Shut The Fuck Up

"In 1985, my wife tells me that I can't buy any more horses until she gets a swimming pool.  So I got her a swimming pool... in our third home."

--Doctor Who Works Behind Me, moments ago, 12/31/14





As of right now, my wife and I have $20 to our name.
That's all we have.
And that's $20 more than we usually have at the end of each month.

I find myself supremely angry by this fucking doctor behind me.
I don't feel like anyone will help me.
I don't feel like I can get ahead.
I don't feel like I can do anything to change my position.
I feel trapped.

And this doctor was forced to buy a pool for his wife's third home if he was going to continue buying horses.

The fuck.

I Can't Help But Hear You

The Doctor in the cube next to mine is talking again.
He's talking to Another Doctor and a Colleague who is not a doctor.
They are always too loud for an open-office environment.
And I wear headphones to keep their noise from distracting me.
Today, however, they are louder than normal.
So I turned up my music, so that I might not hear them.
But I still heard them, far too clearly, over Prince's Diamonds & Pearls album.

ANOTHER DOCTOR: ...millions of 'em.  They all want to see the ball drop.
DOCTOR: It's just a sparkly ball.
AD: Well, I heard on Fox this morning that they've upped security.  You know... so that... nothing happens.
D: Well, you know, it's just horrible.  You know, all these people who have been killed by police officers recently... it's conveniently been covered up that they are all convicted felons.
AD: Yeah, when the truth comes out, the story is... and you know Michael Brown?  After his trial, they released a video of him beating up an old man.
(everybody is silent, giving respect to the old man)
D: So much for your Gentle Giant.
COLLEAGUE: They have football players, even, believing the hands up thing.  But that isn't true.  He was charging.  You can't charge with your hands up.  And when somebody that big is charging you...
D: Yeah, what do they expect...
AD: You shouldn't use force...?
D: They want the police to just stand there and go, okay, you can run over me and murder me.  I don't think so!
C: Cops need to protect themselves.
AD: And when somebody's charging you, you don't know what to do.  You just need to be safe.
D: But, apparently, it's a crime to be safe in this country now, according to all these people.
C: What are they protesting for, anyways?
D: Well, it's all a lie, and it's too bad for those the people of New York.
AD: What a horrible way to ring in the New Year.


So here are a few things to note.

Michael Brown never had a trial.  He was shot and killed by a police officer, Darren Wilson.  Darren Wilson did not have a trial for shooting Michael Brown.  There was a grand jury that did not indict Darren Wilson.  A grand jury's job is to determine if charges should be brought against an individual(s) based on evidence they are presented, and if there is probable cause or enough evidence to suggest that a crime might have been committed, it takes a simple majority to indict the defendant.  Sometimes this amounts to 12 of 23 jurors, sometimes its 2/3, or 3/4, but not every juror needs to agree to indict (http://criminal.findlaw.com/criminal-procedure/how-does-a-grand-jury-work.html).  Pbs.org has a great chart showing some of the different things witnesses testified to before the grand jury in the Michael Brown/Darren Wilson case (http://www.pbs.org/newshour/updates/newly-released-witness-testimony-tell-us-michael-brown-shooting/).  According to this chart, 50% of the witnesses said that they saw Michael Brown hold up his hands before being shot by Darren Wilson, only 5 of 64 witnesses said Michael Brown reached for his waistband (where Darren Wilson claimed he thought Michael Brown was carrying a gun, and was the reason why Wilson said he used deadly force), and there was an even split in witnesses who said Michael Brown had collapsed when Darren Wilson opened fire.  After being presented with, at best, conflicting pieces of evidence, the grand jury decided not to bring charges against Darren Wilson.  In legal speak, they declined to indict.  There was no trial.
 
The doctors and colleague watch Fox.  According to politifact.com (http://www.politifact.com/punditfact/tv/fox/), Fox News rates the lowest of their rated networks in regards to telling the truth.  Given the ratings of True, Mostly True, Half True, Mostly False, False, and Pants On Fire, Fox News statements rate Mostly False, False, and Pants On Fire 60% of the time.  One small example of a Half True rated statement is "The Democratic leader in the Senate, Harry Reid, has blocked any vote on the Keystone pipeline for years."  It is rated as Half True because, in summary, "Reid's allowed a few votes", which, to me, makes this statement mostly false, unless they're including the statement "The Democratic leader in the Senate, Harry Reid..." as being the truthful part of the statement.  Based on this last little piece of information, I'd like to include Half True statements made by Fox News in their overall truthfulness rating.  If you include the statements rated as Half True, then, according to politifact.con, a fact-checking website, Fox News reports false statements 78% of the time, and reports True or Mostly True only 21% of the time.  According to the website, they only report purely True stories 9% of the time.  The doctors are quoting a source which reports falshoods almost 80% of the time, and truthful statements 9% of the time.

Michael Brown was 18 years and 3 months old when he was killed by police officer Darren Wilson.  According to snopes.com, a website devoted to proving or disproving rumors (http://www.snopes.com/politics/crime/brown.asp), Brown wasn't at the age of majority long enough to have a public record of felony charges.  And according to the New York Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/04/us/michael-brown-never-faced-serious-felony-charge-st-louis-officials-lawyer-says.html?_r=0), Michael Brown was never charged with felony.  Meaning that Michael Brown was not a convicted felon.

Besides all those silly little facts that were incorrect, it's troubling that these doctors and one normal dude appear to be justifying murder.  Michael Brown and Eric Garner were nobodies prior to the time they were killed by police officers in St. Louis and New York City, respectively.  When they were killed, their names became familiar to us because they had been killed by police.  AFTER being killed, their pasts were brought into the story, which lead to conversations like the one I overheard, which include arguments along the lines of He Was A Convicted Felon So It Was A Justified Killing By Police.

I understand why it might be a justified killing to hunt down Osama bin Laden and kill him without trial or any proof other than who he is. 

But then, he was responsible for huge acts of terror on American soil, resulting in thousands of American deaths and a country living with PTSD for the next several years over the incident. 

Michael Brown was walking in the street.  That's what Darren Wilson said  was the reason he took note of Michael Brown in the first place -- he was walking in the street (http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2014/11/25/366519644/ferguson-docs-officer-darren-wilsons-testimony).

Eric Garner had just broken up a fight, according to msnbc.com (http://www.msnbc.com/msnbc/what-killed-eric-garner), an editorial on cnn.com (http://www.cnn.com/2014/12/03/opinion/robbins-eric-garner/), and time.com, who included a video of the event at this link (http://time.com/3016326/eric-garner-video-police-chokehold-death/#3016326/eric-garner-video-police-chokehold-death/).  That's what brought his attention to the police.  After they observed him breaking up a fight, they attempted to take him into custody for selling loose cigarettes which included putting him in a choke hold.  Selling loose cigarettes without a tobacco tax stamp would be considered a felony, and Eric Garner might have been convicted of that felony had he been able to make a case before a court.  However, he was killed before he could do that, so he wasn't a convicted felon, either.

So the doctor's argument, again, is He Was A Convicted Felon So It Was A Justified Killing By Police.  And many others share this sentiment.

Here, by the way, are some other felonies, as reported by felonyguide.com (http://felonyguide.com/List-of-felony-crimes.php) as being one of the twenty most common felonies committed in America:
Disorderly conduct
Drunkenness
Fraud
Offenses against family and children
Curfew and loitering

If you are convicted of loitering, these doctors would say the police have justification for killing you, even if you've served your sentence and/or paid your fine.  Same with being drunk, or cursing in front of a family such to create offense.  These doctors argument covers these things, as well.

I loathe these men, these doctors, these healers.
These hypocrites.
I absolutely loathe them.
Loathe.

And even with all my loathing, they don't deserve to actually be killed for breaking up a fight or walking in the street.  They deserve to be killed for the things they've said out loud.  But since nobody came and killed them, that moment has passed, and I'm far too busy to stand poised with a weapon readied for their next act of hatred and ignorance.  So they walk free and judge others with the parroted words of a lying faux-news report(s).  They justify murder from somebody's past deeds or pure imagination and fantasy.  Eric Garner was not a convicted felon, but because we imagine he is, it was completely okay that police killed him.  Michael Brown didn't beat up an old man, and he wasn't convicted of a felony, but because we make up things about him, it's okay that he was killed.

Maybe it's more complex than that.
Maybe cops have a really hard job and they have to be trained to use deadly force.
Are you trained to use deadly force at your job?  Yeah, me neither.
I can't imagine how I would handle that.  It would be something I would have to work up to a lot.  And I imagine it is a very, very stressful position to be in knowing you might have to use lethal force and end somebody's life today.

And maybe Michael Brown didn't deserve to be shot dead in the street and have his character smeared after he was murdered so that his family and mother would have to deal with supreme ugliness after their child was killed.

And maybe Eric Garner's six children deserved to have more empathy shown to them after their father was killed, rather than having people say that he was a convicted felon so it was okay that he was choked to death by police using a tactic that had been banned for more than 20 years.

I don't know how to handle these doctors.  These idiots.
I suppose there's really nothing I can do that makes me feel comfortable.  That makes me feel like I've done the right thing.
I can tell them to keep it down.
But they've been told several times to keep it down, and from several different people, and that hasn't worked so far.  I have no reason to believe it would make any difference if I said anything to them.
After all, they don't value something as big as the lives of Eric Garner or Michael Brown, why would they value my request for workplace silence?
Maybe they would value my words more than the life of two men because I'm white.

