My wife's co-worker told her not to let me go to the midnight showing of Star Wars because there had been so many shootings at movie premiers and she wanted me to stay safe.
What a good idea. I didn't even think about that.
You really can't be too safe these days.
So I thought about other ways I could be safe. You gotta pay attention to what's going on around you, ya know?
It wasn't difficult to figure out pretty quickly that American streets are death traps. So many people die every day! People text and drive, drink and drive, there are teenagers who don't know how to drive, old people who don't adjust their driving quickly enough, Asians, blacks and gangs making things difficult. It was better to just not drive anymore. So I stopped driving. You know, to make sure I stayed safe. I would have to figure out how to get to work some other way.
Then I realized that the workplace is a death trap! So many people get injured or die at work every day, they even have a thing called Worker's Compensation for workers who have become so injured on the job that they can no longer work! Just think about how many things can go wrong! Carpal tunnel syndrome, being shot by cops or blacks or gangs while working as a cop or black or gang, finger amputations in the roast beef slicer, finger amputations from dropping a girder on them while building the new building, finger amputations while trying to perform a surgical finger amputation on somebody else but slipping and performing it on yourself. There are so many things that can get you at work. So I decided to stay at home.
Then I realized that the home is a death trap! There are so many ways to die while you're in your house! Slip and fall getting into or out of the shower, carbon monoxide poisoning that you don't even know about, sleep apnea stops your breathing and you'll never know you're dead until you're dead, getting shot during a home invasion by a gang of Asian blacks, being set on fire by the dragons in your basement. There are so many dangers that I had never thought about!
I couldn't go to a movie, I couldn't go on the streets, and I couldn't stay home. Life was so dangerous, and I really just wanted to stay safe. Some people would say I was living in fear, but I know I'm just being cautious. Fear is not the same thing as caution. Fear is "a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid", while caution is "alertness and prudence in a hazardous situation; care; wariness". I am obviously not distressed or afraid, I am prudent ("wise or judicious in practical affairs; sagacious; discreet or circumspect; sober")-- or wise-- in a hazardous situation. The movies are a hazardous situation! The streets are a hazardous situation! My home is a hazardous situation! I needed to get away from hazardous situations to make sure I was safe!
So I built a room for myself. No one could get in, protecting me from people on the outside. And the inside of the room had a kind of padding to protect me from the hard, hard walls. It was a kind of padded room, if you wanted to call it that. And I made sure that my arms and fingers were safe from flailing around, so I wore a white jacket with buckles and straps around my arms and hands that kept them held straight and tightly close to my body, protecting them from all around me. I suppose you could call it a straight jacket. But before you get any ideas, this wasn't a straitjacket, because that is defined as "a garment made of strong material and designed to bind the arms, as of a violently disoriented person", and I am not violently disoriented. I am safe!
I am completely safe and happy in my padded room, isolated from society and others, protected by my straightjacket.
Man, it's tough to stay safe these days. But well worth it. Nothing's going to hurt me now!
No comments:
Post a Comment