My Reviews

RON'S AUTOMOTIVE

My car broke down on the side of the highway.  I got it off the road, and after some phone calls, I was on the phone with Ron's Automotive.  My wife and I (mostly me) had grown tired of paying the dealership to fix our cars at outrageous prices, and we had been trying to find a good mechanic for a long time (mostly me).  My wife's boss suggested Ron's Automotive, and because she's a great person and has helped us in the past, we went with Ron's. 

The problem with my car was difficult to even describe.  I was traveling down the freeway, then I suddenly lost power to my car and was only able to travel about 10-15 MPH, without any kind of acceleration when I pushed on the gas.  As far as I could tell, I hadn't done anything to cause this (almost) complete loss of power.  After pulling off onto the shoulder, the car died and didn't want to start again.  There was only a slight hint of black smoke at one point, and I couldn't identify where it was coming from.  There was also a hint of electrical burning, nothing overpowering, and on the freeway like I was, I couldn't even guarantee it was my car.  After hearing this, the guy on the phone with me at Ron's sounded like he knew what was going on, but told me that he would have to look at the car to know for sure.  They were closed on the weekends, and since this had happened on Friday, I wouldn't know what was going on with the car until Monday at the earliest.  The man on the phone at Ron's was helpful and sounded nice.  I anticipated a good experience with Ron's.

Monday came and Ron's called.  Seems there was nothing they could find wrong with my car.  Seriously.  Nothing.  The best they could do was see that my cam shaft sensors had gone off twice, indicating something was wrong with my cam shaft, twice.  But since my car doesn't have a computer, it doesn't record failings like newer cars, so they were unable to tell exactly what the problem was.  And since the car was now running fine, they could only guess at what might fix the problem.  The Phone Man asked if my timing belt had been replaced, and I told him it hadn't (my 2001 Honda Civic hasn't had any kind of major surgery on it of any kind... I've only had to take it in for routine oil changes... no belts broken, no brake pads, no nothing... and after 14 years, I'd say it was ready for some major stuff, so I was okay with that, and even more brand-loyal to Honda than ever before).  Phone Man told me that he felt sure it was the timing belt, and told me some symptoms of timing belt failures, all of which matched what had happened to me.  He told me that my best bet was to get my timing belt changed, which would also include a new water pump, and then get my spark plugs changed, and that might fix the problem.  Once he had "gotten in there", though, he might find that my cam shaft needed fixing, too, and that wouldn't be something he would know for sure until he started the repair.  He told me that the repair without the cam shaft kit would be $1000, and with the cam shaft kit, it would be about $1100.  I asked him what the price would be after giving me the My Wife's Boss Recommended Ron's Automotive discount, and he laughed and told me the same prices.  Ass.  Whatev.  After talking with my wife for some time, my wife wanted me to see what they would charge to see what was wrong with my air conditioning, and we should go ahead and plan on having them fix the car.  We had thought about taking the car elsewhere.  We thought about buying another car.  We thought about selling my car and becoming a one-car family.  We thought pretty hard about spending $1000, because we don't have that kind of money.  But we finally decided that we would take about a month to pay off the car, and then take about two and a half months to replace the money we had spent.  All told, we would take about 4 months to recover from this repair, but it was the best we felt we could do.  We would come up with the money somehow, and we would make it work, because we didn't have much choice.  I called back Ron's and told them who I was, and the Phone Man pulled up my info and quoted the price back to me-- $1100.  I asked how much they could charge me to see what was wrong with my air conditioner, and he said they wouldn't charge me anything.  He would flush the system, fill me up with Freon, and check for leaks and all of it would cost me $1100, and that included my towing.  Okay, go ahead and do that.  But please, I told Phone Man, don't spend any more than that on this repair without consulting me first.  He assured me he wouldn't.  I told him that I had just been promoted, and with my promotional pay, I would be able to pay them in about two weeks, so "take your time" I joked, because I wouldn't be able to come get the car for about two weeks.  He understood, and told me it wouldn't be a problem or cost me any extra for the car to stay with them until I got the money together in about two weeks. 

I wasn't completely turned off by Ron's Automotive. 

Then I discovered that my promotion pay wasn't coming through at the end of the month, like my wife and I planned, and we kinda freaked out a second.  Lots of things were riding on that money coming through, and we figured since I had been told about the promotion on April 2nd that would be enough time for the changes to take affect and we would get the money at the end of the month.  But no, this is government work, which means it doesn't work.  After many phone calls and emails and people beginning conversations with me by saying "I'm sorry...", I discovered my promotion wasn't official until April 22nd, and my promotional pay wouldn't arrive until May 12th, and that would only be pro-rated for April, and I wouldn't get my full promotional pay until the end of May.  This put a pucker in my asshole.  After speaking with my wife, we decided to call Ron's Automotive and see if they had started the repair yet, and if they hadn't, we would stop the repair.  I called Ron's Automotive.