Comment Sections and Echo Chambers

I was at work today.
It was a shitty production day, which means that instead of actually working, I was staring into space, getting lost in Wikipedia articles, generally not working.
It wasn't that I didn't want to work.
In fact, I always WANT to work.
But I don't feel like I'm in control of my ability to focus sometimes.
Anywhooooo... that's a story for another day.  Maybe.

I was cruising around wherever I was and ran across an NPR story about a Seventh-Day Adventist pastor who publicly spent a "year without god", and at the end of his year, he decided he didn't believe in god anymore.  As you can imagine, the comments section was filled with debate about the existence of god, and scientific proof of his existence/absence, and how stupid people are, and name calling, and generally heated, disrespectful, uninformed, and ignorant remarks.

Normally I get turned off by these comments.  But today, for whatever reason, my eyes kinda shifted, like they do when I'm looking at one of those Magic Eye calendars, and I saw the comments section differently than I normally do.  I felt like the ability to write a comment on a website is like offering people a microphone to broadcast their voices over the radio, or turning on a camera and giving people the chance to be on TV.  And the thought of being heard is not only exciting but presents the possibility of hope-- Someone May Hear Me. 

In reading the blog of the preacher mentioned in the NPR article, he starts by trying to define terminology he's going to be using, and he talks about how words are used to communicate.  But as I was reading his words, I was starting to feel like many people don't really use words to communicate, but to divide. 

There have been times when I've had to say, "you know what I mean, though, right?" because the person I was talking with was getting stopped by something else in my words other than their intended meaning, like incorrect grammar or spelling, or the desire of the person I was speaking with to fight me and prove me wrong.  Rather than understanding my intention, there was deliberate miscommunication, which caused me to say, "you know what I mean, though, right?" 

When I was a kid, we played a lot of those miscommunication games. 
I liked rubber buns and liquor.
You remember that one?
Okay, out loud, say the phrase "rubber buns and liquor" after everything I say.  What you say is in italics.
What do you eat for breakfast?  Rubber buns and liquor.
What do you eat for lunch?  Rubber buns and liquor.
What do you do when you see a pretty lady?  "Rub 'er buns and lick 'er". 
Hilarity.

Or the one where you latch on to the last word somebody says that ends with an "er" sound, like "liquor", or "factor", or "cracker".
"Would you like some liquor?"
"Lick 'er??  I hardly know 'er!"

"Do you think the cold temperatures will be a factor?"
"Fact 'er??  I hardly know 'er!"

"Help me!  My life is ending because I'm being choked to death by a cracker!"
"Crack 'er??  I hardly know 'er!"

Or this one
"Okay, I need to look at your rectum."
"Wrecked 'em??  Nearly killed 'em!"

These are jokes. 
Some of them are hilarious. 
Some of them are very hilarious. 
But wherever you stand, they are deliberate miscommunication. 

Internet comment sections have been turned from the gift they were intended to be into a mosh pit of individuals who don't really want to communicate.  It's one person saying something, then another person intentionally misunderstanding what they're saying.  And then people keep yelling at each other because they feel hurt and attacked and need to defend their positions.

I think there are a lot of reasons for this phenomenon.
I think it happens in all kinds of places.
I think many news outlets yell at us, the consumers, in order to get us to buy their publication or TV show.  And they keep yelling at us hoping that we will keep consuming their stuff.
Advertisements yell at us, trying to get us to buy something and drown out all others who want you to buy something else.  And all the yelling increases the yelling.
I think it happens with politicians, they yell at each other, and then when that yelling is done, another politician gets up and yells some more, and then another, and another, until all the politicians are yelling and nobody can hear anything and nothing gets done.  You hear me say the words "health care" and immediately have your opinion and want to yell about it, because if you don't yell, you'll definitely be drowned out by the other people yelling.  You hear the words "immigration" and you're up and yelling your points like there's a war.  Doesn't matter that I haven't said anything at all.  The politicians are ready to fight and yell and yell some more.

And we, the public, fight, too.
And we're all yelling at each other for something.
But we haven't heard anything at all.

One of the things I was reading in this former-pastor's blog comments was about science vs. religion, and how people come to defend science saying, "It's a proven scientific fact!"  But I can think of many things that were once "proven facts" that have been disproved with more information.  I remember being taught about the smallest particle in the world.  I can't remember what it was called, so let's call it Clyde.  "Clyde," my science teacher told us, "is the smallest particle in the world."  Then, the following year, it was discovered that Jessica was, actually, the smallest particle, so we had to learn a new, different "fact". 

"See?!" cry those who feel attacked, "science can't be trusted!  It has been wrong before, and anyone who defends science is wrong!!"  And suddenly, those who believe in science have been discarded.

"Science is wrong??" cry those who feel attacked.  "Religion talks about bringing people peace, but instead, the same people that talk of peace are the first ones to judge and disregard people, like you did in your post!"

Now the first people respond with, "Your previous post proves you're stupid, because it should be "the same people who talk of peace", not "the same people that talk of peace".  Obviously, you're dumb and I win."

"You're such an idiot.  It's "the same people WHOM talk of peace" you idiot.  I win."
"No you don't, because you put double-quotation marks in your previous sentence, and it should have been a single quotation mark when you quoted '...the same people...'.  I now sling more mud at you."

I think part of the problem is that feeling of being attacked.
It's immediate.  It's violent.  And it demands action NOW!

My first thought was to put limits on websites, so that people couldn't post for 2 days after reading an article or comment.  But that doesn't stop people from FEELING attacked.
And it's that feeling that is causing the anxiety in people, I think.
If they don't say something, if they don't yell, then somebody will do something to hurt them.

It would be a nicer world if we didn't have to worry about people attacking us.

Since I only have control over my own actions, perhaps the only thing I can do...
Is Stop Attacking People.

Maybe others will follow me.  Maybe they won't.
But I will have done all I am able to do to make this world a better place.
And this world could be a better place.

taking time off

the work at my job keeps coming

i am assigned cases to work
i get 16 cases a week
4 each day for 4 days
these cases come if i'm here
these cases come if i'm not here

on weeks like this one, where we are given two days off during the middle of the week
the cases don't come for two days
it didn't used to be this way
it used to be that the cases would come no matter what

"we only want the work to get done"
i'm sick
"we only want the work to get done"
family emergency
"we only want the work to get done"
death
"we only want the work to get done"
flat tire, food poisoning, ill child, concussion...
"we only want the work to get done"

my wife wants me to take time off
feel rested
relaxed
i try to tell her that i'm trapped
i don't know how to tell her in a way that she will understand
maybe she won't understand
if i take time off, i have more work to do when i get back
and then i'm behind
and i will never, ever be caught up

i get a day's worth of work if i'm there
i get a day's worth of work if i'm not there
when i return from not being there, i will have that day's worth of work
plus the day's worth of work that didn't get done when i wasn't there
i am behind
and i will never be caught up

and since their mantra is
"we only want the work to get done"
being behind means the work isn't getting done
so now i'm subjected to talks
and talks about how i'm no good
i'm not performing up to standards
i'm behind and what is my plan for getting caught up

i hate those questions
they're not real questions
they're punishments
admonishments wrapped with a question mark
they're tests to see if you know how bad you are
how behind you are
how stupid and useless and devoid of content or relevance you are

what is your plan for getting caught up

i don't fucking know
work
that's my plan
i'm going to work

well... that's not good enough
what's your plan for getting caught up

well... since my first plan wasn't good enough,
i suppose my next plan to get caught up is
fucking quit
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you

It would be a true Christmas miracle

She is in my house right now.
Bringing in her backwoods thoughts
And backwoods ways
And backwards beliefs.
I just want, oh really really want
For her to get bent in half, backwards, and get her head rammed up her asshole so far that she suffocates on her own colon as she chokes on her vile horrid shit.
She is a fucking fuck.

Fun fact...

The citizens of Colorado voted to legalize marijuana for recreational purposes.

The states of Oklahoma and Nebraska filed suit with the Supreme Court to strike down Colorado's legalization of marijuana.  They say that it is difficult to enforce a federal ban on marijuana with the drug entering their borders from neighboring Colorado.  Nebraska Attorney General said while Colorado reaps millions from the production and sale of pot, Nebraska taxpayers have to bear the cost.     

http://www.pbs.org/newshour/rundown/nebraska-oklahoma-sue-colorado-legalized-marijuana/


How.  Fucking.  Stupid.

Citation Please

I think we all need to calm down.

I think there are too many people yelling about race.
http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2014-12-21/killings-of-new-york-police-denounced-as-despicable-act-.html

http://www.nytimes.com/politics/first-draft/2014/12/22/?entry=mb-3&_r=0

http://thinkprogress.org/justice/2014/12/21/3606040/rudy-giuliani-2-nyc-cops-were-killed-because-obama-told-everyone-to-hate-the-police/

And I think all of this yelling spills out onto the social website Facebook.
http://facebook.com

And I think many of our news outlets report on race relations along with opinions pieces about these race relations (please see above citations).

