My mother and step-father got to visit us yesterday for a Father's Day celebration. It was nice. And most of the time I was trying to keep my feelings about this latest horror in check, trying to be a good son, husband, party host, cook. I was trying to hold down my hulk that wants to escape and smash everything.
After my folks left, my wife caught me up to speed with the latest developments that had taken place earlier that day.
Our attorney said that he had received a letter from the ex's attorney, saying that mom had denied food to our youngest. The denial of food was a punishment to our youngest for going against the schedule that was dictated by father. Opposing attorney threatened that he was obligated to call the child welfare services if he suspected child abuse, and withholding food was child abuse. He further explained that the previous signed agreement between ex-husband and my wife stated that if our youngest was going to miss any of his scheduled activities, it would have to be because of agreement by both parties, and that the ex was now stating that he would not agree to our youngest missing anything, making it mandatory that our youngest would need to attend all activities because an agreement about missing these activities would never be made. Our youngest currently does private workouts with his father instead of working out with the rest of his team in official team workouts. This was dictated by the father. The ex has stated that these workouts are part of our youngest's after-school programs that he is involved in, as he need to workout for football. Which means that the private, father-and-son workouts are considered a school program, according to the father and his attorney. The previous agreement stated that our youngest could attend any school program he decided on, and if we had to go back to court, the party who instigated the law suit needed to prove that our youngest had been prevented from going to these school events, otherwise they would have to pay the full amount of the court and attorney fees. And since there was no previous agreement (because ex won't agree) for our youngest to miss the school event (as defined by ex and his attorney), court and attorney fees, obviously, would be entirely the responsibility of my wife. Private coaching was not specifically named in the agreement, and therefore was not put into writing as not being a "school event", although it was understood that this was NOT a school event, but rather a private coaching by our youngest's father which was not considered a school activity. It was also made clear in this letter that any divergence from what the father dictated for our youngest for his time at our home would be considered a violation of the agreement. Last night, our youngest was supposed to go to youth group. He had decided a few days prior that he didn't want to go to youth group because he wanted to celebrate my step-father for father's day. My wife told him that he would have to make sure that was okay with his father. Our youngest had some contact with his father, and we were told everything was okay. However, that doesn't mean that's what will be presented to attorneys or in court. After reading this letter, it is clear that the ex could see this act-- our youngest missing youth group to celebrate father's day-- as a breach of contract and could take us to court for this action. ALL of this is ridiculous, according to our attorney. None of it is provable, and none of it would stand up in court. However, my wife informed our attorney that we would be paying for his services from here out, and we were unable to pay a complete two thousand dollar retainer in entirety all at once. At which point, he told her that it was clear that the other side was going to play dirty, and the two of us "couldn't afford" the extensive legal help we would need to get this thing to trial, which was the only place we would win, and he advised her to let it go. Because there was no way of knowing what our youngest would say to a judge, there was no way of determining how likely we would be at winning a case, and we didn't have the funds to continue. My wife said she "felt fired" by our attorney, like he had just let us both go because we were poor. She was mad at because she understood that the attorney couldn't be expected to work for free (why not?!, I thought), but he was unwilling to even talk about a payment plan or a way to work with our limited budget. And all of this AFTER admitting that none of the charges against my wife were real or would stand up in court. My wife was furious, but in a resigned way. "This is how it is, and my anger will only make me feel worse," was what seemed to leak out of her into our bed last night, as I lay there powerless to do anything but hear the story about how my wife and kids were, again, getting fucked by their father and the attorneys who were supposed to be helping, and a truly sadistic and evil man and his evil and sadistic attorney.
