Gnome Patrol

PART I

Doorbell.
Man answers.
On his front porch are two children, dressed as exterminators.

CARTER: Gnome patrol.
MAN: I'm sorry.
CARTER: Gnome patrol.
MAN: Gnome patrol?
CARTER: Gnome!
PIERCE: Patrol.
MAN: Gnome patrol.
CARTER: That's right.
PIERCE: Patrol.
MAN: I'm not certain what you're saying.
CARTER: Have you had your home checked for gnomes?
PIERCE: Gnome holes.
CARTER: Gnome holes can be deadly if left unchecked.
MAN: Gnome holes?
CARTER: Gnome!
PIERCE: Holes.
MAN: Yeah. I think I'm all good.

He closes the door, and almost immediately the doorbell rings again. He opens the door and the children are there, just as before.

MAN: Hello?
CARTER: Gnome patrol.
MAN: Right, I'm pretty sure I just told you I was all good.
CARTER: Did you?
MAN: Pretty sure.
PIERCE: Have you checked your gnome holes?
MAN: Not, no, not today, no.
CARTER: Gnome!
PIERCE: Holes.
MAN: Okay, then.

He closes the door. Almost immediately, the doorbell rings again. The MAN sighs slightly, then opens the door. The children are there, as before, wearing fake mustaches. The MAN stands in his door, staring at the children. They stand on his front porch, staring at him. The MAN squints at them. They stare at him, unassumingly.

PIERCE: Patrol.
CARTER: Gnome!
MAN: (raising his voice) Okay! What is it you want? What are you selling? Huh? What, who, where... Good bye.

The MAN closes his door, turns and gasps, as the camera swings to show us the interior of his home, where the two children are standing, as they were outside.

CARTER: Gnome patrol.
PIERCE: Gnome holes.
CARTER: Gnome!

Blackout.


PART II

MAN, CARTER and PIERCE are all relaxing in a hammock, sipping drinks out of glass mugs. They do not look at each other.

MAN: Did you guys hear that Reched Xess is coming in concert?
CARTER: Gnome!
PIERCE: Gnome patrol.
MAN: Yeah. I agree.

Blackout.