However, not many people on Facebook note where they are receiving their information upon which they form their opinions.  (please see http://facebook.com for more information about this statement and how infrequently people cite their sources).  Many of my "friends" on this "social" website are posting angry rants about the "race haters" and "race baiters" and how the Obama administration and our current civil rights groups have "stomped" on all the work that whites and blacks have done for so long, and in naming the "Obama administration", and the "current civil rights groups", the only people/groups named who were committing these atrocities were Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and the Black Panthers.   Fox News has a recent piece about two men affiliated with the New Black Panther Party allegedly attempting to bomb individuals associated with racial tensions in Ferguson, but not being able to because their EBT cards didn't have the funds needed to buy the explosives.  No one was injured in the alleged attempt to set off a bomb, and the comments section has many people talking about how progressives will want to increase limits on EBT cards and how the Black Panthers, along with Al Sharpton and "a few others" are the major culprits in "race relations" today.
http://nation.foxnews.com/2014/11/30/black-panthers-unable-buy-bombs-because-ebt-card-didn%E2%80%99t-have-enough-money

The New York Post reported this story as well, without any comments.
http://nypost.com/2014/11/22/fbi-makes-explosive-ferguson-bust/

The Black Panthers have denounced the New Black Panther Party, who is generally considered a hate group.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Panther_Party

To summarize: The New Black Panther Party is not the original group known as The Black Panthers, they are generally considered a hate group, and two people who are affiliated with this hate group allegedly planned on bombing people and places in something they saw as a racial issue.  However, they were arrested prior to being able to bomb anybody or anything.

So calm down about the Black Panthers and The New Black Panther Party.  Calm.  Down.

An article from CBS News starts, "Civil rights leaders Sunday condemned the ambush killings of two New York police officers...".
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/ismaaiyl-brinsley-nypd-officers-murders-backlash-protest-movement/?google_editors_picks=true

So civil rights leaders condemned the killings.  Calm.  Down.


So where am I going with all of this?


Let's take a look later in the same CBS News article:
"In the wake of the ambush, former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani lashed out at New York Mayor Bill de Blasio, President Barack Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder. Speaking on Fox News, Giuliani said: 'We've had four months of propaganda starting with the president that everybody should hate the police.'
'They have created an atmosphere of severe, strong, anti-police hatred in certain communities, and for that, they should be ashamed of themselves,' he said."


Citation please, former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani.  Citation please.
WHO created this atmosphere and in WHAT WAYS, and in WHICH communities?  If you're not able to cite your sources for these statements, we cannot be expected to believe what you're saying as factual.

You see, I've given citations for every one of my statements here, giving you, the reader, the same information I'm given, as well as a basis for my opinions.  Often opinions start in with feelings, rather than facts.  Which is fine.  Everybody is entitled to feelings.  But if those feelings lead you to incite fear and panic in others, you shouldn't be allowed to have access to a public forum where your fear endangers people and things.  Sorta like when Chester beats me at Monopoly, my feelings tell me he eats babies and rapes kittens for fun.  So then I take my truth that I feel onto CBS News and tell the world about Chester's kitten fetishes and baby soups, and suddenly Chester is hunted by kitten activist groups and anti-baby soup foundations, and he's not really sure why.

So where am I going with all of this???

I want to propose that all people who are going to speak in public or write in a public forum need to start citing their sources for the things they say.  No, we're not going to get pure fact from everyone, but it will give us some information about what we're listening to.  And if nothing is cited, what has just been said can't be expected to be taken as factual.  I don't want to restrict free speech.  I don't even want to restrict feelings and anger, cuz it sucks when Chester wins at Monopoly.  But, no matter how much of a cock he is for beating me in Monopoly, he doesn't deserve to have his family read that he rapes kittens, or have his friendships strained or ruined because people believe he eats babies.  Because Chester DOESN'T do those things.  And the Obama administration HASN'T given four months of propaganda about how everybody should hate the police.  And Al Sharpton ISN'T a race hater or race baiter.  And the most recent thing I could find on Jesse Jackson is that he wants to bring diversity to Silicon Valley.
http://fortune.com/2014/12/20/jesse-jackson-talks-diversity-in-silicon-valley/

Without these citations, people are allowed to scream their feelings at the top of their lungs, and others believe those feelings to be facts, and share in the hysteria.  "Chester rapes kittens!" we all scream, because I screamed it first.  And people lose their minds about how we need to tighten security on the pound so that Chester and others like him in his liberal/conservative/vegetarian group can't rape kittens.  And people freak out about all the babies that are being eaten by Chester and those he's indoctrinating and we must ban guns/provide more guns and shoot everybody/nobody who believes that Chester should be killed/spared.  We get all in an uproar, all because I got my feelings hurt and screamed uncited words about Chester.  We all get in an uproar because Giuliani got hurt, and then somebody put a microphone in his mouth and allowed him to speak while he was hurt and didn't demand he cite his sources.  Facebook doesn't care if you cite sources or not, and often acts like an enormous echo chamber of hatred and anxiety about whatever your friends feel.  They share their moments of anger, and you pick up on those moments and suddenly you're angry, too, and after that we need to make sure that all/none black people are locked up so that all/none white people can live without fear of being shot/not being shot.  And we're all fucking out of our minds and freaking the fuck out because something happened!  We don't quite know what happened, and our busy schedules don't allow us to read about it or investigate it like we should, but we know how we feel, and it's a FACT that I feel like we're all doomed!!!

Run for your lives!!!

Look...

...stop running...

...please, take a breath...

I get it.
You're tired.
You don't want people to hate anymore.
You don't want to think about black vs. white.  White vs. black.  Anybody vs. anybody.
You wanna watch TV, eat dinner, play with your kids.
You wanna live nicely.
You wanna smile.
You wanna feel good.
I get it.
You're tired.
You want to feel good.
But you don't.
And you're tired of it all.

I wonder, if you can, try to imagine that the person closest to you, whomever that may be, feels exactly like you.
Try to imagine...
that another person...
feels the same tired you feel.
He or she is tired of it all.
He or she is trying to feel good but doesn't.
Can you imagine that?

And now, if you're able...
Can you imagine that one more person feels the same way you do?
Somebody close to you.
Somebody you talk with regularly.
Somebody else is tired of it all and wants to feel good.

And maybe, if you're able to do that...
You can imagine that somebody close to somebody close to you
feels exactly the same way you do.
Somebody maybe you don't know.
But they feel just like you.
They're tired.  They want to feel good.

And if you're able to imagine all of that, maybe you could imagine a little more.  Maybe you could imagine that everyone in your city feels exactly like you.  Everyone in your city feels tired of it all.  Everyone in your city wants to feel good but doesn't.

Let's start there.
Let's start with everyone feels exactly like you.
Everyone feels tired of it all and everyone wants to feel good.

We are all on the same boat of feeling tired of it all and wanting to feel good.
We are all unique, we all have different stories and we all have our own opinions.
I am not denying anyone that.
Everyone is special.
And
Everyone feels tired of it all and wants to feel good.


Stay in that place just for a moment.
Stay where everyone feels tired of it all and wants to feel good.
Stay there.

We all want the same thing.
We all want to feel good.
We all are tired of it all.

There is no need to be upset now.
Because we are all feeling the same thing.
You don't have to be upset now.
You can let the upset go.
Let go of the anxiety.
Let go of all of it.
And breathe.
Breathe in
and when you
breathe out
you let it go
all of it


And now, we all feel the same, and we are all calm.
And now...
...very slowly...
...very carefully...

...and calmly...

...we take one step forward toward our goal.
We Will Feel Good.
And by feeling good, we will no longer be tired of it all.
We will step together.
And when somebody gets hurt, we will take care of them.
And when somebody needs help, we will help them.
And when somebody starts to get upset, anxious, and starts to Yell (!) ...we will help them breathe.
We will help them calm down.
You are not going to drown, we will say to them.
You are safe.
You are secure.
You are not alone.
Because we are all here together.
Because we are all stepping together.
Calmly.
Carefully.
Together.
Towards feeling good.
Together.

Happy Fucking 14th.

Our youngest has been gone for about two weeks, the normal amount of time for him to be gone.

His time with us started when my wife texted me:

Apparently I'm supposed to pick up [our youngest] from school.  He's asking where I am.  On my way to him.

Let me spell this out for you.
Our Youngest goes to school.
His Father tell him his Mother will be picking him up from school.
His Father tells him this because this is not the usual thing.
Father does not discuss this with Mother.
So when Youngest gets out of school, he is left with this thought,
"Mom didn't come and pick me up."
Youngest has negative thoughts about Mother.
And there's not much Mother can do about it.
She could complain to Youngest about Father.
"He didn't tell me."
But Youngest has had enough of the fighting.
It's tough raising a kid.
It's even tougher raising a kid when his other parent is trying to turn him against you.

So then he arrives at our house.
He is wearing the pendant that his Father gave him when his Father got married for the third time and Youngest was Father's best man.
The front of the pendant, which looks like a dog tag, has a deep Christian cross engraved in it, with the leg and arm pieces engraved to look like nails.  On the back of the pendant is engraved "Ps 144 1-2".  This is Psalm 144, 1-2, KJV:

Blessed be the Lord my strength which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight:
My goodness, and my fortress; my high tower, and my deliverer; my shield, and he in whom I trust; who sudueth my people under me.