After this talk, my wife went to her youngest, and told him that she needed to talk with him and needed him to talk back. She asked if he had said anything to dad that could, in any way, be interpreted as mother denying food to son. He said that he hadn't. She read just the part of the letter to him where his father accused my wife of withholding food. He said that he hadn't ever mentioned food, he said that was a complete lie, and, in fact, said that mom had just allowed him to buy his own groceries earlier that week (a teaching tool she is using to help both our boys understand what is involved in keeping a budget and how much money it takes to buy food and the value of that food). He had always felt taken care of by his mother, and she had never denied him food. Mother asked if he had ever told anyone that she had spanked him for doing what his father had told him to do, and he said no. He said that his previous attorney, the guardian ad litem who had officially withdrawn from our case because she could "no longer help" with the case, had asked him if his mother ever beat him or spanked him while he cried out for her to stop. He had been really confused by this, and told her that his mother had never done any of that. At which point, my wife informed him that his step-mother had legally claimed that my wife had spanked him, and that she had written a huge email about how he had cried and screamed that she didn't understand what horrors went on over at mom's house. Our youngest said that he thought his step-mother was a "bitch", and told several stories about how mean she is to him and his father. One time, he and his father tried to tell her that she was not being nice, and she went into the bedroom, took everything out of the room that belonged to her husband, threw it out in the hallway, and locked the door. She stayed in there for a long time, and eventually came out and acted as if nothing was wrong. My wife asked, if things were so crazy over there, WHY had he decided to spend MORE time over there?? Our youngest said that he didn't feel like he had a choice. He was going to be over there, there was nothing he could do to change that, so he really needed to make things as calm as possible, which meant staying there more. He said that he didn't say things sometimes because he would talk about them with mom one time, and then he would talk about them twice more over at his dad's house (because his step-mother would talk with him, also), and he was TIRED of talking about it all, he just wanted to forget the whole thing. He told his mother that he didn't say things sometimes because he didn't have words, and he would rather say nothing than say the wrong thing. My wife told him that it was okay to say the wrong thing, and together they could find the right words. So our youngest said that he wanted to talk with a judge so that his words didn't get turned around. He wanted to live with mom and dad, but every time he said something, his words got turned into something he didn't say, and he didn't feel like he had any power to change that. He also said he just wanted to fighting to be over. That was the part he hated the most. And he hated it when his father was mean to his mother. And he said that his father was "really mean" to his mother in front of the gym the other day. Mother reminded him that he had said he was mad at her on the way home and was wondering if he had words for her as to why he was mad at her. He clarified and said that he wasn't mad at her, just that he was mad at the whole situation that never seemed to end, and he always hated seeing his father being mean to his mother. He said that he really wanted to speak to a judge. He felt like he could clear things up if only he could speak to a judge. My wife said that she didn't know if that were possible, but she would ask about it. When my wife finished, I told her that I thought it was a good sign that our youngest was talking to her. Previously, he just wouldn't say anything. And while she said that she felt like he was being sincere and felt like he was telling her the truth, there was something unspoken. He had not behaved in a trustworthy manner in the past. He very rarely stuck to his word. Because of his actions in the past, it had become very difficult to trust what he said in any situation. And as much as she wanted to trust him and feel like he was sincere, there was a part of her that simply couldn't do that because of his past actions. And even if she could write it off as our lawyer had done so often in the past with "he's 13, and 13-year-olds lie all the time, especially to get out of being in trouble" so that, somehow, it's less of a slam on his character or moral fortitude, and more a characteristic he will grow out of when he matures... ... ... the middle part remains exactly the same: 13-year-olds lie all the time.
So now, we must do whatever the ex dictates. Our youngest will not speak up, because he only wants the fighting to end, and speaking up makes the fighting last longer, especially when he's not allowed to correctly represent himself. And even still, when all of his time is consumed with whatever his father plans for him and we don't get to see him at all during our weeks with him, that doesn't mean that his father won't sue us for something we didn't do, and win, simply because we can't afford to go to court. And we may get visited by child services, (which I'm not too afraid of, seeing as my father taped the hands and feet of his youngest son, keeps a filthy home, and is physically unfit to take care of a turd in a toilet, yet still has custody over his two minor children) which is yet another stressor in our already extremely stressful lives.
In the event that you were wondering, yes, if we went to court, chances are-- as long as we don't settle-- that the judge would rule in our favor and the ex would be forced to pay all court and lawyer fees, per our last agreement. However, WE would need to pay to get there, WE would pay all our attorney fees prior to court, and then, after winning, we would be reimbursed by him IF he decides to pay. So we would need the money up front.
And I didn't win the Powerball lottery last night for $257 million. I really, really, really, really, really, really, really wanted that to happen last night. Most of almost everything.
Okay, now is the time for me to win the jackpot lottery. Or discover my hidden super powers. Now is the time for extraordinary to happen. Now. Right now.
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