Single Cabin Boat Schedule

i was on the boat, and i had a roommate.
and i hadn't had any privacy for more than 6 months.
and, honestly, i didn't have anywhere i could masturbate.
so i asked if it were even possible to get cabins shifted so that each of us might get to be in the single cabin some of the time.
and, somehow, i did something wrong just by asking me, and everybody got their feelings hurt.
and my roommate yelled at me.
"you didn't even think about me, did you?!"
well, no.  i was really only thinking about masturbating, but if you'll tell me why you, also, wouldn't enjoy masturbating, i'd love to hear your side of this thing.
plus... yelling?  really?  what's with the yelling?  why are you yelling at me?  i still don't get it.

so our company leader took some time and then called a meeting.
in the meeting, he handed us a piece of paper.
the paper had two possible schedules printed on it for who would be in the single cabins and who would be sharing a cabin with somebody else.
he told us that i had wanted to change, and so we were going to change cabins.
i wanted to say that i had asked if it was possible, but i didn't.
it was too far passed that time.
he said that he had tried to work out a schedule for everyone to have the single cabins, and on the paper he handed us were the only two possible schedules he could come up with for us to vote on.
two of our members were leaving soon, and they wondered why they were being called to be a part of this meeting, which had nothing to do with them.
the company manager told them that they were part of the company and needed to help vote on this issue since they were still here.
this is what the schedules looked like

Schedule 1
single cabin                                               shared cabins
week 1:  me                                           everyone changes
week 2:  me                                           everyone changes
week 3:  me                                           everyone changes
week 4:  me                                           everyone changes
week 5:  me                                           everyone changes
week 6:  me                                           everyone changes
week 7:  me                                           everyone changes
week 8:  me                                           everyone changes
week 9:  me                                           everyone changes
week etc:  me                                        everyone changes



Schedule 2
single cabin                                               shared cabins
everyone changes monthly                everyone changes monthly


the visual of that schedule is still vivid in my mind.  my name down the left side of the page, while on the right, everyone else changed weekly.


*i* had asked for a change (which i hadn't), and she he made sure that it inconvenienced as many people as possible, including the people that wouldn't be involved in the decision.
*I* was the cause of this issue.
and then the insult of the schedule.
*I* didn't even want to vote on the schedule that had me in the single cabin the entire time.
it was so grandly lopsided, in life and visually on the paper, that it was embarrassing.
i was being shamed.

for wanting some privacy to masturbate.

i wanna let go of this.

but it still hurts.
why did they do that?
why did they hurt me like that?
i'm guessing i did something to hurt them, but i don't know what i did.
and i don't know how to apologize for something i didn't know i did.

stuff like that comes back every so often and stings me.

i just don't get it.
how did i come out so wrong that i don't understand why people do stuff like that?

it's this kind of thing that makes me want to rage.
somebody is hurt and they lash out at me.
and i don't understand why.
and they continue to lash out at me.
a lot.
over and over.
and it continues.
it's not just once, but repeatedly.
and i keep being forced to live in a world that doesn't make sense.
i act one way, i am lashed.
i act a different way, i am lashed.
i don't act at all, i am lashed.
well, motherfucker, if i'm gonna be lashed no matter what i do, then fuck you and everyone like you.  i'm gonna fucking rage all over you and fucking fuck it all!

and then, when i'm done raging,
i'll go back to being confused and hurt and baffled.
what in the world did i do?
and i don't buy it that they were jealous.
or that i was good and they wanted to destroy me to give themselves a better ranking in our group.
i don't buy that anymore.
i've been jealous before.  i didn't try to destroy people.  i didn't intentionally shame the person or people.
what IS it??
it's SO hurtful, and i'm SO confused by it all.
just so super confused and i can't seem to let go of it.