When I got married, I focused on Love.
When Youngest's Father got married for the third time, he thought about War, and subduing people under him.
Fucking sick shit.

And then I was told that my wife's mother had dropped off crab legs for Youngest's birthday.
Crab legs are my wife's favorite food.
And when she was a child, she was told that she could have anything she wanted for a meal for her birthday.  She said crab legs.  Her mother said no, they're too expensive.
Now she drops off crab legs for the 14 year old on his birthday.
What a fucking cunt.
There aren't strong enough words to express how fucking horrible I think she is.
She and Youngest's Father are twins in fucking Cuntdom.  Fucking FUCKING CUNTS!!

And I'm supposed to help our Youngest celebrate his birthday today.
And I'm supposed to relax over the weekend.
And I'm supposed to fucking pick up boys for a fucking party.
And all I wanna do is smash everyone and everything!
Burn it all to the fucking ground!
Smash and burn and smash!!

Instead of that, though...

...I have blogged.

It's not even close to being the same.

Now... on to pick up boys and get burgers.

Hoo.  Ray.

The Stupid

I used to want to be a super hero and save people.

Now, I'm fairly certain that most people should die in a car fire or be lost in a submarine accident.

I don't want to be a super hero anymore.  I don't want to save people.  I want most people to leave me alone.  I want most people to die, or go away, and if they can't die or go away, just go to the other side of the room where I don't have to be bothered with their Stupid.

I'm really, really tired of other people's Stupid.  Not because I give a shit about them, but their Stupid is spilling over into my meal, and I don't want to eat my soup with their Stupid.

I don't see a way to educate the Stupid out of them, and I have no hope for this.
I can't see that they will all go away.
I can't see that they will all become enlightened.  Primarily because they're Stupid.
So I gotta go away.

Ima take my comforter, my computer, my DVDs, my guitar, my video cameras, my iPod, and my keyboard and go live under a rock.  Where nobody can get to me.  I may buy an arcade Donkey Kong for my rock house, but maybe not.  It might not fit.  Whatever.  I don't care.  I'll just find a place that has a Donkey Kong machine and play it there.  I think the hot dog place around the corner has a Donkey Kong machine.  I'll go there an play and then get back under my rock.

I'm so ultra tire of people.
So draining.
So stupid.
So draining I can't think of another word meaning Suck Out Your Desire To Live.

I gotta do some of my stupid work now.
Shit sucks sometimes.

Delta Dental Insurance 12/2014

I have dental insurance with Delta Dental, with which I cover my 18 year-old and my wife.

My 18 year-old got his teeth cleaned at the dentist recently.

No fillings, nothing weird.  Just a cleaning.

The bill was $156.

After the insurance covered their part, we were stuck with the remainder of the bill.

$107.

Delta Dental Insurance paid $49. 
Less than a third of the total bill.

I have been with Delta Dental for 5 years now.

I pay them $96.52 every month for dental coverage.  For them to cover my dental needs when I need it.  When my family needs it.  So that I'm not put into financial straits when it's time to care for the health needs of myself and my family.

For 5 years I have not used the service that I have been paying for.
For 5 years, no one in my family has used their service.

Over this period of time, they have received $5,791.20 from me alone.
I have never cost them any money, nor has any member of my family.
When I need to use this service that I've been paying for, they do not pay for the bill.
They do not pay for half of the bill.
They pay less than 1% of the total amount of money I've paid them over my time with them.

My family will need to make some changes to afford this charge.
We will need to make some serious changes in order to afford wisdom teeth removal from my 18-year-old.  It's possible that we won't be able to afford to care for his health even with health insurance.


Of course, the alternative is even worse.

My work pays me a stipend, an extra amount of money each month, to pay for health insurance.
That stipend is mine only if I elect to receive health insurance from the companies they provide.
If I don't select health insurance through my job, then I don't receive that stipend.
Any money from the stipend that is left over after I pay for my health insurance is given to my in my paycheck.
In 2015, my stipend will not cover all of my health insurance costs, and I will, for the first time in five years, be paying for my health insurance coverage with money beyond that which I am provided in my stipend.
I will be taking money I use to care for my family and spending it to provide services which I cannot afford to use.
I wouldn't be able to make ends meet if I had to pay $96.52 of my own money every month for dental insurance.

And the national narrative is that I don't work hard enough.
If you work hard enough, you can get anything you want.
You can become rich.
You can take care of yourself and your family.
If you work hard enough.
And those who don't work hard enough aren't able to do that.
We who are lazy are feeling the pressures of not enough money.
It is my fault that I'm in this position.
I'm not educated enough.
I didn't make the right decisions.
Something that puts the blame on me.
I'm to blame that things are tough, and if I just worked harder I would be better off.
My family doesn't work hard enough.
My family is lazy.
We're all lazy.
And therefore we're deserving of difficult financial times.
If only we were better educated.
If only we had made different choices.
We would be able to afford what we need.

In order to afford to get his teeth cleaned, my son needed dental insurance.
Along with the bill for dental insurance, we needed to pay for the cost of his procedure dental insurance didn't cover.
In order to pay a $156 teeth cleaning bill, we needed to pay $96.52 this month alone plus the extra amount the insurance wouldn't cover.

Let's break it down like this:
My son got his teeth cleaned.
The bill for this service was $156.
We will pay $203.52 for this service.

This needs to be a crime.
This absolutely must be against the law, as it is an abomination.

And why have you remained silent about this?
Is it because it really doesn't matter if another poor family gets poorly taken care of in this country?
Is it because it really doesn't matter if another poor family gets poorly taken care of in your country?
And why are you proud to be part of a country that treats its citizens poorly?
And why do you continue to listen to the lies you've been fed all your life?
And why have you remained silent?

And People Listened

He was going to fight her.
He wanted to hurt her.
So he brought charges.
Legal charges.
"This is what she's done!" he screamed.
And people listened.

He continued to fight her.
He wanted to hurt her.
So he brought charges.
Legal charges.
Again.
"This is what's happened now!" he screamed.
And people listened.

And she ran out of time.
And she ran out of money.
And she ran out of patience.
But had no choice to continue
To show up when his Crazy screamed
And people listened.

He continued to fight her.
He wanted to hurt her.
So he brought charges.
Legal charges.
Again again.
"This is how she's bad for our children!" he screamed.
And again again, people listened.

And people told her to accept it.
People told her to get over it.
People told her to let it go.
And even when she did, he did not.
And people told her to stop fighting.

And people told her he would keep fighting.
And people told her she couldn't change him.
And people told her he looked good and presented well.
And she would loose if she continued to fight him.

And she was told that saying he was lying was fighting
And she was told standing up to his accusations was fighting
And she was told that she was the reason the fight continued
If she would just give up and surrender to everything, the fight would end.


So she stops
She doesn't move
In the hopes to stop the fight
Nothing new happens
Good or bad
Because anything new could be attacked
And anything new could be judged
And anything new might make him scream
"This is new!  Look at what she's doing now!"
And people would listen.

So... Why Are Insurance Costs Going Up??

I get a stipend from my work to pay for health insurance.  My job pays me a salary and, in addition, pays me a stipend to spend on health insurance.  They provide me with a list of providers, and I get to use their money to pay for one of their providers.  If I choose a health care provider who costs more than what my stipend is, I have to pay an out-of-pocket expense for that health insurance.  If I choose a health care provider who costs less than my stipend, the amount of money I don't spend is returned to me in my paycheck.  So if I'm concerned with bringing home as much money as possible, then it makes more sense to choose a cheap health care provider than an expensive one.

With the insurance that we "pay for" ourselves, there are still co-pays and costs associated with going to the doctor.  It's not as much as it could be, but there is a cost.  So even though I pay for insurance to pay for health care, I also must pay for health care.  Which means I need the money to pay for health care, which brings me back to the concept of getting as much money in my check every month as possible.

Last year, we were told that our premiums would increase.  We were told this was because of the Affordable Care Act (ACA), aka ObamaCare.  It's one of those answers we get far too frequently: an answer that sounds like it makes sense, but it doesn't.  We don't know why ObamaCare was raising prices, we were just told ObamaCare was raising prices.  It feels like a very Cave Man way of thinking.  Did ObamaCare actually raise insurance prices?  No.  It didn't.  But so many people simply will not believe that because the answer to Why Is My Health Insurance Price Rising is ObamaCare, and anyone with a Cro-Magnon brain knows that (that's Early Human to those of you without Cro-Magnon brains).  It's the same reason why all full-time employees (excluding management) at Carl's Jr. were suddenly made into part-time employees: ObamaCare.  Did ObamaCare force Carl's Jr. to give employees less hours and cut their benefits?  No.  But the reason why people making minimum wage are now working less hours, cutting their paycheck substantially, is ObamaCare.

It doesn't matter that Carl's Jr. decided to cut employees hours so that they wouldn't have to provide health insurance or benefits for their full-time employees and "take care" of the people they hired to make sure their business continues to operate on a daily basis.  It doesn't matter that insurance companies have increased their prices without increasing services.  It doesn't matter, because people continue to parrot the blaming point ObamaCare.