"Hi, I wanted to see if you guys had started working on my car yet."
"Oh, yes sir.  The repair is completed."
What??  Fuck-a-doodle-doo.
"Oh.  It's already completed.  That's surprising."
"We try to be efficient," said Phone Man.
"It's still okay just sitting with you guys, right?"
"Absolutely, sir."
"Okay.  Can you tell me what the final price tag is on that repair?"
"Absolutely, sir.  It's $1,234."
What the fucking fuck?!
"Wow.  Okay.  Well, I'll see about putting my money together."
"You can save $21 by paying in cash."
"Okay, goodbye."
I didn't give a fuck about the $21, and I didn't ask, because I wouldn't be paying in cash.  Ron's could kiss my whole asshole at that moment.  Cuz I felt fucked as hell.
I told my wife about it.  She felt fucked as hell.
It was more money than they told us it was going to be, by about $100.  Bot of us figured that was for the air conditioning repair, but felt cheated that they said it wasn't going to cost us more, and then cost us more.
Once again, my wife and I felt like we had been fucked by The System, and we were just going to have to eat shit like we have become accustomed to.  When They System fucks you, you gotta eat shit.  When you fight The System, you get raped and eat more shit.  When you stand up for yourself against The System, you get caned, raped with a mule, force fed the mule's shit as well as your own shit, and are forced to watch a bald man break kitten necks.  It's a fun lesson we've learned over the past 7 years.  Portland will change that all.... But I digress.


***Some Important Things Happened At This Point In The Chronology.  To See What Happened, Please Keep Reading***

I walked into Ron's Automotive, ready to get my car. 
"Hello, I'm here to get my rad 2001 Honda Civic."
"$1,234," said Counter Man, and stared at me.
I'm accustomed to my Detroit mechanic, The Absolute Best Mechanic On The Planet, Sam Zamit.  You would bring in your car, and he would look at it, then call you up, tell you what was wrong with it, and then give you options as to how to fix it.  He knew I was always low on funds, so his options for me were usually start with the street-legal, recommended repair, and then finish with the not-quite-street-legal repair that he could do with a tomato soup can and a screw, and it wouldn't be as solid a repair as I might like, but it would save me a lot of money.  Typically, I went that route.  By the time I left Detroit, Sam had done so many quality repairs I was driving a Honda Rubber Washer with wads of gum for tires, and I was perfectly happy doing so.  And when I went to pick up my Millennium Falcon car from Sam, he would always run down what he had done on the car, tell me what the price could've been had I done the other repair and that I should think about doing that in the future and THEN AND ONLY THEN would he quote me the price on the repair he had actually done.  What a guy, that Sam Zamit.  If you ever, EVER need a mechanic in Detroit, go to Sam.  He is the superior mechanic of all mechanics. 

Ron's Automotive was not Sam Zamit.
"$1,234," said Counter Man, and then he stared at me.
I stared back.
"You wanna tell me what you did on it?" I asked with eyes that clearly were saying Eat My Shit, Fuckstain.
Counter Man sighed.  It wasn't an I'm Tired sigh.  It was God, You're Making Me Work And I'm A Useless Piece Of Shit sigh.
Counter Man turned his computer monitor so that I could see it.

Ever seen a spreadsheet somebody else has been working on for several hours that you aren't familiar with?
It's sorta like being wrapped up in a blanket.  You can see the light.  It is definitely there, but you're not quite sure how to get out of the blanket.  And you know you can get out of the blanket if you just push a little more, squirm a little harder.  And after quite a bit of work, you're still under the blanket, but you're pretty sure you can make out the light through the pores in the blanket.

Counter Man turned his computer monitor so that I could see it.
It was a spreadsheet somebody had been working on for hours without familiarizing me with it.
I was wrapped in a shitty blanket as he started verbalizing what they had done.
Of course, he wasn't pointing to the spreadsheet, which would have helped me know where to look.  He was just reading the spreadsheet.
"Why don't you just speak to me in Sanskrit," I thought to myself, and then I laughed at how funny I still was despite not working in comedy for almost 3 years, plus I really don't know what the hell he's talking about-- what the fuck is a cam shaft anyway?  You're giving *me* the cam shaft, fucker (another laugh, damn dude, you can take the whore outta the city, or whatever that expression is... I've still got it...)-- and then I felt stupid that I had tuned out of the Counter Man's meaningless speech to me about the repairs that he had done in favor of jokes about a dead language, a city, and anus sex for money I had only made to myself.  Well, at least *I* think I'm funny.

