I Didn't Make A Mistake, Butt It's Time To Change

I've been toying with the idea that I made a mistake when I stopped performing.

I've recently decided that I want to perform again. In any capacity, really. And sometimes I find myself going to websites where I can see what old acquaintances are doing, what shows old friends are in, how people I know are still doing what it is I would like to be doing. I saw a website today where one of my old students is currently in a job that I once thought had been taken from me unjustly. It was a shocker, especially since I didn't see great talent in my former student, and there was his face on the website where I imagined my own face would go one day.

But I didn't feel anger or remorse or sadness. Just shocked to see his face there.

And then, I kinda felt happy for him. Way to go. Way to hunt it down and get it.

Because he didn't decide to stop performing. I did.
I made the choice to stop.
And I chose that because it wasn't fun anymore.
I didn't like what was happening around me.
I didn't like many of the people I had to work with.
I was not happy with the situation.
And, just like I had done so many mornings, I woke up and asked myself if there was anything other than performing that would make me happy.
And the answer, for the first time, was yes.
So I stopped performing.

And as I've looked back on that choice, I've thought a lot about how it was a mistake.
I miss it.
I want to do it again.
I'm built for it.
I'm good at it.
But something hasn't felt right about that whole "mistake" thing.
I got to get married to the woman I was supposed to marry all my life.
And, although I can't say for certain that I wouldn't have done that had I not stopped performing, the choices I made certainly helped speed along my marriage.
And that is not a mistake.
That is a choice I would make over and over again without hesitation.

So how could it be a mistake to stop performing when something profoundly joyous and life-changing happened as a result?

Here's my answer.
At least, this is my answer for today.

It wasn't a mistake.

I made the right choice then. I got out on my own terms before I murdered some assholes. Before I killed myself. Before I got some disease. Before... whatever. Fill in the blank. I got out. I moved. I found something else. I tried it. I didn't like it. I tried something else. I didn't like that, either. And my thoughts keep taking me back to the stage. To the film. To the audience. To that work. THAT'S where I want to be. And having gotten out of it, I might be able to navigate it a little more to my liking this time around.

Plus, I've got a really great friend that I didn't have before. And she promised to stick with me and help me out. That, too, helps.

So, where am I right now?
I'm at my day job.
I'm not working, again.
Because I'm thinking about what I'd rather be doing, again.
Writing my screenplay.
Shooting my screenplay.
Editing my screenplay.
Composing music for my movie.
Copyrighting my movie.
Entering my movie in film festivals.
Watching other people get moved and be entertained by my movie.
Do it all over again.

I didn't make a mistake.
I made the right choice.
And now, it's time to make some more right choices.