It's like an all-too-familiar situation I've been in for the last 7 years of my life.  Mom and Dad get divorced, and the children are caught in the middle.  One parent wants to care for the children, and the other parent wants to Win The Battle.  Doesn't matter that there isn't a battle, because he's gonna win it.  So the parent who is taking care of the kids tries to make them comfortable.  The parent who is trying to win the battle says to them, "if you do what I say, I won't bother you.  If you do what your mother says, I'll make your life a living hell."  He's not concerned with the welfare of the kids because anyone who says "I'll make your life a living hell" isn't concerned with health and welfare!  Kinda like the employer who says "you can have ObamaCare which will assist you in caring for your health, but if you do, we will actively prevent you from being able to care for your health."  The insurance company and corporations like Carl's Jr. are holding employees and policy holders hostage.  And while they hold the guns to our heads, they point to ObamaCare and say, "Look at what your foolish president is making us do!"  And then they pull the trigger.

Here are some key provisions of ObamaCare.  If your company has 50 or more full-time employees, you must provide those employees with health insurance.  Your company doesn't have to pay for it, because the federal government has allotted money to assist you with this cost.  All you have to do is accept the money.  When you do, the government will provide you with insurance providers they use, or you can use their money to pay for insurance providers you would prefer to use, and your employees will have those same options.  Insurance companies will be paid with these funds.  In turn, insurance companies will pay doctors and health care providers to provide you with care for your health.  So you can live healthy.  Insurance companies cannot turn you away because you were sick before you got insurance.  This was a very common practice previous to ObamaCare.  Insurance companies would deny their services to those who needed it most.  ObamaCare said that insurance companies couldn't do that.

In order to combat the evils of caring for people, insurance companies increased their prices without increasing their services.  And companies like Carl's Jr. decided to cut the hours of their full-time employees, making them part-time employees and, thus, wouldn't need to provide them with care for their health as well as stripping them of their income.  Corporations like Hobby Lobby decided to take their concerns to the Supreme Court, which agreed that Hobby Lobby wouldn't be forced to provide care for their employees.  Hobby Lobby has always insisted that they pay their employees $11 an hour or more, far above minimum wage, so that they can buy health insurance.  An employee making $11 an hour for 40 hours brings home about $1200 after taxes.  The cheapest living arrangement I could find just now was a room for rent on Craigslist with a 58-year-old casual beer drinking male who was looking for a laid back woman, "espanic or Caucasion", to pay him $200 a month and be his wife.  So after getting a room and a husband, that employee now has $1000 a month to live on.  I pay over $1400 a month for health insurance.  So after paying the $1000 the employee has, and $400 that the employee doesn't have, that employee now has health insurance, a husband, a place to stay, a job, and nothing else (except the $400 in debt).  No food, no toothpaste, no condoms, no aspirin, no clothes, no deodorant, no nothing.  No extra money for anything.  And debt.  Thank you, Hobby Lobby, for being so considerate of your employees that you provide them with nothing except debt and expect people to thank you for it.

http://prescriptions.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/01/12/why-does-health-care-cost-so-much/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=0
This site is home to the New York Times blog entitled "Why Does Health Care Cost So Much?"  In this blog, you'll find this passage:

"That question — why medical care, and insurance to cover medical care, cost so much – is at the core of the legislative debate in Washington. And as Congress gets closer to approving a final bill, it is being asked by smart observers everywhere.  ...So let’s ask two experts, from opposite sides of the political spectrum."

No, New York Times blog, I don't want to ask "experts" so affiliated with a political party that their answers will change based solely on their political affiliation.  I want answers based on facts that don't change until the facts change, you stupid fucking blog!  Facts sound something like this: Health insurance companies are a business, and as such, they are primarily concerned with making money.  When they have to pay people money they have less money for themselves.  So they try not to spend money in all different kinds of ways.  Some of those ways include, but are not limited to denying coverage to people, and increasing prices when they can't deny coverage to people in order to keep money coming in.

I think you would be hard pressed to find somebody who would say that it's a bad thing for people to make money.  I think it would be equally as hard to find somebody who would say it's a bad thing for businesses to make money.  But when it comes down to making money or taking care of people, like it does so often with insurance companies, suddenly the business is all about caring for people.  Because Caring For People Is Our Primary Concern.  Without Our People, We Wouldn't Be Here.  Which is a lie.  Without money, you wouldn't be here, and making that money is your primary concern.  But it sounds good to say those other things.  Makes people not worry so much about how they continue to get screwed, and how they continue to give companies their money.

(In case you were wondering, the above article was posted in 2010.  If you visit the homepage of prescriptions.blogs.nytimes.com, you will get this message from February 2012:  "The Times is discontinuing the Prescriptions blog, which was created to track the debate and aftermath of the 2009 health care law."  Using a word like "aftermath" makes it pretty clear where this blog stands on ObamaCare-- it's to blame for everything.  Fuckin' blog.)

Two years ago, I was able to pay for insurance for my wife and myself and get about $120 back in my paycheck from my stipend.  I used that $120 to buy groceries for myself and my family.  Then I added one child to our policy, and prices increased.  Both of those things took my take-home pay from $120 to about $40.  I used that $40 to buy my son a week of groceries.  Two years ago I was told prices were going up because of ObamaCare.  I was not told anything this year.

So today I went online to adjust my health insurance.  I needed to change my primary care physician.  Last year, my wife went to the doctor and she said that the primary care physician we had made her feel bad.  So I wanted to change.  The only thing I changed was the physician.  When I checked out to make sure everything was correct, I noticed that my out-of-pocket expense had changed, even though my services had not.  Last year, I got $40 added to my paycheck after insuring my family.  This year, I have to pay $80 a month to insure my family.  That represents two weeks worth of food for my son, three if you count the $40 I'm losing as well.  And that $120 total is going to pay for a service that I can't afford to use.

I don't know what the answer is.
I do know that I'm getting fucked.
And the gun that's being pressed against my head isn't being held by ObamaCare.  It's being held by Global Health and Delta Dental and all the other corporations that claim to provide care.  They are eating three weeks of my son's food and giving him nothing in return.
And I am powerless to do anything about it.

Really Good Memory

I remember this conversation I had with my mom.  It was a great conversation. 

The first time I ever did stand-up comedy, I was 18 and I had just started going to a university about an hour away from home.  I entered a stand-up competition for students on campus, and I had to perform 3 minutes of material.  If your set went over three minutes, you would be disqualified from the competition.  You couldn't curse or do offensive material.  And I signed up.  Stand-up was something I had always wanted to try, and Eddie Murphy had started his career with stand-up when he was 18, so I thought I would give it a shot, too.  You know... because I'm exactly like Eddie Murphy. 

Getting no more than 3 minutes of material together didn't seem like it was going to be difficult, but it was.  I worked really hard to get good quality material in my act, and I was surprised when it started going beyond three minutes.  I cut and trimmed and eventually came up with an act that was close to the three minute mark.  I rehearsed a lot.  I went to a friend's house and had her video tape my routine so that I could see what I looked like and how the jokes sounded outside of my head.  And I invited my parents.  I told them that it was only going to be three minutes, so it might not be worth their time coming.  My mother came without hesitation.

The actual stand-up competition was open to the public.  It was in a small-to-medium sized auditorium, probably something used for lectures.  There were about 10 people who were performing in the competition, and a couple of them were very eager to tell everybody that they had done stand-up before and were professionals, and they were eager to allow us to feel like they were going to win.  There was one guy who could make an oboe sound like a light saber, and I thought he was really good.  Out of everybody, I was pretty sure he was going to win.  He had been doing his act for a while, and he told us it was very polished.  And it was.  He was very funny, and I still remember his light saber oboe.

The crowd was ushered in.  I saw my mom, and I waved.  She waved back.

I don't remember much after the lights came down.  I was really nervous. 
There were some people before me.  There were some people after me.
I remember somebody called my name and I went on stage and took the mic.
I started.
And then...
...I got my first laugh from the audience.

I hadn't expected that.

I'm not sure why I hadn't expected that, but I hadn't.
And when people laughed, I had to stop speaking.  Otherwise they wouldn't be able to hear me over the laughter.
And even when I stopped speaking, my timer was going.
I hadn't planned on that!
I only had three minutes!
But the audience continued to laugh.
And laugh.
And Laugh.
And at one point, I tried to politely motion for them to stop laughing.
But they wouldn't.
And even as I waved my hand at them, I realized that I was telling them to stop doing what I had wanted them to do all along-- Laugh! 
But I was going to be disqualified if they didn't stop!
And then, I fiinished.
"Thank you."
And they erupted into applause!
And they stood up!
And they were still laughing!
It was an amazing experience.

I asked my mother about it later, and she gave me her perspective as an audience member.

