Buy Pants

My bride ordered pants for me yesterday. I didn't ask her to do that. She just did it. Probably because she knew I needed new pants and it would be really hard for me or us to find the time to find pants that fit and I enjoy in a store.

It felt nice to be taken care of like that.

I hope I can Buy Pants for her someday. I try to Buy Pants for her every day. Because I like caring for her. Because I like her.

Keanu Reeves and Jaime Pressly

I think I like Keanu Reeves.
I like a lot of his movies, from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, Parenthood, Point Break, Constantine, Speed, The Devil's Advocate, to The Matrix Trillogy. I'm sure there's more I enjoy.
I like that he deferred his salary so that Al Pacino could be hired for The Devil's Advocate, and Keanu wanted to work with Al.
I like that he deferred his salary so that Gene Hackman could be hired for The Replacements, and Keanu wanted to work with Gene.
I like that he's never been married or divorced and has no kids.
He had a girlfriend, they had a stillborn child, and she died in a solo car crash after "partying". I feel badly for him because of that. And in an odd way, makes me like him more. I don't know why that is.
I look forward to his next piece of work, whatever it might be.

I think I don't like Jaime Pressly, even though I thought I was going to.
I thought she was quietly funny and creepy in Torque.
I thought she was good in I Love You, Man.
I thought My Name Is Earl was stupid, but she was good.
Then I find out she emancipated herself from her parents at 15 so that she could take a modeling job in Japan. And while I find no fault in any of that, I don't particularly like people who aspire to be models, probably because they know and act like they're beautiful, and usually they're right, but I don't like it when you act like you're beautiful. My wife is beautiful, but she acts normal. Aspiring to become a model is the first step towards the road of acting like a model.
She's posed for Playboy twice.
She's been divorced twice.
Neither marriage lasted very long.
Both marriages, in my opinion, look like they were business deals to further her career, rather than marriages based on like or even love.
She had a kid with her first husband.
She got arrested for DUI.
I don't care for that.
But I think it's mostly that I don't like people who act like they're beautiful.
Be beautiful and cool, or be beautiful and a bitch.
But if you're a beautiful bitch, I don't care for you.
You had as much control over being beautiful as I had over being born with an enormous penis, yet you don't see me wagging it in everyone's face. That's because I'm courteous. And cool.

***Please notice: despite including pictures of Keanu Reeves and Jaime Pressly, I STILL haven't included a picture of my enormous penis. Again, because I'm courteous, kind and cool. You're welcome.***

This Morning's Thought

Just gotta make it through 9 more hours.
9 hours and I'm out.
Then I get Wife Time.
It ends soon.
Keep your eye on the light at the end of the tunnel.
4:30 and I'm out.
...maybe 4:20...
...or 4:15...
Commercials... gross...
and better than this...

Lost

This fucking world is driving me crazy.

I'm about ready to jump out of my fucking skin.

I'm so anxious.

I'm so jittery.

I'm so lost.

I'm so inconsequential.

I just feel so speck-like.

Like dirt.

Just flailing.

Ready To Be Done

I'm aching for my wife today.
I'm aching to be out of this office.
I'm aching to not teach my class tonight.
I'm aching to just wrap myself up with a wife-blanket and sleep.
Forever.
And shut my eyes to everything else.
It's super hard to concentrate today.
Just want it to be over today.
Want the week to be over now.
Ready to be done with all of it.
Just wanting some relief.

Happy Monday

Today I'm stuck on rage.
What I call "pearling", I hold on to rage without knowing how to let it go, without being able to stop ruminating on it.
Today it started when I got to work.
I hate this place.
I hate how it's run.
I hate the liars that waste my time, trying to tell me they can't work and so they need a check from the government.
I hate the bosses over me who treat me like an idiot, who yell without reason, who are impolite and rude and mean and bullies.
I hate that I spend so much time here.
I hate feeling like I don't spend enough time with my wife.
I hate feeling like I don't spend enough time to fulfill my needs and wants.
I hate feeling like I can't do what I would like to do to further my performance career.
I hate feeling like I don't have time to submit head shots and resumes to agents who will only take my money to get me some bullshit commercial.
I hate feeling like commercials are better than working here.
I hate feeling like I don't have any pants to wear.
I hate feeling like I don't have any nice clothing to wear.
I hate looking at myself in the mirror.
I hate seeing the dandruff on my shoulders, in my beard, in my hair.
I hate feeling like a diseased, dirty fuck.
I hate feeling like my iTunes needs my attention that I don't have time to give to it.
I hate feeling hungry.
I hate feeling fat and ugly.
I hate wearing the shoes I wear every day that do not require socks or bending over.
I hate the shoes I wear every day.
I hate socks.
I hate my wardrobe.
I hate my job.
I hate the lack of time to change those things.
And "I hate, I hate, I HATE Peter Pan." {Captain Hook from the movie Hook}

And I try to replace:
I love my wife.
I love my kids.
I love my movies.
I love my iPod.
I love my PS3 and Skyrim game.
I love beer.

