been fulfilled by X.
4. A said that she was "disturbed" by their treatment of JC.  They actually touch him constantly in a kind of pecking motion, touching his shoulders as if directing him where to go, how to walk, and are constantly directing him as he moves through life.  She said that they are constantly telling him things that don't need to be said.  "Take your fork to the kitchen.  Tuck in your shirt.  Wipe your mouth.  Wash the fork in the sink.  In the other sink.  Wash your hands.  Say thank you to Mimi.  Say thank you now."  She said that they text him constantly when he is away.  She said that she was afraid his head was going to explode.  She was encouraging him to find his voice to say that he didn't want to be treated that way, and she hoped that he would find his voice in a couple of years so that he could say that he would prefer to live at M's house full time.  "Would you allow him to do that?" she asked her daughter.  "There is nothing in the world that would make me say my child couldn't live with me anymore.  That's absurd," responded the daughter.  "Well that's what X said to JP," A said.  "I am not X," said daughter.  "And my children will always have a home wherever I am no matter what they do."
5. A said that she hadn't seen M at JC's football games.  M explained that she was always there, but that she often couldn't afford to actually go into the games, so she would stay outside the gates, either in her car or in a chair, and find a place where she can see as much of the game as possible.  And she would take pictures and send them to JC, and tell him she had been there and supported him.  A then said that wasn't how it was coming out of X towards JC.  She said that X was telling JC that "mom hadn't come to his football game because she doesn't care about football, and she doesn't care about him enough to get over that and support him at his games.  I'm sorry that mom doesn't care about you as much as we do."  M assured A that JC knew she had been there and was very supportive of him.  "JC didn't correct his father, though, when he said that you hadn't been there," said A.  "That would've been bad for JC," said M, "X wouldn't have been happy with that and would have made an issue out of it in a lot of ways.  Besides, I don't need to advertise what I'm doing to X.  As long as JC knows I'm there and I support him and love him, that's all that's important."  A said she wished that she had known that information when she had heard X talking to JC so that she wouldn't have gotten caught up in the badmouthing of M to her son, JC, publicly.  Later that night, M texted JC just to remind him that she would be at his games, and if she wasn't in the stands it was because she couldn't afford it, not because she didn't support him, because he was her favorite athlete.  "You know that, right?"  And he responded that he did know that.
6. A said that X and wife P buy all the most expensive football gear for JC and insist that he wear it, which she says is stupid because you can play football in less expensive equipment.  In fact, you can rent equipment, which is actually better for a growing boy, as the equipment you buy today won't be usable when he grows. 

X and P are crazy, and JC is being raised by crazy people now.  And A is supportive of anything as long as she gets the drama to fill her glass, including crazy abusive people who abuse her daughter and grandchildren. 


There is a criminally negligent amount of people who care about the content of a person's character in my life right now.  Absolute insanity.