Welcome To First Grade!

Hello Children!

Welcome to your first day of first grade here at Money Elementary!

You might have wondered why we named our school after our currency rather than after a former president, as is usually the case in the public school environment, and the reason is that former presidents can't give us a new football stadium, new uniforms for the football team, DNA paternity tests for the football players and cheerleaders, footballs, scoreboards for the football team, a beer licence so we can sell beer at the football games, a lawyer to help defend why we're selling beer at elementary school football games, 35% of a football coach, and textbooks from when we still had slaves, many of whom became famous football players. No, children, former presidents can't give us any of those things, but money can, so we've named our school after that which we hope to elicit.

Now, as your parents might have told you, this school prepares you for the real world. We do our best to provide you with real world experiences so that, when you leave the protective umbrella of this school establishment, you will be better prepared to be a productive member of our society so that you can give repay the gift of the education we provide for you with a generous gift of cash or a starting lineman who will later give a generous gift of cash. To give you a real world experience, we're going to treat each and every one of you as if you were currently employed in this country and an active member in the workforce. With that in mind, we're not really going to train you for anything in particular. We're not going to give you any skills or provide you with any assistance in discovering what it is you will be doing here. When you make a mistake, we will tell you about it and write you up. Two write-ups will result in mandatory firing. Three write-ups and we reposes your parents' home and all your toys. This is what we call "incentive": you won't want to screw up, because if you do, you will be reminded over and over again about how worthless you really are.

A lot of people have criticized our program, saying that we should provide a safe place to make mistakes. Without mistakes, growth cannot be achieved. People need a safe environment in which they can grow and learn from their mistakes, as well as the mistakes of others. Children, the people who say these things are stupid. They work for places like libraries and fire departments, as well as teaching classes at your favorite football stadium, which some people call "a university". They, obviously, were not adequately prepared for the real world, which is why we won't be listening to them.

I am going to act as your boss from this moment forward, which means that I will be in my office, huffing White Out and masturbating with a stapler to an autographed picture of Donald Trump. If you actually observe any of these things, you will be inserted into a camel and placed in Iran.