She didn't know what my routine was going to be, but she was biased before anyone got on stage.  And she tried to temper that bias, but it was hard for her.  But she tried.  And she watched the people before me, and mentally said, "I'll bet my son is funnier than they are."  And then she watched me come out, and wasn't surprised by the crowd's reaction, but *was* surprised at the same time.  She knew I was good, but she didn't know that others would share her opinion as vocally as this audience did.  And she said that it was a really nice feeling to have a whole room of strangers cheering for her son and laughing at his jokes.  It was nice to watch me do as well as I did.  And then I was done, and she was very proud of me.  And as I walked off the stage, she was certain that I was funnier than anyone who had come before me.  And then another performer came out, and he wasn't as funny as I was.  And then another one.  And another one.  And it dawned on my mom, "We could win this whole thing!"  I remember when she first told me this that I was struck by her use of the word "we".  She didn't say "you could win this whole thing," or "he could win this whole thing," but she included herself.  She was part of my team, and that felt really good.  She wasn't stealing any of my thunder or trying to take credit for anything she hadn't done.  But she alligned herself with me, and that felt awesome.  Really, really awesome.  One of the biggest differences between stand-up and every other stage performance I've ever done is that stand-up is solo.  You're alone.  You're alone when you write the material.  You're alone when you perform the material.  Everything else I had done before or since had other people with me.  I may have written alone, but I didn't perform alone.  Even if I performed a solo, I had performers to come on before or after me.  The success of the show didn't hinge entirely on me.  Stand-up has no one but yourself.  And having my mom use the word "we" was super comforting and unexpectedly awesome.  So she watched the other people come out, and she thought, "We could win this whole thing!"  And more people kept coming out, and none of them were as funny as I was or had gotten the kind of reaction I had gotten.  And even the guy with the oboe didn't get the crowd laughing like I had.  He was funny.  And the audience reacted to him.  But it was clear to her, even after the oboe light saber, that I was the obvious winner.  And when they announced me as the winner, she wasn't surprised at all and she *was* surprised at all!  Of course her son was good, but she didn't realize that anybody else would see him the way she saw him.  And this entire room did!

After the show, I'm pretty sure my mom took me out to eat.  That is typically the best part of any show I do.  Even after opening for "Bobcat" Goldthwait and having him invite me to go and party with him and a whole bunch of other people, I chose to go eat with my mom.  And yeah, there were times that I wondered what would have become of that had I gone out with "Bobcat".  Would we be friends now?  Would I be hugely famous?  Maybe.  But I think I would do it the same way if I had to do it over again.  Not that "Bobcat" wasn't a nice or cool guy.  But my mom is just that groovy.  She drove almost three hours to watch me perform for 3 minutes!  Move over, "Bobcat", gotta go have pie with my mom at Denny's.  I'll bet it was the Denny's right by the slaughterhouse, too, but I don't remember.  That slaughterhouse was so massively stinky, and it was on the road into town, so every time you came to town you had to drive through miles of dead pig stench.  Disgusting.  And they built a Denny's next to it!!  Who was the drunk genius to come up with that idea?!  I don't know, but I would do all of that again if given the choice.

Really good memory.
I love that memory.

Worry Is Stupid

I'm pretty much done with this Worry shit.

What is Worry, anyhow??  And why the hell is so much of my life taken up with it??

My wife and I are about to "go away" for the weekend together.  It was an amazing gift from my mom, and something we've wanted for a really, really long time.

Just today, it comes to light that my wife and I have worries about the weekend.  Negative thoughts have crept into our heads.  And these worries range from I'm Worried That People Are Going To Make Too Much Noise, to I'm Worried That We Won't Want To Have Sex, to I'm Worried There Will Be Slugs.

What's up with that??

I've noticed Worry has increased its presence in my life.  I don't feel like I used to worry about much.  Although, I honestly don't have a solid memory of much before I was married, so I might have worried more then or not at all.  I don't feel like I worried more, but I might have.  I'm not sure how much I trust myself anymore.  Whatever the case about my past, I've got Worry in my life now.  And it's stupid. 

What the fuck am I worried about?

I'm worried I'm going to get divorced.
Why?
Cuz.
Cuz why?
Cuz I'm ugly and stupid and smelly and fat and poor and stupid and smelly and depressed and poor and fat and bald and snore and sweaty and smelly and poor and stupid and don't do anything and can't fix anything and my car doesn't have airconditioningandmytoesaredumbandeverything
OKAY!

I'm worried that my wife is going to die.
Why?
Cuz everybody dies.

I'm worried that my kid isn't going to be able to take care of himself.
Why?
Cuz he's not right now and has no apparent ambition to in the future.

I'm worried that I'm going to get really sick and die.
Why?
Cuz there's nothing I can do about it.

Maybe that's what's up with me.
"There's nothing I can do about it."
That feels really, really important.
"There's nothing I can do about it."

There's nothing I can do about my wife divorcing me.
If she's gonna divorce me, she's gonna divorce me.
I hope she tells me about it beforehand, but I don't really have control over that.
I hope she talks with me about it beforehand, but I don't really have control over that.
I don't have control over being smelly (I clean myself and use deodorant and can keep the smell at bay for a while, but it returns eventually like normal smells do), or fat (I've been working out pretty regularly for a while now-- pretty sure it's been over a month-- and while I've lost 15 pounds, my clothes which once didn't fit me well fit even less well than they did before I started working out and that has been an enormous blow to my resolve to continue working out), or poor (I've got the best paying job I can find right now, and it still doesn't allow us to live in a way that I feel comfortable eating breakfast or lunch at work, and dinner is often relegated to what is cheap, and I cannot seem to progress up the ladder to a better paying job that might allow for more financial breathing room),  stupid (I can't figure out how to stop any of the things I'm worrying about, and I can't seem to stop worrying), and all the rest in that list.
I just don't have control.
And I think my mind has decided that it MUST DO SOMETHING.  There are things that are wrong and something must be done, and since there isn't anything I can *actually* do, I must worry.
And then that worry makes shit shittier.

My kid is going to succeed or fail.  The End.
And I can do my best, but I don't have control over it.
And my refrigerator is going to work or not.
And if it doesn't, I don't have enough money to get a new refrigerator.
And my Internet router is going to work or not.
And if it doesn't work, I don't have the money to get a new router.
And my marriage is going to work or not.
And if it doesn't, I will be really, really hurt.
It hurts just thinking about it now.

Shit's gonna break.
Things aren't going to work.
Life is gonna suck.
Sometimes.

When did I get focused on that, rather than what was working?

Because, as of right now, my router works.
And my refrigerator works.
And my marriage works.
And my kid is being background checked for a job.
And my wife got a raise and is working more hours than she used to.
And she's been given more opportunities at her job.
And I'm able to work overtime at my job.

Yeah, there's some shit that sucks.
But there's some shit that doesn't.

Why is it hard for me to focus on the non-suck shit?

My mom used to play a game with me.
Name One Thing.
I would get down, and she would say, "Name one thing that's good."
And as a kid, that would frustrate the hell outta me, because in the middle of my feeling shitty it was hard, sometimes impossible, for me to think of one good thing. 
And she would let me struggle with it a little.  And sometimes she would suggest things for me.  And sometimes her suggestions didn't actually feel good to me, and she would tell me to come up with something good.  And I struggled, but usually I was able to name one good thing.  Then she would prompt me to name one more.  And I would struggle with that, and typically I could come up with one other.  And she would prompt me for another.  At which point I got pissed that my first two weren't good enough for her and I completely lost any good feelings from the two good things I thought of prior to being prompted for more.  Maybe my mom's game wasn't as good as I remember.  Nah, it was a good game.  Cuz yeah, sometimes I got pissed that I could only think of one good thing in the face of my mother pushing me to think of more.  That sucks when you can only think of one good thing!  Especially when somebody like your mom wants you to do more, do better, and you can't!  But sometimes I could.  And sometimes it made me feel better.  Usually what felt the best was when my mom would stop making me work to think of good things and hugged me.  That hug signaled the end of me struggling to think of good things.  Sheesh, when you're feeling down, sometimes the hardest thing to do is see anything good.  And maybe that's not the case for you, but it is for me.  That shit was tough.

What was I saying?  I got lost thinking about how hard it was sometimes to think of good stuff.

Oh yeah, I worry a lot sometimes.
I wish I would stop.

Hey, there is something I can do about worrying.
I can stop.
Maybe.
Maybe not.

Hmmmm... this is proving to be as hard as thinking of something good. 
Maybe I'm not able to stop worrying now.
Maybe I am.

You know what, rather than trying to stop worrying, I'm going to take a different approach.
I'm going to try to relax about it all.
Worry.
No Worry.
Divorce, kid, smelly.  Whatever.
It's gonna be what it's gonna be.
And I may worry about it.
And if I do worry, that's okay.
And if I don't worry, that's okay, too.
And whatever the case...
I'm going to breathe...
And try...
To...
Relax...

Chillax...

To the max.

Good Fantasy

My realistic fantasies of Portland are that it will be different from here.  It will be a change.  It will not be what I have become accustomed to.  The weather will be different.  The scenery will be different.  There will be new places and new experiences.  There will be more public transportation.  There will be more nudity, as there is a nude bike ride every year.  There will be more beer, as Portland has the most microbreweries of any major US city.  There will be more professional sports games, as they have more professional sports teams than I am accustomed to here.  There will be more liberal-minded individuals, as Portland is one of the most liberal cities in the nation.  There will be more legal suicides there, because it's the only city in the nation that has legal suicides (which was what attracted me to the state in the first place). 