But it only makes me hate again:
I hate that I'm trying to replace the feelings of hate with things that I like. I hate that I have to do that rather than just feel good about the things and people I have. Fuck this shit.

Happy Monday!

Daydreaming

I'm so into my wife.
She's so cute and smart and funny and sexy and she is just the best.
And I find myself fantasizing about her today.
What's she up to? Where is she? I'll be she's smiling. What a gorgeous smile.
I was into my wife when I first saw her when we were 14 years old. The only thing that's changed since that time is that I am more into her now.
...and we do married stuff!

I'll bet she's smiling right now. That makes me warm and smiley.

Trains Of Thought

My iPod plays the Meow Mix commercial, where the announcer says that the cat food has three flavors which cats like best: tuna, liver and chicken.

I think: How the fuck do you know what flavors cats like best??

I respond to myself: Well, you put down plates of tuna, liver, chicken, potatoes, sauerkraut, skunk, old Ralph Waldo Emerson notes, pantie liners, sweat and haircuts, and the cat goes to the ones he likes best. Easy way to tell what somebody or something likes: watch what they choose to do.

Watch what they choose to do...

My eleven-year-old says he wants a Mohawk haircut. He is about to let his mother shave his head when he gets a text from his father telling him that his father will get him a Mohawk. So my eleven-year-old chooses to let his father give him his next haircut: a "high and tight", a style worn by men in the military. It is not a Mohawk, and the reason he gives for not getting a mohawk haircut is because his scalp will burn more with a Mohawk than with a high and tight. This, of course, makes no sense, and it makes no sense to him even as he's saying it. But he chose to have a high and tight, just like the military men. On those men it looks bad. On my eleven-year-old, it looks horrible. He says he likes it. After it grows out, he asks his mother to shave his head. She asks if he wants a Mohawk. He looks at her quizzically, and reminds him that he had wanted a mohawk for a long time. As she reminds him, he remembers that he had wanted one. He chooses to let his mother give him a Mohawk and for the week he's with his mother, he gets nothing but praise for his haircut from me, his mother and his brother. He says, repeatedly, that he likes his haircut. He goes to his father's house. He comes back to his mother's house, and his head is shaved. I say, "Your head is shaved."
He says, "Yeah."
I say, "Did you not like your Mohawk?"
"No, I liked it."
"That doesn't make a lot of sense," I tell him, lightly. "When you like something, you don't change it normally. But you can do whatever you want to do."

Later on, he says that his father had told him that people would make judgements about his father based on his haircut. My wife asked if that's why he had shaved off the Mohawk, and he immediately and emphatically said no.

So if you watch what my eleven-year-old does, he changes things that he says that he likes and gives no reason for the changes. He does not change while he is with his mother. He changes after being with his father. He changes things that he has stated he likes. He denies that there are issues with his father.

It is possible that these actions go on over at his father's, as well. It is possible that he is staying the same over there and changing things he likes when he's with us.

I wonder what kind of cat food Meow Mix would make if my eleven-year-old were their test cat? And what would the slogan be? "Flavors so good, your cat will choose something else!"

Beauty and the Douche

The story of Beauty and the Beast, as told by Disney, is this:

There's an unkind douche of a prince who is selfish. A witch disguises herself to look ugly and asks the douche-prince for shelter, and, of course, he refuses because he's selfish. Then the witch reveals herself to be beautiful, the douche repents-- because it's not cool to be a douche to pretty girls, but ugly girls and go suck rocks all day long and nobody would give a shit-- but the witch puts a curse on him because he's, now, a Proven Douche. And if he can make somebody love him, then her curse will be broken.

...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, cut to 90 minutes later, and happy ending where we're all happy that the douche got the girl in the end and the curse is broken and is just a fading memory now. Kleenex and credits.



Why go through all that trouble? Especially for somebody we already know is a douche?

I want the story to be like this:

There's a Douche Prince. Some Ugly Witch puts a curse on him-- without disguising her natural looks, which are unique to her and only ugly to those who adhere to the standards of beauty prescribed by the Demonic Beauty Magazines that cause diseases in young girls and unrealistic expectations in men and would-be-rapists-- where his skin starts peeling off his body and everyday he suffocates to the point that he thinks he's going to die, but at the very last minute he lives, only to have the process repeat itself once he's regained the strength to fully realize this torture. He cannot kill himself and nobody else kills him either. He lives a long, painful life in agony and nobody told stories about him again because they all had better things to do, like pull out their bellybutton lint and smell their fingers. And the Ugly Witch made peace with her looks, knowing that no one else looks the way she does nor do they have the powers she has and she was happy with herself and life. The End.

