Wife Kisses

I don't have a release for my anger right now.
I used to do the "happy corner" with my band.  I used to scream and rail and get it all out.  Public emo-vomit. 
I think that was my release.  I did that once a week.
Maybe I didn't need a release then. 
But now, I have been beaten, repeatedly, by the mediocrity of humanity.
I have been beaten by how dumb, insensitive, morally bankrupt people are.
I have been soothed by few, and repeatedly beaten by most.
I can't seem to rest enough to heal from the beatings.
And so I keep compounding my hurt.

I don't know what it is that I want.
I don't think I want to perform.
But that may just be because I'm so terribly dissatisfied with people in my state.  I'm convinced they won't understand, or that they are too stupid or ignorant to know that it's not okay to be a racist. 
Maybe I'm just scared that I wasn't really what I thought I was.
I'm not very eager to analyze it.  But I don't think I want to perform.
I sing wrong notes.  I don't sing with confidence anymore.

When I think about what I want to do, I think of filmed sketch comedy. 
Something short.  Minimal cast to screw things up with schedules that conflict.
No audience to throw in racist or stupid suggestions. 
Control over where I show it, which kinda allows control over the people I show it to.  Control over the edit.  Control over the filming. 
More seclusion.  More control over who can and cannot voice their negative opinions.

I want my 18-year-old to feel celebrated.  I don't really know how to do that well.
He wants to shoot guns.  I really don't believe in guns... even though I had fun shooting guns when I was younger.
He wants to smoke cigars.  I really don't want him to smoke.  I was a smoker.  My mother worried about me smoking.  I worry about him smoking.
I used to fantasize about getting a beer with him someday. 
Now I'm starting to feel protective, like maybe I could drink a beer and he could drink a milk.  With calcium.  And vitamin D.  To stay healthy.  Stupid, huh? 

Why am I feeling like keeping him safe?  And my wife, too?  I just want to protect them both.  Like Marlon in Finding Nemo.  And what's the lesson behind Nemo?  "Go have an adventure!" Marlon shouts to his son as he leaves for school. 

I want my kid and wife to have adventures.
I want them to stay safe, too.
My mother wanted to go para-sailing once.
I was scared she was going to die and it would be my fault.

Jesus, I probably am a prime candidate for psychotropic medications.
Maybe a little therapy where a professional can help me to fucking relax a little.

I am resistant to letting my roots grow where I am, because I'm fairly certain that, within the next 6 or so years, I'm going to want to move.  Far, far away.  Forever.
There has been so much hurt here.
And I'm just coming to it on the back end.
My wife and kids have been living it for 18 years.

My mother used to get frustrated with me when she would ask me what I wanted for Christmas or birthdays, and I would say "a movie contract".  My wife gets frustrated with me when she asks what I want for birthdays or Christmas and I say something like, "a job I don't hate".  I know they're not frustrated at my answer, they're frustrated because they want to get me what I want, and that isn't something they can give.  Nobody can.  I gotta go out and get it myself.

I recently sent out an email.  The subject was "German Shepherd/Lab puppy".  I got a response today.  "I've looked at so many dogs recently, I have forgotten what breed(s) your dog is??"  I wanted to punch that person in her punch hole.  Really hard. 

Someday, somebody's gonna punch me in my punch hole, and I'm not gonna know why, and I'm gonna look around and I won't see my little piece of idiocy that caused me to get punched by the puncher at the end of his wits.

I'm not keen on being at the end of my wits.




Here's what I like:
my wife has lovely, soft lips and kisses really, really, really good.
Really good kisses.

Maybe that's all I like right now.
But that's pretty good.
Honestly.
Just thinking about wife kisses right now kinda makes everything drip and melt away.
That's kinda nice.
That hasn't happened in a while.
Cool.
Wife kisses are medicinal.

I also like the Mexican style lasagna we ate last night.
I like wife kisses much, much, much, much more.
Nerver.

Yeah.
Wife kisses.
That thought might actually get me through my day today.
Thank you, wife, for having wife kisses that rock.
Mmmmmm.
Wife kisses.