I can't say for certain if it's gonna be more fun.  It might suck.  I can't say if it's gonna be nicer.  Cuz it might suck.  I can't say if I could legally smoke pot there, because now you can't (I don't think... it's hard to tell with that because it's still illegal on the federal level, but it's been "decriminalized" on states levels... I dunno... it's legal in Washington, but not if your the Feds... it's weird...).  I just don't know about a lot.  It is certainly more expensive to live there, which is going to be the case almost anywhere we go, because we're living in one of the cheapest places to live in the nation.  And that, honestly, is one of the few attractive features about where I live now.  However, living in a cheap place and being surrounded by what we're surrounded with is like being given a free steak dinner every night while swimming in a septic tank.  Sure, you get free steak every night.  And even while you're eating steak, you're swimming in shit.

There are too many things that I don't know about Portland, and I don't think it will be possible to learn about Portland until we move there.  I visited New York before moving there, and it wasn't anything like visiting.  I didn't visit Detroit before moving there, and it was fine.  I certainly enjoyed living in Detroit more than I enjoyed living in New York.  And Portland is different from both of those and will have similarities and differences.  I moved to New York without a job and struggled.  I moved to Detroit with a job and didn't struggle as much (although I still struggled).  I would like to move to Portland with a job in the hopes that it will reduce my struggle.

All of that is to say I've thought about it, I've done the research I know how to do without going to the city, and I'm about as ready as I can be to move there knowing that my move there is about 5 years away.  So I'm not living in a fantasy world.  I know what I'm doing as much as anybody ever does.  And things could suck.  And if they do, I'll change.

However...

I would prefer to think of Portland like I do when I fantasize about it.  It's nicer that way.  Makes me smile.  In my fantasy of Portland, people are kind and they don't gossip.  They're loyal and friendly and open and free from judgment.  They are exciting and adventurous and honest.  They don't judge me or my wife or my kids or my mom or step-dad or any friends I have now or have there.  They are understanding.  They are accommodating and helpful.  They are good people.  They try to be as well-rounded as they can be, gathering as much information as they can before making up their minds.  And they're open to changes.  They don't allow one noisy person to influence them blindly, like a preacher or Rush Limbaugh (who the fuck names their kid "Rush" anyway?!).  They aren't fanatics about anything.  They are fans of a lot of things.  **Time out-- a Star Wars fan knows a lot about the movies, books, comics, action figures, the next movies, etc.  A Star Wars fanatic will judge you if don't convert to Jediism and constantly ridicule you if your midiclorian count is too low.  Fans are okay.  Fanatics suck ass.  Time in.**  Despite the higher cost of living, it's not as difficult to live as one would imagine.  Relaxation is possible and occurs often.  I like my job.  Fuck, I love my job.  I have a comfortable home for me and my wife, who is also comfortable and happy.  My eldest lives close by, and he is comfortable and happy.  My mother and step-father live close by, and they are amazed at how comfortable and happy they are, too.  They were skeptical, but have quickly become converts.  Weekly I meet them for beers or trivia, or just dinner.  Sometimes we do something special.  Birthdays are fun, because friends come over.  That goes for everybody's birthday.  My kid has friends come over special for his birthday, and my wife's friends drop by when they want to celebrate her, and they do it comfortably and in a way that doesn't embarrass her and makes her feel good.  She doesn't feel like she's gotta vacuum the couch before she can be seen by people, because she's comfortable with who she is, vacuumed couch or no vacuumed couch.  She knows she's accepted and loved.  My mom and step-father have a good, loyal group of people who hang out with them and make them feel as special as they are.  They go places with these friends, and randomly stop in and see me, my wife, my kids, just because they're in the neighborhood.  My youngest moves to the area to go to college at a university known for it's ties with Nike (who supports their football team) so that his father will pay for it while completely leaving out the fact that his mother and I are moving there, and once he's there he completely forgets about his father and his father dies in a fire over and over and over again, every day, no matter who pees all over him and in his open mouth screaming for relief but none ever comes and he's entirely abandoned by everyone on the planet and every day he is set ablaze anew and is completely consumed with pain and torture and horse piss that doesn't put out the fire and continues to blanket his meaningless existence with pain and torture and horse piss as he continues to be the poster child for partial-birth abortions.  And Portland forgives me when I get that way, because they know I'm still hurting about it, and they would like to see me without so much pain, but they know I must do that alone and they can't really do much except sit next to me while I cry in between the high school lockers.  And they sit while I cry.  And they're there when I stop crying.  And they hug me and give me a beer and tell me it's gonna be okay and they're not going anywhere.  And they mean it.  And they don't go anywhere.  And they don't persecute me for my beliefs, and they don't persecute my family for theirs.  And the air is fresh and clean.  And when we get there, pot will be legal and cheap and great.  And the amount of relaxation I will experience will be unrivaled even by Jell-O.  **Time out-- the band Green Jell-O had to change their name because the Jell-O corporation said they didn't have permission to use the name Jell-O.  Same thing happened with Chicago Transit Authority, except that wasn't a corporation, obviously.  Same thing happened with Mozart Southwestern Bell.  Time in.**  And my wife and I will snuggle, often and freely, in a comfortable swing, or sofa, or bed, or something.  And we'll cry a lot because we're so happy.  And then we stop crying and we just snuggle.

Yeah, that's where I like living. 

Random Thoughts (a little miffed)

In every religion I can think of, the central figure is usually something/somebody of enormous power.  Yet it needs those it creates for some reason, usually praise and worship.  That's dumb.  Why would a god need that which it creates to fawn on it?  Think about it.  You draw something on a sheet of paper.  And, just like you planned, it comes to life and starts saying things to you like, "you're awesome."  Do you NEED that praise or prayer?  It might be nice to hear, but it's not like the drawing is telling you something you don't already know.  I'm pretty sure that whole Pray To Me and Love Me and Believe In Me thing is a construct of the folks in power who wanted to use religion as a means to control those who would let themselves be easily lead.  Or not so easily led.  It's hard to tell people today that you don't believe in their god-- or any god, for that matter-- for fear of retributions, some of which might involve death.  It's always been tough to think for yourself, I would imagine.

Also, gods typically separate themselves from those they create.  Mt. Olympus and heaven and the like are all away from the regular humans.  Gods up, humans down.  That, too, is stupid.  If you created a drawing, and it came to life (again, as you planned), would you go back to your room where you're just gonna masturbate and watch Netflix, or would you rather hang out with your drawings and be god-like to them? 

If I only get psychokinetic powers only in one room of my house, that is the room I'm gonna hang out in most of the time.

Gods of the underworld or demons or whatever are always placed in really crappy places.  Those gods don't scare me, cuz they can't even get themselves out of crappy places.  It's like a guy trying to get out of a bad neighborhood but just can't seem to save up enough money to get his U-Haul truck.  Not scary.

And all gods are, despite their extraordinary powers and abilities, ALWAYS bested by man. 

And you want me to blindly devote my life to a being that needs me to praise it, needs me not to put my penis certain places otherwise I destroy heaven (thank you, Mormons, for that one), and can be beaten by me and my buddies? 

Um... no.

I'm going to create a new way of thinking about these myths.

Gods win.  Period.
They don't need people.  They don't really care about people.  And they always win.
If a human goes up against a god, he dies.  Period.
Gods live with people.  And people don't know they're gods until the god decides to let the people in on it.
Gods might actually have been people at one point, until they learned to think for themselves and not blindly follow what others told them.  Like stories of false gods.
Gods don't like the name "god" when it's used as a form of praise.  Because gods don't give a shit about your silly little praise.
Gods don't die, but they do retire.  Like Norse and Greek gods.  They're not really first-string gods right now, but they're chillin' in the bar, watching these other gods, seeing what's gonna happen.

Shit's dumb, yo. 
Especially the dumb shit we come up with.

Laws are dumb.  Laws are dumb because they have no power other than what somebody else gives to them.  You can follow a law or not, but if you do it's because you agreed to follow the law.  So the law has no power, only the person who follows or doesn't follow the law. 

In our current society, we have collectively decided that there are people who won't follow the rules (or laws) of our society.  That's why we have cops.  And once we hired those people to make sure that there are rule enforcers, we gave them the power to not abide by those rules.  Police run red lights, speed, and carry weapons into areas where weapons aren't allowed.  Police routinely do not follow the rules in the execution of their duties as police.  And we, as a society, are okay with that.  We are also okay with elevating these people above certain laws while paying these people wages that aren't much above what fast food workers make. 

Our system is fucked.
And we did it.
We're so stupid.

Marijuana Will Make You Psychotic and Kill You

I'm trying to get medical records from a marijuana dispensary in Arizona, where medical marijuana is legal.  I'm doing this for my job, which happens to be in a state where medical marijuana is not legal.  I'm told that I cannot request records from the place in Arizona because we don't request records from "these types of vendors". 

Which pisses me off.  One of the things I was trained in when taking this job was how to help people in other states, where laws differ from the laws of our state.  Being told "no" based on ignorance is very frustrating.

So I go off, looking for... I dunno... marijuana information.  And I come across a forum about how long THC (the active drug found in most marijuana) stays in your system.  It's a forum of Internet users, and their expertise needs not be any deeper than they navigated to the page and started typing.  In other words, they, too, are ignorant.

However, I'm fascinated with communication and how we communicate to each other.  This forum provided some anger/entertainment for me, and I wanted to share it.

Here's the address for the forum:
http://www.drugs.com/answers/how-long-does-marijuana-stay-in-system-53067.html

Here's the original question asked in the forum:
aquanaut

How long does Marijuana stay in your system?

