Worry Is Stupid

I'm pretty much done with this Worry shit.

What is Worry, anyhow??  And why the hell is so much of my life taken up with it??

My wife and I are about to "go away" for the weekend together.  It was an amazing gift from my mom, and something we've wanted for a really, really long time.

Just today, it comes to light that my wife and I have worries about the weekend.  Negative thoughts have crept into our heads.  And these worries range from I'm Worried That People Are Going To Make Too Much Noise, to I'm Worried That We Won't Want To Have Sex, to I'm Worried There Will Be Slugs.

What's up with that??

I've noticed Worry has increased its presence in my life.  I don't feel like I used to worry about much.  Although, I honestly don't have a solid memory of much before I was married, so I might have worried more then or not at all.  I don't feel like I worried more, but I might have.  I'm not sure how much I trust myself anymore.  Whatever the case about my past, I've got Worry in my life now.  And it's stupid. 

What the fuck am I worried about?

I'm worried I'm going to get divorced.
Why?
Cuz.
Cuz why?
Cuz I'm ugly and stupid and smelly and fat and poor and stupid and smelly and depressed and poor and fat and bald and snore and sweaty and smelly and poor and stupid and don't do anything and can't fix anything and my car doesn't have airconditioningandmytoesaredumbandeverything
OKAY!

I'm worried that my wife is going to die.
Why?
Cuz everybody dies.

I'm worried that my kid isn't going to be able to take care of himself.
Why?
Cuz he's not right now and has no apparent ambition to in the future.

I'm worried that I'm going to get really sick and die.
Why?
Cuz there's nothing I can do about it.

Maybe that's what's up with me.
"There's nothing I can do about it."
That feels really, really important.
"There's nothing I can do about it."

There's nothing I can do about my wife divorcing me.
If she's gonna divorce me, she's gonna divorce me.
I hope she tells me about it beforehand, but I don't really have control over that.
I hope she talks with me about it beforehand, but I don't really have control over that.
I don't have control over being smelly (I clean myself and use deodorant and can keep the smell at bay for a while, but it returns eventually like normal smells do), or fat (I've been working out pretty regularly for a while now-- pretty sure it's been over a month-- and while I've lost 15 pounds, my clothes which once didn't fit me well fit even less well than they did before I started working out and that has been an enormous blow to my resolve to continue working out), or poor (I've got the best paying job I can find right now, and it still doesn't allow us to live in a way that I feel comfortable eating breakfast or lunch at work, and dinner is often relegated to what is cheap, and I cannot seem to progress up the ladder to a better paying job that might allow for more financial breathing room),  stupid (I can't figure out how to stop any of the things I'm worrying about, and I can't seem to stop worrying), and all the rest in that list.
I just don't have control.
And I think my mind has decided that it MUST DO SOMETHING.  There are things that are wrong and something must be done, and since there isn't anything I can *actually* do, I must worry.
And then that worry makes shit shittier.

My kid is going to succeed or fail.  The End.
And I can do my best, but I don't have control over it.
And my refrigerator is going to work or not.
And if it doesn't, I don't have enough money to get a new refrigerator.
And my Internet router is going to work or not.
And if it doesn't work, I don't have the money to get a new router.
And my marriage is going to work or not.
And if it doesn't, I will be really, really hurt.
It hurts just thinking about it now.

Shit's gonna break.
Things aren't going to work.
Life is gonna suck.
Sometimes.

When did I get focused on that, rather than what was working?

Because, as of right now, my router works.
And my refrigerator works.
And my marriage works.
And my kid is being background checked for a job.
And my wife got a raise and is working more hours than she used to.
And she's been given more opportunities at her job.
And I'm able to work overtime at my job.

Yeah, there's some shit that sucks.
But there's some shit that doesn't.

Why is it hard for me to focus on the non-suck shit?

My mom used to play a game with me.
Name One Thing.
I would get down, and she would say, "Name one thing that's good."
And as a kid, that would frustrate the hell outta me, because in the middle of my feeling shitty it was hard, sometimes impossible, for me to think of one good thing. 
And she would let me struggle with it a little.  And sometimes she would suggest things for me.  And sometimes her suggestions didn't actually feel good to me, and she would tell me to come up with something good.  And I struggled, but usually I was able to name one good thing.  Then she would prompt me to name one more.  And I would struggle with that, and typically I could come up with one other.  And she would prompt me for another.  At which point I got pissed that my first two weren't good enough for her and I completely lost any good feelings from the two good things I thought of prior to being prompted for more.  Maybe my mom's game wasn't as good as I remember.  Nah, it was a good game.  Cuz yeah, sometimes I got pissed that I could only think of one good thing in the face of my mother pushing me to think of more.  That sucks when you can only think of one good thing!  Especially when somebody like your mom wants you to do more, do better, and you can't!  But sometimes I could.  And sometimes it made me feel better.  Usually what felt the best was when my mom would stop making me work to think of good things and hugged me.  That hug signaled the end of me struggling to think of good things.  Sheesh, when you're feeling down, sometimes the hardest thing to do is see anything good.  And maybe that's not the case for you, but it is for me.  That shit was tough.

What was I saying?  I got lost thinking about how hard it was sometimes to think of good stuff.

Oh yeah, I worry a lot sometimes.
I wish I would stop.

Hey, there is something I can do about worrying.
I can stop.
Maybe.
Maybe not.

Hmmmm... this is proving to be as hard as thinking of something good. 
Maybe I'm not able to stop worrying now.
Maybe I am.

You know what, rather than trying to stop worrying, I'm going to take a different approach.
I'm going to try to relax about it all.
Worry.
No Worry.
Divorce, kid, smelly.  Whatever.
It's gonna be what it's gonna be.
And I may worry about it.
And if I do worry, that's okay.
And if I don't worry, that's okay, too.
And whatever the case...
I'm going to breathe...
And try...
To...
Relax...

Chillax...

To the max.