[brackets will indicate sarcasm]
Part of the blanket fell away from my head, and I was actually able to see.
There was a 5% discount noted.
"What's that?" I asked, pointing to the screen.
"Ummmmm..." said Counter Man, [articulately].
Pause.  We both stared at the screen.
"Looks like a discount," I said, hoping that would jar Counter Man into some kind of communication.
"Uh, yeah," Counter Man [countered.  He was a quick one].
"Why would you give me a discount?" I asked kindly.
"I... uhhhh..." Counter Man [masterfully enunciated each syllable of every letter that flowed out of his gorgeous, Adonis-like lips.  He was truly Art In Motion].
Pause.  [Art needs time to breathe].
Pause.  [Art picked his tooth with his tongue, which made me horny for him more so than I had ever felt for another man before in my life].
"Maybe it's a discount that you guys gave me because of the My Wife's Boss Recommended You Guys To Me discount?" I suggested.
Counter Man farted.  He looked at me.
{the previous line didn't actually happen, but it should have... I'm going to use these curly brackets to indicate when something didn't happen, but should have... what are they called?  Curly brackets?  One of my teachers used to call them Bob Hopes, because they looked like Bob Hope's profile to her... I dunno, she was drunk or something... maybe they're actually called Bob Hopes, what do I know.  Ima use them for things that didn't happen but shoulda...}
"I'll take it, whatever it is," I told Counter Man, who laughed, relieved not to have to come up with words to tell me his neck was melting into his thighs.
I paid Counter Man.
He took my money and started to walk off.
"Is my car out there," I asked Counter Man, pointing vaguely to the parking lot covered in the torrential downpour that had been happening all day.
"Yeah, it's out there," said Counter Man.  [And with that, a host of Heavenly Angels entered the mechanic shop and whisked Counter Man to God's Crotch, for a Creature as lovely as Counter Man shouldn't have to endure the torture of Earth.  God's Crotch is a nice, warm, quiet place where beautiful creatures are cultivated]

***Hey, side note... Does God have a crotch?  We're created in His image, right?  So what does His crotch look like?  Penis?  Balls?  Vagina?  Hermaphrodite?  Does he get jock itch if he works out without showering after?  Does he use Gold Bond Medicated Powder?  I do.  It's great for sweaty balls.  Back to my review of Ron's Automotive***

I found my car, got into it, and was glad that it started.  I turned on the air conditioner, which seemed to work, but the outside temperature was about 65 below zero, so it was going to be difficult to determine if the air conditioner actually worked.  I started to pull out, and immediately noticed that my steering was out.  Yeah, my power steering was completely gone.

I drove to Walmart, bought power steering fluid, filled my power steering reservoir, and fixed the problem.

Bottom Line: My car runs well, and my experience with Ron's Automotive getting it back to that place was lacking.  A lot.  Ron's Automotive can suck a huge pile of greasy elephant dicks (thank you, wife, for that lovely image, it fits perfectly).




SECOND REVIEW

MY MOTHER
My mother read my blog where I talked about my car breaking down.
She texted me and asked about my car.
I told her bullet points of what was going down.
She asked how much it was going to cost.
I told her.

{Then my Mother pulled out her cowl and cape and donned them as she had done so many times before.  It was a great red and black number.  Not ostentatious.  Very tactical looking.  Made her easily identifiable when you were actually able to see her, but also cloaked her movements well in the still of the night, while bad guys are plotting and fixing cars. 
She pulled out a double handful of greasy elephant dicks in each hand and jumped out the window.
Evil Mechanics ganged up on her.  She beat them all with greasy elephant dicks.
Whap!  Thunk!
Dicks greasily slapped mechanic cheeks as they each felt the justice of a life wasted.
Plunk!  Plap!
Mechanics flew to the side as Mother flapped each one with a handful of greasy elephant dicks.
And when all the Evil Mechanics had died after being beaten by greasy, greasy, sloppy elephant dicks, Mother beat the people at the bank.
Mercilessly jumped on top of each person at the bank and bludgeoned them to a fine, bloody mist with her elephant dick maces!  Each bank person died knowing only shame that they hadn't lived a better life, as well as the remorse of not wearing greasy elephant dick armor to work that day!
Bloof!  Bramf!!
People flew!
Blood splattered!
Elephant Dicks!!
Yeargh!!!
And when it was all done, Mother strutted up to the Master Computer.
"Do it," she growled at Master Computer.
And Master Computer knew what she wanted.  And did it.
And then Master Computer pissed itself.}

Then she texted back, "I transferred enough money to get your car repaired.  Happy birthday!"
And she never mentioned anything about her double handful of weaponized elephant dicks.

Bottom Line: I can't thank my mom enough for rescuing me and (probably) my family from this latest mess I got myself into.  She went beyond a birthday gift.  I am lucky to have her as my mother.  I really hope that I can be more like her the more I live.  She's a great mom, a great human, and gave me a super great birthday gift.  Thank you so much, mom.  You get the best review.  :)