Posted:

30 Jul 2009 by aquanaut

Topics:

cannabis, drug test, marijuana

Details:

How long do you need to wait before you are clear to take a drug test?

There were several answers from people who don't know.  Some sound better than others.  Some people claim to have firsthand knowledge.  Some say that it's based on the way your specific body interacts with that drug, as well as your metabolism rate and other factors specific to you as an individual (I tend to believe these answers more than any others).  But this was an answer that stuck out to me, as posted by "Anonymous":

hi there I´m 41 years old i have been clean for 8 years now, and was addicted to almost every durg out there ... started with the occasional joint, the problem is not how long it stays in your system, the problem is that in time you are killing brain cells( becoming a walking zombie), and the worse is the mental dependency ( first twice a week ... then believe me everyday and more than one joint... tolerance) and the worst is that it opens the doors for more hardcore drugs. I wasted 20 years of my life 2 wives my children ... MY DIGNITY.
My advice to you as you seem young is to stop now, while you have time and stop worrying about how long TCH (is what gets you high) stays in your system.

Votes:+5

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There was a response to this post:

 

Shuey001518 Apr 2011

There is no proof that it kills your brain cells. Scientist experimented with monkeys by putting a gas mask over their whole face and pumped 30 joints a day, but the weed didnt kill their brain cells the gas mask suffocated them causing no oxygen to get to the brain (i found this info in the movie "The Union: Business Behind Getting High.") Great marijuana documentary and will change your beliefs about marijuana.

So here's my first beef: the initial question was, essentially, "How long does THC stay in your body?"  And Anonymous answered that question with, "Don't do drugs."  Actually, the answer Anonymous gave was "Don't do DURGS," but that's really just me being a little bitch about the typo in Anonymous' response.  This answer isn't helpful, in any way.  The question asked might insinuate somebody is using drugs, especially when paired with the question about taking a drug test, but nobody has admitted to using drugs or stated that somebody is using drugs.  So telling somebody to not do drugs is pointless for this question.  Secondly, Anonymous goes on to state that he became a walking zombie, lost two wives, his children, and his dignity.  This has nothing to do with the question being asked and simply lets us know how completely fucked up Anonymous is.  Also, Anonymous says "you seem young".  This indicates that Anonymous is an idiot, as there is not even the slightest indication as to how old the asker of the question is based on the question.  Anonymous, therefore, has proven himself to be a person not to be listened to or given access to a computer with Internet.  Also, the argument of marijuana leading to other drugs is absolutely ridiculous, as this puts blame on marijuana for the sins of other drugs.  It's like blaming steak for obesity, or Hitler's parents for the actions of Hitler.  "They came first, so they're the gateway dictator!  Don't be their child!"  Asinine.

The response from Shuey0015 is interesting, as well.  Shuey0015 first asserts, without citation, that there is no proof that THC kills brain cells.

So I went searching.

I found, according to one source, that THC causes more cancer than five regular cigarettes smoked one right after the other.  I found this to be, at face value, entirely inaccurate.  Cigarette papers from all major cigarette manufacturers contain ammonia and gunpowder in them, and those two ingredients alone make this assertion ridiculous.  This website also goes on to say that marijuana has 50-70% more cancer causing agents than cigarettes, causes rapid heartbeat, psychosis, disorientation, depression, anxiety, changes in the brain and semen.  However, this information comes from the following website:
http://www.drugfreeworld.org/drugfacts/marijuana/the-harmful-effects.html
With a name like "Drug Free World", I can see how their website might be askewed.  It saddens me, though, knowing that I have navigated to this page, so others can navigate there as well and potentially believe what they read there.  By the way, there are no citations on any of the claims made on this website.  No journals, doctors, specialists, addicts, junkies, hustlers, peddlers, fry cooks, ampidextrians, benches, free radicals, or politicians were noted to give any information on this page.  It might as well be a work of fiction.

So I went searching more.

This site seemed a little more reputable than my first site...
http://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugfacts/marijuana
...only because it's got a ".gov" suffix.  But in all honesty, when has the government really been concerned with honesty?  As I read through this site, I also noted a lack of citations, even though they made some claims completely opposite of those made on the first site, like marijuana smoke had not yet been determined to have a link with lung cancer.  They also state this:

"Although the federal government considers marijuana a Schedule I substance (having no medicinal uses and high risk for abuse), two states have legalized marijuana for adult recreational use, and 21 states have passed laws allowing its use as a treatment for certain medical conditions (see “Is Marijuana Medicine?”, below)."

While they say that marijuana affects the brain, there is no indication that marijuana kills brain cells.  At the very bottom of the page, there is a link to find out more about NIDA's marijuana research.  If you click that link (I'll include it here...)
http://www.drugabuse.gov/drugs-abuse/marijuana/marijuana-research-nida
you find that the second question asked is about the benefits of marijuana.  To which the site responds yes, there are therapeutic benefits to marijuana:

"Research suggests that THC and/or other cannabinoids (chemicals that act on the same receptors as THC in the brain and body) may have potential in the treatment of pain, nausea, obesity, wasting disease, addiction, autoimmune disorders, and other conditions. NIDA has provided and continues to provide funding for research related to therapeutic uses of cannabinoids, as it pertains to its mission, including studies on the use of THC and cannabidiol, another chemical constituent of marijuana, for the treatment of pain (as an alternative to opioid pain relievers), addiction, and other disorders. For example, one currently ongoing study is examining the antipsychotic effects of cannabidiol which may lead to new treatment options for people with schizophrenia. View the list of current NIDA-funded projects related to the therapeutic benefits of cannabis or cannabinoids. ...A few medications derived from THC, however, are now FDA approved for relieving nausea associated with cancer chemotherapy and stimulating appetite in patients with wasting syndrome that often accompanies AIDS."

This quote is weird, because I had just read (just one page earlier!) that marijuana was considered to have no medicinal uses and high risk for abuse according to the federal government, research suggests otherwise.  Weird, huh?  But is it going to kill my brain??!!

I went searching more.

http://healthpsych.psy.vanderbilt.edu/2009/MarijuanaBrain.htm
Ah, finally an education website!  Except this seems to be a paper written by somebody who (to me) seems to be pretty pro-marijuana, so this paper is probably going to be in favor of marijuana and downplay any negatives.  However, there are citations.  There's a big section about how marijuana affects the brain in terms of damaging brain cells!  And it says that marijuana does damage brain cells!  In doses up to 200x the psychoactive dose in humans.  Huh.  So, essentially, somebody would have to smoke dope until they were high, and then smoke 200 times more than that to damage their brain cells.  This paper also states that MRI of the brain can't detect a difference between those who smoke marijuana and those who do.  MRI has shown alcohol shrinks the brain (http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/aa63/aa63.htm), but MRI can't see a difference between a brain that has smoked marijuana and a brain that hasn't.

I went searching more.

http://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/marijuana-facts-teens/want-to-know-more-some-faqs-about-marijuana
Back to the government websites, as well as the original question of how long marijuana stays in your system.  It says that standard urine tests can detect traces of THC several days after use, and if you're a heavy user (it doesn't define "heavy user"-- one joint a day, or one joint every 15 minutes?) a urine test can detect THC in your system for weeks after you stop using.

So there's no clear answer, really.
Except that there is a lot of misinformation on the Internet.  You gotta be careful where you look and who you listen to (didn't use "whom" and ended with a preposition-- I'm on a roll!!).

But going back to Anonymous, this cat really bites my grapes.  Telling me that he ruined his life by smoking a couple of joints when he was a kid.  Fuck you, Anonymous.  I'm sorry that you smoked a few joints and jumped right in to dealing meth outta your bunghole, but that's atypical, and just as I would caution anyone from planning on becoming an NBA professional by going to University of North Carolina and majoring in cultural geography because it's atypical, I would caution anyone from being fearful of becoming addicted to every drug on the planet simply because you did.  Your experience is atypical, and it's a form of fear mongering to go around telling people to stop smoking weed (when they may not have even started) because it's going to do things that it doesn't do and have affects that it doesn't have and lead to things that it doesn't lead to.  There is no direct cause-and-effect between smoking joints and doing any other drug.  George W. Bush said that his response to the attacks of 9-11 were successful because there hadn't been any more terrorist attacks since starting the war in Iraq.  While this statement is true, it's also true that there have been no terrorist attacks since I masturbated this morning.  There is no cause-and-effect behind my statement, behind Bush's statement, or behind your statement, Anonymous. 

**Time out-- I never used to have any difficulties with "affect" and "effect" until my wife went on a huge rant about how it's one of her pet peeves when people use these two words incorrectly, and now I have no idea which word I should use, because either word could end my marriage.  Time in.**

What was I saying?  Oh yeah.  Personally, I think everybody should use drugs if they need to, and they shouldn't use drugs if they don't need to.  Also, if you think drugs might be fun, maybe you should try them in a safe way, unless you think you'll get addicted or hurt somehow, and then it's probably not worth the risk.  But you should really know yourself better than me or anybody else, for that matter, and you are going to make the best decisions for yourself.  And if you don't, hopefully you'll learn from those mistakes and make better decisions for yourself in the future.  I'm also a big fan of sushi.  It's delicious.