Good story. I'm waiting for Disney to option that masterpiece. I'll be fucking rich as shit then.

Standing Alone In My Grey World

This thought just raced through my head:

My boss is such an enormous douche, if he was on fire I wouldn't piss on him to put him out. Wow, I wonder how his two girls would feel if they heard somebody talking about their father like that?

And then I started to feel badly for them. I imagined a scenario where we were all in a public place and I didn't know they were his daughters, and I used his name which grabbed their attention, and then they heard me say that I wouldn't urinate on their father if he was on fire because I dislike him so intensely.

And I felt like a bad person for having such feelings. Doesn't change the douchness of my boss. He is still an enormous douche. But I'd like to be somebody who believes in the goodness of people. I'd like to be the kind of somebody who believes that everyone should be pissed on if they're on fire.

I'm struggling with humanizing people I would rather classify as completely bad. It would be easier for me if I could just see people as being all bad. "There is absolutely no redeeming quality about this person!" But I'm starting to see more big-picture stuff recently, and it's pissing me off. My wife's ex-husband recently had a thought about doing something nice for his nephew. He chose to express himself in a way which was completely and totally assholish, but still, the fact that he had a thought which was considerate at it's core makes it impossible for me to honestly say he is a completely evil beast. It's easier when he can just be a completely evil beast.

I'm not sure why that is. Maybe something about my actual color-blindness that makes the world easier for me to palate if it's black and white. Nah, that's not quite right. Maybe it's that I don't want to feel anything for my bad guys. Nah, that's not quite right either, cuz Magneto wanted to help mutant-kind just as much as Professor X, which made him not completely evil and I really love that character. Maybe it's that I don't feel like anybody else is on my side in thinking that my wife's ex-husband is breaking the law by not talking to my wife about how they parent their joint-custody children, and it feels like a major... crime. And it's noticed but going unpunished. And that's a complete disappointment on so many levels with so many people. And if I say he's not completely evil, then even I have given up the hopes that this legal arrangement is anything more than a thinly-veiled lie. And the attorneys won't do anything. And the ex-husband won't do anything. And the judge won't do anything. And the boys get hurt. And my wife gets hurt. And the bad guy wins. It's like the cops have been called, they have been shown the law-breaking actions and they say, "yeah, he's breaking the law. There's nothing we can do about that. You really should have done something different in the past." Yeah, that feels more right.

I'm disappointed in our legal system. It doesn't work to provide protection from those who need protecting. It doesn't work to provide justice where there is no justice. It is a joke. It is a lie.

I'm disappointed in the people who work inside the legal system. The lawyers who perpetuate this lie. Who promote this lie of Justice.

I'm disappointed in the parent who doesn't think about his children. Who lies to them. Who does not respect them or encourage them to grow. Who is harmful to them and his ex-wife.

I'm disappointed in the mother who supports this father and these actions.

I'm disappointed in all of you.
You make me wish The Punisher were a real person and really brought justice where it was needed.
He'd fuck you all up real good.

Happy Marriage... Really??

If you Google the words "happy marriage" and then look at the images, the first one you see will be this:

I gotta say, in all honesty, this is the fucking gayest motherfucking thing ever. Like you can cook up a good marriage like your cooking up a stew! Some stupid bitch someplace was sitting around with too much time on her hands and came up with this ridiculous poster and thought, "you know, I'll make this piece of shit and people will buy it and then I'll make some money!" Fucking bitch and her stupid posters!

Here's what you need for a good marriage:

First, figure out what your lifetime needs are.

Second, find somebody who helps you fulfill those needs.

Done-- there's your fucking happy marriage! I'm gonna make a fucking poster and fucking t-shirt and fucking bumper fucking sticker and fucking make some fucking money and then I'm gonna eat it and fucking shit and go to sleep and forget about the stupidest fucking poster alive!

...sheesh...

...guess that hit a nerve...

...i'm fine now...

...carry on...

Lovely Last Night

I had so much fun on my date last night!

Delicious burgers with jalapenos and bacon and cheese. Spicy fries with onions and a spicy mayo-sauce. Another order of Parmesan fries. And frosty beers brewed from within my home state (supporting local business and promoting actual people rather than corporations-- that's all, I'm off my soap box for now). The place even had skeeball games where you could win free beers or fries or even a $20 gift card if you get a high enough score. TVs were silently playing bad movies with funny visuals. And the service was laid-back and nicely attentive while still being hands-off.

And the best part: my wife, sitting next to me, smiling with me, at me, looking radiant and gorgeous as ever. Laughing. Touching my leg and arm. Kissing me. Asking questions about the movies playing, and getting slightly buzzed from the one-and-a-sip beers she had (it was high-point beer, which is rare for her to consume).

She is just my best friend. My best love. My best wife. My best time.
Just my best.


...i can still smell the delicious cheeseburger grease on my fingers today... :)