We Should All Be Pro-Life!

There's a lot of debate about Pro-Choice and Pro-Life these days. The big one recently is to clearly and LEGALLY define when life starts, so that all fetuses (feti?) can be given the same rights as all living persons and abortion can once and for all be illegal.

Let's just clear things up right now.

PRO-LIFE IS ABSOLUTELY GREAT!

And I think that we should clearly define when life starts so that we can fight to protect each and every life God has placed on this Earth.

I believe that the Pro-Life movement, however, is shooting itself in the foot. Nobody is going to believe that you really believe life is worth protecting if you don't, actually, protect life. So, for instance, your pro-life arguments are completely full of shit if you protect one life and not another. If you actively fight to kill something, you're not really pro-life, are you. No, you're not. So here's what we need to do to make people understand that Pro-Life is the ONLY way to go!

First, we need to outlaw abortion. Abortion is a form of killing, and killing ends life, so abortion fits into the pro-life statement that All Life Is Worth Protecting. So abortion goes. And to make sure people know we're serious about protecting life that is currently in existence and not just the life that is living in a mommy's tummy, once those babies are born, all Pro-Lifers will adopt unwanted babies, so that we KNOW those babies lives are protected by somebody who cares for life. All babies who would've been aborted because their mother was raped, those babies get immediately adopted by a Pro-Lifer. All babies who would've been aborted because their mother is too poor to provide a decent or healthy life for that child, those babies are adopted by Pro-Lifers. And then they care for the mother who was too poor to care for her child by paying for her college degree, making her a more viable candidate for A Good Life, as college grads live longer lives than non-college grads, and we're all about protecting life. By outlawing abortion, we also make in unnecessary to kill the doctors who are killing the babies. Two lives saved with one simple act!

Next, we outlaw bug spray. It is a poison which kills life, and it needs to go. We're All About Protecting Life, People!

Next, we need to outlaw the death penalty. Yes, some might argue that these violent criminals have given up their right to life by committing violent crimes, but that doesn't change our view that ALL LIFE IS WORTH PROTECTING! So we end the death penalty and put all criminals in prison for life.

Next, we need to outlaw guns. Guns are designed to kill either humans or animals, and they need to go. Look, if we don't stand behind our beliefs, people will think we're full of shit and not worth listening to, so we gotta do away with guns. No More Killing!

And the Armed Forces: gone. No more army, navy, air force or marines. No coast guard. No more bomb makers or tank manufacturers. They are all in the business of killing people, and life must be protected.

We gotta do away with radiation and chemo therapies for cancer victims, as cancer is a living thing, and... you guessed it... life must be protected.

Killing animals must be outlawed. So no more meat for food. And killing plants must be outlawed. So no more plants. All food must be synthetic, made completely from man-made ingredients. We will all live on protein bars and Twinkies.

The people who are currently alive, they must be protected, so all of them must be brought up to an economic level which would afford them a life worth living. All homeless and indigent people across the globe will have a Pro-Lifer pay for his or her house and meals until he or she is dead. We Pro-Lifers will not be called hypocrites and liars! We mean what we say! There is plenty of money and resources on this planet for every living person to have a home and food which sustains them. Hey, we protected them at birth, we need to continue protecting them once they have left mommy's tummy.

Finally, death must be outlawed. We are so serious about protecting life that we will demand it continues even after it naturally leaves. People who die will be strung up to medical machinery and kept alive through the financial participation of us Pro-Lifers. Facilities will be built to house these living corpses-- creating jobs, I might add-- and caretakers will be hired-- more jobs-- and space will be made for these living dead on the moon-- Welcome Back, Space Shuttle Program and more jobs!-- as we will quickly run out of space on the surface of the planet. All people will enjoy immortality, as we make sure that every human, young and old, living and dead, fulfills their God-given Right To Life!

Amen.